Young Writers Society

It's been years since I've started writing a new novel. I'm really exicited about this one and I'll post the summary after I get some reviews to see what people think of it before they know what the actual novel is about. I know I haven't posted anything new in a while (I've been posting a lot of old stuff though) so you'll be happy to know this is the height of my writing right now. But with that you'll probably laugh and I'll have no excuse like I usually do
This is the first time I've ever attempted action and adventure (with both novels and short stories) so bear with me.

Chapter One

The woman gave her baby a smile as he smiled back. He was only six months, with adorable little dimples and a million dollar smile. He had a little tuff of blond hair poking up on the top of his head and his baby teeth with just coming in. He had her green eyes but his father’s nose and chin. She knew someday he would grow up to be someone great, but for now she was just her little baby.
She picked him up and took him out of the crib. He smiled in anticipation as he tried to grab a piece of her hair. She laughed as her husband, William, came in. “It’s nearly nine o’clock at night,” William told her. “Isn’t he asleep yet?”
“He doesn’t seem very tired to me,” she explained. The baby stared at his father and then smiled. William smiled back, clearly really tired from a hard day’s work. “Bad day at the company?” his wife asked him.
“You have no idea. It’s like every time I managed to find a break someone wants me to do something else. I’m really not cut out of an office job. I need something that keeps me moving.”
“Well just remember about that time your boss hinted about your promotion. You’ll be a manager someday, I’m sure of it.”
“I sure hope so; otherwise all this work would have been for nothing.”
Jolene stared at her husband. She always loved his brown hair. Her son had got the blond like hers, and her daughter had the brown hair and brown eyes like her father. He was a very tall and broad man, certainly someone that could scare someone away if he wanted to. She had a very slim figure with long, wavy blond hair. There was a lot of negative things she could say about herself, but William would always shoot anything she could come up with down and tell her she was perfect. She always just told herself he was her husband so he had to say that.
They both turned around and saw their daughter, Melissa, walk in. She had just recently turned seven, and was the furthest from a girly girl you could get. She walked in with a book tucked under her arm. She held it out to her father. “Daddy, will you read this to me?” she asked with her cute, impossible to say no to tone.
William looked at her hoping she was kidding, but of course she wasn’t. Luckily Jolene stepped in to save the day. “How about I read it to you honey after I get Anthony to sleep? Your father’s really tired because he’s been working all day.”
“But he’s always tired,” Melissa complained. Jolene replied with a smile and Melissa didn’t seem to be too happy about this. Before she left the room she gave Anthony a kiss on the head. She was crazy about her little brother. Then she walked out with her pouty face on.
William didn’t plan to stay up another minute longer so he headed to bed, giving Jolene and Anthony a kiss before he left also.
Once it was just her and the baby she sat down on the rocking chair and rocked him to sleep. Once it was quiet and it was just the gentle sway of the rocking he could feel he was asleep in no time at all. Jolene set him in his crib and tucked him in. She quietly turned off the light and tiptoed out, watching his small chest go up and down.
A couple minutes later she was in Melissa room reading her that story. “Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess,” Jolene began from her story. Melissa might have been a huge tomboy, but for some reason she loved princess story. It was the only thing girl about her. “She lived in a beautiful castle overlooking the sea. Everyone knew her kindness and really liked her, except for one person, the evil queen.
“The evil queen hated her because of her parents. They had banished her from the kingdom because of her evil doings. The evil queen wanted revenge. That night she snuck into the castle and took the little princess right from her bed, an evil smile across her face the entire time. The baby cried and cried, but the evil queen wouldn’t let her go.
“She took the princess and raised her as her own for many years, convincing her she was her mother and this was where she was supposed to be. The girl learned to accept it since that was all she had ever known and started to call this woman her mother. But as she got older people who went outside of the kingdom started to get suspeicious of her little cottage. One day she realized she must get rid of the child, but she was too late by then. She was caught just a little while later, put in jail, and the princess returned to her family. She finally had the life she had always wanted. The end.”
Of course Melissa was still wide awake, but Jolene wasn’t about to stay up until she went to sleep. “Goodnight, honey,” she said as she gave her a kiss on the forehead.
“But, mommy,” Melissa protested, “Why would anyone do that to a little kid?” she asked. “That’s so mean.”
“It’s just a story, honey,” Jolene explained.
“So that couldn’t happen in real life?”
“Well I suppose it could, but the person would be caught soon and I’m pretty sure the child wouldn’t live with someone they thought was their parents but really weren’t. That’s not very likely to happen, because kidnappers have other intentions than just keeping the child for years and years.”
“Like what?” Melissa asked, curiosity filling her eyes.
“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” her mother said with a smile as she turned on her nightlight, shut off her regular light, and walked out. Melissa sighed and then snuggled up under her covers, more tired than she thought.
Jolene walked into her bedroom, her husband already asleep and snoring loudly. She shook her head. She hated the nights when he snored. But either way she got dressed in her Pajamas and snuggled up next to him. In no time at all she was out.

She woke up to the sound of crying. William followed right behind her and they both listened. Anthony was screaming like crazy. They didn’t think much of it until they heard the cry growing fainter. William was the first to react as he jumped out of bed and ran to Anthony’s room. Jolene followed close behind him.
When they got to Anthony’s room they didn’t see him. The room was completely empty and the only sign of movement was the now open window by the baby’s crib. William ran toward the window and Jolene watched in astonishment as he jumped out of it. She went over and saw him sitting on the grass, up and ready for action sooner than she thought. But it was no use. The night was completely still. There was no sign of a car, a person, or even something that would make you think something had happened that night. Jolene ran to call the police as William got into his car, determined not to give up yet.
By this time Melissa was up, wondering what all the commotion was about. “What’s going on, mommy?” she asked Jolene as she slowly made her way downstairs to the kitchen
Jolene put a finger on her mouth, indicating to be quiet and then started to talk to the police on the phone. “Yes, I would like to report a kidnapping.”
“My young son, he’s only six months.”
“No, they disappeared. There’s no trace of them.”
“Alright.” Then she hung up, tears filling her eyes.
“What’s wrong, mommy?” Melissa asked with concern.
Jolene started to bawl, grabbing Melissa and holding her. “Your brother was kidnapped,” she managed to say through tears.

The guard stared off into the night. This job could scare anyone, but it didn’t scare him. He just stared as if there was something out there that he could see but no one else could. A short while later a figure started to appear out of the darkness. He readied his gun, prepared for anything or anyone. Luckily it was just one of the other men. He held a baby in his arms.
“Tell Phil I got another one,” he told the guard.
The guard looked at him with no expression. “You know he doesn’t like it when you bring children in here without his permission.”
“But he also said if you find a good chance seize it. He said the younger the better, because than they’re easier to manipulate.”
“He also said find kids with no family. A kid no one will miss or look for.”
“Don’t worry, they didn’t see me. There’s no way they’ll ever find this kid. What are you worried about? Now let me in.”
The guard gave him a cold look and then pushed a button. The metal gates of what looked like a prison slid open and the person with the baby stepped in. By this time the baby had stopped crying and was just looking around, his curiosity going crazy. The man stepped into a dark camp ground, green army tents pitched everywhere. But he headed toward a log cabin at the very end of the camp. He was kind of nervous. Talking to the head was never easy, and he just hoped he would accept this baby.

For your first time writing an adventure novel.......Amazing......


I love it!!


You descibed the looks! I like the ending

Talking to the head was never easy, and he just hoped he would accept this baby.

Left me curious to know more!
Your quotes were perfect, and description..... amazing!

Hope to see more of this novel soon!

Good luck,

-Arisu

First thing that struck me as I read this: most of the sentences have the exact same structure. And that makes the reader fall asleep. For example:

The woman gave her baby a smile as he smiled back. He was only six months, with adorable little dimples and a million dollar smile. He had a little tuff of blond hair poking up on the top of his head and his baby teeth with just coming in. He had her green eyes but his father’s nose and chin. She knew someday he would grow up to be someone great, but for now she was just her little baby.

Every single sentence either begins with he, she or the. All of them are very, very dull words. Variating sentences is key in writing; it subliminally keeps the reader interested, rather than just saying 'John did such a thing, then did this. He had this and this. He felt like this. He had dinner and fell asleep."

Stroking the wispy hair on top of the small, pink gurgling ball of skin and blankets, Jolene couldn't think of anywhere else in the world she would rather be. Even after the six months of crying, tears, sleepless nights and endless nappy changing, the little smile on her baby's face made it up for everything.
As she looked into his green eyes, her equally emerald ones crinkled into a smile. Seeing what his mother was doing, the baby opened his mouth as well, babbling away happily. Small stripes of white on the pink gums hinted at teeth.

It's a very rough rewrite, I know, but look. I didn't tell you that the baby was six months old, but the reader can tell that if the mother has been looking after him for six months, it must be that age. I didn't tell you that Jolene loved her baby. The word love isn't even mentioned, but you can tell that she adores her son. Showing gives the reader a reason to read on, makes them work things out and gives them a smoother way to read on.
Now, of course, you can't show all the time, and telling sometimes is the best way to do it (Best example: "I am your father." - Darth Vader). But showing, most of the time, is a good way to portray scenes and feelings of characters.
This tutorial goes into a lot more depth and was very helpful to me: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/ I'm sure you can find other stuff out there. There are other places where you can apply the showing, don't just think it's the first paragraph. Your descriptions are good, but because of the telling, it gets boring.

Now that huge wall of text is over, onto other things.

“It’s nearly nine o’clock at night,” William told her. “Isn’t he asleep yet?”

I don't think anyone, ever would say 'nine o'clock at night', especially when William is exhausted. "It's nearly nine," or "It's nine" would do fine, and if you're really worried about the reader getting confused about am or pm, add in something like a character draws the curtains because it's dark outside.

They both turned around and saw their daughter, Melissa, walk in.

Unless they are psychic there is no way both parents would turn around at the exact same time just as their daughter walked in. It's a little harsh, but add in something like one of them heard her, turned around and caught the other's interest.

William looked at her hoping she was kidding, but of course she wasn’t. Luckily Jolene stepped in to save the day. “How about I read it to you honey after I get Anthony to sleep? Your father’s really tired because he’s been working all day.”
“But he’s always tired,” Melissa complained. Jolene replied with a smile and Melissa didn’t seem to be too happy about this. Before she left the room she gave Anthony a kiss on the head. She was crazy about her little brother. Then she walked out with her pouty face on.

Again, show, don't just tell. What is Melissa's pouty face? Some people don't know what a pout is. Why is she crazy about her brother? What way did William look at Melissa? What way did she look back? Etc etc etc. It bulks out the chapter more and gives more character depth.

She woke up to the sound of crying. William followed right behind her and they both listened. Anthony was screaming like crazy. They didn’t think much of it until they heard the cry growing fainter.

Okay, first off I had no idea Jolene got out of bed in the first place until William was creepily following behind her. I didn't know where they were in the house, whether that be just outside Anthony's room or on the other side of the landing. If Antony was screaming like crazy, I think any good parent that was already out of bed would go and at least change their nappy.

William was the first to react as he jumped out of bed and ran to Anthony’s room. Jolene followed close behind him.
When they got to Anthony’s room they didn’t see him. The room was completely empty and the only sign of movement was the now open window by the baby’s crib. William ran toward the window and Jolene watched in astonishment as he jumped out of it. She went over and saw him sitting on the grass, up and ready for action sooner than she thought. But it was no use. The night was completely still. There was no sign of a car, a person, or even something that would make you think something had happened that night. Jolene ran to call the police as William got into his car, determined not to give up yet.

Woah, woah, woah. What? A sentence ago William was following Jolene. I don't know about you but I don't have a bed big enough for you to follow someone in it. You need to fix that up first.
In that whole paragraph, I got nearly zero feelings. At the very least Jolene should have her heart racing, some thoughts going, maybe a shred of hope it was all a dream.

Jolene put a finger on her mouth, indicating to be quiet and then started to talk to the police on the phone. “Yes, I would like to report a kidnapping.”
“My young son, he’s only six months.”
“No, they disappeared. There’s no trace of them.”
“Alright.” Then she hung up, tears filling her eyes.
“What’s wrong, mommy?” Melissa asked with concern.
Jolene started to bawl, grabbing Melissa and holding her. “Your brother was kidnapped,” she managed to say through tears.

No way would a mother be that calm reporting that her baby son had gone missing. No way. She would be blubbering her eyes out, or at the very least stuttering from shock if she wasn't crying already. There's also no need to take a new line for every sentence Jolene says, an ellipsis (...) would do it just fine. I also would like to see way more feeling as she's hugging Melissa; this is a mother with her baby gone. She is distraught. What could be happening to her son? Who would take him? What could she do? She'd feel utterly helpless, destroyed. Or, you may want to make her very quiet, too quiet, as she's suffering from severe shock. It depends on what type of character she is; emotional or quiet.

He just stared as if there was something out there that he could see but no one else could.

Really loved this description.

In summary; I like the plot. I'd like to see what happens to Anthony, how his parents cope, what the army camp is all about. More detail, more character depth and some contradiction fix-ups should make it lots better. It's not at a publishing standard yet, but most manuscripts rarely are without serious editing. Keep up the good work.

Hello! Here to review per request!

You've already gotten two good reviews, so I hope that I'll help!

Nitpicks and grammar stuff in the spoiler:


Now, first the plot. It seems pretty inteersting right now, and there was a very good cliffhanger at the end, which, if I'm going to be honest, I did not fully understand. But, I probably will by the next chapter . Now, apart from that, it all seemed to make sense, the action escalated and there were a lot of questions which are yet to be answered which makes the reader want to read more! My only problem is that for an Adventure novel, it only started getting exciting towards the end of the chapter. I think back stories and other descriptions should be said a bit later on, and maybe it could start with her reading the story to Melissa, then some other stuff happens, then they find out that Anthony has been kidnapped. Just something to consider, because I found the first few paragraphs slightly boring.

The only character that seems realistic to me at the moment is Jolene. Now, this is probably because it's the first chapter, and there are still things to be said and stuff, but her husband seems a bit dead. I think he just seems like an annoying husband- at the moment. Bring some life to him, eyye? Melissa seems a bit pasted on at the moment- and her character is kind of cliche. It seems that she's there just to make the family slightly bigger, so in the next chapter, add more depth to her. I know she's only seven, but still! However, I think you have made each of our characters different, and they all have different voices- if you see what I mean. Sometimes, we don't understand why they are doing certain things, like why doesn't the dad/husband read to Melissa? Or why doesn't he want to? I think in the next chapter, Melissa needs a weakness that really takes over her. Even if it's as simple as the loss of her child.

You maintained the same POV throughout . I think it's too centered around Melissa, I mean, I know she's the MC but you may as well have made it first person. The beauty of thrid person is being able to focus on all characters and their thoughts and actions! As Balactzer said, all of your sentences have the same structure and it makes the piece kind of boring. Remember, long sentences for introspective movements and short sentences and words for action bits! I think the language you've chosen is pretty good for when you're describing things, so keep it up for the rest of the novel!




I think this has loads of potential, it just needs to be brushed up a bit! Hope I helped!
-Arc