Young Writers Society

Meeca rushed to her mother's side. Her eyes grew wide with fear as the robots began surrounding them. She broke down, sobbing. It was the end already. "Just end it!" Meeca sobbed. Her mother, Tolomeer, huddled close to her daughter. She hugged Meeca, telling her, "We will live, by the power of God, we will!" Her body still shivering, Meeca did not listen. She blacked out.................

Meeca awoke, her black hair still clinging to her tear-stained face. She looked around quickly, her eyes still wide. "Where's MUMMY?!" she cried out. A robot walked towards her, it's face expressionless. He pulled her up, looking Meeca in the face. "Mummy. Dead." he stated in his blank voice. Meeca's shoulders sagged. Her eyes teared up. She began to cry. "MUMMY'S NOT DEAD, YOU ROBOT!!!!!!" she yelled. "Samathon." the robot stated again, "Samathon. Sam." Meeca nodded, still crying. Samathon laid the poor girl back on the bed gently. Meeca stared at the painting of the sky. Tears still streaming from her eyes, she whispered one thing, "My name is Meeca, Sam." She heard Samathon walk away, his footsteps loud and clear................

"Queen. Queen Meeca." a blank voice said. "Huh-rumre?" Meeca groaned. She looked down at her new clothes, a red, silk gown, stretching to her feet. Her hair had been made into tight black curls, streaming down from her shoulders. She wore sandals made of metal. Her face had been cleansed with some sort of soap. She wore gold hoops on her ears and a love-heart necklace. On her skinny arms hung Pharaoh bracelets, large hoops, to big for her. Perched on top of her head, like an eagle, was a crown, filled with emeralds and rubies and diamonds. Meeca gasped and looked up at the robot. "Mildred. Millie. Mildred." the robot stated. Meeca nodded again. She touched the soft gown tenderly.
"I like Queen Meeca." she said, "It sounds Indian though." Meeca caught herself. What about Mummy? she asked herself, What happened to her? You're queen now, you have a right to know. Meeca laid her hand on the robot's head. "Where is Tolomeer, mother of the queen?" she asked quietly. Mildred bowed and stalked away. Meeca sat there, still wondering what to do when she heard more footsteps. "Mummy?" Meeca looked up slowly, to see her mother still alive, dressed in the same wonderful clothes.
"Thank you. Leave her here and be gone." Mildred stalked away again. Meeca looked around quickly and hurried to her aged mother. Tolomeer grasped Meeca's hand. Her eyes filled with tears. She hugged her daughter, now found. She kissed Meeca on the head, saying, "By the power of God! Amen!" Tolomeer let go of her daughter, still smiling. Then she frowned, seeing the crown perched atop of her daughters black curls. "They've made you queen. Do what's right, Meeca, dear." Tolomeer began to sob. Meeca stood there, speechless. What did she mean do what was right? Did she mean for robots or humans? Meeca broke down. She was confused, why had she become queen? Why not Tolomeer?! Together, mother and daughter cried. "It's too confusing, Mummy!" Meeca sobbed. Tolomeer wiped away her tears, pulling her still sobbing daughter up. "Meeca. You cannot go by the name of Meeca." Tolomeer whispered gently. "But I like Meeca, Mummy." she cried. "Drinmeeca. Queen Drinmeeca. Do what is right for the humans."
After those small words, Tolomeer was swept away by the guard-robots. Mildred approached Drinmeeca, "Queen. What shall we do with her? Tolomeer must be killed for her rebellion against robots." "No." Drinmeeca said defiantly, "She meant for me to kill all humans." "Yes, Queen Meeca." "It's Drinmeeca, Mildred." Drinmeeca said. Mildred kneeled at the queen's feet. She then turned and walked away. Drinmeeca sighed. It was too hard for a girl like this to save human kind.
"I don't want to be queen. I want to be Meeca." Drinmeeca said aloud. "I just don't know how to do that."
"You should just tell them, Drinmeeca." a voice replied. Drinmeeca turned around abruptly, looking for the speaker. A boy, about as young as Drinmeeca, strolled towards her. He was dressed like a king, a satin cape trailing behind him. He wore the same crown, except his was larger, almost too big for his head. He smiled, taking a seat next to her. The strange boy laid his hand on hers, as if they had some relationship. He tried to lean over to kiss her, but she recoiled, confused by his presence. "Who are you to walk in here like that?" Drinmeeca demanded. "I am King Percius, your husband loyal to you." the boy said. "I'm too young to marry! I'm only fourteen! Why should I marry you anyways?" Drinmeeca ranted. Percius smiled, "The Robots ask of it: a young queen and king to rule them all."
"Why humans, though?" Drinmeeca cried out. "Confusing, isn't it, honey?" the boy smiled. Drinmeeca jumped of her chair, screaming. "Don't call me that! I don't want to be queen!" Percius floated down from his throne, strolling towards her. His face was concerned, as if she had some rare disease. Drinmeeca continued to run away from him, tripping on her too long gown. Percius kept walking towards her, his face still concerned. "Drinmeeca, darling, don't you love me? I'm your husband, your only Percius. Your love forever always!" Percius cried out. Drinmeeca looked around frightfully. Where were those doors Tolomeer had gone through?! If I could just find them....
Percius grabbed her shoulders, leaning in to kiss her. Drinmeeca stood there frozen from his icy touch. His lips pressed onto hers, as if they had always been together. Drinmeeca fainted..........

OK, first thing I noticed here is that you kind of abused the ellipsis (...) and your story lacked some of the useful formatting like italics. Italics are particularly useful in emphasizing things and indicating that someone is thinking something. So there where you said,

Where were those doors Tolomeer had gone through?! If I could just find them....

you should have that whole part in italics, like this,

Where were those doors Tolomeer had gone through?! If I could just find them...

This can be achieved via the handy Bcc Code. By the way, here is actually a good place for the ellipsis. The ellipsis indicates that there's more to be said, the writer is just too lazy to say it. The first and last time you used "............." were really just to show passage of time. This can better be shown if you use asterisks in a space between paragraphs, like,
*****************
(that makes for a lot of asterisks, though)

As for the story itself, well, I was confused. I understand that your character is confused, and it certainly helps me sympathize with your character. Still, I have no background here, no clear picture of what's going on, no clear picture of where she is or anything.
I did, however, gather enough of the story to keep pressing through to the end!
It's not too bad from the outside. It's a little ramshackle, but with a few well-placed nails(punctuation changes) and some good lumber (flesh it out), you might have a nice house (novel, story, whatever)!

Hello, hello! GryphonFledgling here to review!

A formatting note really quick: Whenever a new character begins a new line of dialogue, they need to get bumped down into their own paragraph.

Example:
"Dude, this has to be, like, the greatest croissant of all time," Marle said, waving the pastry about.

"Dude," Jeff crooned in agreement.

See that? As is, you have several different people all talking with their dialogue all crammed into one paragraph. It's hard to sort out who is who sometimes.

"MUMMY'S NOT DEAD, YOU ROBOT!!!!!!"

Mmkay, at this point, I didn't know how old Meeca was, so I was actually assuming she was a little kid. After having read the chapter and realized that she was actually fourteen, this seems really childish. Sure, I understand that she's panicking after being thrown into this situation, but still.

A lot of it has to do with how it is written. All-caps tend to look silly. We would understand that she is shouting with an exclamation point. No need to go all-caps-rage on us. Also, just one exclamation point is sufficient. Too many and it starts to look almost like a parody of itself. One point gets the idea across and just looks that much more mature. We still get the impact with the understanding that she is shouting.

"Samathon. Sam."

Why does the robot have a nickname? Nicknames are generally to shorten a name or to indicate familiarity. Robots, having (I assume) perfect memory, wouldn't need to shorten names. Do they understand the concept of familiarity? What is your robots' Artificial Intelligence like? Do they understand emotions?

"I like Queen Meeca." she said,

She is accepting this really, really quickly. Why isn't she freaking out more? I mean, I thought she thought these things were going to kill her. Why is she suddenly all accepting of the fact that she's a queen? Why isn't she questioning why she's alive more? This is just moving waaaaay too quickly into acceptance. I mean, her first thought is how "Queen Meeca" sounds Indian as opposed to whether or not her mother is still alive. It just seems like her priorities are a little out of whack.

Did she mean for robots or humans?

Why is this a question at this point? I mean, doesn't Meeca still hate robots? Why is she wanting to do what's best for them? Seems like there needs to be a longer period of her realizing that the robots aren't going to kill her.

Though, why did she think the robots were going to kill her in the first place? What is the situation in this world that she and her mother thought they were going to die? Where were they? Were they being chased? Were they in their home? Her mom seems really chill with this whole thing too. Why aren't they having to get used to the idea?

"Meeca. You cannot go by the name of Meeca."

Why not?

"Confusing, isn't it, honey?" the boy smiled.

This kid seems pretty chill with this whole thing too. I mean, he tries to kiss her just seconds after meeting her. Granted, it seems like he's been in this situation a bit longer than she has, but seriously, if I were to find out that I was supposed to be a monarch and marry someone I only just met, there would definitely be some hesitation, whether I was a boy or a girl. I mean, there would not be insta-smooching. I would be a little freaked.

Soooo, why do the robots want human monarchs? Why are they trying to kill each other, the humans and the robots? Why Meeca?

Lots and lots of questions. This seems like it could be really interesting. Slooooow down. Take the time to introduce us to things a bit more leisurely. Explain things. Get into the character's heads. Give us a little backstory. It just zooms along so quickly, I don't have anything to latch onto.

Drop me a line on my wall or send me a PM if you have any questions or comments!

Keep on writing!

~Gryph