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Tales of a Halfdemon: Demon Hero



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Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:21 pm
Kaibusu says...



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Chapter 1
There was danger behind me; I could sense its presence. But I couldn’t evade it, there was no time. The tip of a blade pierced the front of my chest from far behind, blood...most likely my blood running casually along the edge. A gruff serious voice more to my right whispered hoarsely “Akuma Ookami, you are under arrest!” Unfazed, I answered “So you stab me?” I still hadn’t seen what my attacker looked like, but his damn sword was still stick in my body. “Don’t worry, now there’s something in your blood that’ll make you fall asleep soon enough” Just as he said that I started feeling unbelievably drowsy. “You...little...ff...u...” I managed to speak a little weakly just before blacking out, falling flat on my face but not feeling anything since I was unconscious before my nose so much as scathed the rough ground. My name, as was said by my...well lets not say that word, I’ll just say by my enemy earlier. Anyways, I’m Akuma Ookami which in Japanese means “wolf demon”. I guess that name was given to me by my father who when he figured out what I was after I was born, he left me in a state of wild fear. My mother had died in child birth, so I never actually knew either of my parents. It was like me being born caused our family to fall apart. All because I was born with wolf ears and a tail...the result of this demon being inside of me. A parasite off of a not even born baby yet. My dad left me in the hospital where at first nobody noticed he head left. Then, when it was noticed there was an argument as to what to do with me. One side of the argument happily stated that they should just get rid of me while the opposition disgustedly defended me, saying they should give me out to the orphanage. The sour bunch of them that wanted me gone for good apparently thought it was a bad idea since I was only a newborn. But there was an exception that they made arguing that I was “still human” and deserved as good of a chance as anyone else. Little did they know I’d be considered a murderer in the near future. Anyways, I was taken in by the orphanage where the adults that took care of me seemed to like me but I knew that they were secretly afraid of me. The other kids bullied me as we got older just because I was different from everybody else on the inside and out. When I was younger I remembered crying and wishing my parents were back, or at least that my unkind dad would come back for me. But that just added more fuel to the other orphans’ fire of taunts. Later on I felt that I had gained enough courage so I ran away from that awful place and made home in the wilderness. I managed to get by in my small birth town by becoming a thief. Surely and steadily I grew into a young scrawny teenager. In my first year of the new teenage years I snuck into the wealthiest person’s of the town’s house just hoping to find something good or of use to me. That I did. Right on proud display through a glass case sat a gleaming silver sword holding engravings on its side. Words which I couldn’t read. Sticking close to the greedy shadows at the never-ending night, I crept closer to the displayed weapon. Taking a deep breath just in case there was a trap, my heart pounding at a bit higher pace than average I lifted up the rectangular prison of the blade. Nothing happened, everything was as quiet as is should have been, no tripped alarms, nothing. Crickets still chirped happily, no abnormal sounds hit my unpleasantly furry ears so I slowly moved my hand to grab the comfortable hilt. The blade felt so unbalanced in my hand that I almost dropped it. It had a black strap hanging from the ends of the hilt. The hilt sat separate from the sword, its polished black covering blending in with the dark night. After I held both the sword and hilt in either of my rough hands and alarm went off. My heart violently throbbed as I raced for the front door. A big blockade door quickly thrust down to stop me in front of my only escape. It was a good thing I was young and quick, I somehow slid under the blockade even though it almost lopped off my hand. Glaring at the sword and its counterpart I muttered “Well then….I hope you’re worth it” That’s how I got my trusty well…most of the time sword anyways. The reason I’m wanted…well I’m a thief and thieves are criminals. So anyways, enough talk about my destructive dark past, I’m just getting you up to date on why I was knocked out.
My vision was blurry when I woke up again. Honestly, I had no idea where I was…no idea where I should be even. For the first time I was stuck between the world and big black bars which I couldn’t even count. I stumbled and hit my head against the damp wall. Obviously the damn drugs that were in me still haven’t worn off. It’s a wonder that the samurai was so prepared against me. “What is this?!” I screeched, banging my dirty hands up against the cold bars. “Hey, shut up over there! There are people trying to sleep here!” another voice echoed into the cell I lay slumped in. “H-Hey! Where are we?!” I yelled back to the unknown person. “You mean you don’t know?” they replied after a slight pause. Almost all I could see was darkness. “No, really I don’t…how about giving me some information here?” I urged the guy to speak again. “We’re in jail and you’re in a jail cell…that’s what happens when you get in trouble with the law, kid. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to get a fair trial” “Trial? Trial for what?” “The trial that would determine whether you live or die basically” “Seriously? Well then I need to get out of here…” “I doubt you’ll find a way out. Nobody else has” “Damn” I slumped against the far corner of the wall. It took a while for me to figure out that I still had my stolen sword strapped to my back. Not long after that I filed some plans into my mind. I didn’t notice that I soon fell asleep until I was awoken by the yelling of two guards and my cell door creaking open. “Hey kid!” Secretly I shifted the sword handle in a reliable enough grip between my fingers. My mind was filled with…darkness. ‘You need my help to become a murder. You’re too….weak’ for the first time in months the demon inside of me clawed its way viciously into my mind. Its intentions were unknown, maybe it even seeked to help me out of this prison since it would die if I did. Really though, I’d never get used to it controlling me especially since the after affects felt like a hangover even though I had never took a sip of alcohol ever since I lived. Secretly I thanked the dangerous wolf for coming to my rescue instead of simply causing unbearable agony like it usually has. It was kind of good to know I wasn’t in this along, in a way. But I actually doubted we would make it out of there alive. It was dark and there wasn’t much hope confined in my negative mind. Yet I watched; now through the demon’s eyes…this was going to be interesting. Already, I knew the form had changed since I observed the panic and curiosity in the guard’s eyes. It was hard to tell though since it was so dark and mysterious in the barricade we stood in. When the demon takes control, my hair grows, my fingernails abnormally sharpen, my eyes change into completely blood red stained pupils with black covering the outer rims, and my teeth grow as sharp as knives. “What is he?!” the guard standing further back shouted, attempting to retreat. But the demon wouldn’t let him; it lurched mercilessly forward slamming him forcefully to the cold ground. He screamed, struggling to get away from the monster holding him down, but it was useless. Before the guard could so much as blink one more time, the demon lopped off his head with my own sword effortlessly. His companion gave a startled shout behind it. Silently I observed as the demon spun around the sword not far behind and decapitated the second guard in a row. Blood splattered in many different directions staining the dark floor and walls. Other prisoners yelled out, unsure of what was going on piercing the demons sharp ears but it paid no heed to their baritone voices. Many hands attempted to grab its arms but once they saw what it was they backed off fearfully, allowing it to walk by quietly ignoring them. When it came to the prison entrance, a guard saw him and said “hey…” But it grabbed around his neck and banged him up against the wall growling for no reason. The only sound that came from him were quick choking noises. Finally he stopped moving and became harshly limp. The demon relaxed and let the body fall like a rag doll to the ground. The demon smirked with some satisfaction and hesitantly dropped its control of my body. My body gradually changed its from back to its original human form. Taking a deep breath and looking around I felt exhausted, “What the hell? Why do I feel so…dizzy?” I thought drowsily. I stumbled out of the prison feeling fainter with each small step I took. After I found a safe spot to crash in an empty alleyway I thought “what a nuisance, that being arrested and whatnot took a whole day of my time. Time that I could be searching for people like me.” The next morning I woke up looking dirty with ragged clothes but feeling actually quite refreshed. Late I decided to search for some money, possibly even steal some before continuing on to the next town. I entrusted myself to find an unseen area to scout from. Of course I knew an obvious place to do that was on the rooftops. I took the initiative to find a pipe coiling off the side of a house and gradually make my way up to it. Finally I viewed the ground from a slight bird eyes view, searching diligently for a person carrying some sort of coin. My demonic red eyes searched the thin roads casually watching the busiest parts of the historic town. Watching people just walk down the street was naturally boring. Of course, my demon instincts crave for action, yet I waited patiently watching the streets for someone that looked rich. Finally an old man came into view that caught my eyes forcefully. He looked old and wrinkly…disgusting if you ask me. The guy could barely even walk down the street without stumbling every few seconds, he was just so annoying to me. Guess that makes me a bully, but oh well. Maybe it was his long white beard that got in his foots way, but that hadn’t made me even the least interested in him. It was the bag hanging by his waist that bore down some weight that made me lean over the edge of the roof curiously. I couldn’t be sure that it was actually coins in the light brown tied bag swinging heavily from his belt, but I have already decided money or not, it was mine. Quickly I rolled off of the stooping roof, hurrying to keep up with the slow man…stalking my prey. At least I wasn’t following to kill, I don’t kill…those two headless guards are a completely different story. But come on, it shouldn’t count. I mean, it wasn’t even technically ME…but does what’s inside of me make ME a murderer? Really, I’ve only thought of myself as a friendless thief. Ah, yes the thief that stole three men’s lives helplessly away from them. I kept behind the hobbling aged human keeping my distance. Not finding a better way to do it, I decided to climb another roof and jump off on the other side, rushing in the opposite direction from before. Running I’m not really used to, I huffed and puffed heavily. “All of this for a bag of money…and it may not even be money!” I thought, pacing myself. Finally I spotted my target walking my way. That’s when I slowed to a trot, acting as if I were going to just pass the man busily. Instead at the last second I bumped into him head on. “Hey!! Watch where you’re going kid!” he croaked loudly at me when I bumped into his shoulder. “I’m sorry sir, I wasn’t paying attention…good day to you” I replied kindly with an awkward bow, my ears flopping down. “You look like a messy arrogant boy, but I’m pleased to see you’re more of gentlemen than most kids…” the old guy nodded his head moving on. Happily after his back was turned I tossed the stolen pouch and caught it grinning. “It was all worth while after all” Suspiciously I untied the only defense the bag had to reveal its insides and slowly brought myself to view its “borrowed” contents. Just as I had suspected, it was full of gold coins! Ok, to be honest I didn’t necessarily expect them to be GOLD coins, maybe bronze. But in any case, I had just stolen a fortune! This was the time to celebrate…but how? I was in a good mood, so I turned to a blond man walking by asking “Excuse me, but do you know a good place to celebrate?” “Yes sir, a place I like to go is the Sabe Sake, it’s just down that street to the left” he pointed toward the west. “Alright, thank you sir” I smiled genuinely “Hey…aren’t you wanted for an arrest or something?” “Um, I assume you’ve mistaken me for somebody else” “No, I know I haven’t. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything you seem harmless enough” “Ah, thank you Mr…But remember, nothing is ever what it seems” I winked a red eye at him and spun around, heading towards the direction in which he suggested. “Looks like luck is on my side today” I grinned in a good mood because of my own fortune for once. But, as I passed by a vendor I swiftly swiped a small dark hat from the rack. ‘Not taking any chances if one guy could recognize me so easily…but it isn’t hard for anybody to recognize a man with wolf ears and a tail’ I thought. Well, right now I have the right to say that having a tail hidden in your ragged pants is not even close to being comfortable…not even in the slightest. My ears didn’t necessarily sit in the hat, but the straw hat still hid them casually since it was long enough in width. It was a bit difficult finding the Sabe Sake, but my sharp eyes caught it all the same. As I opened the door a bell ran, warning the people that worked there that the devious demon has arrived. The place looked ok enough. There were a few large tables with average wooden stools gathered around them, but the thing that caught my eye was the winding counter that never seemed to end, also with stools sitting smug behind it. The Sabe Sake wasn’t the least busy, but I kept my head down even with the hat concealing my face. All it takes is one person to recognize you and you’re on the run again. I seated myself at a corner seat behind the counter. “Hello sir, how may I help you today?” A tall teenage boy stood behind the counter wearing a brown ponytail, his small wide eyes trying to get a glimpse of my face from behind a pair of thin glasses. Attempting to make my voice deeper I whispered “Yes, what’s the best item here to drink?” The young waiter replied with a shrill high-pitched voice “Ah that would be the Sake, sir.” “Thank you young man, I will have some of the Sake then please” I ordered from him even though he was probably about the same age as me. The hardworking kid sent me one Sake, so I threw him a gold coin. “Sir? The Sake here cost only one silver coin each” the boy explained, holding up the gold coin I handed to him, admiring it. “Ah, then I shall take two if I may” “Yes sir, of course sir” was all he said, sliding me another cup filled with liquid. The stench was recognizable for me from a while away. It smelled rather bitted, but I decided to curiously take a sip all the same. Curiosity killed the cat I guess they say, it’s a good thing I’m more of a wolf then. The Sake tasted dry and a bit bitter, but it gradually lightened my spirits even more. That man was definitely right, this was a great way to celebrate no matter what the occasion. “It’s usually not this…lonely in here is it?” I asked the boy curious about their business. “Ah, no. The usual Samurai will mostly likely walk in within the hour” “Good to know” I muttered from the contents of the small cup I held. Of course since he was familiar with the daily routine, he was right. The small bell above the door tingled when a group consisting of four samurai walked in deep in conversation. It almost seemed as if the bell was a warning for me to get out of there, maybe even a death bell. But I was safe, I mean my face, ears, and even tail were all concealed uncomfortably within the confines of my hate and clothes. Just as they sat down in a row to my left I was finishing up my second drink. “Get us the usual alcohol” A skinny white-robed samurai spoke. Alcohol…was that what Sake was? Still uncaring, I tossed another coin to the waiter shouting out “Two more, young sir!” “Of course” the waiter agreed to all of us nodding to the samurai and then me in turn. Then in no time at all he slung out all the drinks. The samurai were still talking in normal voice, unaware of my listening ears. “What’ll we do about the murder of the prison guards?” the shortest seemed afraid. “Don’t know…we know what the killer looks like though, so I guess we have a good chance as any of finding him and taking him back to where he belongs” “I hope so. A killer like that…beheading people should be caught quickly” By that time I had already emptied two more cups of Sake. Ah, yes underage drinking felt great. My mouth started hanging open dumbly, drool climbing towards the counter. “Well I say, I say let that guy kill, let him…let him have his fun” I countered into their conversation suddenly, my mind blank, without reason. “And what’re you, the supporter of criminals?” the guy next to me turned to face me, an infuriated look on his pudgy face. “No, you samurai…you samurai just don’t know what you’re doing” I stumble upon my words as if something were wrong with me, wait a second…something WAS wrong! “Are you trying to pick a fight here?!” another yelled angrily at me. “A fight? You samurai certainly can’t… can’t fight” I replied. The samurai sitting next to me stood up furiously, while the other three wordlessly followed his lead. Before I knew what happened my face thudded against the counter painfully. The left cheek of my face stung but the right side of my face hurt from hitting the counter so hard. My demon clawed at my mind ‘Let me kill them all’ but the alcohol confused it, weakening its control. I attempted to move both my arms at the same time, yet only my right arm moved “the hell?” I gaped, figuring out that the left side of my body was in the figure of the demon. ‘What’d you do?!’ It screeched in my mind helplessly. ‘I could ask you the same!’ I growled back. ‘Look, we’ll have to work together…perfectly, if we want of get out of here alive’ I muttered to it with regret. ‘Teamwork huh? You’re the one to talk, you loner’ It scoffed. ‘And you aren’t? Look, when I move my left leg you move yours. I’ll have my sword in my hand since you have your claws. Since you can read my thoughts just go with what I plan, stop when I stop. It’ll make it easier on the both of us’ However, It didn’t reply so I exposed my blade clinging it hopefully in my hand. Seeing my weapon, all the samurai unsheathed theirs. My hat hung low over my head keeping my face completely dark, in a way making me look sort of evil. Yet they all had a glint of fear in their eyes already seeing the demon’s arm. “No fighting in the bar, no fighting!” the waiter shouted, the high pitched scar of fear overturning his voice. Trying to keep safe, he held a beer bottle helplessly in front of him. A clawed hand ripped my sword from my tough grip and accurately threw it into the kid’s neck. You could hear the sickening thud of the sword hitting the wooden wall and after that there was nothing but the crash of the beer bottle he once held to the ground and the shrill cries of the samurai in front of me. ‘You dumbass! What the hell are you doing?!’ ‘Leaving no witnesses’ It grinned as if it’d done something to be proud of. As we shuffled to retrieve the weapon deep in the poor dead boy’s neck a couple swords swung towards us. At that moment I honestly thought we were about to die yet the demon’s claws somehow blocked their swords effortlessly. Yes, that was how sharp its claws were, frighteningly sharp. The destructive demon cackled menacingly swiping back at them. Ignoring cries of pain from my enemies, I tugged my sword back out of the bloodied neck of the kid my age to be aged no more. Sullenly, I almost felt sorrow fro the boy my dark heart actually almost giving in to incompatible grievance, but I swiftly shook off the feeling thinking ‘I can grieve for the loss of innocent lives later…right now it’s life or death’ The demons strong arm lashed out at the hated officials, throwing them in all different directions. ‘Jump now!’ It told me, and I obeyed helping it leap over to a samurai against the wall. Viciously it gouged its claws into his skin slowly prying the man’s skin apart from his muscle and bone while he struggled and screamed. “Hey!” A samurai shouted behind us. Blindly I struck out where his voice seemed to appear from, and then the hard thudding sound was heard. ‘Ah, you’re learning! Very good!’ The wolf giggled corruptly. ‘What’re you talking about?’’You cut off that man’s head. Very good, VERY good’ ‘No! I-I didn’t mean to…’ ‘It’s already done…’ By this time the skin showing from the samurai was all cut off and It checked his pulse. Nothing. We moved on to the sullen samurai that crashed into a table, making its weight give out. My dark side clawed mimicking its movements with the samurai before. But knowing the pain he’d be in I stabbed into his hear with pity, wanting to end his misery. Four people dead as if I were a butcher slaughtering squealing pigs. “No!!” The last living human…the youngest in the Sabe Sake rushed at us tears falling like it was raining off his blemished face. He kicked us in the back before we could turn. We stumbled forward, hitting out heads on a pole. ‘…Fear powers strength. Hurry, kill him Akuma!’ Finally, we managed to get up and turn just in time to block his thrusting sword. “Who…what are you?” The younger samurai questioned as I pushed him back. “I-I am just a lonely boy with a monster taking control of my life” I answered, glaring at him sadly from under my hat. “I’m going to kill you!” the samurai growled desperately slicing wildly at me. Of course I parried without trouble, I almost hate to say it but I’m more experience than most samurai and it doesn’t help them when they lose their mind fighting. His blade flew from his grip clattering unconsciously to the floor. “N-no” he stuttered, falling to his knees in fright. “Sorry kid…” I spoke; my sword glinted in the little light still held in the room. Yet, I hesitated…he looked younger than me. Dying like this would definitely not be honorable, and I wasn’t a murderer…was I? Before I could put my sword down, the wolves claws closed together stabbing into the boy’s ribcage. The look on that boy’s face when he fell would be unforgettable. “What the hell?!” I screamed at what looked like nobody, but the demon was there. ‘Had to be done. Like I said, no witnesses’ my weapon hung weakly at my side before I sheathed it again. “…Let’s just get out of here” was all I whispered, struck by the gory scene in the room. It took a couple minutes to get the hang of walking when the wolf had control of half my body. The way we walked in unison made it look as if I had a short limp. We stumbled over a few stools just attempting to exit the horrid blood covered building but finally we made it out and took a right. The demon cackled as we continued swaying and limping down the empty street “We accomplished a lot today…brother” “Don’t bother trying to confuse me hellhound, demons don’t have brothers” “Ah, there’s where you’re wrong. We do…but we aren’t like brothers because we demons don’t care for family.” “Hell, I’ll admit…you’re the only family I’ve got” I murmured, barely wanting to admit it to the devastating demon. Then the demon’s leg halted where I tried to keep walking. My leg collapsed to the ground. “Ow…Hey, what’s the big idea?!” I yelled up at its wide dark red eyes. Then, I felt it…like a thing or person were piercing me with its gaze, very nearly paralyzing me. “The hell?” I gripped the handle of my blade behind my back and helped the demon turn us around. The dark streets only lit up by the gleaming tiny stars blinking in the sky were empty and quiet. I looked up at the dimly lit bridge where I instantly knew that’s where the presence came from. Good thing the bridge was in the further distance otherwise I might have to investigate but I was too weak and tired to think much of it so I stumbled to turn my half controlled body around again and moved on…
  





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Wed Aug 10, 2011 11:04 am
IcyFlame says...



I like the way you've posted a drawing onto this piece but if you really wanted a lot of comments, perhaps it'd be a good idea to post it in the Art & Photography section; you'd get a lot of helpful comments on it :)
As for me, I'm a writer and art eludes me. So, if you don't mind I'll just focus on the words in this piece.
The first thing I notice about your piece is your lack of paragraphs. This makes it unnapealing to read and very complex. I'll try and breask the first one up for you to show you how it could look.

Kaibusu wrote:There was danger behind me; I could sense its presence. But I couldn’t evade it, there was no time. The tip of a blade pierced the front of my chest from far behind, blood...most likely my blood running casually along the edge.

A gruff serious voice more to my right whispered hoarsely “Akuma Ookami, you are under arrest!”

Unfazed, I answered “So you stab me?” I still hadn’t seen what my attacker looked like, but his damn sword was still stick in my body.

“Don’t worry, now there’s something in your blood that’ll make you fall asleep soon enough” Just as he said that I started feeling unbelievably drowsy.

“You...little...ff...u...” I managed to speak a little weakly just before blacking out, falling flat on my face but not feeling anything since I was unconscious before my nose so much as scathed the rough ground. My name, as was said by my...well lets not say that word, I’ll just say by my enemy earlier.

Anyways, I’m Akuma Ookami which in Japanese means “wolf demon”. I guess that name was given to me by my father who when he figured out what I was after I was born, he left me in a state of wild fear. My mother had died in child birth, so I never actually knew either of my parents. It was like me being born caused our family to fall apart. All because I was born with wolf ears and a tail...the result of this demon being inside of me. A parasite off of a not even born baby yet.

My dad left me in the hospital where at first nobody noticed he head left. Then, when it was noticed there was an argument as to what to do with me. One side of the argument happily stated that they should just get rid of me while the opposition disgustedly defended me, saying they should give me out to the orphanage. The sour bunch of them that wanted me gone for good apparently thought it was a bad idea since I was only a newborn. But there was an exception that they made arguing that I was “still human” and deserved as good of a chance as anyone else. Little did they know I’d be considered a murderer in the near future.

Anyways, I was taken in by the orphanage where the adults that took care of me seemed to like me but I knew that they were secretly afraid of me. The other kids bullied me as we got older just because I was different from everybody else on the inside and out. When I was younger I remembered crying and wishing my parents were back, or at least that my unkind dad would come back for me. But that just added more fuel to the other orphans’ fire of taunts. Later on I felt that I had gained enough courage so I ran away from that awful place and made home in the wilderness. I managed to get by in my small birth town by becoming a thief.

Surely and steadily I grew into a young scrawny teenager. In my first year of the new teenage years I snuck into the wealthiest person’s of the town’s house just hoping to find something good or of use to me. That I did. Right on proud display through a glass case sat a gleaming silver sword holding engravings on its side. Words which I couldn’t read. Sticking close to the greedy shadows at the never-ending night, I crept closer to the displayed weapon. Taking a deep breath just in case there was a trap, my heart pounding at a bit higher pace than average I lifted up the rectangular prison of the blade.

Nothing happened, everything was as quiet as is should have been, no tripped alarms, nothing. Crickets still chirped happily, no abnormal sounds hit my unpleasantly furry ears so I slowly moved my hand to grab the comfortable hilt. The blade felt so unbalanced in my hand that I almost dropped it. It had a black strap hanging from the ends of the hilt. The hilt sat separate from the sword, its polished black covering blending in with the dark night. After I held both the sword and hilt in either of my rough hands and alarm went off. My heart violently throbbed as I raced for the front door. A big blockade door quickly thrust down to stop me in front of my only escape.

It was a good thing I was young and quick, I somehow slid under the blockade even though it almost lopped off my hand. Glaring at the sword and its counterpart I muttered “Well then….I hope you’re worth it” That’s how I got my trusty well…most of the time sword anyways. The reason I’m wanted…well I’m a thief and thieves are criminals.

So anyways, enough talk about my destructive dark past, I’m just getting you up to date on why I was knocked out.


The voice of the character here is very confusing. The manner in which he tells the story is very informal, which is ok but you can often seem like you are repeating yourself. Split up the paragraphs, read them through and try again. you have an interesting concept; I'd like to see you go through with it.
  





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Thu Aug 11, 2011 2:04 pm
Kaibusu says...



i think the way i posted it made it like that with the paragraphs...sorry, i'm new to this lol. But, you said the voice of him is confusing, could you explain that more for me please? I'd like to get as much feedback as possible.
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:48 pm
Demoness says...



Hellååå! I'm Demoness and this title lurked in the corner of my eye so I thought I'd check it out!

* My first impression though - "God this is messy" You need to structure this up, one can suffocate just looking at it ^^

I'll mark my changes and suggestions in bold below and underline the words I think should be changed or removed :)

There was danger behind me; I could sense its presence. But I couldn’t evade it, there was no time. The tip of a blade pierced the front of my chest from far behind, blood...most likely my blood running casually along the edge. A gruff serious voice more to my right whispered hoarsely “Akuma Ookami, you are under arrest!” Unfazed, I answered “So you stab me?” I still hadn’t seen what my attacker looked like, but his damn sword was still stuck in my body. “Don’t worry, now there’s something in your blood that’ll make you fall asleep soon enough” Just as he said that I started feeling unbelievably drowsy. “You...little...ff...u...” I stuttered a little weakly just before blacking out, falling flat on my face but not feeling anything since I was unconscious before my nose so much as scathed the rough ground. My name, as was said by my...well lets not say that word, I’ll just say by my enemy earlier This entire sequens underlines here is really confusing... I don't get it so maybe try clearify it xD. Anyways, I’m Akuma Ookami which in Japanese means “wolf demon”. I guess You guess? Scratch those two words!That name was given to me by my father who when he figured out what I was after I was bornscratch, he left me in a state of wild fear. My mother had died in child birth, so I never actually knew either of my parents. It was like me being born caused our family to fall apart. All because I was born with wolf ears and a tail...the result of this demon being inside of me. A parasite off of a not even born baby yet. My dad left me in the hospital where at first nobody noticed he had left. Then, when it was noticed there was an argument as to what to do with me. One side of the argument happily stated that they should just get rid of me while the opposition disgustedly defended me, saying they should give me out to the orphanage. The sour bunch of them that wanted me gone for good apparently thought it was a bad idea since I was only a newborn. But there was an exception that they made arguing that I was “still human” and deserved as good of a chance as anyone else. Little did they know I’d be considered a murderer in the near future. Anyways, scratch, stop with the "anyways" they are unecessary!I was taken in by the orphanage where the adults that took care of me seemed to like me but I knew that they were secretly afraid of me. The other kids bullied me as we got older just because I was different from everybody else on the inside and out. When I was younger I remembered crying and wishing my parents were back, or at least that my unkind dad would come back for me. But that just added more fuel to the other orphans’ fire of taunts. Later on I felt that I had gained enough courage so I ran away from that awful place and made home in the wilderness. I managed to get by in my small birth town by becoming a thief. Surely and steadily I grew into a young scrawny teenager. In my first year of the new teenage years I snuck into the wealthiest person’s of the town’s house just hoping to find something good or of use to me. That I did. Right on proud display through a glass case sat a gleaming silver sword holding engravings on its side. Words which I couldn’t read. Sticking close to the greedy shadows at the never-ending night, I crept closer to the displayed weapon. Taking a deep breath just in case there was a trap, my heart pounding at a bit higher pace than average I lifted up the rectangular prison of the blade. Nothing happened, everything was as quiet as is should have been, no tripped alarms, nothing. Crickets still chirped happily, no abnormal sounds hit my unpleasantly furry ears so I slowly moved my hand to grab the comfortable hilt. The blade felt so unbalanced in my hand that I almost dropped it. It had a black strap hanging from the ends of the hilt. The hilt sat separate from the sword, its polished black covering blending in with the dark night. After I held both the sword and hilt in either of my rough hands and alarm went off. My heart violently throbbed as I raced for the front door. A big blockade door quickly thrust down to stop me in front of my only escape. It was a good thing I was young and quick, I somehow slid under the blockade even though it almost lopped off my hand. Glaring at the sword and its counterpart I muttered “Well then….I hope you’re worth it” That’s how I got my trusty well…most of the time sword anyways. Consider writing this differently, it sounds weird and it took awhile for me to get it.The reason I’m wanted…well I’m a thief and thieves are criminals. So anyways, enough talk about my destructive dark past, I’m just getting you up to date on why I was knocked out.

My vision was blurry when I woke up again. Honestly, I had no idea where I was…no idea where I evenshould be even. For the first time I was stuck between the world and big black bars which I couldn’t even count. I stumbled and hit my head against the damp wall. Obviously the damnCursing is just awkward when it's expressed in thoughts drugs that were in me still haven’t worn off. It’s a wonder that the samurai was so prepared against me. “What is this?!” I screeched, banging my dirty hands up against the cold bars. “Hey, shut up over there! There are people trying to sleep here!” another voice echoed into the cell I lay slumped in. “H-Hey! Where are we?!” I yelled back to the unknown person. “You mean you don’t know?” they replied after a slight pause. Almost all I could see was darkness. “No, really I don’t…how about giving me some information here?” I urged the guy to speak again. “We’re in jail and you’re in a jail cell…that’s what happens when you get in trouble with the law, kid. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to get a fair trial” “Trial? Trial for what?” “The trial that would determine whether you live or die basically” “Seriously? Well then I need to get out of here…” “I doubt you’ll find a way out. Nobody else has” “Damn” I slumped against the far corner of the wall. It took a while for me to figure out that I still had my stolen sword strapped to my back. It seems weird that the person who struck him with the sword would be stupid enough to leave it there but... oh well, it's your story ^^ Not long after that I filed some plans into my mind. I didn’t notice that I soon fell asleep until I was awoken by the yelling of two guards and my cell door creaking open. “Hey kid!” Secretly I shifted the sword handle in a reliable enough grip between my fingers. My mind was filled with…darkness. ‘You need my help to become a murder. You’re too….weak’ for the first time in months the demon inside of me clawed its way viciously into my mind. Its intentions were unknown, maybe it even seeked to help me out of this prison since it would die if I did. Really though, I’d never get used to it controlling me especially since the after affects felt like a hangover even though I had never took a sip of alcohol ever since I lived. Secretly I thanked the dangerous wolf for coming to my rescue instead of simply causing unbearable agony like it usually has. It was kind of good to know I wasn’t in this along, in a way. But I actually doubted we would make it out of there alive. It was dark and there wasn’t much hope confined in my negative mind. Yet I watched; now through the demon’s eyes…this was going to be interesting. Already, I knew the form had changed since I observed the panic and curiosity in the guard’s eyes. It was hard to tell though since it was so dark and mysterious in the barricade we stood in. When the demon takes control, my hair grows, my fingernails abnormally sharpen, my eyes change into completely blood red stained pupils with black covering the outer rims, and my teeth grow as sharp as knives. “What is he?!” the guard standing further back shouted, attempting to retreat. But the demon wouldn’t let him; it lurched mercilessly forward slamming him forcefully to the cold ground. He screamed, struggling to get away from the monster holding him down, but it was useless. Before the guard could so much as blink one more time, the demon lopped off his head with my own sword effortlessly. His companion gave a startled shout behind it. Silently I observed as the demon spun around the sword not far behind and decapitated the second guard in a row. Blood splattered in many different directions staining the dark floor and walls. Other prisoners yelled out, unsure of what was going on piercing the demons sharp ears but it paid no heed to their baritone voices. Many hands attempted to grab its arms but once they saw what it was they backed off fearfully, allowing it to walk by quietly ignoring them. When it came to the prison entrance, a guard saw him and said “hey…” But it grabbed around his neck and banged him up against the wall growling for no reason. The only sound that came from him were quick choking noises. Finally he stopped moving and became harshly limp. The demon relaxed and let the body fall like a rag doll to the ground. The demon smirked with some satisfaction and hesitantly dropped its control of my body. My body gradually changed its from back to its original human form. Taking a deep breath and looking around I felt exhausted, “What the hell? Why do I feel so…dizzy?” I thought drowsily. I stumbled out of the prison feeling fainter with each small step I took. After I found a safe spot to crash in an empty alleyway I thought “what a nuisance, that being arrested and whatnot took a whole day of my time. Time that I could be searching for people like me.” The next morning I woke up looking dirty with ragged clothes but feeling actually quite refreshed. Late I decided to search for some money, possibly even steal some before continuing on to the next town. I entrusted myself to find an unseen area to scout from. Of course I knew an obvious place to do that was on the rooftops. I took the initiative to find a pipe coiling off the side of a house and gradually make my way up to it. Finally I viewed the ground from a slight bird eyes view, searching diligently for a person carrying some sort of coin. My demonic red eyes searched the thin roads casually watching the busiest parts of the historic town. Watching people just walk down the street was naturally boring. Of course, my demon instincts crave for action, yet I waited patiently watching the streets for someone that looked rich. Finally an old man came into view that caught my eyes forcefully. He looked old and wrinkly…disgusting if you ask me. The guy could barely even walk down the street without stumbling every few seconds, he was just so annoying to me. Guess that makes me a bully, but oh well. Maybe it was his long white beard that got in his foots way, but that hadn’t made me even the least interested in him. It was the bag hanging by his waist that bore down some weight that made me lean over the edge of the roof curiously. I couldn’t be sure that it was actually coins in the light brown tied bag swinging heavily from his belt, but I have already decided money or not, it was mine. Quickly I rolled off of the stooping roof, hurrying to keep up with the slow man…stalking my prey. At least I wasn’t following to kill, I don’t kill…those two headless guards are a completely different story. But come on, it shouldn’t count. I mean, it wasn’t even technically ME…but does what’s inside of me make ME a murderer? Really, I’ve only thought of myself as a friendless thief. Ah, yes the thief that stole three men’s lives helplessly away from them. I kept behind the hobbling aged human keeping my distance. Not finding a better way to do it, I decided to climb another roof and jump off on the other side, rushing in the opposite direction from before. Running I’m not really used to, I huffed and puffed heavily. “All of this for a bag of money…and it may not even be money!” I thought, pacing myself. Finally I spotted my target walking my way. That’s when I slowed to a trot, acting as if I were going to just pass the man busily. Instead at the last second I bumped into him head on. “Hey!! Watch where you’re going kid!” he croaked loudly at me when I bumped into his shoulder. “I’m sorry sir, I wasn’t paying attention…good day to you” I replied kindly with an awkward bow, my ears flopping down. “You look like a messy arrogant boy, but I’m pleased to see you’re more of gentlemen than most kids…” the old guy nodded his head moving on. Happily after his back was turned I tossed the stolen pouch and caught it grinning. “It was all worth while after all” Suspiciously I untied the only defense the bag had to reveal its insides and slowly brought myself to view its “borrowed” contents. Just as I had suspected, it was full of gold coins! Ok, to be honest I didn’t necessarily expect them to be GOLDrather put an exclamination mark than capitalize the letters coins, maybe bronze. But in any case, I had just stolen a fortune! This was the time to celebrate…but how? I was in a good mood, so I turned to a blond man walking by asking “Excuse me, but do you know a good place to celebrate?” “Yes sir, a place I like to go is the Sabe Sake, it’s just down that street to the left” he pointed toward the west. “Alright, thank you sir” I smiled genuinely “Hey…aren’t you wanted for an arrest or something?” “Um, I assume you’ve mistaken me for somebody else” “No, I know I haven’t. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything you seem harmless enough” “Ah, thank you Mr…But remember, nothing is ever what it seems” I winked a red eye at him and spun around, heading towards the direction in which he suggested. “Looks like luck is on my side today” I grinned in a good mood because of my own fortune for once. But, as I passed by a vendor I swiftly swiped a small dark hat from the rack. ‘Not taking any chances if one guy could recognize me so easily…but it isn’t hard for anybody to recognize a man with wolf ears and a tail’ I thought. Well, right now I have the right to say that having a tail hidden in your ragged pants is not even close to being comfortable…not even in the slightest. My ears didn’t necessarily sit in the hat, but the straw hat still hid them casually since it was long enough in width. It was a bit difficult finding the Sabe Sake, but my sharp eyes caught it all the same. As I opened the door a bell ran, warning the people that worked there that the devious demon has arrived. The place looked ok enough. There were a few large tables with average wooden stools gathered around them, but the thing that caught my eye was the winding counter that never seemed to end, also with stools sitting smug behind it. The Sabe Sake wasn’t the least busy, but I kept my head down even with the hat concealing my face. All it takes is one person to recognize you and you’re on the run again. I seated myself at a corner seat behind the counter. “Hello sir, how may I help you today?” A tall teenage boy stood behind the counter wearing a brown ponytail, his small wide eyes trying to get a glimpse of my face from behind a pair of thin glasses. Attempting to make my voice deeper I whispered “Yes, what’s the best item here to drink?” The young waiter replied with a shrill high-pitched voice “Ah that would be the Sake, sir.” “Thank you young man, I will have some of the Sake then please” I ordered from him even though he was probably about the same age as me. The hardworking kid sent me one Sake, so I threw him a gold coin. “Sir? The Sake here cost only one silver coin each” the boy explained, holding up the gold coin I handed to him, admiring it. “Ah, then I shall take two if I may” “Yes sir, of course sir” was all he said, sliding me another cup filled with liquid. The stench was recognizable for me from a while away. It smelled rather bitted, but I decided to curiously take a sip all the same. Curiosity killed the cat I guess they say, it’s a good thing I’m more of a wolf then. The Sake tasted dry and a bit bitter, but it gradually lightened my spirits even more. That man was definitely right, this was a great way to celebrate no matter what the occasion. “It’s usually not this…lonely in here is it?” I asked the boy curious about their business. “Ah, no. The usual Samurai will mostly likely walk in within the hour” “Good to know” I muttered from the contents of the small cup I held. Of course since he was familiar with the daily routine, he was right. The small bell above the door tingled when a group consisting of four samurai walked in deep in conversation. It almost seemed as if the bell was a warning for me to get out of there, maybe even a death bell. But I was safe, I mean my face, ears, and even tail were all concealed uncomfortably within the confines of my hate and clothes. Just as they sat down in a row to my left I was finishing up my second drink. “Get us the usual alcohol” A skinny white-robed samurai spoke. Alcohol…was that what Sake was? Still uncaring, I tossed another coin to the waiter shouting out “Two more, young sir!” “Of course” the waiter agreed to all of us nodding to the samurai and then me in turn. Then in no time at all he slung out all the drinks. The samurai were still talking in normal voice, unaware of my listening ears. “What’ll we do about the murder of the prison guards?” the shortest seemed afraid. “Don’t know…we know what the killer looks like though, so I guess we have a good chance as any of finding him and taking him back to where he belongs” “I hope so. A killer like that…beheading people should be caught quickly” By that time I had already emptied two more cups of Sake. Ah, yes underage drinking felt great. My mouth started hanging open dumbly, drool climbing towards the counter. “Well I say, I say let that guy kill, let him…let him have his fun” I countered into their conversation suddenly, my mind blank, without reason. “And what’re you, the supporter of criminals?” the guy next to me turned to face me, an infuriated look on his pudgy face. “No, you samurai…you samurai just don’t know what you’re doing” I stumble upon my words as if something were wrong with me, wait a second…something WAS wrong! “Are you trying to pick a fight here?!” another yelled angrily at me. “A fight? You samurai certainly can’t… can’t fight” I replied. The samurai sitting next to me stood up furiously, while the other three wordlessly followed his lead. Before I knew what happened my face thudded against the counter painfully. The left cheek of my face stung but the right side of my face hurt from hitting the counter so hard. My demon clawed at my mind ‘Let me kill them all’ but the alcohol confused it, weakening its control. I attempted to move both my arms at the same time, yet only my right arm moved “the hell?” I gaped, figuring out that the left side of my body was in the figure of the demon. ‘What’d you do?!’ It screeched in my mind helplessly. ‘I could ask you the same!’ I growled back. ‘Look, we’ll have to work together…perfectly, if we want of get out of here alive’ I muttered to it with regret. ‘Teamwork huh? You’re the one to talk, you loner’ It scoffed. ‘And you aren’t? Look, when I move my left leg you move yours. I’ll have my sword in my hand since you have your claws. Since you can read my thoughts just go with what I plan, stop when I stop. It’ll make it easier on the both of us’ However, It didn’t reply so I exposed my blade clinging it hopefully in my hand. Seeing my weapon, all the samurai unsheathed theirs. My hat hung low over my head keeping my face completely dark, in a way making me look sort of evil. Yet they all had a glint of fear in their eyes already seeing the demon’s arm. “No fighting in the bar, no fighting!” the waiter shouted, the high pitched scar of fear overturning his voice. Trying to keep safe, he held a beer bottle helplessly in front of him. A clawed hand ripped my sword from my tough grip and accurately threw it into the kid’s neck. You could hear the sickening thud of the sword hitting the wooden wall and after that there was nothing but the crash of the beer bottle he once held to the ground and the shrill cries of the samurai in front of me. ‘You dumbass! What the hell are you doing?!’ ‘Leaving no witnesses’ It grinned as if it’d done something to be proud of. As we shuffled to retrieve the weapon deep in the poor dead boy’s neck a couple swords swung towards us. At that moment I honestly thought we were about to die yet the demon’s claws somehow blocked their swords effortlessly. Yes, that was how sharp its claws were, frighteningly sharp. The destructive demon cackled menacingly swiping back at them. Ignoring cries of pain from my enemies, I tugged my sword back out of the bloodied neck of the kid my age to be aged no more. Sullenly, I almost felt sorrow fro the boy my dark heart actually almost giving in to incompatible grievance, but I swiftly shook off the feeling thinking ‘I can grieve for the loss of innocent lives later…right now it’s life or death’ The demons strong arm lashed out at the hated officials, throwing them in all different directions. ‘Jump now!’ It told me, and I obeyed helping it leap over to a samurai against the wall. Viciously it gouged its claws into his skin slowly prying the man’s skin apart from his muscle and bone while he struggled and screamed. “Hey!” A samurai shouted behind us. Blindly I struck out where his voice seemed to appear from, and then the hard thudding sound was heard. ‘Ah, you’re learning! Very good!’ The wolf giggled corruptly. ‘What’re you talking about?’’You cut off that man’s head. Very good, VERY good’ ‘No! I-I didn’t mean to…’ ‘It’s already done…’ By this time the skin showing from the samurai was all cut off and It checked his pulse. Nothing. We moved on to the sullen samurai that crashed into a table, making its weight give out. My dark side clawed mimicking its movements with the samurai before. But knowing the pain he’d be in I stabbed into his hear with pity, wanting to end his misery. Four people dead as if I were a butcher slaughtering squealing pigs. “No!!” The last living human…the youngest in the Sabe Sake rushed at us tears falling like it was raining off his blemished face. He kicked us in the back before we could turn. We stumbled forward, hitting out heads on a pole. ‘…Fear powers strength. Hurry, kill him Akuma!’ Finally, we managed to get up and turn just in time to block his thrusting sword. “Who…what are you?” The younger samurai questioned as I pushed him back. “I-I am just a lonely boy with a monster taking control of my life” I answered, glaring at him sadly from under my hat. “I’m going to kill you!” the samurai growled desperately slicing wildly at me. Of course I parried without trouble, I almost hate to say it but I’m more experience than most samurai and it doesn’t help them when they lose their mind fighting. His blade flew from his grip clattering unconsciously to the floor. “N-no” he stuttered, falling to his knees in fright. “Sorry kid…” I spoke; my sword glinted in the little light still held in the room. Yet, I hesitated…he looked younger than me. Dying like this would definitely not be honorable, and I wasn’t a murderer…was I? Before I could put my sword down, the wolves claws closed together stabbing into the boy’s ribcage. The look on that boy’s face when he fell would be unforgettable. “What the hell?!” I screamed at what looked like nobody, but the demon was there. ‘Had to be done. Like I said, no witnesses’ my weapon hung weakly at my side before I sheathed it again. “…Let’s just get out of here” was all I whispered, struck by the gory scene in the room. It took a couple minutes to get the hang of walking when the wolf had control of half my body. The way we walked in unison made it look as if I had a short limp. We stumbled over a few stools just attempting to exit the horrid blood covered building but finally we made it out and took a right. The demon cackled as we continued swaying and limping down the empty street “We accomplished a lot today…brother” “Don’t bother trying to confuse me hellhound, demons don’t have brothers” “Ah, there’s where you’re wrong. We do…but we aren’t like brothers because we demons don’t care for family.” “Hell, I’ll admit…you’re the only family I’ve got” I murmured, barely wanting to admit it to the devastating demon. Then the demon’s leg halted where I tried to keep walking. My leg collapsed to the ground. “Ow…Hey, what’s the big idea?!” I yelled up at its wide dark red eyes. Then, I felt it…like a thing or person were piercing me with its gaze, very nearly paralyzing me. “The hell?” I gripped the handle of my blade behind my back and helped the demon turn us around. The dark streets only lit up by the gleaming tiny stars blinking in the sky were empty and quiet. I looked up at the dimly lit bridge where I instantly knew that’s where the presence came from. Good thing the bridge was in the further distance otherwise I might have to investigate but I was too weak and tired to think much of it so I stumbled to turn my half controlled body around again and moved on.


So that was that! Ehm, I like the idea you got here, about two creatures sharing them same body, a human mind fighting against the impulses of the demonic body. I think the structure is too massive though, and your vocabolary is pretty poor. Improving this would take structuring up this piece, giving it more space. Also, loose the many "..." I use them too often myself but I believe it makes the reader think you've forgotten what to say and I need to loose that habit of mine aswell ^^ Anyhows, this is a good idea, it just need some work :)

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
  








Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell