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Young Writers Society


A Country on Edge-Chapter 2



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Fri Aug 19, 2011 11:24 am
Noelle says...



Arthur left Max’s office an hour later and headed to the cafeteria. It was nearly twelve and he hadn’t even gotten breakfast. All because Max had to serve donuts.

The cafeteria wasn’t really a cafeteria. It was really a meeting room that had cabinets lining the walls. The LWP members were expected to chip in a couple of dollars a week in order to keep the cabinets full. Most members doubled as normal people and had jobs in the city to make some cash. They didn’t get paid to be members of the LWP. Arthur wasn’t one of those people, however, he didn’t have the luxury of leaving for a couple hours a day. Max always had him running errands and hunting down people. On the bright side, he did get paid for what he did, so he had enough money to chip in for food.

Arthur wandered in and grabbed a plate. The pale yellow walls of the room always made him sick. Who had designed the place anyway? It was all too bright for him. If he had painted it, he would’ve chose a nice blend of blue and purple, his favorite colors.

He grabbed a ham sandwich and layered lettuce, olives, mustard and mayonnaise on top. Adding a bunch of snacks to his plate, he walked to a table and sat down. Waves of people came and went, stuffing food into their mouths, not staying for long. But Arthur just sat there, slowly moving food into his mouth. The yellow walls seemed to set him in a trance. He stared at them for what felt like hours. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder and jumped.

“What the…” turning around, he saw his closest friend standing behind him. A smile broke across Arthur’s face. “Galen! Why’d you scare me like that?”

“’Cause it was funny, that’s why.” Galen responded, a grin plastered on his face. He was a short man, shorter than Arthur. His brown hair was messy atop his head and it matched his boring eyes. He sat across from Arthur and waited patiently for him to stop eating. He drummed his fingers on the table and looked around the room.

“Alright, I’m done,” Arthur said, getting the message that Galen had something to share. “What’s up?”

Galen moved in close. “I have a plan. You see, all we have to do to get rid of Max is get him to think he’s—”

“Galen, no plans. Okay? We can’t get rid of Max just yet.”

“What?” Galen asked. “But we’ve been planning this for years!

It was true. The two friends had met the first day they joined the LWP. They instantly hit it off and had been inseparable since. They went on the same missions together and even snuck off into the city together. But the one big thing that they had in common was:

They both hated Max.

Arthur tried his hardest to hide it, since Max would no doubt be mad if he ever found out. But Galen was open about it, sharing his opinions with anyone who would listen. The two had actually successfully created their own group within the LWP called the anti-LWP.

The main goal of the anti-LWP is to take down Max from the inside. Sure all of them had joined the LWP at one point because of what the goals were, but their views had changed. Arthur soon realized that Max didn’t even want to rule the country. He wasn’t the slightest bit interested in it. All he wanted was to get revenge on the leader of the Main, Stefano. Max and Stefano had been childhood friends, but a huge disagreement set them against each other for the rest of their lives. So now Max was out for revenge.

“We’ve been planning this for years,” Galen repeated. “We can finally take action!”

“I know that,” Arthur said. “But we can’t do anything right now. I’ve got a big problem.”

“What is it?” Galen asked, a hint of agitation in his voice. Arthur took out his phone and placed it on the table. It squeaked as he pushed it across the table. Galen took it in his hand and examined it. “What’s wrong with it?”

Arthur leaned in as close as he could. “It’s not mine.” He whispered. Galen gasped and dropped the phone. It made a clattering sound as it met with the table.

“What do you mean it’s not yours?”

“I mean that I dropped my phone last night and picked up this one instead. It’s not mine. Someone must have dropped theirs too and picked up mine instead.”

Galen’s face went pale. “So that means…”

Arthur nodded solemnly. “Whoever has my phone, they’re in grave danger.”

“Max is gonna be pissed when he finds out. He’s gonna think this person stole an LWP phone!”

“Wait a minute,” Arthur said. “When Max finds out? You make it sound like I’m going to tell him about this.”

“You have to, don’t you? Max needs to update your phone once every month.”

“And?”

Galen rolled his eyes. “Max takes everyones phones on the first day of the month in order to reboot the system.” Arthur continued to stare with a confused expression. “Today’s the first day of the month!” Galen hissed. Arthur’s face went pale.

“We gotta get my phone back,” he said. “Now.”

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Drew needed to get rid of the phone, now. He was scared to think of how much trouble he’d be in if he was caught.

It was a Saturday, thankfully, so he didn’t have any classes to go to. He needed to confide in somebody, but who could he trust? He couldn’t go see his girlfriend, Alexa, because she still lived with her parents, and her parents were supporters of the LWP. He couldn’t burst into her house and tell her he had access to an LWP phone. No doubt her parents would over hear the conversation and get upset about the whole situation. No, he couldn’t risk it. He needed someone else.

Colin.

His best friend, Colin. Colin was all for the Main and like Drew, he lived alone. There would be no one there to eavesdrop. It was the perfect idea. Drew hurriedly threw on his jacket and grabbed his house keys. Colin lived only a few blocks away, he wouldn’t need to take the car. He just needed to make it there and back without being seen. If he was caught, he’d be in trouble for sure. He’d most likely be killed. He really didn’t want to find out what happened to people who stole any of the LWP’s property.

Drew was reached for the doorknob, but pulled his hand back hurriedly as he heard someone pounding on the door. He looked through the peep hole and saw two guys standing there, talking. They wore matching blue shirts and jeans along with fancy black shoes. Drew tried to take a breath, but he couldn’t. There seemed to be no air left in his lungs.

They had found him. The LWP had tracked him down. He needed an escape route, and fast.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Fri Aug 19, 2011 7:06 pm
Preachergirl18 says...



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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:55 pm
purpleandblue22 says...



Hi there! Here to review!

Alright, I just have to say that I haven't read chapter one so if I say something that really doesn't apply to the story feel free to ignore it.

Noelle wrote:Arthur wandered in and grabbed a plate. The pale yellow walls of the room always made him sick. 'Who had designed the place anyway?' It was all too bright for him.


Be careful when you are switching from third person to a thought.

There are no other reall issues with the grammar, but this did bother me. Keep in mind, I'm not sure what the LWP or the Main are (spy groups? assasins? consperacies?). All I know is it sounds official and dangerous, but this sceen felt more like competitive summer camps. I can't really explain it. I feel like it was too relaxed for something that official.

Also, wouldn't it make more sence to discuse the distruction of the leader in private, not where anyone could hear you? Why are they still there if they hate the leader? What would Max do if he doesn't get his phone back? What is so dangerous about the phone anyway? What does Max put on all the phones? If they want to take over the world, wouldn't they have a better way of getting money for food? What's the big deal about doughnuts? If they wanted to take over the world, why would common people know about them?

Sorry, this usually helps me when I write so don't be offended.

Over all, it has potential and please keep writing it!

--Bee--
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson
  








"For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein