Young Writers Society

Chapters 1,2

I lost everything i had that day. The day i came home from the Training Facility. I was only an hour late when I came home. I had no clue I lost the person that meant the most to me. I was all she had and she was all I had. She was dead , Burned alive I saw the firey red and orange flames glide around the bed .I looked threw the flames and swear I saw A guy dressed in black but then he was gone,I passed out from all the smoke ,an hour later when I woke humans were all over doctors, cops, private Investagators. I was in a corner sitting there were ashes on my hands. I couldnt stop crying. Investagators throwing questions at me Who are you ,what happened did you do this.Are you ok. I didnt answer any of the questions. All i could say was she is dead i just got home. After that night i was scared did they think i could of possibly kill my mother. of course the answer to that question was of course not .I only wished she would come back. I wished that day was only a nightmare but it was not.they put me in a foster care center the only thing that stopped me from running everyone is the fact i did not want my mothers death blamed on me I wanted my mothers killer to burn in hell. They placed me in a foster care center a day after. Since I was supposibly a 16 year old troubled girl who watched her mother burn to death I hated that place.

A few years later Is when I autually saw him, I mean I always saw him in my dreams. He was the kind of guy you only see in dreams. Black spikey hair red breathless eyes and A mistical smile ,he was realy pale. He looked at me and he spoke. ' Come to me Child of mine help me in this bizzare world of wonders rule eveything you get your hands on be , like me child '

I took his hand and he laughed slightly. We wallked in the most beautiful places in all the land and the funny thing is he actually could keep the same pace as me,talk the same fairytale dreams i always had ,He was like a dream.

he looked at me
' so Roselia how long have you been a foster girl '
I lied ' all my life '
he smiled and said ' interesting ' .

His eyes met mine and all i wanted to do was kiss him as As I always did in my dreams I bit my lip hesitating .
He looked at me and brought his lips to mine and gently kissed me I was weak my mind was rushing as I kissed him back.When he pulled away he smiled and stared at me as I stared at him light headed.

he was smiling ' I knew it "

me astonished ' knew what '

He smiled ' that you like me '

I gasped ' howd you know you dream stalker '

He smiled ' thats hardly what I am see Im what 'humans' would call a mistical creature and also we share the same secrete.

I swallowed hard there was a lump of hurt In my throat, dispair what does he know. What could he possibly know about me already I looked at him. ' what do you know' I say

he chuckled and said 'your not even close to normal'. You are wanted dead or alive and your mother died in a fire and everyone blames you oh and do not let me forget the biggest secrete of all you are indeed a vampire'.

I paused astonished ,asamed and scared of this mystery man ' how do you know all this '

he did this crooked smile as he spoke. 'easy rumors, the tattoo on yout back of your neck that you try to hide and the fact im here to protect you from everyone that wants you dead'.

I say 'what do you mean'

Hey there! Icy here to review
First off, I want to ask you if you really need a prologue. A lot of books don't actually have one and unless it adds information that would otherwise run the risk of being forgotten I wouldn't actually put one in. This is a very short one, and you need to work on your fiction hooks.

truepoisiondisgrace wrote:Prologue
My 16th Birthday,ha,Happy Birthday Roselia

I lost everything I had that day. The day I came home from the Training Facility. I was only an hour late when I came home. I had no clue I lost the person that meant the most to me. I was all she had and she was all I had. She was gone dead. Burned alive I blacked out ,an hour later when I woke up humans were all over Doctors, cops, private Investagators. I was in a corner sitting there were ashes on my hands.I couldn't remember anything. Could I have killed my mother?Was it me?

Honestly, I'm having trouble keeping track of this. You put the information down in list like form which gives the impression that your MC is very sure of what happened and then she begins to question it all? Be consistent and watch out for those grammatical errors!

Hi there! Let me start by saying welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. It's really a great resource for any budding writer, and no matter what people say, they're always simply trying to be helpful.
Now, on to my review. Right away, I can see a lot of grammatical errors. A couple of your "I's" aren't capitalized, and the spaces with the commas are in the wrong spot. The space is supposed to go after the comma, not before. A lot of these mistakes are easily made by an inexperienced keyboarder, so they can be fixed simply with practice. Other things, though, are not so easy to fix.
Right away, I noticed this was rather short. In addition to that, it seems like the start of the first chapter rather than a prologue. A prologue is to introduce a story in a somewhat mysterious way, and get us intrigued. This is certainly intriguing, but you have to make sure that you don't cross the line into cliche. Just keep an eye on that, and proofread your work, and you're off to a great start!

um i have no clue on what to do

Reply to the edited version:

truepoisiondisgrace wrote:Chapters 1,2
My 16th Birthday,ha,Happy Birtday Roselia

I lost everything i had that day. The day i came home from the Training Facility. I was only an hour late when I came home. I had no clue I lost the person that meant the most to me. I was all she had and she was all I had. She was gone dead , Burned alive I blacked out ,an hour later when i woke up humans were all over Doctors , cops , private Investagators. I've already corrected this bit, so won't bother doing that again. I was in a corner sitting andthere were ashes on my hands. I couldnt stop crying. They placed me in a foster care center a day after . Since I was supposedly a sixteen year old troubled girl who watched her mother get burned to death. , is what they say.
A few years later, I saw him. He was the kind of guy you only see in dreams. Black spikey hair, red breathless eyes and A mystical smile ,he was realy pale. He looked at me and he spoke slightly. ' Come to me child of mine. Help me in this bizzare world of wonders. Rule eveything you get your hands on. Be like, like me child '

I took his hand and he laughed slightly. Why did she trust this stranger instantly?We wallked in the most beautiful places in all the land and the funny thing was he actually could keep the same pace with me physically or mentally? , talk the same fairytale dreams i always had , This part was very hard to understand. He was like a dream.

He looked at me. 'So, Roselia how long have you been a foster girl?

I lied. 'All my life.' He smiled and said, 'how interesting ' and then smiled he leaned in to kiss me.

If this mysterious boy is going to be one of your main characters try and make their first kiss more magical. Show, don't tell.

You're punctuation is a little off here - you don't need a space before each comma and full stop, just one after it For a chapter, this was pretty short but I'm sure there are many ways you can expand it. If you need any help, don't hesitate to drop me a pm or post on my wall.
Icy

Your story is a little bit confusing to read. Try not to put a space before a comma, it comes after.

She was gone dead , Burned alive I blacked out ,an hour later when i woke up humans were all over Doctors , cops , private Investagators.

It should be: She was dead or gone, but not both, burned alive. I blacked out. An hour later when I woke up, there were doctors, cops, and private investigators all around [me, I assume?].

You capitalized Doctors, which does not need capitalization as it is not a title (such as 'Doctor what room is my daughter in?')

Try not to have run on sentences, and when you write dialogue, instead of doing apostrophes do quotation marks. To make it easier to read, every time someone else speaks start a new paragraph.
(For example:
"Do you see him?"

"See who?"

"That guy. Over there.")

It's a good story so far, just a little bit confusing to read. You can take my tips if you like, but it's all up to you ^.^

Remember, practice makes perfect!

Hey there!
Your story is quite interesting so far! I'd like to see what happens; it definitely has lots of potential. There are just a few things that need worked out.
So, I began reading this and I noticed that you had quite a few spelling/grammar/punctuation errors. Those definitely need fixed. In my opinion, they're quite distracting. Although, this has been mentioned in previous reviews so I'm going to go ahead with the next part.
Your beginning is the kind that is trying to grab the readers' attention. The goal is to make them wonder what is going on so they will want to continue reading. What you have so far does this somewhat, but I think it could be improved upon by adding a bit more intro. Possibly describe the scene a bit more as the MC discovered what happened. You could go into more depth about how she's feeling to give a little characterization. You want the audience to get to know your character by showing how she reacts to situations. You have a little of that already, but it could be expanded.
Another major idea that really brings a story to life is the concept of "showing, not telling." For example, instead of simply stating that the MC was burned and the mother died, put in descriptions of the flames swallowing them or something. There are a few topics about this in the forums if you want to find out more.
Your ending has a bit of an eerie feel to me. Which is good, if that's what you're going for. However, by adding maybe more dialogue, descriptions, etc. it could make it just that much better.
I hope this helped! Message me with any questions! Keep writing!
~Devan

Hey, Disgrace! Here as I said I would be!

You've got a neat story idea brewing here! I'm certainly interested in just what's going on. I'm worried for the MC already! And the guy is kinda weird. Curious, really. I hope he's a good guy. o:

I think the biggest point I can make is how quickly the story moved! And there are a number of ways to help fix this. The story doesn't give the reader enough time to digest what's happening. At this point, it's just being told to us straight up with little to no description. "This happened then that happened. The end!" It's kind of boring.

So what you can do! Take a lot more time in filling in the details. Make the reader feel like they're there with the MC. Use your five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) to help you describe the setting and explain exactly what's happening. Remember that the reader doesn't quite know what's going on in your mind, so you gotta write it clearly enough that they understand perfectly what's going on!

The first paragraph, though rushed, is a good example of a good start to description. We can see and feel the fire, we question the confusion when the MC refers to the cops as "humans," and we start to get an idea that there's something weird going on. Build on that some more! And apply that to the rest of the story too so as to stretch it out a bit. Remember that length doesn't matter as long as the story is told well!

The dialogue also sounded rushed. I think mainly after having such a hot kiss scene with the hot dream guy in a hot dream, they wouldn't immediately jump into the "who are you" questions. The moment will be a little more passionate, tense, confusing/quiet. Also, dialogue is an excellent way to introduce your characters. Learn their speech patterns and try to make their dialogue sound different from each other. It's kind of hard to understand and takes practice. Basically, if you take your conversation and delete all the tags/names, you should still tell the difference who's talking. If you can't, then it's something to work on! Realistic dialogue. =D

So pace and dialogue are the main issues I see. As for plot, I think you're on the right track, so definitely keep writing! The grammar and spelling is a bit weak, which can discourage your readers, so try to work on that a bit more. But you've definitely got a good project started, so hopefully it'll turn out even better!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I'm back as requested!
Considering I've already proof read the first section, I'll focus on the next bit for you.

truepoisiondisgrace wrote:His eyes met mine and all Iwanted to do was kiss him as As I always did in my dreams. I bit my lip hesitating.
He looked at me and brought his lips to mine and gently kissed me.Try to build up the tension more. Read teenage romance books and maybe gather ideas from them. I know I always have trouble with these kind of scenes but from reading things like 'shiver' and even twilight, I gained a lot of experience. I was weak and my mind was rushing as I kissed him back.When he pulled away he smiled and stared at me as I stared at him, light headed.

He was smiling. 'I knew it"

me astonished 'Knew what?'

He smiled. 'That you like me.'

I gasped ' howd you know you dream stalker ' This part was completely unnecessary, first of all why would she assume he'd read her dreams? And why then would she refer to him as a 'dream stalker'. Maybe put in some of her thoughts at this point to show how confused she is.

He smiled again. 'Thats hardly what I am. See I'm what 'humans' would call a mystical creature and also we share the same secrete.

I swallowed hard there was a lump of hurt In my throat, dispair. What does he know? What could he possibly know about me already? I looked at him. 'What do you know?' I asked.
Firstly, would she not react more to the fact that he isn't human? And if not, why not? The other thing is, characters rarely voice exactly what they're thinking.
He chuckled. and said 'You'renot even close to normal. You are wanted dead or alive and your mother died in a fire and everyone blames you oh and do not let me forget the biggest secrete of all you are indeed a vampire'.Woah, info dump! This is supposed to be the biggest secret yet he just speaks as if it's no big thing? We need to know how important it is?

I paused astonished ,asamed and scared of this mystery man/ 'How do you know all this?'
Again, shock alert! Did she know she was a vampire already? If she didn't surely that would be the thing she reacts to most in his sentence?
He did this crooked smile as he spoke. 'easyRumors, the tattoo on yout the back of your neck that you try to hide and the fact I'm here to protect you from everyone that wants you dead'.
I say 'what do you mean'

You need to try typing this out in word before pasting here. Hopefully then you will have less errors and people will be able to focus on the actual content. Pm me if you need me
Icy.

Hey there Poison! So I see someone already proofread for you and did all the nitpicks. I'll stay away from that and give you an overall review, then.

Make no mistake, this is interesting, and you know enough to start with conflict, and to start late, but there's plenty of things to be improved here. For one, you seem to breeze past everything. Take your time, slow things down, and breathe in and out. Once you've done that, shut your eyes and then open them again. Pretend you're the main character now, or at least that you can hear her.

Tell me, what does she say? What does she sound like? Every person has quirks in his or her speech specific to him/her. For example, after I explain something to people, I always follow up with, "Do you get me?" It's a crutch phrase of mine - something I use and say often. Then one of our professors always asks us, 'Are you sure?' when we throw a question at him. Another one of my friends has a tendency to curse a lot when things go even the slightest bit awry. Things like these - they make your character feel a lot more real. Right now, she seems a little flat, and I can tell you're really excited for this story because you've gotten so far in so few words, but slow down! The audience needs time to catch up with you. ^^

The key with good writing is to make the readers feel they're actually there. This is accomplished by a lot of things. First of all, description. You have to describe the surroundings, the main character's emotions, and anything relevant that's going on. The reader is blind/deaf/senseless when in your world. It's your job to take the words and mold them into something more tangible - your novel's world. Make it something we can be part of, and it'll be so much easier for us to cry and laugh when you want us to.

You chose first person, and while this is good, it also has its drawbacks. First person demands even more than third person in that the narrator has to feel real, and everything the main character feels the readers should feel too. The readers must be in your main character's head, so whatever your main character knows your reader must know. Whatever your character doesn't know, your reader cannot know.

A good trick to keep in mind when writing first person is that it should feel almost like a stream of consciousness. There has to be a lot of thoughts interlaced into the narrative, between what she's doing and what's going on. Her thoughts will betray her emotions, and thus, we the readers can sympathize with her. Also, keep in mind that in first person, the main character's biases will taint the readers as well, and first person POVs are notorious for being quite unreliable sometimes. For example - you wouldn't see yourself as the bad guy in any situation, because you understand why you did it, and you feel it's justified (unless you did it because you had no other choice, but that's different). You have your reasons for not liking someone, and though they might be baseless, you don't think they're baseless. Therefore, whatever the main character thinks, your readers will think too. If she's of the opinion all vampires are amazing, then your readers will too. If she turns a blind eye to all the bad things in the world, then no doubt your narrative will reflect that. I'd like to see more of this, and then maybe we can tackle voice after we figure out if your character really has a voice or not (to be fair, I think she would have a unique voice, given her circumstances and her nature as a vampire).

Another key tip to remember is to show, don't tell, when you write descriptions. Since you breezed through everything, there was only very little tell, but totally no show either. You probably already heard the show don't tell thing a lot of times, so I'll take the liberty of explaining it. I didn't know what in the world show, don't tell meant either when I started writing, and it took me a long while to find out.

She's beautiful.

That is telling. It's a declaration of fact, basically.

When she came in the room dressed in boy shorts that left nothing to the imagination, every single head in the room turned, and the boys parted to make way for her as she strode down the hallway.

That is showing. Showing tends to do much more than telling because it allows the reader to make inferences for themselves. You don't have to tell the reader much - let the reader connect the dots by himself/herself. That way, she'll feel much more involved in the story.

Here's another example, just for good measure.

She was tired.

Tell.

She could barely keep her eyes open, and her hands shook from the lack of sleep.

Showing.

If you still don't really get it, then just PM me. ^^ Anyway, showing things happening will allow you to lengthen the narrative and make the reader feel as if she's really there.

Right now, you've got a great backbone for your story, which is good. But you know what I'd really like? Something new, something different - a twist, so to say. Sure, she's a vampire and he's a vampire. That's new, sort of - most main characters are plain Janes, and I like the fact that yours isn't. However, you haven't really thrown me anything that'll make this seem truly fresh yet. Give me something to hold on to - something that makes this feel different from every other book I'd laid my hands on.

Whew! That was a long review. I hope you find this useful in your revisions, and when you write in the future! Right now, there are more things I could mention, but I won't say them yet because I think they mostly result from your excitement when you wrote this as opposed to your writing style. If you take the tips I mentioned here and revise this, then PM me and ask me to review again, then I could tell for sure if they were due to the rushed feel of this piece or if you do need nudging in the area.

PM me if you have any questions or need anything, or just need to talk! <3

Sincerely,

Octave

The trouble with fantasy is that you often run the risk of sounding cliché. All mistakes have been pointed out here by Icy and Octave's provided a great explanation of show vs tell.
So now it's my turn to talk about cliché.

Characters, Mary Sue.
We don't want a too-perfect version of yourself!
The Mary Sue (or Gary Stu) is a character with perfect abilities and beauty whom everyone adores – often a wishful stand-in for the author herself! [1] It is rare that you get all that perfection in the same character. But Mary-Sue aspects can creep into any main character.

For example, I have a sergeant. It begins to sink in on me that I'm giving him all the flashy jobs to accomplish. It improves things when I rewrite and make one of his corporals the best marksman in the squad.

The most obvious Mary-Sue stuff happens when a writer over-emphasizes her character's beauty: her slender yet voluptuous figure! Most beginning writers evolve beyond this. But Mary-Sue characteristics can creep in on more subtle levels, especially when the other characters relate to the Mary Sue in ways not earned or believable: everyone adores her, obsesses over her, or envies her for no real reason.

Give your character some physical and emotional flaws. Share out the heroic deeds so that she's forced to ask for help. Above all, don't make her your mouthpiece for your own personal philosophy.

Characters, Names.
Don't create names that sound randomly generated by software!
Find out more about choosing characters' names.

Info-Dumps.
Don't drop all the details on your reader all at once.
It can be so hard to communicate your back-story! When you're writing your rough draft, just pour it all in your first scene and don't worry about it. Keep writing to the end of your fantasy novel. Realize that you will cut most of your first chapter and either discard it, or work the most important bits in through dialogue and action. But all that cutting and reorganization can come after you finish writing the rough draft.

Your first scene must draw the reader in through action, or at least strong emotion over an intriguing situation. Take a hard look at the MINIMUM your reader needs to know to understand the first scene. Do we need to know that we're in the middle of a war? Yes. Have the artillery booming in the background (or the archers marching past the town gates). Must we get burdened with the fact that two separate dynasties are fighting over certain types of religious persecution? Not quite yet. You can have the characters bicker over that in a later scene.



Follow all that and then hopefully you'll have a book to be proud of!