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Mostly Human Chapter 1



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Tue Aug 09, 2011 1:40 pm
nutmegan595 says...



Chapter One: When you’re a vampire with insomnia what else is there to do but go for a joyride?
I leaned against the railing of the balcony when Fletcher came up. He put a hand on my shoulder and looked at me, but I didn’t catch his eye. He was probably wondering why I was up. I was wondering how he thought I could sleep.
“You should go back to sleep,” he told me, confirming my thoughts.
“Actually, I don’t sleep.” I meant it as a joke, but lately I hadn’t been sleeping. “Why are you awake, though? You don’t have an excuse, you’re seventeen.” Fletcher shrugged and jumped over the railing. I rolled my eyes at him as he landed on the stone veranda, but I jumped too. “Imagine how much fun you would have in New York City.”
“Too many cars,” he replied as if that was the only problem with jumping off skyscrapers. “The Eiffel Tower is much better. Come on, Anna. Let’s go do something else.” I shifted my gaze to the east side of the estate. Fletcher smiled and disappeared.

Fletcher leaned back in the passenger seat of the Audi Spyder as I shifted gears. I loved driving on the highways in Spain. We could go faster on the Autobahn, but the scenery was amazing near Valencia.
“Maybe you should slow down just a bit,” Fletcher said as the speedometer approached 90 miles-per-hour. He was gripping the door so tight his knuckles turned white.
“Fine,” I sighed as I eased off the gas. “If you are so uncomfortable, we could pull over and you could drive.”
“I think we’d better. Wouldn’t want you to break the car.” I scoffed. Fletcher knew there was no way I would get in an accident. While he may have better reflexes than me, mine were far above normal. “Where are you going?” I had taken a turn toward Valencia. It was the nearest major city and we typically went on trips there to hang out on the Spanish Riviera.
“I feel like swimming.”
“Turn around,” Fletcher said firmly. He put a hand on the bottom of the steering wheel and turned the car toward a different exit.
“Mean.”
* * * * * * * *

The food in front of me looked disgusting and unappetizing.
“You need to eat something,” Fletcher told me, sitting down across from me. I nodded and took a tiny bite of food. “I mean something that will actually fill your stomach.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You haven’t been hungry for weeks,” Charlotte added. She sat in the chair across from me at the breakfast table—even though we eat breakfast just after sunset.
“I don’t see you eating anything.”
“I don’t need to,” she replied and pointed at her glass of blood. Rachel glanced at the glass and pushed away her plate. She finger-combed her red hair and looked out the window behind me.
“I think we need to go somewhere,” Charlotte said suddenly. I glanced at Fletcher and hid a smile. “Let’s go to California!”
“You really think they’ll let us go to California?” Rachel, always practical, argued.
“Why don’t we just go to Valencia again?” Fletcher suggested. I gaped at him.
“Way to steal my idea!” I exclaimed while the girls exchanged confused looks. “I think we need to…acquire…a boat, though.”
“I am not stealing a boat that I’m going to have to sail. None of you ever help.”
“Well, sorry Fletcher. You are the one who refuses to teach us,” Charlotte replied sarcastically. “Wait a minute!” Charlotte exclaimed, a look of delight spreading over her face. “We get a party tonight!”
“You’re right,” I said, my mood brightening. Vampire classes—developing our abilities—wouldn’t be so bad today now that we had a party to look forward to. I sat on a black leather couch next to Fletcher in the study and we went through flickering images with María. María looked about fifty and kept her silver hair in a constant chignon. I think she lived in pantsuits.
“Cat, piano, car, train, yacht, another car, bat,” Charlotte said with a smug look on her face.
“What kind of cars?” María asked. Charlotte sighed and glanced around.
“Mercedes and Volkswagen,” I chimed in. María nodded and pressed the remote. More images flashed past on the plasma TV.
“Jet, motor boat, Ford truck…” The routine went on and on, training our senses and memory.
“Let’s go shopping!” Charlotte squealed when we finished.
“You girls go,” Fletcher said, “How many sport coats do I really need?” Charlotte didn’t wait for us to answer but instead pulled Rachel and me to the garage.
“You are not driving,” I said as Charlotte reached for the keys. She pouted but I slipped into the driver’s seat of the BMW convertible. “Nobody wants to relive what happened last time you drove.”
“It was only a little crash. Nobody was even hurt. I mean, except the tree, but it can’t feel anything anyways.” Rachel rolled her eyes at Char and got in the seat next to me. With the wind blowing in our faces and the music blaring on the radio Charlotte became her bubbly self again for the ride.
“It would have been faster if I flew,” Charlotte complained when we got to the mall after two hours. The hacienda isn’t exactly urban. I mean what would humans think if they saw a group of teenagers jump of the roof and basically turn into bats. That’s how the legends got started in the first place.

“Happy birthday, Char,” I whispered in Charlotte’s ear at the party later that night. She turned around and clinked glasses with me. I took a tiny sip from my glass while Charlotte drank half in one gulp.
“You already wished me happy birthday this evening.”
“So. This party isn’t just because we all need to hang out with hundred-year-old people once in a while.” Charlotte nodded and finished off her glass. She ran her fingers through her short hair and grabbed another glass off the table near us.
“Don’t remind me. People have been talking to me all night about the big things I can do. Why can’t we just keep doing this?” I looked at her and thought, because you’re sixteen now. Because nothing is going to stay the same. All of a sudden two hands covered my eyes.
“Rachel…?” I asked, but turned around to see a short, super-model thin blonde. “Ellie!” Elena was three years older than us and had already left the hacienda. Whenever she visited she acted like an older sister. Just as bossy and just as annoying.
“Hey! Happy birthday Charlotte!”
“Thanks Elena.”
“Let’s go downstairs,” Elena said. Charlotte grabbed my arm and Ellie looped hers through the other elbow. We passed other teenagers going downstairs and entering the billiards room. I snuck up behind Fletcher, who was sitting at the wet bar, and grabbed his glass. I tipped it back into my mouth and almost gagged.
“Ew! What is this?” I shrieked.
“It’s spiked with scotch,” Fletcher explained, raising his eyebrows.
“Gross. I just take my blood straight up.”
“I’ll have mine on the rocks!” Charlotte chimed in.
“Do I look like a bartender? Make it yourself,” Fletcher said and grabbed the bottle of scotch to refill his glass. It is physically impossible for a vampire to get drunk—we don’t absorb alcohol, it just passes through our system. Besides, blood can be intoxicating enough. “So Charlotte, what do you think of your party?”
“My party?” she asked. “Do I know half of these people?” There were almost a hundred people spread over the estate of the hacienda.
“At least now you’re a full-vampire. I still have another week. “Charlotte looked down when I finished speaking.
“And at least I’m done with that transformation,” she mumbled.
“Let’s dance,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. I saw Rachel across the room by the sound system and pulled Charlotte to join her. “You don’t look like you’re enjoying the party!” I shouted at Rachel over the booming music. Rachel shrugged.
“Ohmygosh! I love this song!” Ellie shouted as she joined us. I grabbed Charlotte’s and Rachel’s hands and we formed a circle, dancing in the moonlight.
* * * * * * * *

I ran my fingers over the leather spines of the books. Upstairs there was a library with first-editions and other valuable human books, but the basement held the vampire library. Texts documenting the first known vampires, journals of the early Spanish monarchs as they began their transformations, and huge scrolls charting the bloodlines of vampire families. I pulled out a book titled Age of Human Exploration and Vampire Retreat and opened to the first page.
At a time when the world was small, vampires controlled their portion of it. The current Reyes family was the Aragonese monarchs of Spain. They expanded and conquered to gain new sources of blood. When the Reconquista began, vampires retreated into the shadows. The Age of Exploration had no value to our kind. We continued to manipulate events in our favor. Most of the time human existence was repetitive and not worth participating in. When I first came to the hacienda, I would walk the grounds during the day or go upstairs and back down. It was a few weeks ago that I discovered that this library was different than the one upstairs. I started reading during the day; learning about the history and reality of vampires.
“Anna?” Fletcher called from the staircase. I closed the book and put it back on the shelf.
“Yeah,” I said and appeared beside him on the stairs. “Let’s go driving again.” Fletcher glanced between my face and the bookcases, but finally shrugged and followed me back upstairs.
Last edited by nutmegan595 on Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:20 pm
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MasterGrieves says...



First off, I personally found the name of your chapter too long. Usually chapter names are meant to be short and snappy, whereas your one is a bit too long. You have a great story idea, and it has potential which I have to say is off the charts. You have a really strong idea, that keeps throughout the words and structure throughout. I think that Fletcher is the most interesting character so far, can't wait to see him be developed some more in part two. What I also loved is that it seems like a more realistic outlook on vampires, which has way more character and distinction to other supernatural stories on this forum, in particular vampire related stories. If you are seriously considering a novel, I would recommend you reading some Stephen King novels. It seems very Stephen King your first chapter, so I would suggest trying to read some of his stuff, to see how he structures his novels. It is a great first chapter of something that greatly hooks me. But it has the potential to be something amazing.
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Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:33 pm
azntwinz2 says...



Hey, just came back for the first chapter, lol!
Also, the only mistake I noticed was that you spell Anna and Ana. Make sure to go back to that typo.
This was great, I liked the scenery you describe in the beginning. Maybe though, add a few descriptions in the bottom about those locations because some people might not know that the Autobahn is actually in Germany etc.
That was about it, good job!
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Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:31 pm
Searria H. says...



Hi, Nutmegan!
I like this fresh take on vampires. Normally, when I read a vampire/werewolf story, I think "Oh, great. Another one." But not today. :D I thank you for not making this melodramatic or romantic. I found it to have a more fun feel about the characters.

Speaking of characters, you bombard your reader with so many characters at once with no background, no description. It makes it sort of hard to read because a character will start speaking, and I as a reader have to go back and figure out who there are and when they came into the story. It gets really confusing when new people just start popping up like daisies. ;) Sneak us information about them such as their appearance or relationship with the MC.

While I loved the chapter title because it made me laugh, I agree that it was a little startling to see such a long title. However, in her book, Water Rat, Marnie Laird takes one sentence from the chapter and uses it as the title. It was fun to look for the sentence as you read the chapter. Anyway, the point in all that rambling was that you can do whatever you want. ;)

Okay, on to nitpicks:
“You should go back to sleep,” he told me, answering the question I hadn’t asked.

I don't see what question he could be answering.
I had taken a turn toward Valencia.
“I feel like swimming.”
“Turn around,” Fletcher said firmly.

I'm confused about the significance of Valencia. You mention it a couple of times.
“I don’t need to,” she replied and pointed at her glass. Rachel glanced at the glass and pushed away her plate.

Was there blood in the glass?
“I think we need to…acquire…a boat, though.”

I would take out the ellipses. I don't think they contribute as much to the dialogue as they should.
Going to class in the study wasn’t as bad now that we had a party to look forward to in a few hours.

This whole section about class really confused me. Elaborate a little to let your reader know what's happening.
“So? This party isn’t just because we all need to listen to Mozart once in a while.”

Are they listening to Mozart? I don't quite understand.

“At least now you’re a full-vampire. I still have another week. “Charlotte looked down when I finished speaking.

Innocent typo, but the closing quotation mark is in the wrong spot. :)
“A hundred vampires in one place and we’re the only two normal people here? Yeah, I’m having the time of my life.”
“We don’t have blood,” I said.

Okay, now I'm confused. Are they not vampires?
At a time when the world was small, vampires controlled their portion of it. The current Reyes family was the Aragonese monarchs of Spain. They expanded and conquered to gain new sources of blood. When the Reconquista began, vampires retreated into the shadows. The Age of Exploration had no value to our kind. We continued to manipulate events in our favor. Most of the time human existence was repetitive and not worth participating in.

This is a minor suggestion, but if you want to present this background as if it was what she was reading in the book, you can put it in italics and write it like an encyclopedia. :)
General Critiques:
:arrow: As I mentioned before, I would like to see you add in some more description and elaborate a little more to ease the reader into your world. In fantasy, it is very important to bring your reader into your world without them feeling like a foreigner.
:arrow: When you write out Anna's thoughts, they should be in italics. Ex:
I looked at her and thought, because you’re sixteen now. Because nothing is going to stay the same.

:arrow: You tend to like to insert narration between pieces of dialogue, which is fabulous because it breaks up the monotony of long quotations. But sometimes, it confuses me as to who is talking. When you talk about a different character between quotations, I assume that they pick up the conversation when it's really the same speaker. I hope this babbling is making sense. :)

Overall, I love your characters. They work well together, and I can't wait to see how you develop them. I also like your new take on vampires, and I'm interested to discover more about them. :D As always, you can always contact me if you have a question about this review or if you just want to discuss it. I hope I helped. Good job, and happy writing!
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Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:37 pm
W0lfbane says...



What would you prefer? Insomniac Joyriding Vampires? Or Bloodthirsty Joyriding Maniacs? XD

I like how it begins however, I feel like it's kinda unclear of where they are... one minute they are jumping off skyscrapers the next they are...on the ground? In a car where? Is there like a bridge and a tunnel these guys are going into... I just feel like there could be a better description of where they are standing otherwise it would end up being like...

And so George Bush walked into the toilets giving his speech to thousands of spectators! :P
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Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:51 pm
katngo73 says...



I agree, the name of the chapter is way too long, but I absolutely LOVE the story. I've never read anything about vampires before, but I bet this might be my first AND favorite story in the whole history of vampires.

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU ENJOY YWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:44 am
neonwriter says...



This was a very compeling and i loved it!! the modern twist in there gave it an amazing plot and the characters were very vivid in my mind! cant wait to read the next chapter
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Sat Aug 13, 2011 3:38 am
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey, I haven’t reviewed anything new in a while so I’m gonna give this a shot ^_^

First of all, I love vampire stories. Even though there are a bajillion vampire stories out there, there are also a bajillion interpretations of the vampire, so it makes it interesting for me. Personally, I like vampires that are more on the beast side, with a bit more ’grr!’ in them.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out what kind of vampires you have here x) I can tell that they are pretty human from what I can see, no weirdness in their personalities. No strong urges to bite people’s necks. I doubt things like crosses and holy water will hurt them. From what I can see, these are vampires without flaws, who can stay up and drink all night, jump off buildings, morph into bats, possess amazing reflexes, and generally have more fun that even normal humans. It seems like there’s some place in Spain that educates vampires specifically, though I don’t understand why they would need special training. Are they even being forced to attend? If I was a vampire teen, I sure as heck wouldn’t go to school unless it was worth it.

So to me, this story seems uninteresting. If it’s just a bunch of vampires going around having fun and enjoying life, what’s the point? Yeah, vampires are cool, but I’m not seeing any kind of plot. Yet. I will be reading on in this, though.

There was a lot of this that made no sense to me. It felt kind of disconnected. Like, in the first scene we have Anne and Fletcher who just look bored, so they are jumping off buildings and decide to go for a joyride. Suddenly, we are at a café, and there are two new characters who we haven’t even met before sitting right there. When did they get there? I’m lost. Then they are at school, getting shown flashcards of objects it seems. Next, a party. Then, it is just Anna and Fletcher alone at some library. There are no transitions anywhere, and it gets frustrating to try and follow along. Eventually I just gave up trying to find a connection between the scenes and just went with it.

So overall, I think this needs work, but it’s interesting enough to pull me in for another few chapters.

I hope this review wasn’t too harsh! If you have questions about anything, feel free to PM me!
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Sat Aug 13, 2011 11:43 am
irsyad23 says...



your story is great!
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:03 am
RenGrey says...



I love fresh take on vampires. It was humorous and I over how it wasn't too glamoured. I would lokke to read this if it was an entire book. The characters seem believable too. Keep up the good work my friend. It was a fun read
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Thu Oct 13, 2011 7:12 am
UNIversial666 says...



it's good, but i was a little confused about who was speaking and what the setting was. i myself am more of a werewolf person, but i know a good vampire story when i see one and this has the makings to be a good one
  





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Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:56 am
PoetMan111 says...



Greetings fellow... I'd say human, but I'm never sure with Meg.

Hmm... good start for a story. Some parts were a bit confusing or off, but all in all, you have enough here to keep readers wanting a second chapter (which you so readily supplied them with)

Little confused with the setting in that first section there. Not to mention, you go from "Fletcher smiled and disappeared." to "Fletcher leaned back in the passenger seat..." Two problems there. The first, you should try to have to least amount of repetition possible (Fletcher's name is mentioned twice. Give a few sentences between the names, even if with transitions. The second, there is no indication that the scene has actually changed, so to say that caught me off guard- and not in the way I like being caught off guard.

"She sat in the chair across from me at the breakfast table—even though we eat breakfast just after sunset. "
And 'even though' statement is meant to amend or contradict a statement. The shortest version of this statement would be. "She sat across from me." Breakfast table inandofitself is not. You could say "We call it that, even though..." But as it is, the sentence is weird.

We've had absolutely no indication that they're vampires yet. There's a random glass of blood. You have to assume your readers haven't read the title or a book description or anything, and not drop a cannibalism bomb without explaining it.

I'm just... really confused about Fletcher's view on Valencia right now. He had a sort of silent but known distaste for it, and now he's suggesting they go there...

María is literally the only character I have a physical description of, and I have no idea why she is the only one who gets one.
Also, if María is their tutor, classes isn't exactly the right term. I'm not sure, but I think lessons are more the word when it comes to smaller groups. Depending, of course, on the class size, which sounds like 4, unless I'm counting wrong. Which would probably be tutor, by the way.

When using nicknames, you should introduce it very early on in the character introduction, or in their interaction. We have two references to 'Char' but other than that, it's always Charlotte. Either make 'Char' used more, or cut it out entirely.

I personally believe that if you call The Hacienda by it's spanish name, make the article spanish as well.

"Charlotte grabbed my arm and Ellie looped hers through the other elbow." I think you should just cut the 'elbow' out of that sentence. But tha's my o-pin-ion.

So... why was he drinking if he doesn't absorb alcohol...?

When a character is reading text, you should change the font or italicise. Since I think you can't change font on YWS, that means italics. It's to let the reader know they're reading.... *dramatic voice* A STORY WITHIN A STORY!

All in all, I is intrigued, so that's always a good thing. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. One thing though. As I mentioned, this is a good start. However, you have a perfect chance to develop the characters a little bit more without everyone just being a party loving vamp. Try, when your writing, to add about one page of character development every time you finish that chapter. Just go through and do SILTO & CISM. Yup.

*reads a few comments* Oh, I get it. People think that Twilight is original or something. No. See, the problem I have with vamps isn't that there are too many gothic romances going about. It's that there are too many vampires going about. From their debut in media, they have increased in number like a malicious horde of Zed. Anywho, off the vamp complainyness.

Is Valencia like Pemberly in P&P? It seems a bit like it.

And that concludes my commentingness. *bows* adieu *flies off*
  








Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
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