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The Diamond Fist: Prologue



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Thu Aug 04, 2011 11:15 pm
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Blues says...



Spoiler! :
Hi All!
This is the prologue for The Diamond Fist, a tale set in post-revolution Egypt in 2011. It's about the mess that the ex-president creates in order to regain power, and how group of foreign teenagers get caught up in it.
Enjoy!


Prologue

Liam


If you could give a piece of advice to an unborn kid about life, what would it be?

“Concentrate at school”?

“Mum and Dad always know best”?

“Take life easy?”

If it was me, it would be “think before you speak”. No, forget that. It’d be “keep your trap shut at all times”. No, not even that. “Super glue your mouth at first opportunity”. Or at least, that’s what I’d have said to myself.

Because, if it weren’t for me, all those people wouldn’t have disappeared. They wouldn’t have gotten–oh God, I can’t even bring myself to say it.

It all started on February 12th. I’m usually not good with remembering dates, but this one has to have been burnt into my mind by my history teacher. It was the day after that dodgy Egyptian President was kicked out–Mustafar Ehap or whatever it was. I’m as bad with names as I am with dates.

I wish I could get it out of my head. It was supposed to be a good day. I mean, I had a diving competition and I went through to the regional round. Me and a few others would be representing Sharm El Sheikh in a few weeks time.

It all started in the changing rooms after that round was over. Everyone was either singing in their cubicles, others chanting, “We got through, we got through!” or “Sharm El Sheikh! Sharm El Sheikh!”

Then Damien Thomas, who’s probably the best at diving out of all of us, called, “Who’s up for a party?”

Everyone shouted back in agreement, me included. After all, it was something to celebrate. I could already picture myself at the very end of the competition with a gold medal around neck and taking photos with people.

“Where shall we have it?” said Lukas.

As I walked out of my cubicle I, jokingly, replied back, “On the cliff!”

“That’s a great idea!”

And that’s where it all started.

***



We arrived at the cliff, passing the café there as we neared the tip, where there was a dense cluster of tall palm trees with lush green leaves, which served as a sort of barrier to the tip of the cliff, which was a reddish-brown colour and rather crumbly. If you weren’t careful, you could easily slip.

I tried to stay well away from the edge, but that became harder and harder as the cliff narrowed as we neared the tip. I tried to block out the sound of waves crashing into the beach and fizzing as it pulled back or not to look down at the sea, but when I did, I backed farther away from the edge. I could see it: the dark, sinister depths of the sea. It was as if it was a giant monster, just waiting for me to step foot into its mouth at which point it would bolt shut, trapping me forever.

We arrived as far as we could go without going through the cluster of palm trees. It was like we rehearsed it all: phones out, music at maximum volume and party.

Half an hour later, one of the girls suggested we played a game called “Truth or Dare”. A few minutes later, we all laughed at the expression on Lukas’ face after he was dared to eat a chip with a ton of salt, mustard, vinegar and anything foul on it. We span the water bottle which pointed at me, meaning it was my turn to pick a dare for someone. My mind was blank about what you could do on the top of a cliff.

“Er... Um... Go and jump off the cliff? I don’t know–”

“You’ve been dared,” one of the girls said, “Go and do it.”

“I’ll do it if someone else comes with me,” replied Damien, who I had dared.

Instantly, most people shot their hands up. I instantly regretted it.

They lined up, preparing to jump.

“Guys,” I said. “I don’t think this is a good idea...”

“I bet you none of them has the guts to do it. Good one, Liam,” replied the same girl who told them to do the dare.

“Yes we do!” replied Damien, turning around. “We’ll dive off this cliff and then we’ll see.”

Dive off the cliff? In the dark? I remembered my best friend James telling me once before that shark attacks were more common in the dark. He told me that after a series of such attacks two months before.

I slid through the cluster of palm trees and grabbed onto one, where I could see them dive clearly and without being worried of falling.

“This is really not a good idea–”

It was crazy of them anyway. We only ever dived from a ten metre platform and there was a lifeguard there, in case you were about to drown... and this was a cliff nearly double that.

Drowning used to freak me out. In fact, the only reason I went diving was because Mum wanted me to stop being scared of water. On our holidays to Spain, I acted as if there was a restraining order for me from the sea.

When we arrived in Sharm El Sheikh, Mum made me join a diving club to help me overcome my fear of water. The coach there used to tell me to imagine that I was looking down at clouds and when I jumped into them, they could cushion my fall. “You can’t drown in water vapour now, can you?” I remember him saying.

I guess her plan for me to overcome my fear of water kind of worked but it still lingered somewhere. I used to shiver just imagining a cold, dark death while struggling to breath. I even used to think you’d bleed from drowning. Wisps of blood twisting, twirling, dancing like smoke.

“Three... two... one... jump!”

They dived into the murky depths of the sea. In the morning it was clear, calm and tranquil, the dazzling water warm, a bit like a Jacuzzi but in the night–I shuddered at the thought.

A string of loud gasps for air pierced the silence, followed by a loud round of applause.

“No point clapping if you aren’t gonna do it!” called up Lukas. Lukas Werner, jumping off a cliff? There can’t be that many 10 year old adrenaline junkies.
Especially him, he was the youngest out of all of us.

How the heck were they going to get back up?

“Oi, you guys, let’s climb up. Let’s get into this cave bit first.”

The water splashed as they climbed out of the water.

“Whoa,” Damien Thomas yelled. “Look at this!”

...and then they were gone.

Five minutes later, I wondered aloud where they were, but there was no reply. Another five minutes later, I asked whether we should go looking for them, but no one else dared to break the silence, but by then it was pretty obvious what happened.

They had disappeared.

And the worst thing about it? Nothing would’ve happened if I had kept my mouth shut.

All because of me.

As usual.


Next chapter here
Last edited by Blues on Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:48 pm, edited 7 times in total.
  





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Thu Aug 04, 2011 11:44 pm
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confetti says...



was a

dense cluster of palm trees.


This should be one paragraph.

Not very many grammatical mistakes, but I would like to point out that this story goes by very fast. Almost too fast. It could be a little more descriptive and more could have happened. I found that I was pretty confused as to what actually happened. Did they just disappear? I really have no clue what happened in the end. The beginning was strong, but the ending lacked a bit. Keep writing, cheers.
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Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:32 am
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xMidnightWriterx says...



Heya,

One thing I should point out is grammar is really not my best point so I've learnt to stay away from it during reviewing. I read through confetti's review and I agree with a few points that were made.
The story goes by pretty fast, to be honest this was more like a prologue then a first chapter. More description could be used to lengthen it out; start focusing more on location and other characters. Just a few sentences here and there to show the reader what it's like will do; don't start putting fancy, long winded descriptions in.
Description can be used again to add more emotion into it. Your use of sentence length is really good, especially in the first few paragraphs, but a few well placed, emotional adjectives could get it across more clearly.

But anyway

That information’s not important.


I'd take these out, becasue if you say that the info isn't important or you act like your trying to get through the info quickly then it usually shouldn't be in there to start with and the reader will pick up on that.

Last point. Paragraphing is a little choppy. You probably know this but you start a new paragraph when the subject that you are talking about changes or when someone new speaks. Bunch your sentences together a bit :).

This was really good and I hope I wasn't to harsh; I try not to be when I review. I love the mystery you put in about how they dissapeared - it's definatly one of those pull the reader in elements. Do keep posting up and please notify me when the next chapter is up :D. Post something on my wall or PM me if you have any queries about my review, Midnight x
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Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:11 pm
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Blues says...



Hi Midnight and Confetti,
Thanks for reviewing!
@confetti, I see what you mean by it going too fast. I had a similar problem with my last novel - something I obviously need to address. I'll also try to make it clearer about what happened. Thanks for your help :)
@Midnight, I was thinking of making this chapter a prologue before I posted it actually :) I decided not to because I always skip the prologue and I doubt I'm the only one :) For description, you're right, I do need to put more. This cliff is important, so I should include lots of description. Thanks! :)
I'll post an updated version of this later to see what you think :) Thanks again!

Mac
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 4:54 pm
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AngelKnight900 says...



This is actually a great chapter but it actually goes too fast because you really got my hooked on this. If you want to keep it this short then maybe it should be a prologue. Decide what you want to do. If you want to keep it as a chapter...I advise more description. But don't ruin it because this chapter was actually very good. Thumbs up. :D
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Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:46 pm
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AmeliaCogin says...



Hello, Mac! I'm here as promised! Right, let's get down to a review, shall we?

Okay...so, where to start...

Overall-first impression

I enjoyed this first chapter, Mac. I'm definately up for reading the second. I was intruiged at the end - I'm presuming all the kids die? Other than that, I do have to agree with the other reviewers and say that this chapter did move a little bit fast. I would've prefered your piece a litte more paced and methodical, with a few more descriptions here and there. For instance - what were the changing rooms like - sweaty and damp? Or, what the sea was like on that night, or how high the cliff was. The body of work is essentialy a good, soild 'base', but needs padding out a little bit more. Normally, writers speed up their stories for dramatic, high-impact flashfiction. For a novel, I would suggest slowing right down.

Now, I'm going to move onto some General Nitpicks

So, aside from the above (adding more descriptive prose to pack a bit more punch), I have a two more issues with the story that I'll point out to you.

Firstly, this:
Ahmadblues wrote:Mummy and Daddy always know best’?
- Liam's thirteen, right? Well, would a thirteen-year-old really give you that advice? Normally, at that age, teens don't see the benefits of their parents' guidence. Is there some unknown reason why Liam would be that mature? If there is, perhaps think of clarifying it.

Next:
Ahmadblues wrote:Me and a few others would be representing South Sinai, where Sharm El Sheikh in Egypt was.
This sentence ready awkwardly. It sounds a little bit childish, in a strange way. My advice would be just trying to reword it because it's too simple for the sentences around it.

Well, I think that's it! I hope this review helped, and I'll be back for chapter two!

~ Amelia
  





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Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:13 pm
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AmeliaCogin says...



That's so much better! Seriously, I don't think I've seen a writer come back with such an improved re-write of their story. You took all the advice you were given on board, and you've made this 100 times better. Your descriptions were also very clear and pretty. They really helped me picture what was in your head when you wrote you chapter. Also, Italicize 'always'. You can do that by going into 'edit', highlighting the word, then pressing the i button above. Ok? You've got a great story going here...;)
  





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Sun Aug 07, 2011 6:49 pm
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xMidnightWriterx says...



Yay, this was brilliant! Well done, you've really improved this and in such a short space of time as well. I'm very impressed! You kept all the good bits from before the same, which is good, and added even more good stuff on top of that. :)

the day after that dodgy Egyptian President was kicked out

Then Damien Thomas, who’s probably the best at diving out of all of us,

I could picture myself at the very end of the competition with a gold medal around neck and taking photos with people

I just wanted to point these bits out because by putting these in you've really started to develop your character without anyone actually suggesting it. Good job :D

One thing I would point out, hope you don't mind.

‘Great idea!’

You said that Liam said it jokeingly so I'm pretty sure he would be surprised that they're taking him seriously. Maybe just put "someone said, taking my idea seriously." afterwards.

Apart from that great job! I'm glad you reviewed it and posted it back up again. Keep me updated and notify me when the next part is up, Midnight x
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Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:24 pm
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Esther Sylvester says...



Hi! I'm here to review, as promised. Sorry it took me so long to reply.

You already have a lot of good reviews here, so I probably don't have much to add. I'll just see if I can help any!

GRAMMAR

Your grammar is quite excellent, if not for a few quirks that I'm going to point out. First, is your dialogue marks. Dialogue is to be contained within quotation marks, and not appostrophies. So basically, it's

"Hey, General Armstrong!"

and not

'Hey, General Armstrong!'

I've seen some people put their dialogue in appostrophies on here, but I have yet to see a published novel with dialogue like that, so just a heads up.

Secondly, when you put emphasis on words, I don't recommend you use CAPS. Like "One...two..three...JUMP!" Most readers (not all of them) think it look unprofessional, and it isn't the best way to prove a point. You know how on chat rooms where people always talk in CAPS, and it gets old really fast? It kind of reminds us of that. For a cleaner look, use italics.

That's it for grammar, really! You write very clearly!

YOUR STORY

A very intriguing introduction. You have piqued the reader's interest without giving too much away. You do have some moments where I get really confused, though, and this is mostly due to your lack of dialogue tags. A dialogue tag says who is talking as you probably know. ("I didn't mean to eat the sandwich," Jack cried.) However, you often don't say who is talking. You said at the beginning that Liam thinks his what happened to his friends is his fault because he didn't keep his mouth shut. When I read, I wasn't sure what he had said that "caused" what happened. I take it that it was "Let's jump off the cliff!" but since you didn't say who said it, I had no idea who did. As a general rule, whenever a new person speaks, let the reader know who is speaking. We are not psychic; we rely on you to tell your story as clearly as possible. You don't have to have a tag every time some one new speaks, so long as the people talking have been established:

"It's purple," Jack said.

"I know it is," Tom said.

"I wonder why it's purple."

"Don't ask me!"

Now, I adored your intro. It was a very catching line, and I loved it! It made me want to read more, and your writing style has a certain wryness that I eat right up. Your pacing is very fast, though, almost to the point of blurring. I know that you have improved in your second draft, but it still needs more. A dramatic scene like this demands a certain amount of clarity. We want to know what the character sees and feels for every second. We don't want, "He did this, and then he did that", because that's a list. Bring the moment alive through descriptions. You don't really have to be descriptive until you hit the moment where Liam suggest they go off the cliff. That is, after all, the most important part. Describe the things that matter the most. Since this is a prologue, we want some intrigue as to what will happen next, but we also want to know why the character feels the way he does.

I think you have the plot down, you just need to make the whole scene clearer. When describing the cliff, appeal to all five senses. Also, I was confused as to what was going on when his friends disapeared. I thought they were at the bottom of a cliff, so how could he hear his friends when they walked inside the cave? And if he could hear their footsteps disapear, why didn't he go after them? This is where setting is important. Why couldn't he reach them? Where are his friends in the first place?

Liam seems like a funny and clever character, and I can't wait for more of him. I don't have any critiques for character yet, as this is a prologue.

Well, that's pretty much it! I enjoyed this very much!I think you have a solid introduction to the story, and with a bit more polishing it will be perfect. Keep on writing, and thanks for the read,

Esther
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Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:31 pm
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Deanie says...



I lied it. I can understand why Liam feels guilty that its all his fault. I lie how you started with question, what would tell an unborn child about life? Then he answered and you explained why Liam answered like that. I found that a smart idea. ;)

I can't seen any grammatical mistakes, I just think when you say who's point of view its from maybe you should put P.O.V before Liam? It helps just a teeny bit, but yeah, I would've preferred that.

Deanie x
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DukeofWonderland says...



Chapter One
Liam Hunt This is like Jodi Picoult- this is the name of the character of this stream of consciousness right ? Make portions before this bold
If you could give a piece of advice to an unborn kid about life, what would it be? Don’t kick mommy! (when you’re inside her):P
‘Concentrate at School’?
‘Mummy and Daddy always know best’?
‘Take life easy?’
If it were me... It would be ‘Think before you speak’. No, forget that. It’d be ‘Keep your trap shut at all times’. No, not even that. ‘Super glue your mouth at first opportunity’. Or at least, that’s what I’d have said to myself. The beginning was very- mature and deep, when you started ‘Keep your trap shut at all times’. The flow stumbled, and then it got back on it’s feet and fell.
‘Cause, if it weren’t for me, all those people wouldn’t have disappeared. They wouldn’t have gotten–Oh,[/I ]God, I can’t even bring myself to say it. If it weren’t for me.
It all started on February 12th, the day after the Egyptian President was kicked out,[i]Change this phrase- darling your toturing a possibly good story- not kicked out, I understand it comes in your natural sense but I don’t know, you seem to be changing your feelings (Probably explains the sudden blasts of words in the flow)
Mustafar Ehap or something like that. I never really knew his name.
………………..Everyone shouted back in agreement, me included. Here I’m not sure- but I usually say including me Then somebody else shouted, ‘Where shall we have it?’
………We arrived at the cliff and walked close to the edge, passing the café there as we neared the tip, where there was a dense cluster of palm trees. there as there was, a little repetitive and the statement also seems too long. Maybe braek it up somewhere
….. ‘Oi, you guys, let’s climb back up. Get into this cave bit first.’ hahah- I love the oi expression. :D
………….As usual. Well, I guess was a slightly harsh at the beginning. (Ahmad says: Ya, you destroyed my hopes of being a writer- slightly harsh) I was reading a very serious complex dude 3 minutes ago so…. The story seems good, And I like the informal attitude but the beginning was more subtle than the out burst in the middle- doesn’t matter, that explains the nervousness in Liam. Ne hu, hope my review helps :D And, take it positively or just go insult one of my works. I won’t mind if you did that :D
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Fri Nov 25, 2011 3:04 pm
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Benrobertringrose says...



Hello

Ahmad, this is very impressive. Particular strength for me personally is simply the idea. A very new, innovative idea! In the first couple of sentences you instantly illustrate the character’s likeable personality. You do this with the use of the character questioning the reader, very clever. After reading this will undoubtedly check the rest out! Well done!

Ben
  





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Sat Dec 24, 2011 12:42 pm
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murtuza says...



Ahmad bro!

I'm so sorry I've arrived at this Novel really late. You've already got some great reviews from everyone else here and you've even tweaked it a bit too. I read the newer one that you've posted and I have to say, it's quite impressive. You've conveyed quite a bit about the character's (hopefully the protagonist's) personality quite well.

So this chapter is completely reserved for the Character development of Liam Hunt (who in some strange way, I can imagine looking like Tom Cruise. Ethan Hunt? xD) and a slight cameo of the conspiracy taking place involving the President as well. So you're keeping a bit of the suspense at bay too. I'm actually a bit confused as to the conception of the chapter. Is it a separate Prologue or a starting Chapter? If it is a Prologue, then it should be a standalone piece and its continuation shall be in the form of the Epilogue. Hence, the Prologue must be independent from the Chapters but must convey some significance towards the plot. So basically, it should establish a setting for the main story.

The grammar here is all good and there's not much that I need to tell you about any corrections. Though...
Liam Hunt

If you could give a piece of advice to an unborn kid about life, what would it be?

The start seems to be quite abrupt. I'm reading 'Liam hunt' and thinking that it's the MC who's saying this. So the transition into the MC's voice should be clearly portrayed. Italicize or Bold the 'Liam Hunt'. Or just not have it there at all too. :) Either way, it'll still make sense.

How the heck are they gonna get back up?

Since it's the MC in Liam's POV, this line should be in past tense. I'm sure it's just an innocent mistake while typing. So don't worry. Just make sure you read through the lines a couple of times to make sure your sentences match the correct tense for the situation.

They dived into the murky depths of the sea. In the morning it was clear, calm and tranquil, the dazzling water warm, a bit like a Jacuzzi but in the night...

Again, 'They dived into the murky depths of the sea. In the morning it was clear, calm and tranquil. The dazzling water warm; a bit like a Jacuzzi but in the night.'
Remember, that punctuation needs to be a bit carefully applied. Because each one has a set function. It's easy to over-see things like this. But once mistakes like these do actually catch your eye, it would make you a better writer :)

As I walked out of my damp, dark blue cubicle I, jokingly, replied, ‘On the cliff!’

There's an extra comma more than needed here. 'As I walked out of my damp, dark blue cubicle, I jokingly replied, 'On the cliff!'

I've also noticed that you've kept the styling of your dialogues in the format of using single quotes. This could be tricky since apostrophes withing the dialogue can cause confusion over the beginning and end to the dialogue (eg: 'She said it was her's but it was actually emily's'). Also, if the character is quoting someone else in the dialogue, using single quotes for that as well wouldn't really be desirable. So I'd suggest sticking to the double quotes for dialogues. But if you think you can manage with the single quotes, it's fine as well. :)

So all in all, I'm quite happy with this chapter. I'm glad that I've started reading this piece and I'm really interested as to how the things will unfold in the future of the plot. You've done well, Ahmad. So like I always say, keep the ink flowing :D

Murtuza
:)
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Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:23 pm
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MiaParamore says...



Hey, Mac! I'm finally here. :D

Prologue:

Everyone shouted back in agreement, me included.
His is where they all agree for the cliff-diving, right? I am liking the way you've painted the picture till now, but I personally feel that you could add in some kind of sounds of how they were excited-you know some solid description?

Alright, so there weren't grammatical mistakes as far as I know. This story was without any bumps. One thing I'd like to say, though is that you're using informal language a lot at places other than the dialogue. Like 'cause' and all which are not part of the dialogue. You see, you must adhere to certain conventions while writing and using such casual talk when not really needed is one of them. I get you're trying to give your character a certain light, but I'd love if you'd seek out other ways to do so and try bring his speaking style in 'dialog' or his mannerism. I hope you get me. :)

Something related to the above point. I am hesitating to ask this but I was wondering who exactly Liam is? Because from the sound of it, his name and that of Luke doesn't Luke really Egyptian to me-I'm not sure about that, though. They just seem from somewhere else-if you see what I mean. If that is the case, don't forget to bring it up in the forthcoming topics. :D It'd be fun to read about culture mix.


Now coming to your story-to be honest, you beginning was marvelous. It was just what I love reading and when I'm writing, I prefer to come with something as gripping as this. Honestly, it was short and sweet. Besides that, it did show that you know what you're doing and where you're headed. Which, needless to say, shows you're planned. :) Unlike me. xD!

I'm just confused with 'cave bit'.

And yes, your second draft of prologue is obviously much neat and interesting.
Your writing for your age is good. Crisp and fast. Maybe 'fast' is something you might need to fix but in the second edition of the prologue I think you got it and had worked.

Also, you might want to consider your descriptions. You don't really need heavy descriptions in prologue but be careful to wait and explain stuff to the readers and don't speed by.

Besides that, I really don't have much to say that you sure are a promising writer and you 'listen' to what your reviewers say and work on it. That is really great. I'd come back soon for Chapter-1 review and I can't wait to read what's gonna happen.

Hope this helps. PM me for anything you'd wanna ask.

Nice choice of words. :)
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Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:33 am
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Jas says...



This is the THIRD time I'm writing this review. THIRD. THIRD. THIRD. My computer and the internet and most of the universe hates me. I swear, I'm saving this every five minutes. I put so many quotes and wrote so flipping much the last two times but I'm tired and aggravated so I'm going to do a general review instead.

Ahmed, you have three problems here. Your dialogue and some description is awkward. Your situations make no sense. You lack imagery. If you can fix these three things than this will be so fantastically original and amazing, I will buy thousands of copies once it's published and make you a millionaire.


“Concentrate at school”


How can one concentrate at school? Shouldn't it be 'concentrate on school' or 'concentrate in school'? This reads awkwardly.

“That’s a great idea!”


This just doesn't seem realistic. Maybe 'Yeah, let's go!' or even better maybe some dialogue telling us how they are going to get to the cliff or what food or blankets they have to bring to the cliff or something, because as I'll tell you later on, you describe basically nothing throughout this.

“Where shall we have it?” said Lukas.


The line itself isn't bad but it's who says it. Lukas is 10. 10 year old's do not have parties on cliffs. It just doesn't happen ever. When I was 10, I had a Barbie themed birthday party with a clown that frightened all my classmates. 10 year old's do not hang out with cool older kids who jump off cliffs, party on cliffs at night and have cell phones. It's so ridiculously unbelievable I'm surprised no one else mentioned it.

And that’s where it all started.


Hideous cliche. Use something else plez.

We arrived at the cliff, passing the café there as we neared the tip, where there was a dense cluster of tall palm trees with lush green leaves. which It served as a sort of barrier to the tip of the cliff, which was a reddish-brown colour and rather crumbly.


Waaaaay too long. I made it a little better. You tend to describe things that aren't really important. Rather than telling us how they got to the cliff, you describe the cliff, even though it isn't really important, even later in the story. Did they arrive in a car or did they walk? Did they have baskets and blankets or did they arrive bare handed?

It was like we rehearsed it all: phones out, music at maximum volume and party.


I can't even with this line. What the heck? They take out their phones? Why? What do cellular devices have to do with parties at all?! Where is the music coming from? Did Damien and Liam and their merry band of nameless, irrelevant teenagers bring speakers along? Is it not redundant to say that they partied at a party?

Is it night? Did they come in a car? Where are the speakers hooked up to? How many people are there? Do they have blankets? Do they have food? Are they all swimmers? What were they doing for that half-hour before Truth or Dare? Just sitting around?

EXPLAIN BRO. Show me the girls twirling their hips like drunk hula dancers, the guys leaning against the palm trees with Cokes in their hands, laughing and nodding their heads to the music. Let me hear the deep bass of the music, the vibrato from the speakers, the seagulls squawking and the waves crashing against the jagged rocks. Let me smell the faint traces of flirty perfume on the girls and the chlorine still soaked into the guys' hair. Let me taste the salty sea air and feel the cool breeze on my arm. You need to take me there and show me all this. I need to be there with Liam and Damien and Lukas.

Half an hour later, one of the girls suggested we played a gamecalled of“Truth or Dare”


Give this girl a name or some sort of relevancy other than the chick who suggests Truth or Dare. What is she even doing there if Liam doesn't know her? Is she Egyptian or a UKer? How the heck doesn't Liam know her if she's a swimmer like him and came all the way from the UK to represent Sharm El-Sheikh? I think I'd remember all the people I traveled internationally with.

We spun the water bottle which pointed at me, meaning it was my turn to pick a dare for someone.


That's not exactly how Truth or Dare works. I'm not sure if it's played differently where you are but the person last dared spins the bottle and dares someone else.

“You’ve been dared,” one of the girls said, “Go and do it.”


Make her a person. Why is she just some irrelevant character? Give her a name or at least one identifying description. Say she's wearing an ugly hat or something.

replied Damien, who I had dared.


When the heck did you mention that Liam dared Damien. Was it just unanimously and silently decided that Damien would be the next person dared?

“Guys,” I said. “I don’t think this is a good idea...”


Bro. You just suggested it and now you're saying it's a bad idea? I don't think I like your MC very much. It's really the hardest thing, to make a MC likable. You don't even know how many people told me that Chloe was annoying and you don't even know how many times I had to change every phrase she said to make her more likable. I suggest you do the same.

“Yes we do!”


Again, awkward. No one really says 'yes'. Teenagers say 'yeah'.

On our holidays to Spain, I acted as if there was a restraining order for me from the sea.


I like this line but honestly, where the heck is this kid from. His name is Liam. He lives in Egypt with a bunch of his English friends? But he vacations in Spain? I don't even understand what's happening here. Give your character a strong background in the beginning of the story so I'm not left wondering where the hell this kid came from.

When we arrived in Sharm El Sheikh, Mum


So the kid's British. But he lives in Egypt. And vacations in Spain.

#confusing.

Why is he living in Egypt anyway?!

Wisps of blood twisting, twirling, dancing like smoke.


No doubt, my favorite line but un-italicize 'dancing'. Makes it much, much stronger.

“No point clapping if you aren’t gonna do it!” called up Lukas. Lukas Werner, jumping off a cliff? There can’t be that many 10 year old adrenaline junkies.
Especially him, he was the youngest out of all of us.


Alright, I can tolerate a lot and suspend my disbelief for so much but this is too much. The kid is 10?!

sdfdsgtzatrhHOW. WHY. WHAT EVEN. These people are at least 16-17 to be able to drive up the cliff and to have parents allow them to be out at night partying. So tell me how Lukas is 10. Tell me how this is even possible. It's so mind-bogglingly unrealistic like, I feel like slamming my face on the keyboard.

And what is this line 'no point clapping if you aren't gonna do it'? What does that even mean? I say just take out this entire bit and focus on describing some stuff.

Five minutes later, I wondered aloud where they were, but there was no reply. Another five minutes later, I asked whether we should go looking for them, but no one else dared to break the silence, but by then it was pretty obvious what happened. They had disappeared.


How many people jumped and how many people didn't? And how is it obvious that they of all things, disappeared? I think it takes a bit longer than 10 minutes to climb up a cliff. Maybe have them wait a half hour, call over the cliff a few times then tell me they disappeared, but silence for 10 minutes doesn't mean we should call the police.

And the worst thing about it? Nothing would’ve happened if I had kept my mouth shut.

All because of me.

As usual.


oh woe is me, people are gone because I might've muttered the words 'cliff' and 'jump'. I've caused the disappearances of my friends AS USUAL. Your ending is strong, annoying, but strong and even though I don't like Liam, I like it.

*

Character-wise, you've only developed Liam and he bothers me to no end. He's just a depressing downer. A Safe Sam. euch. If he went to my school, I'd ignore the heck out of this kid. Lukas cannot be ten. He cannot. It's just not okay. Make him fourteen or something. That seems reasonable, assuming that the other kids are 16-18 years old. You also need to let me know how old these kids are.

Plot-wise, there were several bumps on this road, but the journey will be worth it if you can flatten them out. You have to let us know why the heck a British boy named Liam is with a bunch of English kids in Egypt representing an Arabic town in a swimming competition. It just makes no sense.

Writing-wise, you have a very nicely paced way of writing but there is little to no imagery. What you do describe is pointless and doesn't further the plot, the characters or the writing. Imagery isn't necessary but you have to describe things.

I think what happened with this chapter is that you want to move on to the actual story, the good stuff so you sped through this without focusing much on back story or whether it's even logical. The first chapter/prologue is always sososososooooo important because this is the start where you either get the reader or you don't. You have to make it perfect. Right now, it's not. I really like the idea and I'm ridiculously excited for this story but if this was a book and I read this chapter, I'd put the book down. It's just not ready yet.

I know I've been harsh and maybe I should have eased into it since this was the first review you've gotten by me so I'm sorry. I hope I helped at least a little. I'm so upset. The other two reviews were so much longer than this. Ugh, I'm hopeless.

PM me if you have any questions or comments. I love getting responds to my reviews so yeah. PM me.

Grade: B-

~jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  








Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau