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Hunted ch. 10



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Sun Jul 24, 2011 1:47 am
tgirly says...



Mitch has done two hours worth of driving in half an hour. She slows down to the speed limit. Everyone relaxes a bit.
"Mitch," Silas says, "pull over here."
"Why?" Mitch says. It sounds like she's getting ready for a fight.
"Mitch, we can't keep them, you know that, right?" Silas says. It sounds as if he's talking about a puppy, but of course he's talking about Charlie and I.
"No, I don't. And I don't see why not. We manage fine with Aya and Alina," Mitch says.
Silas sighs, "Barely. We can't handle any more people. Besides, with Aya and Alina, they were so young they couldn't possibly have survived on their own. Bill's pretty old and can take care of Charlie just fine."
"So why can't he take care of Charlie with us?" Mitch says, "We could vote?"
"I'm not done," Silas snaps, "You saw how they almost caught Charlie back there. And Bill wouldn't let us leave him-"
"I wouldn't have left him anyways," Mitch says.
"They're still a risk. How do you know they even want to be with us?" Silas says. I glance at Charlie. He nods.
"We do," I say. Silas glares at me like he forgot I was there.
"Fine," Silas says, "They can stay. For now."
Hours go by of silent driving.
"So... what was his name?" Charlie asks.
"Who?" Mitch asks.
"Your boyfriend," he says.
"Oh, Brett," Mitch says.
"Yeah?" Charlie prods.
"Well... he was pretty tall, strong build, light blonde hair, spikes. He was always talking about dying the ends some outlandish color, but it would make him stand out too much, so we didn't let him."
"He was really particular about that hair," Silas says, "He spent hours working on it every morning."
"He did not spend hours," Mitch says, "One or two, maybe, but not hours." Silas rolled his eyes.
"Silas and him didn't mesh that well," Mitch says, "but he wasn't that bad."
"He always got mad over the weirdest things," Silas says, "And he always had an attitude. He was never any help, but he was real bossy."
"He wasn't the type to hold your hand when you got a booboo," Mitch says, "but that doesn't mean he needed an attitude check, and he did help. He was more of the leader type. That doesn't mean he was bossy, Silas. You're kind of bossy too, sometimes."
"Am not, Mitch, you're bossier than me," Silas says.
"Yeah right," Mitch says, "He was tough, and calm during crisis situations. He had a great round kick, but not the best punches. I can beat him in arm wrestling."
"He always whined that you cheated," Silas says, "but really he's just a wimp."
"Thank you, Silas, for that unneeded add-on," Mitch says, "Let's see... girls, can you think of anything?" She glances in the rearview mirror at the twins.
"He can burp the ABC's," Aya says.
"He can touch his nose with his tongue," Alina chimes in. The only reason I could tell the difference between the twins without looking is Alina is quieter.
"There you have it, all you need to know about a guy," Mitch says, "He can touch his nose with his tongue and burp the ABC's. What else can you want? Can you think of anything else?"
There was silence while the twins thought then:
"He didn't really like us that much," Alina says.
"He did-" Mitch began.
"No, he really didn't like the twins," Silas says, "Sometimes, I didn't think he like any of us. Even you, Mitch. And you're his girlfriend."
"He cared about me," Mitch says, "He just had an odd way of showing it. He's not the romantic type. He liked all of us. It was just taking him longer to come around. Remember when Silas didn't-"
"That was years ago, Mitch," Silas says, "And they grew on me in a few months. You can't use that excuse anymore, Mitch. He just didn't like us. He liked you, I guess." Mitch opens her mouth to say something, then closes it again with a sigh. Silas sighs too.
"I guess it doesn't really matter," he says, "He's gone now. We'll have to leave him behind."
"Yeah, I guess we'll have to," Mitch says, "But can we drive around that spot once more? Just to make sure?"
"No," Silas says, "we can't risk it." Mitch sighs.
"Fine."
Last edited by tgirly on Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:00 am
Tommybear says...



I really liked the pace of the this chapter. I haven't read the rest so I can't comment on what the plot/storyline has been but I like the characters and i like the dialogue. Don't try and rush through the story, however. Keep up the writing :)
Formerly TmB317
  





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Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:54 pm
McMourning says...



Hello.
I love that opening sentence. We probably all know someone who drives like that. And it sets the tone for the rest of the scene.
Like Tommy, I haven't read the rest of your novel, but that's okay, because you describe the characters enough within this chapter. I could picture Brett and the twins. When you were describing Brett, though, you switch back and forth between present and past. When the girls say he can burp the ABCs, that's fine, because he still can. But I think this one should be i the past. He always whines that you cheated. If he's her ex-boyfriend and they don't arm wrestle anymore, than he whined, not whines. At least, it seemed like he was her ex. Then you wrote And you're his girlfriend. You're usually means you are. I would write it out just to clarify.

I didn't find anything glaringly wrong with it. I enjoyed reading it and it moved along nicely.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
  








Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson