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Young Writers Society


El Protetor (Part 5)



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Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:13 pm
MamaLama95 says...



[Again, thanks to anyone still reading. This will be longer than my usual pieces, so keep reading.]


The villagers were very welcoming towards the tourists, offering food, water, and various other necessities to them as they walked through the main square. Despite previously having studied the exact location, size and nature of their home, Vi was surprised at how much larger it seemed in person. Tribes and cults in the Amazon rainforest were small enough as it was, yet this one seemed greater; large enough to accommodate around fifty families at a stretch.
Opinions amongst the others in their party varied. “It’s smaller than most of the ones I’ve visited further to the North.” One man, small and with thin dark eyes, spoke. Some nodded in agreement, yet the German who had complained earlier raised his voice to disagree.
“This place is smaller because they have not fallen prey to the industry of the modern vorld,” His accent was smothering the point he was making. “There is no greater trade her. Just enough to make a living and keep the village protected.”
Jake was hanging at the back of the group, picking songs and ignoring all the offers of food and drink from the villagers. Vi decided he was irreparable and turned to enjoy the sights before her.
Although it was an unprecedented experience for her, she couldn’t help but feel a stab of longing – here they were, several hundred miles from their new home, and their was no-one there but themselves. Their parents were in a completely different country, and although both she and her brother were old enough to take care of themselves, this was not what she had been promised.
“Jake, come on, we have to go.” She called out, breaking her train of thought before it dampened her spirits. He obliged easily enough.
The group turned into the largest building in the village. Although it was built from the same materials as the others – mainly wood, a curious cement mixed from mud and natural herbs within the forest, and human grit – it was fashioned in a perpetually modern-day way. There were grand pillars holding up a triangle of carved animal heads and deities, faces of terror and ecstasy simultaneously upon them. A rough circle of stone had been placed in the centre, wielding nothing but hammer marks upon it. The walls had been engraved with long lines from ceiling to floor, some straight, others crooked; nevertheless, the effect looked fantastically exotic. Had they not been in the middle of the jungle, Vi would have assumed this to be an artistic interpretation of the Pantheon.
The group proceeded inside, into a much cooler hall. There was nothing remotely as interesting about the interior of this building, except that at the very far end there was a throne. A heavy, worn seat, of dark and densely carved wood which easily dominated the entire room, especially due to the man sitting upon its impressive artwork. He was a young man, no more than thirty years of age, with weather-beaten copper for a face, and glistening gold for eyes. There was a sharp philosophy in his gaze, perceiving the fullness of life around him, despite not grasping the meaning of everything he saw. This cast a stereotypically odd contrast, as his body was composed of the most perfectly-sculpted and threatening muscles that Vi had ever set eyes upon. Beside her, she even felt Jake stiffen with trepidation.
“Now that’s what P-90X will do to you.” One of the thinner scientists with a camcorder whispered. There was a murmur of agreement between some of the party, before their guide stopped them and approached the man on the throne. A few words were exchanged, before the man flashed his golden eyes in the group’s direction and gestured for them to come forward. When he spoke to them, his voice was rich with colour, taste and history – it filled Vi with a feeling that she could not describe. The guide translated his words.
“I am the Elder’s son. He wished to welcome you himself, yet he is unwell and I have been asked to convey the message. You may enjoy whatever comforts you will in our village, and stay for as long as necessary; yet, we ask you maintain a calm and careful approach towards our people. They are not accustomed to visitors, and we wish not to alarm them with loud or troublesome strangers. If there is an issue, speak with your guide and he will notify my father or me. And one warning,” The man had paused and leant forward slightly at this next part, “I do not wish to see any of you within the village area after nightfall. You may study the forest around us, the skies above and the earth below; however, when the moon is shining, you must leave.”
He ended his speech abruptly, then proceeded to settle back into his seat and take a deep breath, as if he had never before spoken at such lengths. The guide bowed his head lightly and then thanked him, all the while ushering the group of the room.
Viatrix found the warning odd. “Why aren’t we allowed here after nightfall?”
“We’re so close to the Equator that the days are longer anyway, it doesn’t matter.” The thin-eyed man remarked.
“Still, he didn’t even give an explanation.”
“He’s the Elder’s son, he has as much power as his father, if not more. He certainly has the power not to give you an explanation.”
Feeling slightly offended by this rebuff, Vi quickened her pace and moved next to the German man. He was unpacking something from his satchel, and did not notice her presence beside him until he had pulled out the notebook and pen.
“You. You’re the girl from earlier, aren’t you?” He asked, not looking at her.
“Yes. I’m Vi.”
“For Victoria?”
Vi sighed. “No, my full name is a little different. My mother was studying Latin when she had me.”
The German waited, raising an eyebrow slightly at her.
“It’s Viatrix.”
He smiled. “That’s a good name. Do you travel often?”
“You know Latin?” Vi’s eyes widened slightly. This did not look like a man who could cook himself breakfast, let alone study an ancient language no longer widely-spoken in the world.
“I vas first in my class back in Hamburg. I’ve alvays loved Latin – it’s an old, yet beautiful language. Yet, you did not answer my question.”
“No, not as of late. But my brother, Jake, and I have been around nearly every country on this continent. Our parents sent us on an extended holiday.”
“The middle of the Amazon rainforest seems an odd destination to send your child.”
“We just moved to Rio de Janeiro, but our parents have been having difficulty finding a suitable place to live, with a school and so on. Plus, a lot of our things haven’t arrived from-“
“Please keep moving. We will return to the truck now to retrieve our things and set up a campsite not too far from the village.” The guide interrupted Vi’s explanation and hurried the rest of the group onwards, further into the vast dense of the jungle.
It was perhaps a fleeting moment of awareness, but for a second, Viatrix understood the measure of their isolation. Even if they walked for days, or weeks, in a particular direction, chances were that they would never find a way home if they ever got lost. It was an unsettling, though thrilling feeling.
She also felt like she was being watched.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:31 am
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IcyFlame says...



If this is one of your longer pieces I'm imagining your book will consist of many chapters, but short in length? Unless of cousre this is a novella. For clarification a novell is between 20,000 and 40,00 words and a novel is anything above that. That's wikipedia's definition but I would personally advise you to aim for the 60,00 word mark.
My main comment on this chapter involves your construction of speech.
MamaLama95 wrote:“Jake, come on, we have to gocommashe called out, breaking her train of thought before it dampened her spirits.

If you're unsure on how to form speech I'm sure there's a forum somewhere on the site that will explain it much better than I can.
  








The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness