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The Bronze Challenges (chapter one)



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Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:21 pm
psudiname says...



Chapter One



Kara's lips felt smooth and clean to the touch, which was no surprise given how much money she must have spent on lip balm. She sighed with delight as I kissed her again and began searching through her bag for money or other valuables. I had no interest in forming any sort of non monetary relationship with her, given my current circumstance. That's not to say she wasn't a beautiful girl, but anyone in my position would trade a hundred beautiful girls for a turkey breast.

Finally my hand grasped what felt like a stack of credits and I began planning how to make my escape.



"John," she said, unexpectedly breaking from our embrace, "Do you love me?"



"With all my heart," I lied, without a moment's hesitation. I had become rather good at that, given my level of practice and the necessity for it in my everyday life.



"close your eyes now, I have a surprise for you."



She smiled happily and closed her eyes. It hurt doing this to her, but not as much as my aching stomach.



"Don't peek, it'll be ready in a minute," I said as I finished rifling through her bag, finally finding a datapad. I took one final glance at the girl I had seduced, and then broke into a run, stuffing the datapad into my shirt.



I made my way home, jumping across the rooftops of the miserable city I had the bad fortune to inhabit. I would have taken the roads, but I couldn't take the chance that Kara had alerted every guard in a ten mile radius what I looked like, and out running vespas was not on my list of things I enjoyed doing.



I was almost home, when I noticed a large crowd in the market square. Ordinarily, I would have gone straight home, especially with something as valuable as a datapad, but this was an opportunity I couldn't resist. I put all of my loot down on the rooftop, and jumped down to a back alley, making sure to remember what the building looked like. The familiar scents and sounds of the marketplace filled the air, and a tingle of excitement ran through me as I realized how easy the crowd made my job. Walking slowly for a minute, I scanned the area for anything I could use. At last I spotted a vegetable stand and a man with a satchel, and quickly formulated a plan.



I walked toward him with a spring in my step, partly because I was happy that the day was so profitable, and partly because I was afraid he would walk away, taking my chance at a meal with him. To my delight, he was still engrossed in a lengthy conversation with the vegetable merchant. The whole situation seemed too perfect, but I was not one to question providence. With lightning quick hands, I slipped a head of lettuce into his satchel, and walked a couple paces backwards. When I had made sure no one saw me, I sprung into action.



"That man just stole your lettuce! He's a thief!"



The man turned violently to face me, glaring at me with the anger that the falsely accused usually have.



"He's lying, I stole nothing."



"Yes he did, just look in his satchel!"



As they all instinctively looked at his satchel, I made my move, slipping five tomatoes into my sleeves.



"There's nothing in here but my possessions, see?" the man announced proudly, opening his satchel and showing the entire group of onlookers a stolen head of lettuce. They gasped, and the man selling the vegetables grabbed him by the collar. Clearly not used to being manhandled, the man with the satchel sucker punched the merchant square in the nose. Not seeing or caring how the scene would end, I managed to get a few more carrots, and took off back to the building where I had left the rest of the day's loot.



My abnormally elated mood subsided the moment I got home. June, my fourteen year old sister, was sitting on the hard wooden box we use as a bench mending a pair of pants with some thread. My heart sank.



"June, tell me that thread is not the only thing you lifted today."



"I got the needle too," she answered guiltily.



I sighed in disappointment and sat down next to her on the box, cradling my head in my hands. "We can't survive like this."



"I know, I'll do better next time, I promise," she said, tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.



"That's what you said yesterday, and the day before! You haven't gotten anything more valuable than a piece of celery in over a week! Do you want to starve to death?"



She didn't answer, and sobbed painfully as memories of our parents surfaced. I instantly felt bad about my choice of words. It had only been four years since they had passed away from sickness and lack of sustenance, and each of those years we had only barely made it through to the next one. I didn't want to hurt her any more than the world already had, but the situation looked bleak.



"I don't mean to put so much pressure on you, but collection day is only twenty three days from now. If we are going to survive the couple of weeks after the collector comes around, you need to start getting more valuable things. We can't be indebted to the government again, we barely had enough to eat the last time we let that happen."



She took a couple deep breaths, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I really did try. I almost got a man's wallet, but he caught me, and I spent the day running from guards."



"It's ok," I said, putting my arm around her, "We'll get by. Here, have a tomato."



As we ate our dinner in bitter silence, I remembered one of the things my father told me, when he was only days away from death. You're a damn smart kid, and you have my charisma, and with that combination I believe that you can do anything. If I'm not around, you're the man of the family and I need you to take care of your sister, whatever that takes. As I pondered his words, I worried that I might not be able to keep the both of us fed, and that thought terrified me. With only a fourth of what we needed for collection day I was running out of options. Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win. You can do anything, echoed my father's voice. I hoped to God that that anything included a twenty man fight to the death.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:19 am
TheCrimsonQuill says...



Excellent job!
It was a good thing that you kept it short because a lot of questions rose up in my mind as in how the dad died or where they were. Now, because of these questions, I will read the next chapter :)
I didn't really find any mistakes on this, so you're saved :P
Keep writing!
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler! :
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:35 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Heya hey! GryphonFledgling here to review!

but anyone in my position would trade a hundred beautiful girls for a turkey breast.

It might just be my dirty mind, but I wanted so much more from this line. I mean, you have the word "breast" in the same sentence as "beautiful girls"! C'mon, do something clever with it! Some kind of double entendre, something! It'd show us so much character, if that indeed is how your character would roll. If not, just keep in mind that there are individuals like myself that see this opportunity and weep that you didn't go for it.

"Close your eyes now, I have a surprise for you."


I wasn't sure exactly who was supposed to be talking the first time I read this. Since it's John in a continuation of dialogue, go ahead and attach it to the end of the paragraph above.

I took one final glance at the girl I had seduced

How long has he known this chick? Obviously long enough for her to think that asking if he loved her would have a positive answer. This implies days at least, unless she is really drunk or something. If she were really drunk, why didn't he just steal from her without having to make out with her? Why didn't he get her to buy him food, if she's this open to suggestion? If he's known her for any length of time, why didn't he try to take advantage of food opportunities. I mean, if she's loaded, why not try to coerce her into getting food? She's obviously all over him.

If it hasn't been all that long, why is he bothering to try to make this emotional connection at all? It just seems like a waste of time he could better spend pick-pocketing rich dudes checking their watches, as opposed to taking the time to snog a girl into oblivion while he rifled through her purse. Why not just knock her out and get the money that way?

It hurt doing this to her, but not as much as my aching stomach.

I thought the whole point of this was to just get the loot? Why would it hurt to go through with the plan? Had he formed some kind of emotional attachment? It seemed pretty clear early on that he was just in it for the monetary benefits. Why would he suddenly now grow a conscience about it?

I couldn't take the chance that Kara had alerted every guard in a ten mile radius what I looked like

Exactly. Why bother to give her so much time to get to know what you looked and sounded like, when you could just creep up behind her and sneak the datapad out before she even knew you were there?

"That's what you said yesterday, and the day before! You haven't gotten anything more valuable than a piece of celery in over a week! Do you want to starve to death?"

Wow. Harsh.

While I get that John might be going through a rough time right now, he seems to be doing pretty well thieving on his own. Why can't he support both of them that way?

Maybe this is unfeasible, but from just the first impressions I'm getting here, he's good-looking (or at least charismatic, to get the girl to swoon over him so quickly), a quick thinker/talker, and he's gotten a rather sizable haul of fresh vegetables. Life doesn't seem so bad for him. Then, he comes home to his little sister and the first thing he does is criticize and yell at her. This... makes me not like him.

Show us a little more interaction between the siblings before showing him lose his temper. Show us that this snapping really is out of character, as opposed to a default reaction. First impressions are important and even if he does turn around and feel remorse after that outburst, that outburst was our first impression of his relationship with his sister. It will never go away.

Not to mention his sister is kind of acting like a doormat, acting all guilty despite doing something productive, and then crying at the drop of a hat. Again, they might very well be in mourning still about their parents. But this is our first introduction to these characters. We don't know anything about them, and all we see is this dude yelling and the girl crying. Not great first impressions.

"I don't mean to put so much pressure on you, but collection day is only twenty three days from now. If we are going to survive the couple of weeks after the collector comes around, you need to start getting more valuable things. We can't be indebted to the government again, we barely had enough to eat the last time we let that happen."

Gah, kind of info-dumpy here. They both know this. He doesn't need to tell her this. The only reason it's here is because the audience needs to know it. But it doesn't need to be this blatant. Why not hint at it in the prose, instead of all dumped into one dialogue block? Spread out the information? Have him talk more about the valuable things she needs to be getting rather than the collector. Stuff that they, as characters who both know about the situation, would talk about rather than a character trying to communicate something to an off-screen audience.

Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win.

Ookay, there was no lead-up to this. How long has he been thinking about this? It seems like he just came up with it in a matter of minutes. We don't see any deliberation about it beyond that one line. Why hasn't he thought of this before? Obviously they've been in this scrape before. What's been holding him back? What is the Bronze Challenge? What cultural significance does it have in this story? Is it a big public event? Is it some underground thing? Some more explanation here would be nice before introducing it as the "be all, end all" to solve their problems.

So yeah, I just want to know more about this place at this point. Why are John and June in this situation? What kind of setting is this? Sci-fi? Future? Fantasy? Modern? I wasn't sure where to place it. What is the Bronze Challenge? What happens if they can't manage by collection time? Who is collecting things? The government? Is the government okay with them stealing things? Or do they sell the things they steal and then pay the government? So much information that I want to know. I want to see these characters doing things other than stealing from people. I want to see what got them into this situation, that I should sympathize with them and root for them as they steal from people.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to drop me a PM or a message on my wall!

Keep on writing!

~Gryph
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:38 am
Noelle says...



Hi there!

I think this is a great start. You reeled me in right from the beginning. This chapter reminded me of Aladdin, which is good because it's my favorite Disney movie. ^_^ Anyway, your characters are solid and developed well. I feel for the main character. I feel bad that he has to result to stealing in order to survive.

A couple comments: I think you should've described the world/city they live in. Is this place constantly plagues with theifs? Are the guards really tough? I also think you should've gone into more detail about the Bronze Challenges. Sure, you mentioned at the end that it was a fight to the death, but give us more. Who gets to enter? Why do they have these challenges? What do you get if you win? Give us a little more background information. I also think this sounds more like a prolouge than a first chapter. If it were a chapter, we shoud've given us a little more description. Make sense?

Here's a thing I found to change:
The man turned violently to face me, glaring at me with the anger that the falsely accused usually have.

Is it possible for someone to turn violently? I get what you're trying to say, but I don't think that's the right description. You have great description after that part though, so you can just take out the word 'violently'.

I have a couple corrections for the last paragraph:
As we ate our dinner in bitter silence, I remembered one of the things my father told me, when he was only days away from death:

You're a damn smart kid, and you have my charisma, and with that combination I believe that you can do anything. If I'm not around, you're the man of the family and I need you to take care of your sister, whatever that takes.

As I pondered his words, I worried that I might not be able to keep the both of us fed, and that thought terrified me. With only a fourth of what we needed for collection day I was running out of options. Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win.

You can do anything, echoed my father's voice. I hoped to God that that anything included a twenty man fight to the death.


Overall this is a great start. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:41 am
Flemzo says...



Team Shamrocker Ahoy! First thoughts and suggestions as I go along.

Right off the bat, "clean to the touch" is a weird way to describe someone's lips, expecially when you're kissing someone. I'd think of a better way to describe her lips. Also, there is a hyphen in "non-monetary."

"With all my heart," I lied, without a moment's hesitation. I had become rather good at that, given my level of practice and the necessity for it in my everyday life.



"Close your eyes now, I have a surprise for you."


This can all be one paragraph, since it's the same character speaking. I got confused for a second, since I thought the girl was saying "Close your eyes."

I made my way home, jumping across the rooftops of the miserable city I had the bad fortune to inhabit. I would have taken the roads, but I couldn't take the chance that Kara had alerted every guard in a ten mile radius what I looked like, and out running vespas was not on my list of things I enjoyed doing.


1) "... had the misfortune to inhabit." For better flow.
2) "out running" -- Could either work as "outrunning" or "out-running"
3) Since a Vespa is a vehicle, you'll need to capitalize it.

June, my fourteen year old sister...


When stating ages like this, hyphens are required, since it's an adjective: fourteen-year-old.

I didn't want to hurt her any more than the world already had, but the situation looked bleak.


I would change it to read, "our situation looked bleak." You're on a personal tangent here, might as well run with it the whole way.

In the next paragraph: when writing out numbers, stuff like "23" or "42" will have hyphens: twenty-three.

There's a lot of text the same in your final paragraph, and you don't differentiate between Dad's words and the narrative. I would fix it this way:

As we ate our dinner in bitter silence, I remembered one of the things my father told me, when he was only days away from death: You're a damn smart kid, and you have my charisma, and with that combination I believe that you can do anything. If I'm not around, you're the man of the family and I need you to take care of your sister, whatever that takes. As I pondered his words, I worried that I might not be able to keep the both of us fed, and that thought terrified me. With only a fourth of what we needed for collection day I was running out of options. Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win. You can do anything, echoed my father's voice. I hoped to God that that anything included a twenty man fight to the death.




Overall, very nice work. You included just enough back story to make me care about the characters, but not too much to make it tedious and boring. Excellent stuff. Let me know when you post something new.

KF
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:42 am
LostMagi42 says...



Hello! For a first chapter, This is marvelous. I love the way you switched genres. At first, I thought it was going to be a romance story, but I quickly learned better.

Now for the critique.

First of all, spelling. When it comes to spelling for this story, I give you an A+. There were no spelling mistakes that I found lurking in the corners of this story. Excellent work!

Second, The grade for grammar. There were no grammatical mistakes that I found in this story. Again you astound me with an A+.

Third, the flow of the story. Towards the middle of the page, there was a paragraph that started with some words that threw off the balance of the story.

My abnormally elated mood subsided the moment I got home


This is kind of a mouthful, and it may send readers to a dictionary in the future. So try and avoid that. I will give you a B+ in this section.

Finally, punctuation and capitalization. In the beginning, when the main character says "Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you", the word close was not capitalized, as it should have been. On the contrary, punctuation was fine. I am giving another B+ here.

So here is the report card:

Spelling: A+
Grammar:A+
Flow:B+
Capitalization/Punctuation:B+

Overall grade: A-

An A- is good! Excellent job! I look forward to reading the rest of the story! So, good job, and good luck in future writing!


----LostMagi42
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"There is no spoon"
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- Cookie Monster, may he Rest In Peace

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:54 am
Incognito says...



I'm mainly going to talk to you about your setting because Gryph got all the main plot holes down.

Now I'm sure you know how vital a setting is and you kind of have the outline for it already. But settings are needed to reveal information about the characters not just to help the readers understand what is going on in the story. This story has no setting ideas what so ever. In fact, its really hard to understand what is going on due to that. First off, I'm going to quote Gryph because this is really important.
What kind of setting is this? Sci-fi? Future? Fantasy? Modern? I wasn't sure where to place it.

In this sense, I am unable to figure this out. I'm assuming its some kind of Sci-Fi/Fantasy world due to the clues I picked up. I at first thought it was the future due to the datapad and then was caught off guard with the rooftop running/guards/marketplace. Usually in the future, they would be running from some kind of police for theft. You left a lot of questions unanswered with this and as this is a novel, you really should establish this information quickly.

Just don't info-dump the setting though for that makes the story dull and horribly unentertaining.

You should also work on establishing more descriptions of where they are and what they even look like because I'm at a loss at that too. Describe the town and the roof tops. That will help us figure out what kind of main setting your story takes place in. Describe the inside of their house. I got the point that it is dire crept due to the wooden box. But just try to establish everything more clearly without losing the readers interest.
'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the priviledge.'
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:23 am
LittlePrincess says...



Hello! You will probably be my last review for the night so I am here to give it my all!

Kara's lips felt smooth and clean to the touch, which was no surprise given how much money she must have spent on lip balm. She sighed with delight as I kissed her again and began searching through her bag for money or other valuables. I had no interest in forming any sort of non monetary relationship with her, given my current circumstance. That's not to say she wasn't a beautiful girl, but anyone in my position would trade a hundred beautiful girls for a turkey breast. Already I'm hooked. That was a great opening paragraph because it gives enough insight into the MC to make us interested for more.

Finally my hand grasped what felt like a stack of credits and I began planning how to make my escape.

"John," she said, unexpectedly breaking from our embrace, "Do you love me?"

"With all my heart," I lied, without a moment's hesitation. I had become rather good at that, given my level of practice and the necessity for it in my everyday life.
"close your eyes now, I have a surprise for you."

She smiled happily and closed her eyes. It hurt doing this to her, but not as much as my aching stomach.

"Don't peek, it'll be ready in a minute," I said as I finished rifling through her bag, finally finding a datapad. I took one final glance at the girl I had seduced, and then broke into a run, stuffing the datapad into my shirt. *gasp* What an awful man! Yet I don't dislike him...

I made my way home, jumping across the rooftops of the miserable city I had the bad fortune to inhabit. I would have taken the roads, but I couldn't take the chance that Kara had alerted every guard in a ten mile radius what I looked like, and out running vespas was not on my list of things I enjoyed doing.

I was almost home, when I noticed a large crowd in the market square. Ordinarily, I would have gone straight home, especially with something as valuable as a datapad, but this was an opportunity I couldn't resist. I put all of my loot down on the rooftop, and jumped down to a back alley, making sure to remember what the building looked like. The familiar scents and sounds of the marketplace filled the air, and a tingle of excitement ran through me as I realized how easy the crowd made my job. Walking slowly for a minute, I scanned the area for anything I could use. At last I spotted a vegetable stand and a man with a satchel, and quickly formulated a plan.

I walked toward him with a spring in my step, partly because I was happy that the day was so profitable, and partly because I was afraid he would walk away, taking my chance at a meal with him. To my delight, he was still engrossed in a lengthy conversation with the vegetable merchant. The whole situation seemed too perfect, but I was not one to question providence. With lightning quick hands, I slipped a head of lettuce into his satchel, and walked a couple paces backwards. When I had made sure no one saw me, I sprung into action.

"That man just stole your lettuce! He's a thief!"

The man turned violently to face me, glaring at me with the anger that the falsely accused usually have.

"He's lying, I stole nothing."

"Yes he did, just look in his satchel!" It's a bit unclear who is talking, I had to read it a couple times to understand the situation.

As they all instinctively looked at his satchel, I made my move, slipping five tomatoes into my sleeves. He's so clever!

"There's nothing in here but my possessions, see?" the man announced proudly, opening his satchel and showing the entire group of onlookers a stolen head of lettuce. They gasped, and the man selling the vegetables grabbed him by the collar. Clearly not used to being manhandled, the man with the satchel sucker punched I don't think this expression really fits with the setting but that might just be me.the merchant square in the nose. Not seeing or caring how the scene would end, I managed to get a few more carrots, and took off back to the building where I had left the rest of the day's loot.

My abnormally elated mood subsided the moment I got home. June, my fourteen year old sister, was sitting on the hard wooden box we use as a bench mending a pair of pants with some thread. My heart sank.

"June, tell me that thread is not the only thing you lifted today."

"I got the needle too," she answered guiltily.

I sighed in disappointment and sat down next to her on the box, cradling my head in my hands. "We can't survive like this."

"I know, I'll do better next time, I promise," she said, tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.

"That's what you said yesterday, and the day before! You haven't gotten anything more valuable than a piece of celery in over a week! Do you want to starve to death?"

She didn't answer, and sobbed painfully as memories of our parents surfaced. I instantly felt bad about my choice of words. It had only been four years since they had passed away from sickness and lack of sustenance, and each of those years we had only barely made it through to the next one. I didn't want to hurt her any more than the world already had, but the situation looked bleak.

"I don't mean to put so much pressure on you, but collection day is only twenty three days from now. If we are going to survive the couple of weeks after the collector comes around, you need to start getting more valuable things. We can't be indebted to the government again, we barely had enough to eat the last time we let that happen."

She took a couple deep breaths, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I really did try. I almost got a man's wallet, but he caught me, and I spent the day running from guards."

"It's ok," I said, putting my arm around her, "We'll get by. Here, have a tomato."

As we ate our dinner in bitter silence, I remembered one of the things my father told me, when he was only days away from death. You're a damn smart kid, and you have my charisma, and with that combination I believe that you can do anything. If I'm not around, you're the man of the family and I need you to take care of your sister, whatever that takes. As I pondered his words, I worried that I might not be able to keep the both of us fed, and that thought terrified me. With only a fourth of what we needed for collection day I was running out of options. Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win. You can do anything, echoed my father's voice. I hoped to God that that anything included a twenty man fight to the death.


I'm finding myself very invested in your characters, which is good. Your writing is good as well, the perfect balance of thoughts and actions. I didn't really find anything much in the way of critiques although the story itself is a bit cliche. However, that can change depending on what you do with it so keep up the good work!
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:14 pm
EscapeThat says...



A few things with this;

A. It's very short for a chapter.
B. The is zero build up to the climax.
C. The concept sounds dangerously similar to The Hunger Games trilogy.

I suspect, and please correct me if I'm worng, that you don't quite have enough plot yet but you're rushing into the story regardless. I understand its tempting to put pen to paper (metaphorically speak) when an idea strikes you but its important to have some kind of idea where the story is going and how your going to get there even if you don't spend weeks planning and researching.

Perhaps you need to draw the story together and then come back and completely revise the opening chapter as the story falls apart towards the end and is not quite logical. For instance how has this man seduced a woman in such a short period of time that she trusts him completely? and why would the idea of the Bronze challenge only just hit him after all those years of struggle?

There is potential here but you need to cultivate it in the right way.
  








If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer