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The Perilous Secret



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Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:45 am
Christianwriter101 says...



Chapter 1:

‘Got to get away . . . Got to get away . . . Got to get away . . .’
Cristy stumbled over the fallen brush and maneuvered around overgrown trees. Her back ached under the extra weight and her palms grew exceedingly sweaty. Her only thought was panic and panic only.
‘Not this time . . . They won’t get me this time . . .’
Pushing herself to the limit, Cristy charged through the forest like a retreating soldier.
‘Huh?’
Cristy slid in her tracks and stopped. A fallen tree lay in her path with a trunk so thick it stretched up to her shoulder. She panicked. What was she going to do?
Behind her, the sounds of feet moving against the forest floor and men’s shouts reached her ears.
‘Dang it,’ she thought.
Cristy turned back and faced the trees behind her. With quick movements, she reached into her pocket and wield a six inch pocketknife. She was ready. No turning back now.
Letting her breath slow, she stayed very still and made sure she could hear the trampling of leaves and men’s voices. They sounded angry . . . really angry. There were no other sounds in the forest besides those that were following and her steady breath.
‘Come on . . .’ she thought boldly and got in a readied position. ‘No more running.’
The steps grew nearer and nearer and the voices were becoming easier to depict. Cristy knew who they were and (more importantly) knew why they had come.
They had come for her.

THREE WEEKS EARLIER. . .

"Ms. Dolon?" a voice said. I kept my eyes squeezed shut. "Ms. Dolon!"
Realizing who the voice belonged to; I quickly snapped my eyes open!
A dark crow-looking woman hovered over me wearing a black raven dress and starring with beady, black eyes. Her cold glare pierced through me like arrows and she rested her hands on her hips.
I shrunk deep in my desk.
"If you feel sick I'd prefer it if you would ask to be sick in the nurses office.” The woman inspected me closed behind her brown rimmed spectacles.
The students sitting around me started to snicker. I tried to keep eye contact with my teacher and ignore the others but I ended up putting my head downcast. The whispers and talking grew.
"Freak," one of them spoke loud enough for me to hear.
"Enough!" the teacher slammed her hand down on the desk. We all jumped in surprise. The bird lady turned to me. "You. To the office. Now!"
Slowly but surely I rouse from my seat and lifted my bag over my shoulder. I had never quite known a woman being so keen on getting people to the nurse’s office so forcefully as if you were being sent to detention. Not looking at the woman's piercing eyes I maneuvered around her and reached the door.
"Ms. Dolon?" I looked over my shoulder towards her. "Find the right door . . . And take it!"
Well, that could mean all sorts of things. It could either mean that I should find the nurses office and go in it; or I should go to a mental institute because of my supposed stupidity; or (if someone I had known very well said that) they might of meant something much deeper.
I walked out of the room and earned a lovely spit ball that stuck painfully to my hair. Not looking back to see who had done it, I closed the door and ripped it out of my hair.
I looked at the slimy thing in my hand. Even worse, it was wadded over a piece of gum. I tossed it quickly to the floor.
Will it always be like this? Will I always be picking gum out of my hair? I sighed at the thought.
"Hello, Cristy," the woman smiled warmly. "Mrs. Markus just phoned in saying you were coming. Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
I stood their silently giving no hint of an answer. The woman sitting in front of me was short slightly rounded with pixie cut hair and wearing a white sweatshirt with tan colored jeans. Her face was kind and warm and didn't give off any signs of fakeness. I couldn’t help liking her a lot but there was something wrong with the way she smiled all the time and looked at her with pity. I didn't trust it or the way she sat there in a mood of confidence.
Of course . . . she’s always in a mood of confidence.
"Cristy," she looked deep into my eyes. They were nice, kind eyes that made me want desperately to think twice. "Make the right choices. You have to open up to people."
I looked away and starred at the bed near the corner of the room. I didn't say a word.
The nurse sighed deeply. "Alright. Well, take a seat and I'll check your temperature."
I did as she said and sat on the edge of the bed silently. The nurse hesitated a moment then opened the drawer of her desk and grabbed a cleanly wiped thermometer. Letting her face go blank, she told me to open wide and let the metal slide beneath my tongue.
"I'll be right back," she said and turned around before I could see the sad expression on her face.
I sat there patiently waiting for the thermometer to beep. While I was waiting I read the health posters with pictures of children washing their hands and a girl sitting on the ground revealing an obviously fake cut in her knee.
Suddenly, the door opened before I could finish reading about helmet protection. A girl stood there with sweat beading on her line of hair and carrying a backpack that seemed to way her down a great deal given her slumping form. Her face was pale against her wild curly blonde hair and she wore a simple designers t-shirt and capri jeans. She looked around sixteen as I was with high cheek bones and soft gray eyes.
She spotted me across the room and waved to get my attention.
"Hey," she said panting heavily. "Do you know where the office is?" she moaned.
I shook my head. Her tired expression worried me. She didn't look or sound good at all.
Her eyes looked heavy from lack of sleep and her cheeks were so red it appeared that all her blood was rushing to her face. Studying her expression, I noticed she looked excited yet exhausted from what could have been a long run.
But, that couldn't be it. It’s been an hour since school started.
I decided quickly that I wasn't going to pay attention to her anymore so I pointed to the door leading next door.
The girl saw where I was pointing and sighed with relief.
"Thanks," she said and stumbled out of the room leaving the door wide open.
I sighed and I leaned back against the wall. My eyes wondered again and I spent the next ten minutes reading the posters over again.
When the nurse returned, she checked the thermometer and shook her head.
"Cristy, there's nothing wrong with you. What made the teacher think you were sick?"
I wasn't looking directly at her eyes. I was looking past her at the brick wall. Of course, I was listening but I didn't give it away. I kept still and starred at the wall till my eyes hurt.
Giving up, the nurse grabbed for the phone and called my second hour teacher, Mr. Bruno. They talked for a few minutes and from the frustrated look I gathered it didn't go well.
After putting the phone down on the receiver a little harder than even she was going for, the nurse turned and gave me an awkward smile. "Mr. Bruno apparently got a call from Mrs. Markus. He heard how sick you were and assures me you couldn't be in . . . the right condition to return to class."
In other words, my teacher didn't want me exposing myself to the other students and took the opportunity to get rid of me and spare the misery for my other teachers.
I nodded in return and waited to see what she'd do. It bothered me that even the teacher didn’t appreciate my presence in class. I mean, I can understand the students . . . sort of. But the teacher?
“Well I guess Mr. Bruno will have to live with it.”
The nurse’s voice made me flinch and I looked up at her.
“You might as well go back to class,” she said with a shrug. “Even he knows there’s nowhere you can go.”
I sighed. Well, okay. I was hoping I could get out of school but it doesn’t matter. I’d just have to get through this day like any other.
I winced at the thought.
Getting up, I nodded my thanks to the nurse and walked out of the room before she could say anything else.
I shouldn’t be getting myself down by this. I mean, isn’t this what I wanted; for everyone to just stay away and not get involved? Then how come I feel so alone with all this?
“Hey, you!”
I froze in my tracks and looked left and right. There was no one in the hall. Who said that?
“Hey! Behind you!”
I looked back over my shoulder and saw a familiar girl standing across the hall. Do I know her?
Wait. That’s the girl that came into the nurse’s office earlier. What does she want?
She’s also the girl running to catch up to me.
I began walking again at a quicker pace.
“Wait!”
Her call didn’t even faze me.
“Please wait!”
That did it. I wanted to ignore her but her ‘please’ made me stop in my tracks. No one has said that to me in a long time. Who was she? Does she know who I am?
Evidently not because soon she caught up and stopped in front of me.
“Hi,” she said gasping. “My name . . . is Jessica . . . What’s yours?”
I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. I was unprepared for this.
Jessica had her arms down on her legs and she looked like she was going to pass out. Her curls draped over her face like curtains and sweat emanated from her body. It was gross yet I couldn’t help feeling sympathetic.
Finally, after realizing I didn’t answer and had calmed down a little, the stranger straightened up and gave me a smile. “My name is Jessica! What’s yours?”
Obviously she thought I hadn’t heard her.
Jessica looked at me confused. “Um . . . I’m sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?”
My face grew red from embarrassment. Her heated gaze was making me uncomfortable. I lowered my head and quickly stepped around her.
“Wait!”
I stopped and looked back surprised.
“Uh . . . can you show me where Mr. Bruno’s class is?” she asked smiling a little. “It’s my first day and I don’t know my way around.”
I bite my lip and looked to the ground. Is there any harm involved in this. I reached into my memory and tried to sort this out. ‘No,’ my brain said. ‘Just show her the class and ignore her forever.’
Well, that’s reasonable.
I nodded and began walking in the direction of our class. I heard footsteps hurry behind me and fall into place alongside me. I dared not look for fear she was staring at me.
She walked in silence figuring it wasn’t worth talking since I won’t answer. The only thing we could hear were her converse shows stepping to the ground and my sneakers sliding across the floor with an occasional squeak.
We made it upstairs and I pointed towards the first door to the right.
“Thanks,” she said. She stepped to the door them hesitated. “Um . . . do you have the same class as me?”
I nodded and pointed towards the door. Is she going in?
Jessica smiled. “Good.”
I frowned in confusion. Is that good? I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I mean, lots of people have the same class together.
I studied her smile closely as she open the door to the classroom and walked in confidently. It was almost like she had done this before. Why is she so sure of herself?
Unless . . . she thinks I’m going to be her friend?
My frown trailed deeper. I hope not.

*
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Monica Kyler
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 5:41 am
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Boolovesyou says...



Hey Chrstianwriter,

The story seems like something they would play on ABC Family. I don't know if thats a complement, but it isn't bad? I'm interested in why the girl won't talk since you give no reason. You had one sort of error?

Her face was kind and warm and didn't give off any signs of fakeness.
Fakeness isn't a word, but Falseness is...

I liked your story. I don't really have much to say about it. You could defiantly put more descriptions in the begging to really bring the reader in.

Thats all!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:10 pm
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Synnoev says...



heya! Synne here to review :)

Overall, I thought this was pretty good, I'm intrigued as to how the girl got from such a normal seeming situation to being chased - I like how you put that bit beforehand to grab the attention and make the reader wonder - it means that they can be looking for clues in your writing later on to try and guess how things will pan out like that.

I agree with Boo in that you could draw out your descriptions a bit more; what you write is very good and creates the right kind of atmosphere, but you could do with fleshing it out a bit more - describe sensations, smells etc as well as more standard things like sound and sight.

I think this was very good though! There are a couple of proofreading issues here and there, but most are minor and should be easy for you to pick out if you read over it again.

Hope to see you around the site in the future! :smt003
  





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Thu Sep 08, 2011 3:00 pm
NightStormxd says...



I really like it. Its very interesting and keeps me in the flow!
keep writing!
  





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Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:46 pm
Christianwriter101 says...



Thank you for commenting on my story not to long ago. Yes, this is actually my 1st draft so I expected mistakes in the beginning. *shrugs* Thank you for the insight and, yes, I will try to edit it as soon as I can.

I say this a lot: Thank you!
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Monica Kyler
  








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