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Young Writers Society


[Title Pending] -Chapter 1



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Reviews: 10
Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:28 pm
number32 says...



Just want to say: I'm obviously going to be having many more drafts after this and posting this up will help me rewrite. I understand there's probably quite a lot wrong with it. I welcome critiques gladly!



“Hello, my lovely little sister,” His voice sounded gruff over the phone, she never remembered it to be that deep those years ago.
“What do you want, Mane?” She asked, annoyed. “You haven’t spoken to me for ten years and you’re calling me now. Why?”
He laughed slightly at the other end of the phone. “Well, my lovely, I want to face you in a little duel of mine…”
“Oh?” Serpia said, curiously. “A duel? What kind of duel will this be, you’re all the way in Australia.”
“As I have said, this is my own creation. Let me teach you the rules…” He cleared his throat comically, and then continued. “You see, this whole useless world of the Human’s is our board and me and you, Serpia, will be gaining land on the board. Collecting soldiers and other things we need on our way to make our side stronger. The person who gains the most respect will win.”
Serpia thought about this. “And the humans? Do you really think they will let us play on their land? Use them and kill them?”
“They’d have no choice. We, Myths, are so much stronger than them Serpia, you and I have always known that. They can play around with there firearms and nuclear bombs but you can control where the bullets go and I can burn them all.”
“What about the other people with powers?” Serpia asks “Do we kill them?”
“Ofcourse not! Create a Head for your side, Myths are powerful, we can play so many roles.” He paused and Serpia looked down at the wet street London; humans carrying shopping bags and car flashlights reflecting off the puddles. The sky was still grey and still raining but in between the clouds the sun’s rays crawled out. She was interrupted by her brother’s loud cough.
“What?” She snapped, irritated.
He hesitated slightly. “So? What do you say?”
Serpia took one last look down at the street of London. “I accept.”



When Mane put the horrid human telephone down, he strode out of the unfurnished room, his dark cloak swirling around at his ankles. He pulled the hood up and entered the room directly next to the one he had just exited. Inside were wooden crates pilled almost as high as the ceiling, there was a man there with a clipboard who Mane addressed now:
“Keep them here for now, got it?”
When the man nodded an affirmative he left the room and stood outside the door, lighting a cigarette and taking a puff from it. He sighed and then took another puff.

Mane knew Serpia was going to accept his request. She was too stubborn not to and Mane was glad. He needed to teach her who was the one with power; it had been bugging him ever since he’d moved to Australia. She was so sure of herself, she was just so cocky, but really Mane was the one with the upper hand. Mane was the one with decent powers. So, for the ten years he’d been living here, he’d planned for this day. He had to admit that his duel was an amazing idea, it was just perfect and he knew it would be so much fun once they got into it.
He tapped the top of the cigarette and the ash dropped to the floor, took another puff and then stubbed it out beneath his combat boots.

Straightening up, Mane strode down the corridor of the school, well it used to be a school but now it was Mane and The Bloody X’s base. He entered a room occupied by several other men dressed in cloaks
“Right, get the explosives ready. We’re going right now.”
The men composed themselves, a few moving past Mane and out of the room. Happy that the men were busy; Mane left the room and headed for the cupboard filled with wine.
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:44 pm
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AngelKnight900 says...



Well, first I want to say welcome to YWS. It's a really good community here and I'm sure you will like it.
Okay....I'm not really up for nitpicking and whatnot because I'm lazy and I usually let the next guy do it but I'm trying to improve on my reviews and I guess if I do it, another member probably won't be so harsh on you.

First the beginning...........

“Hello, my lovely little sister,” His voice sounded gruff over the phone, she never remembered it to be that deep those years ago.
“What do you want, Mane?” She asked, annoyed. “You haven’t spoken to me for ten years and you’re calling me now. Why?”
He laughed slightly at the other end of the phone. “Well, my lovely, I want to face you in a little duel of mine…”
“Oh?” Serpia said, curiously. “A duel? What kind of duel will this be, you’re all the way in Australia.”
“As I have said, this is my own creation. Let me teach you the rules…” He cleared his throat comically, and then continued. “You see, this whole useless world of the Human’s is our board and me and you, Serpia, will be gaining land on the board. Collecting soldiers and other things we need on our way to make our side stronger. The person who gains the most respect will win.”


Well I'm very interested in what battle this may be and how it can go out but the dialogue is a little forced. Like when Mane calls Serpia 'lovely'. If he wants to play with her and sound menacing then sound more of it because I can see that you're trying and I don't want to see that. If you want to make him sound menacing...show a little fear in Serpia's attitude. It has to go both ways. Also, put a little more detail of where they are and also describe their body language.

When Mane put the horrid human telephone down
Ok.....this is you speaking and I'm a human and our telephones aren't so horrid XD. Just take off the horrid because this shows that you're forcing it a little too much on the suspense or whatever mood you're trying to establish.

Mane knew Serpia was going to accept his request. She was too stubborn not to and Mane was glad. He needed to teach her who was the one with power; it had been bugging him ever since he’d moved to Australia. She was so sure of herself, she was just so cocky, but really Mane was the one with the upper hand. Mane was the one with decent powers. So, for the ten years he’d been living here, he’d planned for this day. He had to admit that his duel was an amazing idea,
Okay you have said Mane a little too much here. You could've used he.
Here....I will help you with this one.

Mane knew Serpia was going to accept his request. She was too stubborn not to, making him glad.......(now to the third and fourth sentence) Mane was the one with the upper hand. He was the one with decent power. If you say a character's name too much it can really piss off the reader.

The men composed themselves, a few moving past Mane and out of the room. Happy that the men were busy; Mane left the room and headed for the cupboard filled with wine.
Again with the Manes...-__-. I'm not too sure of the ending because it kind of doesn't make me want to read the next chapter. But then again....I reread it. Some pple might not.

Well my work here is done I suppose. I actually think you have a great story here and if this is an adventure/action novel, you will need a lot of description in this. Description is what you need here. And more suspenseful moments. Good luck and get a title soon. Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1133
Reviews: 20
Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:45 pm
TheCrimsonQuill says...



Hi there! I going to make an attempt at this, okay? :)

“Hello, my lovely little sister,” His voice sounded gruff over the phone, she never remembered it to be that deep those years ago.
“What do you want, Mane?” She asked, annoyed. “You haven’t spoken to me for ten years and you’re calling me now. Why?”
He laughed slightly at the other end of the phone. “Well, my lovely, I want to face you in a little duel of mine…”
“Oh?” Serpia said, curiously. “A duel? What kind of duel will this be, you’re all the way in Australia.”
“As I have said, this is my own creation. Let me teach you the rules…” He cleared his throat comically, and then continued. “You see, this whole useless world of the Human’s (Try maybe humans or Humans') is our board and me and you, 'You and I' may sound better. Your choice Serpia, will be gaining land on the board. Collecting soldiers and other things we need on our way to make our side stronger. The person who gains the most respect will win.”
Serpia thought about this. “And the humans? Do you really think they will let us play on their land? Use them and kill them?”
“They’d have no choice. We, Myths, are so much stronger than them Serpia, you and I have always known that. They can play around with there firearms and nuclear bombs but you can control where the bullets go and I can burn them all.”
“What about the other people with powers?” Serpia asks “Do we kill them?”
“Ofcourse not! Create a Head for your side, Myths are powerful, we can play so many roles.” He paused and Serpia looked down at the wet street London; humans carrying shopping bags and car flashlights reflecting off the puddles. The sky was still grey and still raining but in between the clouds the sun’s rays crawled out. She was interrupted by her brother’s loud cough.
“What?” She snapped, irritated.
He hesitated slightly. “So? What do you say?”
Serpia took one last look down at the street of London. “I accept.”



When Mane put the horrid human telephone down, he strode out of the unfurnished room, his dark cloak swirling around at his ankles. He pulled the hood up and entered the room directly next to the one he had just exited. Inside were wooden crates pilled almost as high as the ceiling, there was a man there with a clipboard who Mane addressed now:
“Keep them here for now, got it?”
When the man nodded an affirmative he left the room and stood outside the door, lighting a cigarette and taking a puff from it. He sighed and then took another puff.

Mane knew Serpia was going to accept his request. She was too stubborn not to and Mane was glad. He needed to teach her who was the one with power; it had been bugging him ever since he’d moved to Australia. She was so sure of herself, she was just so cocky, but really Mane was the one with the upper hand. Mane was the one with decent powers. So, for the ten years he’d been living here, he’d planned for this day. He had to admit that his duel was an amazing idea, it was just perfect and he knew it would be so much fun once they got into it.
He tapped the top of the cigarette and the ash dropped to the floor, took another puff and then stubbed it out beneath his combat boots.

Straightening up, Mane strode down the corridor of the school, well it used to be a school but now it was Mane and The Bloody X’s base. He entered a room occupied by several other men dressed in cloaks
“Right, get the explosives ready. We’re going right now.”
The men composed themselves, a few moving past Mane and out of the room. Happy that the men were busy; Mane left the room and headed for the cupboard filled with wine.

All I have to say is: I loved every minute of it.
I kid you not!
I loved the names that you used, also. Very unique :)
I hope you post more of this!
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler! :
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana
  








I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison