Young Writers Society

Chapter Three: I should probably learn some self-control before I attack someone who can’t heal.
Two days before my birthday, Hayden arrived. He walked into the hacienda and smiled like he’d just won a bet. Most of us came to the estate just as we started changing, so Hayden didn’t know much about his abilities yet.
“He’s a Charlotte,” Rachel said from the upper hall. I shook my head.
“He’s worse.”
“Worse than a Charlotte?”
“Let’s just hope he’s not an Ellie,” Charlotte interrupted. When Hayden looked up, Charlotte took the opportunity to show off. She did a flip over the railing and landed a foot in front of Hayden. He raised his eyebrows.
“That all you got, love?” Hayden asked.
I appeared farther down the hall and climbed onto the railing. I jumped and grabbed onto the iron chandelier. I smirked as I spun and dropped, cross-legged, onto the ottoman in the living room. It wasn’t that I wanted to impress Hayden specifically. I was more interested in proving that he didn’t know as much about us as he thought.
“Much better,” Hayden said, clapping. “Who’s this?” he asked as Fletcher came in the room.
“Fletcher,” I said when I saw the look on Fletcher’s face. His mouth was a straight line and his jaw clenched. Since Fletcher had been a vampire for a year his sense of people was more acute than ours. All I could sense was that something was off with Hayden.
“So where am I staying? Somewhere close to you beautiful ladies, I hope,” Hayden said. Charlotte and Rachel rolled their eyes.
“You can have my room,” Fletcher replied firmly. “This way.”
“Whoa, warm welcome huh?” Hayden whispered to me as we followed Fletcher.
“He doesn’t like you.”
“Ouch. I guess I’ll have to get by.”
I don’t like you either, I thought. Hayden seemed like just the kind of guy to get us spotted. Charlotte might be reckless sometimes, but she knows her limits.
Hayden whistled when Fletcher opened the doors to his room. I noticed that the easel and canvases were missing; Fletcher must have known Hayden was coming.
“You guys have a pool? Sweet!”
“That’s not all we have,” Charlotte said when she appeared by Hayden’s side. “Come see the garage.” The rest of us made it to the large garage in seconds. Hayden didn’t realize, at first, how fast he could run. I leaned against the wall with Fletcher while Hayden took in the ten different cars.
“Can we take them out?” Hayden asked, running his hand along the Maserati.
“Knock yourself out,” Fletcher said and tossed Hayden the keys. I think Fletcher meant it literally, though. Hayden jumped in the car and started the ignition. He nodded as the engine purred.
“You want to join me?” Hayden asked Charlotte and patted the passenger seat.
“No thanks,” Charlotte replied, extending her wings. “I prefer to fly.”
* * * * * * * *
“Huh!” I grunted as I served a tennis ball over the net. Charlotte shot it back and I returned.
“Out!” she shouted. I grabbed another ball and threw it into the air. Charlotte watched the ball as it came down and my racket hit it across the court. I dashed across my side and hit the ball back. Charlotte jumped in the air to spike the ball down. I had just moved to get the ball when I collided with something that should not have been there.
“Ow!” Hayden exclaimed, trying to disentangle himself. I stopped myself from hitting him over the head with my racquet.
“What are you doing here?” I yelled at him when we stood up.
“Aren’t you even a little impressed I found you? I mean, there are a lot of tennis courts in Valencia.”
“When you have super-speed it doesn’t take that long,” Charlotte replied for me and leapt over the net. I tossed my racquet toward the bag of tennis balls. Charlotte picked up her stuff and moved to leave.
“Aw, come on,” Hayden said. “Stay and at least play a set with me.”
“No,” Charlotte and I said at the same time. Everything slowed down as I sensed Hayden’s hand approaching my shoulder. I knew that I could duck, run, or do any number of things to evade his grasp. Instead I saw the wrist and knew how much force I would need to break it. Time went back to normal as my hand whipped around and gave Hayden’s wrist a hard twist. He probably didn’t have much time to register the pain at first. Afterword he dropped to the ground holding his arm.
“Nice,” Charlotte congratulated me as we left the park.
“Wait!” Hayden called and jumped up after us. He pulled a key out of his pocket and held it out to us. “One of you needs to drive me back.” I groaned and realized what else the broken wrist meant. He had probably taken the stick-shift Maserati and wouldn’t be able to change gears.
“You’d better take him,” Charlotte said with a smile. “I’d be too tempted to drive off a cliff or just fly away.”
I snatched the key from Hayden and followed him to where he’d parked. As I thought, he’d brought the Maserati.
“What’s your problem with me?” Hayden asked when we got in the car. I thought a minute, choosing my words carefully.
“I don’t know,” I said, deciding on the truth. It wasn't something I could put into words. I just had a feeling that Hayden was bad news. And with vampires, feelings are usually right. "You have no reservations about being a vampire," I finally replied.
“Reservations!” Hayden laughed. “We have unlimited power—what reservations do we need?”
I shook my head. “We’re not immortal. And we don’t have unlimited power. If you expose the vampires, they will kill you.”
“They? Who are ‘they’?” I did a double-take and looked at Hayden.
“They are the ruling class. Los Reyes—the monarchs.” I flipped my head back to the road and continued, “I don’t know how long they’ve been in power or how they began, but supposedly they are a ruling family who make and enforce the laws. Usually the only law is secrecy.” Hayden frowned like he was doing very serious thinking. Then, all of a sudden, he broke out in laughter.
“Los Reyes,” he said in a fake-eerie voice. “What are they, like the mafia?”
“I guess you could say that,” I muttered.
“Aw, look. Now I’ve made her angry.” I snapped my head over to shoot daggers at Hayden before slamming on the brakes and sharply turning the wheel. The car spun off the road but I kept my gaze on Hayden as his expression went from boredom to excitement to fear. “What the hell are you doing?!” he shouted. I let go off the wheel and the car stopped, facing straight but now twenty feet from the highway. This time of night, the highways only had a few passing cars. I opened my car door and got out.
“Wait!” Hayden shouted at me as he got out too.
“Your wrist is fine now,” I called over my shoulder. Hayden glanced down at his hand that was holding the door. He smiled and tested bending his healed wrist. “I’m going to run the rest of the way.”

It didn’t take long to cover the 20-some miles to the hacienda. When I had a few miles left, I nearly collapsed. My stomach cramped but not from the run. I was hungry like I’d never felt before. I sat on the ground and took deep breaths. Suddenly, a smell caught my attention. I turned and took off in the direction of the smell. A small rabbit sat by a bush. I grabbed it before it even realized I was there. Its neck snapped under my grip and I put my mouth to its throat.
“Mierda,” I whispered when I saw what I’d done. I dropped the rabbit and turned to run again.
“Anna,” someone said behind me. I whipped around, but it was only Fletcher. “It’s okay.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled. “It’s just good I wasn’t in Valencia.”
“You have more self-control than that.” I looked down, not wanting Fletcher to know that I didn’t believe him. “I’m serious.” He knew, of course.
“Did ever you kill anyone?” I asked, finally asking the question that had been perched on my lips for days. I’d wanted to ask someone ever since the cravings started.
“No, but I came close a few times.” Fletcher glanced around, and I could almost see him picking through words in his head. “Just don’t worry about it. Stay home for a few days. At least until your birthday.” I didn’t tell Fletcher that the estate wasn’t home. Everything there was stifling. Like they gave us just enough freedom to satisfy, but not enough to please.
Fletcher pulled off his jacket and I saw the two holes in the back of his shirt. He extended his leathery bat-wings and reached out a hand. I came closer and Fletcher wrapped his arms around my waist and took off. I couldn’t wait until I could fly myself; the view from the air was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. The trees were all a vibrant green. There was a patchwork design of farms and When we got far enough, the hacienda came into view over the trees. It was a gorgeous display of Spanish architecture but, like its inhabitants, it was far darker beneath the surface. The beautiful face and house were just tools of the trade.

I love the name of this chapter! I reminds me a little of the names of the twilight chapters from Jacob's point of view, in a good way though. Those chapter names were probably the best thing in the book.
The name of the book is nice too, it draws up a lot of mystery and questions which are ideal in hooking the reader. The trouble which lies within your chapter is this: you tend to do a lot of listing of the events. Describe them in more detail. Show, not tell.
What’s the difference between show and tell? Well telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.
Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.
Your plot looks good though and your characterisation is really coming along. Keep it up.

Thank you. I usually go with the short and sweet chapter names in my stories, but I thought with this one I would show more of Anna in the chapter names. She is a teenager afterall. And what teenager isn't sarcastic and a smartmouth?

I think you should probably improve your chapter titles... they are a little long and I feel like this chapter title doesn't relate to what is going on... I would had named it something on the lines of Tennis court fangs... though I'm not much of a writer myself, I do know that they don't usually write a sentence for each chapter title they are usually like: The boy who lived, Discovery, Toothpick.

Keep up the good work though.

Chapter Three: I should probably learn some self-control before I attack someone who can’t heal.
We continued studying human subjects for four days. Two days before my birthday, Hayden, another partial-vampire, arrived. He walked into the hacienda and smiled like he’d just won a bet.
“He’s a Charlotte,” Rachel said from the upper hall. I shook my head.
“He’s worse.”
“Worse than a Charlotte?”
“Let’s just hope he’s not an Ellie,” Charlotte interrupted. When Hayden looked up, Charlotte took the opportunity to show off. She did a flip over the railing and landed a foot in front of Hayden. He raised his eyebrows.
“That all you got, love?” Hayden asked.
I appeared farther down the hall and climbed onto the railing. I jumped and grabbed onto the iron chandelier. I smirked as I spun and dropped, cross-legged, onto the ottoman in the living room.
“Much better,” Hayden said, clapping. “Who’s this?” he asked as Fletcher came in the room.
“Fletcher,” I said when I saw the look on Fletcher’s face. We could both sense something was off about Hayden.
“So where am I staying? Somewhere close to you beautiful ladies, I hope,” Hayden said. Charlotte and Rachel rolled their eyes.
“You can have my room,” Fletcher replied firmly. “This way.”
“Whoa, warm welcome huh?” Hayden whispered to me as we followed Fletcher.
“He doesn’t like you.”
“Ouch. I guess I’ll have to get by.” I don’t like you either, I thought then why was she trying to impress him with the chandelier back-flip thing then? . Hayden seemed like just the kind of guy to get us spotted. Charlotte might be reckless sometimes, but she knows her limits.
Hayden whistled when Fletcher opened the doors to his room. I noticed that the easel and canvases were missing. Fletcher must have known Hayden was coming.
“You guys have a pool? Sweet!”
“That’s not all we have,” Charlotte said when she appeared by Hayden’s side. “Come see the garage.” The rest of us made it to the large garage in seconds. Hayden didn’t realize, at first, how fast he could run. I leaned against the wall with Fletcher while Hayden took in the ten different cars.
“Can we take them out?” Hayden asked, running his hand along the Maserati.
“Knock yourself out,” Fletcher said and tossed Hayden the keys. I think Fletcher meant it literally, though haha . Hayden jumped in the car and started the ignition. He nodded as the engine purred.
“You want to join me?” Hayden asked Charlotte and patted the passenger seat.
“No thanks,” Charlotte replied, extending her wings. “I prefer to fly.”
* * * * * * * *
“Huh!” I grunted as I served a tennis ball over the net. Charlotte shot it back and I returned.
“Out!” she shouted. I grabbed another ball and threw it into the air. Charlotte watched the ball as it came down and my racket hit it across the court. I dashed across my side and hit the ball back. Charlotte jumped in the air to spike the ball down. I had just moved to get the ball when I collided with something that should not have been there.
“Ow!” Hayden exclaimed, trying to disentangle himself. I stopped myself from hitting him over the head with my racquet.
“What are you doing here?” I yelled at him when we stood up.
“Aren’t you even a little impressed I found you? I mean, there are a lot of tennis courts in Valencia.”
“When you have super-speed it doesn’t take that long,” Charlotte replied for me and leapt over the net. I tossed my racquet toward the bag of tennis balls. Charlotte picked up her stuff and moved to leave.
“Aw, come on,” Hayden said. “Stay and at least play a set with me.”
“No,” Charlotte and I said at the same time. Everything slowed down as I sensed Hayden’s hand approaching my shoulder. I knew that I could duck, run, or do any number of things to evade his grasp. Instead I saw the wrist and knew how much force I would need to break it. Time went back to normal as my hand whipped around and gave Hayden’s wrist a hard twist. The snap was fast and he probably didn’t have much time to register that pain. Afterword he dropped to the ground holding his arm. this seems a little unnecessarily violent.
“Nice,” Charlotte congratulated me as we left the park. I feel bad for Hayden, these girls are being horrible to him.
“Wait!” Hayden called and jumped up after us. He pulled a key out of his pocket and held it out to us. “One of you needs to drive me back.” I groaned and realized what else the broken wrist meant. He had probably taken the stick-shift Maserati and wouldn’t be able to change gears.
“You’d better take him,” Charlotte said with a smile. “I’d be too tempted to drive off a cliff or to the middle of nowhere and fly away.”
I snatched the key from Hayden and followed him to where he’d parked. As I thought, he’d brought the Maserati.
“What’s your problem with me?” Hayden asked when we got in the car. I thought a minute, choosing my words carefully.
“I don’t know,” I said, deciding on the truth. It wasn't something I could put into words. I just had a feeling that Hayden was bad news. And with vampires, feelings are usually right. "You have no reservations about being a vampire," I finally replied.
“Reservations!” Hayden laughed. “We have unlimited power, what reservations do we need?”
I shook my head. “We’re not immortal. And we don’t have unlimited power. If you expose the vampires, they will kill you.”
“They? Who are ‘they’ that you’re always talking about?” I did a double-take and looked at Hayden.
“They are the ruling class. Los Reyes—the monarchs.” I flipped my head back to the road and continued, “I don’t know how long they’ve been in power or how they began, but supposedly they are a ruling family who make and enforce the laws. Usually the only law is secrecy.” Hayden frowned like he was doing very serious thinking. Then, all of a sudden, he broke out in laughter.
“Los Reyes,” he said in a fake-eerie voice. “What are they, like the mafia?”
“I guess you could say that,” I muttered.
“Aw, look. Now I’ve made her angry.” I snapped my head over to shoot daggers at Hayden before slamming on the brakes and sharply turning the wheel. The car spun off the road but I kept my gaze on Hayden as his expression went from boredom to excitement to fear. “What the hell are you doing?!” he shouted. I let go off the wheel and the car stopped, facing straight but now twenty feet from the highway. This time of night, the highways only had a few passing cars. I opened my car door and got out.
“Wait!” Hayden shouted at me as he got out too.
“Your wrist is fine now,” I called over my shoulder. I could just see Hayden glance down at his hand that was holding the door. “I’m going to run the rest of the way.”
It didn’t take long to cover the 20-some miles to the hacienda. When I had a few miles left, I nearly collapsed. My stomach was cramping but not from the run. I was hungry like I’d never felt before. I sat on the ground and took deep breaths. Suddenly, a smell caught my attention. I turned and took off in the direction of the smell. A small rabbit sat by a bush. I grabbed it before it even realized I was there. Its neck snapped quickly under my grip and I put my mouth to its throat.
“Mierda,” I whispered when I saw what I’d done. I dropped the rabbit and turned to run again.
“Anna,” someone said behind me. I whipped around, but it was only Fletcher. “It’s okay.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled. “It’s just good I wasn’t in Valencia.”
“You have more self-control than that.” I looked down, not wanting Fletcher to know that I didn’t believe him. “I’m serious.” He knew, of course.
“Did you kill anyone?” I asked, finally asking the question that had been perched on my lips for days. I’d wanted to ask someone ever since the cravings started.
“No, but I came close a few times.” Fletcher glanced around, and I could almost see him picking through words in his head. “Just don’t worry about it. Stay home for a few days. At least until your birthday.” I didn’t tell Fletcher that the estate wasn’t home. Everything there was stifling. Like they gave us just enough freedom to satisfy, but not enough to please.
Fletcher pulled off his jacket and I saw the two holes in the back of his shirt. He extended his leathery bat-wings and reached out a hand. I came closer and Fletcher wrapped his arms around my waist and took off. I couldn’t wait until I could fly myself; the view from the air was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. When we got high enough, the hacienda came into view over the trees. It was a gorgeous display of Spanish architecture but, like its inhabitants, the real side was far darker. The beautiful face and house were just tools of the trade.

I’m liking this story better the more I read of it. You are keeping on the characterization, and are introducing some struggles that come with being a vampire. I like that.

If I were you, I’d work on descriptions. Pick up a book you know and skim though it, try to find some descriptive words or phrases that jump out to you, and see if you can do something like that in your story. I guess all I’m saying is really get involved in this world, and amp up the detail. Challenge yourself to learn new vocab or when you’re describing something, see if you can use all five senses. Just some ideas.

Again, I can’t see any kind of plot yet, which is a small issue since it’s already the third chapter in. It seems like all I’m waiting for is Anna to change and become a fell-fledged vampire.

Good luck with the next part! If you come up short on reviews, let me know and I’ll stop by x)

Here I am again.
I don't know. Your style of chapter titling is starting to grow on me. I liked the way you introduced your new character. You gave him an immediate, tangible personality for your readers. However, I think you should try showing us your character's distrust of him rather than telling us. I do like the way you presented Fletcher's dislike of Hayden, though. Your dialogue in this chapter was much easier to follow.
Now, you know me and my nitpicks:

We continued studying human subjects for four days.

For me, this is a very weak first sentence, and you don't need it. We know from the last chapter how long they were studying the subjects, but this information doesn't add to this chapter at all. I would just get rid of it.

Two days before my birthday, Hayden, another partial-vampire, arrived.

This is one example of telling us rather than showing us. Let the reader deduce this information for themselves based on his actions and reactions. And how does Anna know he's a partial vampire?

“That all you got, love?” Hayden asked.

Creeper.

I appeared farther down the hall and climbed onto the railing.

The highlighted phrase sort of broke the flow for me. Wouldn't she have just jumped from where she had been talking to Rachel?

“Who’s this?” he asked as Fletcher came into the room.

"Into" is a preposition showing movement from the outside to the inside, whereas "in" shows containment. Ex: "He walked into the garage." (He moved from one place to another.) and "He found his music stand in the garage." (The music stand was contained in the garage.) However, one of the definitions of "in" is "into," so I guess you can use either. You may be better off completely ignoring me on this one.

We could both sense something was off about Hayden.

You shouldn't need this sentence.

Somewhere close to you beautiful ladies, I hope,” Hayden said.

Creeeeperrrrr!

“He doesn’t like you.”
“Ouch. I guess I’ll have to get by.” I don’t like you either italics, I thought.I would put this thought on a new line.

This made me smile.

I noticed that the easel and canvases were missing.I would use a semicolon here Fletcher must have known Hayden was coming.

Hayden didn’t realize, at first, how fast he could run.

Hmm...how long has he been a partial vampire? He seems like the kind of personality who would test his limits and explore his abilities, so I think he would know how fast he can run. I don't know, you know him better than I do.

“You want to join me?” Hayden asked Charlotte and patted the passenger seat.

That's exactly what a creepy guy in a car would say!

“No thanks,” Charlotte replied,

Good answer.

I grabbed another ball and threw it into the air. Charlotte watched the ball as it came down and my racket hit it across the court. I dashed across my side and hit the ball back. Charlotte jumped in the air to spike the ball down.

This really confused me, and I've played tennis. I had to read this several times before I could envision the scene. I think it might be the listing of actions. As IcyFlame said, this is where you could do more showing.

I yelled at him when we stood up.

I noticed this a lot more in this chapter than I did in the first two, but a lot of your dialogue tags follow the same structure: subject, verb, subordinating conjunctive phrase (phrase beginning with after, although, as, because, before, though, unless, than, until, if, since, when,where, whenever, wherever, while). Your favourites seem to be "when" and "as." Try giving the tags a little more variety.

Everything slowed down as I sensed Hayden’s hand approaching my shoulder.

I think you know what I'm thinking here.

The snap was fast, and he probably didn’t have much time to register the pain.

I would use a participial phrase here, just for the sake of varying sentence structure. Something like: "The snap was fast, giving him little time to register the pain." Not exactly that, but you get the point. It's up to you, of course.

“I’d be too tempted to drive off a cliff or to the middle of nowhere and fly away.”

You don't really need "or to the middle of nowhere." The idea of driving off a cliff gets your point across, and the wording of "the middle of nowhere" sort of breaks up the flow. That's really picky of me, though.

“We have unlimited power,This should either be a period, a semicolon, or a dash what reservations do we need?”

This is what makes me think he would have explored the limits of his power.

Who are ‘they’ that you’re always talking about?”

I don't remember them ever being mentioned before.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

Double punctuation marks are sort of a pet peeve of mine. I believe that the verb in your tag should take care of the exclamation point for you.

I could just see Hayden glancing down at his hand that was holding the door.

The fact that he had healed wasn't really clear. Show us his shock or disbelief or confusion at his healed wrist.

Its neck snapped quicklyYou used very similar wording when Anna broke Hayden's wrist under my grip and I put my mouth to its throat.

“Mierda,”

I think you used some other exclamations like this in previous chapters. It could just be me, but I have no idea what they mean. If they are in a foreign language or specific to vampires, they need to be in italics.

I didn’t tell Fletcher that the estate wasn’t home.

More often than not, you don't really need the word "that." I also would leave out "I didn't tell Fletcher." For some reason, it makes me feel more like I'm listening in on Anna's thoughts.

Fletcher pulled off his jacket, and I saw the two holes in the back of his shirt.

Hmmm....highly suspicious. But I'm curious - are they just holes in the middle of his shirt as if he snagged it on something, or are they in the collar?

It was a gorgeous display of Spanish architecturecomma here but,no comma here like its inhabitants, the real side was far darker.

"The real side" just seems uncomfortable to me. I don't know. Maybe mention something about a facade. I can't put my finger on exactly why the term "side" bothers me.
General Critiques:
Be careful not to have so many characters that your reader gets confused, especially when some of them are only mentioned here and there. I'm keeping up so far, but you've been adding at least one new character per chapter so far. Just don't go overboard.
Your sentence beginnings are very varied, but a lot of your sentence structures are the same. You use a lot of compound and complex sentences. Throw a few compound-complex and simple sentences in there where you want to make a certain point have a greater impact.
I agree that you tend to tell a lot more than show, but most authors struggle with that (including myself). One good exercise is to pick one sentence in your piece you feel is "tell-y." Write that sentence down, and then write at least a paragraph or two presenting that sentence in a different way, involving all five senses and being as descriptive as possible. Of course you don't have to use what you wrote, but it will help you be a more descriptive author.

Probably because of my background in theatre, character development and dialogue is very important to me. Sometimes your dialogue feels a little stilted, but for the most part you have done very well keeping your dialogue consistent with your characterization. Read everything out loud to yourself for the purpose of deciding what sounds natural for you and for your characters. If you approach the dialogue as the speaking character, what will sound right to you will most likely sound right to your reader. But again, your dialogue doesn't need much attention.
Another good chapter! I like the direction it's headed. You know you can contact me with any questions. Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-