Young Writers Society

"Amiria! Amiria wake up! Amiria can you hear me??" I screamed as loud as I could. I had watched her crumple onto the dirt like a sack of potatoes. Her lids fluttered over her beautiful golden eyes and as slipped into unconsiousness I was being dragged, screaming, into the darkening woods.

"Shut up you moron." A gruff voice said from somewhere infront of me. My hands had been tied behind my back and a noose around my neck. I was being pulled harshly by the gruff voice.
"Where are you bringing me? I demand to know." I tried my hardest to make my voice sound calm. I knew by a soft chuckle that I had failed miserably.
"You demand??" his voice was venimous. I heard his footsteps stop and then I felt his warm breath down the nape of my neck. I shivered with fear and at this he laughed louder. I could run. Kick him and run. I had Amiria's knife that she was supposed to use to slay the Oomerématou that lived in the Aloe mansion. I could use it to stab the man and cut myself free. I could run back to Amiria. At the mere thought of her I was overcome with loss.

I miss her. I need her. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I HAVE to get back to her. I have to keep her safe. She is my Angel. Wait, my angel? Where in the world did that come from? What is going on? Why am I thinking about her like this? I tried to hide my confusion from my captor but it was no use.

As if he were reading my thoughts he whispered into my ear, "Ahhh, the girl. You have feelings for her." It wasn't a question, it was a statment. That irked me. How did he know how I felt about her? How did he know what was going through my head. All I wanted was to get back to her, and to impress her. Nothing else. Again as if on cue my captor was at my other ear whispering," You want to impress her. There's only one way to do that though. You need to save her. To be a bad guy once and a while. What if I taught you how to get you're girl. Be my aprentice, learn from me." He was circling around me now, his voice so quiet I had to strain to hear his words."

What am I doing? She wouldn't want this. He does seem to know what he's talking about though. Amiria would tell me to think it through and make sure it's for something that I truly want. I truly want her. I truly need her. I truly love her. I love her. It's that simple, I'm inlove with Amiria. "Can I sit down for a moment to clear my thoughts and be able to give you a good answer." My head was spinning and my heart pounding louder than a bongo drum with this realisation.

It took a total of ten minutes to clear my head and think about the offer.
"Alright." I said in a low voice. Slowly looking up I cocked my head to the left," what do I need to do?

I want to applaud you on your descriptions. However, there are a few things I'd like to comment on.

"Shut up you moron." A gruff voice said from somewhere infront of me.

Typo. It's okay. Happen all the time with me.

"Where are you bringing me? I demand to know." I tried my hardest to make my voice sound calm. I knew by a soft chuckle that I had failed miserably.

Instead of trying to sound calm, why not sound threatening?

"You demand??" his voice was venimous.

Venomous.

"I miss her. I need her. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I HAVE to get back to her. I have to keep her safe. She is my Angel. Wait, my angel? Where in the world did that come from? What is going on? Why am I thinking about her like this? I tried to hide my confusion from my captor but it was no use."

When your character wonders "where in the world did that come from?" put a pause in his line of thoughts to indicate confusion. Or to give the readers a moment to digest info.

"What if I taught you how to get you're girl."

Question mark at the end.

"Be my aprentice"

Apprentice

" He was circling around me now, his voice so quiet I had to strain to hear his words."

Good description. Except, if this guy is circling the main character, then why isn't your main character trying to get away? I know he has a noose around his neck, but maybe he should be trying to escape secretly right now.

"I'm inlove with Amiria."

Little typo. Space in-between "inlove."

"Alright." I said in a low voice. Slowly looking up I cocked my head to the left," what do I need to do?

Good description on this line, and nice touch with "cocked my head to the left." Readers appreciate little things like that. Also, good cliffhanger.

I like the mood you set here, instead of just inserting words like: scared, sad, angry.

Maybe a beginning to your novel would be nice...you can make all you chapters under the same novel. I can teach you if you like. Just message me.

I miss her. I need her. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I "Have"Fix That<------------ to get back to her. I have to keep her safe. She is my Angel. Wait, my angel? Where in the world did that come from? What is going on? Why am I thinking about her like this? I tried to hide my confusion from my captor but it was no use

Over All Great Job

I really liked it!
Good job on the sixth chapter! It wasn't boring and seemed alive. You might need to add some commas but overall I found it exciting, sweet and great!

'I miss her. I need her. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I HAVE to get back to her. I have to keep her safe. She is my Angel. Wait, my angel? Where in the world did that come from? What is going on? Why am I thinking about her like this? I tried to hide my confusion from my captor but it was no use.'--- Best paragraph!

It was really good! Keep up the good work

Great chapter. Interesting imagery. Great use of character development. A bit stop-start in places, but that's ok. The structure is really well organised. Nice tenses you got going on there. Can't wait for chapter 7!

Looking forward to chapter 7!!! Awaiting anxiously! I liked this chapter, a bit sudden about the change of view. Maybe at the beginning of the chapter you could put Astor's P.O.V? And my second piece of criticism is that I think he found fell in love with Amiria so fast. At the beginning you put he thought he was thinking about her differently than he ever had before. And then all of a sudden he was clear he loved her. Maybe you should put that he had daydreamed about it before but put those images at bay because it was foolish? Or something else I don't know.

But apart from those two little tweaks I loved your story. Keep on going. *starts to bite fingernails.* Eagerly waiting for the next chapter.

Deanie x