Young Writers Society

She leads me into a small empty room at the end of another hall. Just like the rest of this place, it’s made of stone and the occasional wood support. Along the edges are cheap foldable chairs.

“So what am I supposed to do now then?” I say, not as forcefully as I would have liked.

“You sit and you wait,” she says slowly. “When they finish, they will find you.”

Before I can even come up with something to say, she turns on her heels and briskly walks away.

So is this it? I stay cooped up in here while my parents run science experiments on my friend? With stomping strides, I plant my bottom firmly in a chair, causing it to completely collapse under me.

This is great, just great. I have splinters running all the way down my leg, and I’m stuck here for who knows how long. What was that lady saying? Hospital; this is a hospital? Really? I’ve been in and out of those things all my life. They are sterile, white, and have clean air. This most certainly does not.

Voices shout somewhere far down a passage. A light bulb swings from its wire. I can’t stay here, not in this place. I want to breathe open air. I want to get away from all these screams.

I walk towards the door and poke my head through just a tiny bit. Which way did I come from again? Three passageways lead out from this room; all of them are badly lit and look like some murderer will jump out at any moment. I came from the left I think, right?

I take one step, and then another. As silently as I can, I sneak out of my little room. What if they catch me? What if I--footsteps are coming this way.

Hard stone ground echoes underneath my sandals as I sprint down one turn after another. My long blond hair slaps from side to side. They can’t catch me, they just can’t. I wonder what these people do to spies. Is that what they will think I am? Or will they take me to my parents before shooting me in the gut? What if my parents agree and say I’ve seen too much? Get a hold of yourself Em. These are your parents they wouldn’t betray you like that, would they?

My throat feels like it is tearing in half with every breath I take. I have to stop, just to find water. That can’t be too hard, right? The lady said this was a hospital. They have to keep a refrigerator somewhere.

I slow my step to a halting walk. I just need to rest or something. Maybe they have a break room somewhere?

The occasional light bulbs become steadily sparser as I walk farther and farther down the passage. Somewhere far off I hear the shouts of people. I can’t make out what they are saying, but it doesn’t sound good.

Wait, never mind them, where am I? A very solid stone wall managed to find itself directly in front of me, and I have no idea how it got there. I swear, I didn’t see it when I was walking. I look up to see if the metal grate is still there; it isn’t. This is the wrong end. I went the wrong way, and I have no idea how to get back.

A drum beat pounds in my head, sending fire through my body. I must have just taken a wrong turn, that’s all. I try to swallow, but nothing goes down. I try to tell my feet to move, but they just don’t hear me. I don’t hear me. I grab hold of the side of my skirt for comfort; it doesn’t give any. I’m stuck, alone, in a deserted cobweb infested tunnel with little hope of being found. It looks like no one has been down here in months, why would they come now?

A scream erupts somewhere in the distance. This one is louder and much higher pitch than the ones before. She sounds terrified. No, she is just another voice. I have my own problems thank you very much.

“Let me go!” the voice screams again.

I walk a little faster towards the voice. My stomach turns in little flip flops, responding to the pain filled call. Why am I doing this? Am I really being drawn to her? It is just some random person. I can’t save her.

“EMMA!” she shouts even louder.

The life literally left my face. Beth.

This was realllyy good. I had a good idea of what was going on even though I hadnt read the previous three chapters (which I will) which is a great feat. for an authour. I loved the way you so vividly described things, and the way you made the subconscious stream of thoughts running through the narrator's head so effortless and authentic. For instance the paragraph: "Voices shout somewhere far down a passage. A light bulb swings from its wire. I can’t stay here, not in this place. I want to breathe open air. I want to get away from all these screams." really struck me, maybe because it was so genuine, and because it was what any person of the same mindset would be thinking in that situation. The only thing that I would change throughout this whole chapter would be this:The sentence: "This one is louder and much higher pitch than the ones before." I feel would sound better if you had said: " "This one is louder and much higher pitched than the ones before." or "This one is louder and much in higher pitch than the ones before." Im pretty sure that all three ways are grammatically correct but I feel that the last two seem to make the sentence flow together better. Other than that, this was one of the best literary works I have yet to read on this website. Very great job! Cant wait to read more

and briskly walks away.

I would get rid of the adjective here!

Along the edges are cheap foldable chairs.

Cheap, foldable chairs remind me of those dinky plastic ones used for weddings and the like.

I say, not as forcefully as I would have liked.

I think a verb here would be better... how is she physically reacting to this statement?

With stomping strides, I plant my bottom firmly in a chair, causing it to completely collapse under me.

Put this more simply. It seems much too grandiose!

I have splinters running all the way down my leg, and I'm stuck here for who knows how long.

...again, my vision is cheap plastic seats! Wood seems a bit too expensive, and they must have plastic because of all their medical equipment.

They are sterile, white, and have clean air. This most certainly does not.

This... isn't grammatically correct at all. The way you have the first sentence makes it grammatically equivalent to this:

They are sterile. They are white. They are have clean air.

See what I mean? That's what is screwing up your second sentence because "are" doesn't go with "does." Technically, you should say, "This most certainly is not" but then the clean air bit doesn't fit.

Maybe something like, "They are sterile and white. They have clean air circulating from filters over head. This place is dirty. The air is stagnant and smells like mold."

Eh. I don't know. But you need to redo those two sentences!

Voices shout somewhere far down a passage. A light bulb swings from its wire. I can't stay here, not in this place. I want to breathe open air. I want to get away from all these screams.

The thing was, you need to describe the claustrophobia of this place better. Right now, you're just not doing it for me. Why isn't she saying to herself, "Well, my parents would never want to harm anyone because they're doctors." Why isn't she thinking about how evil they are being? Why isn't she thinking about anything or than what she is sensing? If she is only sensing her surroundings, then why does she feel like she need to leave? I want some feelings here!

I take one step, and then another. As silently as I can, I sneak out of my little room. What if they catch me? What if I--footsteps are coming this way.

Another thing... she clearly acts afraid of what they can do to her, but it also sounds like she hasn't been here yet. Why are her fears running so wild? It doesn't seem like she has a logical reason to be afraid as she is! If she was abused in a similar way, then maybe, but we have been given no clue if this abuse is true.

Hard stone ground echoes underneath my sandals as I sprint down one turn after another. My long blond hair slaps from side to side.

I think if you put this more simply, it would be more powerful.

Get a hold of yourself Em. These are your parents they wouldn't betray you like that, would they?

Yes... why is she even considering that they would betray her?!

The life literally left my face. Beth.

Another thing... why would she think that people were doing something wrong to Beth? It seems equally plausible that they might be something that is good for Beth. Little kids scream like the devil when they are in the dentist's chair, but it is good for them to be there because otherwise it will be a lot worse. Why isn't this logic appearing in Emma's brain?

Anyway... on to the next part! MWHA.