Young Writers Society

Chapter 1
The Boy Assassin

It was a dark and lonely place. I was inside a very damp cell and all I could see was the outline of my skin. My hands and feet were chained together. I was laying down on the floor when I saw red beady eyes look at me then scurry away. What I thought in my head was questions that I wanted answered like why am I alive? What am I?
I was deep into my thought until suddenly the cell door opened and let in a streak of light. What stood at the door was a tall dark man muscular man who carried a large whip in one hand and one of many keys in the other. His name was John Hawke and He was my older half brother.
“Hey boy father wants to see you”, he said while pushing the door open even further. My name is Christopher Hawke and I’m a born and raised killing machine. I’m a sixteen year old African American. I have two brothers and one sister and I am the bastard of the family. From what my family has told me my mother was a concubine to my father and her job was to pleasure him. My mother died when I was still at a young age.
John Hawke is the oldest of my siblings. His age is thirty and His birthday 1971, November 1. My father put him in charge of torturing me. He is a master at multiple arts of torturing and during the past twelve years of my life he would torture me every me everyday until the day I was able to tune out all of it. While he would torture me. While he would torture me he would have a sick smile of joy on his face. He would chain me up and hit me and laugh until I blacked out. I have now adapted to his torture and I now don’t even flinch while being torture.
My second oldest sibling is Jacob Hawke. Born in August 21, 1979. His age is 22 years old. he was a master of several deadly martial arts .He is in charge of teaching me them to me and he was just as cruel as John. At first he would beat me senselessly. Just laughing as he kicked me across the room, but soon after twelve years of a beating. He was no longer able to touch me. I was able to swerve around him with ease while blending
The youngest one of my oldest siblings is Clare Hawke. Born July 11, 1992. Her age is nineteen. She is a master at deadly poisons and long ranged projectiles and she was in charge of me. Although she was the youngest she was also the cruelest. When she was teaching me she would show no emotions, but after she would treat me as her own personal toy. At night she would come into my cell and pleasure herself whatever way she thought was possible and until this day she still does.
I slowly stood up and gotten on to my feet. I was wearing a white t-shirt that I was wearing is covered in blood stains and filth. The t-shirt and jeans that I had on was torn which My felt like it was covered in multiple layers on grime. As I slowly walked over to the cell door John grabbed my chain that was connecting both of my hands and feet and forcibly tugged me threw the door.
When I came threw the door I went into a bright decorative hallway. The walls were painted a red through out the hallway. On the wall were portraits of many ancestors who belonged to the Hawke Organization one of the biggest assassination family’s in the world.
After sitting there and getting my eyes adjusted to the light. I looked down the hall. I saw three maids walking towards us. Two of them looked like twins. They both had red hair like the sun and bright multicolored eyes. The third made stood out the most. She looked like she could be a Greek goddess Aphrodite. Her hair was golden like the morning sun and her eyes reminded me of the deep blue ocean.
“Hey trash what are you staring at?” He said while look in the direction I was staring. By the time I turned my head to look at him. He had that wicked smile on his face that he usually had when he would torture me.
“Hey girls come over here”, he said while pulling on the chain as hard as he could and throwing me to the ground.
“I’m going to need you to clean this piece of shit and get him ready to see my father later on today. Be sure to scrub him real good I don’t want him to stink when he see’s him. It’ll be all of your punishments if he does.” He said while walking down the hallway and disappearing around the corner. They stared at me as I tried to stand up again and only one of them tried to help me. I looked up and saw that it was the blonde haired girl.
“What are you doing Beth?” said one of the twins.
“What are you talking about Riana? I’m trying to help him up of course.” She said while reaching down to grab my arm.
“Don’t touch me”, I shouted as I swatted her hand away. I slowly got to my feet and started to walk towards the bathroom.
“Don‘t you know that boy is a monster?“ Said the other twin. “He could murder a hundred people without feeling any sympathy for them. He has no emotions that is what all the house hold workers say about him.”
Beth stared at me with surprise in her eyes. Then she spoke “That is impossible. He looks like a normal boy my age.” That’s right I thought inside my head I’m a monster fear me like everyone else I know.
“I’m going to need you two to get him a change of cloths for him”, she said while not even turning her head to them. She was starring at me like I was a wild animal.
“But we can’t just leave you with him”, they both shouted. While starring wide eyed at me.
“I’ll be alright”, said Beth. “I don’t think he will do anything.”
I turned my head around to see the expression on the girls face. I looked into the twins eyes and saw that they were scared shitless, but when I looked inside Beth’s eyes what I saw wasn’t fear. What I saw was sorrow and curiosity in her eyes. That is what pissed me off the most. I didn’t need her sympathy and I sure as hell wasn’t there to entertain her.
She turned towards the girls and said “I’ll be alright just leave me and go get him some cloths.” They both slowly turned walked away and disappeared around the corner. As she tried to get closer the farther I tried to get away from her.
“Why do you keep on backing away from me while keeping your distance”, she asked.
“Do you hate me?” She said as she asked while trying to look into my eyes. She still had those same feeling in her eyes just like from before. The look I saw in her eyes reminding me of those things my sister would do while she molested me or treated me as her slave. I despised that look.
“Leave me the fuck alone”, I screamed. “I don’t need your damn sympathy and I’m sure as hell not here for your fucking entertainment.” As I went to speak again this time I spoke softly. “I just want to see my father so I can go back into being in my cell.”
I turned my head around to see what was on her face this time. What I saw on her face this time was neither sympathy or curiosity. What I saw on her face was a mixture of sadness and caring. I had no idea what she was thinking so I turned around and started walking forward again.
Thank you for reading please come again for the second part.

I liked this overall.It's was very factual in a way because you explained everyone,who they were and what they did. I think that was an pretty good way to start even though you told a lot of information at once I think it was useful because there's now a general idea of who everyone is.Also you had a spelling mistake as well:

Vatten wrote:“I’m going to need you two to get him a change of cloths for him”,

It should be clothes instead.Other than that I enjoyed reading it. Usually I don't read things like this on YWS but something about yours in interesting I feel there's going to be a wide range of characters and of course a lot of action. I hope you continue writing because it interested me from beginning to end.

Hey Vatten! Hawk here for a review.

H'okay, so for starters, I think you've got an intriguing beginning, which is good. I already like the premise of a young assassin and the complications with that position.

Your storytelling method is very straightforward, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it's also nice to have fewer stated facts and a little more detail and descriptions shown to us. Have Christopher describe his surroundings by using his five senses (and don't do this all the time, in a list-like manner, but just insert it naturally). For example, you could have him say what the cell smells like and maybe how it makes his stomach feel sick. Perhaps he feels chilled, which only adds to the cold desolation of the cell and its guard. There could be a sound that repeats, like a hammer striking metal, or maybe there's no sound at all aside from the noise Christopher is making and it's driving him crazy. By insinuating these little details, you'll paint a better picture for the reader. That's where moviemakers have an easier time than authors; they can just show the setting and your brain will automatically process the scene; an author has to take the time out to describe it all so the reader can picture it.

Another thing I'd like to see is less info-dumping. When you start listing all of the characters and every little detail about them, like their birth dates, it feels less like some action novel and more like a history or biography about people we don't even know and definitely do not care for yet. All of the back history you give about Christopher's family is unnecessarily placed here. We don't need to know about his siblings when all we're watching right now is him being transferred from a cell. These are details you can reveal later on in the story, in a better spot, like perhaps when he's talking to Beth and opening up a bit to her or something. And then, don't laundry-list everything about them. Just give a few tidbits of info at a time. When you meet someone, you don't find out about their entire life story all at once. You get to know them eventually the more you talk with them and see them. Same goes for characters in a story; we're meeting them and we don't want to be inundated with too much information about a stranger.

The last thing I wanted to suggest was that you read this post about dialogue punctuation; as minor an issue as it may seem to worry about adding punctuation or capitalizing letters, it actually makes for a much easier post to read, and looks a lot cleaner.

All right, that's all I've got to say. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers!

Hi there!

This was a very good piece. I enjoyed reading it and couldn't stop! Your characters are great and you explained them exceptionally well. One problem I found within your descriptions, however is the fact that you described Clare as being 19 years old, yet she was born in 1992. If I have done my math correctly, that would mean it's the year 2011. But when you introduced the older brothers, you said John was 30 and he was born in 1971. And Jacob is 22, born in the year 1979. Based off of that information, I would say this story took place in the year 2001. You might want to clear that up.

One last thing I would like to add is that there are a lot of repeating words and bunch of words. I ignored them at first, but there were a lot of them. I think you should just re-read this chapter very carefully and try to fix the repeats.

I really did enjoy reading this chapter! PM me when the next part comes out? Keep writing!

Hi Vatten!

Overall

Overall, I enjoyed this very much. Learning that Chris (may I call him that? ) intrigued me, and it made some questions arise in my head, which is good for a beginning.

It's really obvious you've worked on your characters, but I think you've done a bit too much 'telling' and not enough showing. I'll go into a little more detail later.

The typos, punctuation and the really tedious bits

It was a dark and lonely place. I was inside a very damp cell and all I could see was the outline of my skin. My hands and feet were chained together. I was laying down on the floor when I saw red beady eyes look at me then scurry away. What I thought in my head was questions that I wanted answered like why am I alive? What am I?
I think you could improve that by changing it to something along the lines of: I thought of the questions that I wanted answered, like: Why am I alive? What am I? Of course, that's just my opinion

I was deep into my thoughts until suddenly the cell door opened and let in a streak of light. What stood at the door was a tall dark man muscular man who carried a large whip in one hand and one of many keys in the other. His name was John Hawke and He was my older half brother.
"What stood at the door was" is a little bit unnecessary as we know that there is someone at the door.It'd make sense to omit it all together.

“Hey boy father wants to see you”, he said while pushing the door open even further. My name is Christopher Hawke and I’m a born and raised killing machine. I’m a sixteen year old African American. I have two brothers and one sister and I am the bastard of the family. From what my family has told me my mother was a concubine to my father and her job was to pleasure him. My mother died when I was still at a young age.
I think that's too nice for John to say! Also, here, you're telling us a little bit too much. It's much more interesting if we're shown the information (when it's necessary too). How about something like "Christopher, you bastard, father wants to see you."

John Hawke is the oldest of my siblings. His age is thirty and His birthday 1971, November 1. My father put him in charge of torturing me. He is a master at multiple arts of torturing and during the past twelve years of my life he would torture me every me everyday until the day I was able to tune out all of it. While he would torture me. While he would torture me he would have a sick smile of joy on his face. He would chain me up and hit me and laugh until I blacked out. I have now adapted to his torture and I now don’t even flinch while being torture.

Personally, it'd be a little bit more interesting if we saw a torture scene, later on, so you're showing not telling But now I wonder why Chris is being tortured...

My second oldest sibling is Jacob Hawke. Born in August 21, 1979. His age is 22 years old. he was a master of several deadly martial arts .He is in charge of teaching me them to me and he was just as cruel as John. At first he would beat me senselessly. Just laughing as he kicked me across the room, but soon after twelve years of a beating. He was no longer able to touch me. I was able to swerve around him with ease while blending

The youngest one of my oldest siblings is Clare Hawke. Born July 11, 1992. Her age is nineteen. She is a master at deadly poisons and long ranged projectiles and she was in charge of me. Although she was the youngest she was also the cruelest. When she was teaching me she would show no emotions, but after she would treat me as her own personal toy. At night she would come into my cell and pleasure herself whatever way she thought was possible and until this day she still does.
The paragraphs above aren't necessary to the story at the moment. If we see Jacob and Clare, then you might want to tell us about them there.

I slowly stood up and gotten on to my feet. I was wearing a white t-shirt that I was wearing is covered in blood stains and filth. The t-shirt and jeans that I had on was torn felt like it was covered in multiple layers on grime. As I slowly walked over to the cell door, John grabbed the chain that was connecting both of my hands and feet and forcibly tugged me through the door.

When I came threw the door I went into a bright decorative hallway. The walls were painted a red through out the hallway. On the wall were portraits of many ancestors who belonged to the Hawke Organizationwhich one of the biggest assassination family’s in the world.

After sitting there and getting my eyes adjusted to the light. I looked down the hall. I saw three maids walking towards us. Two of them looked like twins. They both had red hair like the sun and bright multicolored eyes. The third made stood out the most. She looked like she could be a Greek goddess Aphrodite. Her hair was golden like the morning sun and her eyes reminded me of the deep blue ocean.
Nice description^

“Hey trash what are you staring at?” He said while look in the direction I was staring. By the time I turned my head to look at him. He had that wicked smile on his face that he usually had when he would torture me.
Again, I think he's being too nice and casual.

“Hey girls come over here”, he said while pulling on the chain as hard as he could and throwing me to the ground.

“I’m going to need you to clean this piece of shit and get him ready to see my father later on today. Be sure to scrub him real good. I don’t want him to stink when he see’s him. It’ll be all of your punishments if he does.” He said while walking down the hallway and disappearing around the corner. They stared at me as I tried to stand up again and only one of them tried to help me. I looked up and saw that it was the blonde haired girl.
If he's treating them like servants, maybe it's not such a good idea for him to be that nice at the beginning ("Hey girls, come over here")

“What are you doing Beth?” said one of the twins.

“What are you talking about Riana? I’m trying to help him up of course.” She said while reaching down to grab my arm.

“Don’t touch me”, I shouted as I swatted her hand away. I slowly got to my feet and started to walk towards the bathroom.

“Don‘t you know that boy is a monster?“ said the other twin. “He could murder a hundred people without feeling any sympathy for them. He has no emotions that is what all the house hold workers say about him.”

Beth stared at me with surprise in her eyes. Then she spoke “That is impossible. He looks like a normal boy my age.” That’s right I thought inside my head I’m a monster fear me like everyone else I know.

“I’m going to need you two to get him a change of cloths for him”, she said while not even turning her head to them. She was starring at me like I was a wild animal.

“But we can’t just leave you with him”, they both shouted. While starring wide eyed at me.

“I’ll be alright”, said Beth. “I don’t think he will do anything.”

I turned my head around to see the expression on the girls face. I looked into the twins eyes and saw that they were scared shitless, but when I looked inside Beth’s eyes what I saw wasn’t fear. What I saw was sorrow and curiosity in her eyes. That is what pissed me off the most. I didn’t need her sympathy and I sure as hell wasn’t there to entertain her.

She turned towards the girls and said, “I’ll be alright just leave me and go get him some clothes.” They both slowly turned walked away and disappeared around the corner. As she tried to get closer the farther I tried to get away from her.

“Why do you keep on backing away from me while keeping your distance?”, she asked.
I found that a little bit confusing :/

“Do you hate me?” She said as she asked while trying to look into my eyes. She still had those same feeling in her eyes just like from before. The look I saw in her eyes reminding me of those things my sister would do while she molested me or treated me as her slave. I despised that look.

“Leave me the fuck alone”, I screamed. “I don’t need your damn sympathy and I’m sure as hell not here for your fucking entertainment.” As I went to speak again this time I spoke softly. “I just want to see my father so I can go back to my cell.”

I turned my head around to see what was on her face this time. What I saw on her face this time was neither sympathy or curiosity. What I saw on her face was a mixture of sadness and caring. I had no idea what she was thinking so I turned around and started walking forward again. "I turned my head around to see what was on her face this time. What I saw on her face this time was neither sympathy or curiosity." What I saw on her face this time was repeated twice here. I think it'd be better to get rid of the second one as I feel the context the first was in helps develop Chris' character

Thank you for reading please come again for the second part. I will definitely come!

I hope I wasn't too harsh. Apologies if I was!
I think your story has a ton of potential. I can't wait to see more! Please PM me for when the next part's up.


Mac