Young Writers Society

Chapter-1
Here I remember

I am confused whether to take it as a chapter or as an Epilogue by the way how is it???

I looked outside the window. It was dark the Sun hid itself behind the clouds. Mrs. Heckers son was running in his red and white baseball dress and entered crashing through the door. I tapped my feet to the kitchen, “Good Work Eva” I muttered to myself. I had cleaned the kitchen taking two hours; my cousins were here who created a mess now, when they are gone I had to do it. The Refrigerator was clean, I peeped into the dish washer, clean as ever. Next I went to the coffee machine, my cousin Larry left few brown spots on it. He said it was not intentionally but I know him he do this since childhood; creating a mess for me. I went to the machine took out the new coffee filter from the packet, “the coffee” I opened the left closet to the dish washer “No” and remembered where Kisha keep the coffee grounds in the right closet. “I don’t know why she doesn’t keep where I keep them” I murmured to myself. I poured the ground and hit the on button. I started to hear vibration and realized it was my phone.
“Hello Kisha, yea be here in ten minutes and is Ryan coming?” I asked. “Yes” she replied her voice on the phone looked like a hamster “Okay then”. The coffee was also ready I poured the coffee into my mug took my favourite green blanket and sat near the window. I dazed through the window, it was raining now. I tied my golden hair in a pony and took a sip of coffee. “Wao! It’s almost the same” “Eva!” I heard Kisha’ s voice. I ran to the door and saw Kisha and Ryan standing outside. “Why isn’t your door bell ringing?” Ryan asked “I don’t know may be due to rain it happens. They both handed me their raincoats. “Is my coffee ready?” Kisha asked while sitting on the chair. “Yea its there” “My sugar?” they both asked my staring with their jet black eyes. “Yea half tea-spoon each” I smiled. “I should cook muffins” Kisha went to the closets “Is Alain coming?” Ryan asked. “Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in train he will be there in a few moments and the bell rang. “This should be him and how did it ring this time?”
Ryan ran to the door and saw the same old lady wearing the same blue dress and the same white necklace. “Mrs. Heckers!” “Oh my dear Ryan how are you? Sorry I am in hurry, is Eva around? ” “Don’t worry I know for what you have come here? For Aces right” “Yes thanks” she blushed and handed Ryan a black dull kitten; Aces to him.
“Why this women always hands you this and does she has only one piece of cloth?” Ryan asked from me. “Yes I guess leave Aces down”. “Eva!” a deep voice called. “I will get it Ryan” Kisha replied drinking her last sip of coffee. “Me too”. I opened the door. “Alain!” Ryan tightly hugged him. “Hi bro!”, “Hello Alain” Kisha looked at him and gave a wicked smile. “Hello Kisha, good to see you, you also deserve a hug” They both giggled “Hi Eva how are you?” Alain asked. “Good, I am good” we hugged each other. “Off! It raining too hard” Alain shivered. I heard the thundering and falling of rain drops I gazed at Aces who was playing with its toy rat. “It’s just like the other night twenty years ago” Kisha smiled. “Yea same rain, same thundering” Ryan hesitated and handed the coffee to Alain. “Yup! And same we” Alain smiled his red lips “I wish we didn’t get that play Hamlet” “Our lives would have been different” Kisha said while taking out the muffins from microwave. I dazed at all of them and wrapped my blue pashmina around me “Yes I still remember it twenty years ago May 23, 2011”

I like this and I see where you were going with it. But you have to hook me with the first sentence.

Starting off with:

I looked outside the window. It was dark the Sun hid itself behind the clouds.

..is just way to bland for my liking. Maybe play with it a little, to grab people's attention. Also use it as a Chapter, not an Epilogue. The Epilouge is a teaser and makes a reader want to read the book to find out what got the characters to that certin point in the Epilogue. This doesn't do it.

Other than that I really liked it

Hope I was any help

Happy Writing!

This is great. What an imagination you have! This was very entertaining to read but the only thing that threw me off was around the second paragraph:

“Hello Kisha, yea be here in ten minutes and is Ryan coming?” I asked. “Yes” she replied her voice on the phone looked like a hamster “Okay then”. The coffee was also ready I poured the coffee into my mug took my favourite green blanket and sat near the window. I dazed through the window, it was raining now. I tied my golden hair in a pony and took a sip of coffee. “Wao! It’s almost the same” “Eva!” I heard Kisha’ s voice. I ran to the door and saw Kisha and Ryan standing outside. “Why isn’t your door bell ringing?” Ryan asked “I don’t know may be due to rain it happens. They both handed me their raincoats. “Is my coffee ready?” Kisha asked while sitting on the chair. “Yea its there” “My sugar?” they both asked my staring with their jet black eyes. “Yea half tea-spoon each” I smiled. “I should cook muffins” Kisha went to the closets “Is Alain coming?” Ryan asked. “Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in train he will be there in a few moments and the bell rang. “This should be him and how did it ring this time?”

This just seemed jumbled up a little. I was confused on who the characters were, and what exactly was going on. I noticed you left out some punctuations too, for example:

“I should cook muffins.” Kisha went to the closets.

There should be a period after muffins, and after closets.

Though I absolutely loved it. Keep writing!

Hey! Rahul

Your plot is good, but it’s the first sentence as Rock n' Roll Queen said that grips the reader and yours didn’t really fulfill its purpose. You really need to spice this up, make the readers addicted to it; make it so good that they can’t wait for your next chapter (you get the meaning, right?).

Coming to your narration- it’s all so jumbled up; I couldn’t even concentrate on who was saying what to who! You need to space it out. Give the reader some idea of what’s going on, give them some clue. This was like I was reading a rough draft without any editing, just a raw idea. (Don't get me wrong, your idea was great but it's the way you project it that matters) You really need to concentrate on that as well as your descriptions. Describe the emotions the characters are feeling, show us their expressions, their body language, their small habits so as for the reader to identify them, know them and they stay in the reader’s mind even after they have finished reading.

I looked outside the window. It was dark the Sun hid itself behind the clouds. Mrs. Hecker's son was running in his red and white baseball dress and (the conjuction you need to use here is ''as'' and not ''and'') he entered crashing through the door. I tapped my feet to (''on'' not ''to'') the kitchen floor, “Good Work Eva” I muttered to myself. I had cleaned the kitchen taking two hours; my cousins were here who created a mess now, when they are gone I had to do it. What are you trying to say?
Thi sentence is all wrong. Write something like this-

I had already cleaned the kitchen and the tedious work took two hours; my cousins were here and when they go I'll have to do it all again.

(break for next paragraph here) The Refrigerator was clean, I peeped into the dish washer, clean as ever. Next I went to the coffee machine, my cousin Larry left few brown spots on it. He said it was not intentionally but I know him he do this since childhood; creating a mess for me. Your sentence is grammatically wrong. You can write something like this-

I knew him since the day that little devil was born and all he could do for me was just create a mess.

I went to the machine and took out the new coffee filter from the packet, “the coffee”(this isn't really necessary) I opened the left closet to the dish washer “No” (this isn't really necessary) and remembered where Kisha keep (''kept'' not '' keep) the coffee grounds in the right closet. “I don’t know why she doesn’t keep where I keep them” I murmured to myself. I poured the ground and hit the on button. I started to hear vibration and realized it was my phone.

“Hello Kisha, yea be here in ten minutes and is Ryan coming?” I asked.
(break for next line) “Yes” she replied her voice on the phone looked like a hamster full stop You can't see someone's voice?!
(break for next line)“Okay then”.
(break for next line) The coffee was also ready I poured the coffee into my mug took my favourite green blanket and sat near the window. I dazed through the window, it was raining now. I tied my golden hair in a pony and took a sip of the [hot/delicious/thick/black](use an adjective to describe the coffee) coffee. “Wao! It’s almost the same”full stop
(break for next line) “Eva!” I heard Kisha’ s voice. I ran to the door and saw Kisha and Ryan standing outside. (break for next line)“Why isn’t your door bell ringing?” Ryan asked
(break for next line)“I don’t know may be due to rain it happens. This isn't a poem where you can change the order of words to suit your liking. This sentence should be written like-

I don’t know comma may be it happens due the to rain .

(close inverted commas) They both handed me their raincoats.
(break for next line) “Is my coffee ready?” Kisha asked while sitting on the chair.
(break for next line) “Yea its there”
(break for next line) “My sugar?” they both asked my(''me'' not ''my'') comma staring with their jet black eyes.
(break for next line)“Yea half tea-spoon each” I smiled.
(break for next line) “I should cook muffins” Kisha went to the closets full stop
(break for next line) “Is Alain coming?” Ryan asked.
(break for next line)“Yea I called him, he said there’s a problem in the train comma he will be there in a few moments(close inverted commas) and the bell rang. “This should be him and how did it ring this time?”

Ryan ran to the door and saw the same old lady wearing the same blue dress and the same white necklace. “Mrs. Heckers!” “Oh my dear Ryan how are you? Sorry I am in hurry, is Eva around? ” “Don’t worry I know for what you have come here? For Aces right” “Yes thanks” she blushed and handed Ryan a black dull kitten; Aces to him.

“Why this women always hands you this and does she has only one piece of cloth?” Ryan asked from me. “Yes I guess leave Aces down”. “Eva!” a deep voice called. “I will get it Ryan” Kisha replied drinking her last sip of coffee. “Me too”. I opened the door. “Alain!” Ryan tightly hugged him. “Hi bro!”, “Hello Alain” Kisha looked at him and gave a wicked smile. “Hello Kisha, good to see you, you also deserve a hug” They both giggled “Hi Eva how are you?” Alain asked. “Good, I am good” we hugged each other. “Off! It raining too hard” Alain shivered. I heard the thundering and falling of rain drops I gazed at Aces who was playing with its toy rat. “It’s just like the other night twenty years ago” Kisha smiled. “Yea same rain, same thundering” Ryan hesitated and handed the coffee to Alain. “Yup! And same we” Alain smiled his red lips “I wish we didn’t get that play Hamlet” “Our lives would have been different” Kisha said while taking out the muffins from microwave. I dazed at all of them and wrapped my blue pashmina around me “Yes I still remember it twenty years ago May 23, 2011”

I haven't corrected the last two paragraphs and for that I'm sorry but I have some technical problems with my crappy computer but if you want I'll try and do it for you. Although I think you'll get the idea once you read it with respect to all the comments, but you still need to work on your grammar, punctuation and sentence construction. You also need to work on your descriptions as I said before, for example you said that it's raining outside and that's when Kisha and Ryan enter the house so with that in mind tell us something about their appearance, how does their voice sound and small things like that.

The idea is great, just work on it some more and you'll the results. PM me if you need any help and hope my critique helps you...

Keep writing...

-moon-

Hey!

So, Moon here has pretty much given out a wonderful review. ^^

The main thing as she said, is that it looks like a draft. Present it to the readers, so that they can enjoy the read. I'm not going to nitpick, since you already got some good reviews. I'll give some quick comments.

Plot : I like where you're going with it, but maybe, pause and show it to us in a more organize bit?

Dialogue : Most of your story was dialogue and using dialogue can be a very effective way of story telling as long as it's presented well. Thing is, I got confused as to who said what midway through the chapter. Not good, ja? So, try spacing it out and clearly playing the scene in your head.
Also, the dialogue seems a bit forced/unnatural. Try to show out the personality of each character through dialogue. It shouldn't read like they all sound the same. Give them some unique traits. Make it so that it is perceptible by the readers.

Character : I think you can do a lot more with your characters. They seem like a happy, colourful bunch, and exploit this to your best ability. Make it in such a way that the reader gets to know more about your character, his little quirks and interests besides physical appearance.

Grammar : I noticed some awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, but that's not a big deal. Keep writing and editing and these will improve! Also, YWS has a great tutorial forum where you can read some wonderful articles by other YWSers which will help you out.

Good luck and keep writing!
Cheers!
~Lava

Ryan ran to the door and saw the same old lady wearing the same blue dress and the same white necklace. comma “Mrs. Heckers!”
(break for next line)“Oh my dear Ryan how are you? Sorry I am in hurry, is Eva around? ”
(break for next line)“Don’t worry I know for what you have come here? For Aces comma right” That sentence is a bit wrong. Write something like this-

Don’t worry comma I know why are you here?

(break for next line)“Yes thanks” she blushed and handed Ryan a black dull kitten; Aces to him. You already wrote "handed Ryan" so you don't need to write "to him", just end the sentence with Aces. Like this-

“Yes thanks” she blushed and handed Ryan a black dull kitten; Aces.

“Why this women always hands you this (You don't use just "this" when you refer to an animal, add the name of the animal or some adjective.Only "this" sounds a bit odd. Write- "the cat/this kitten" -or something of that sort) and does she has (Stop changing the tense. "have" is the correct word in the sentence according to your tense.) only one piece of cloth?” Ryan asked from me.
(break for next line)“Yes I guess comma leave Aces down”.
(break for next line)“Eva!” a deep voice called.
(break for next line)“I will get it Ryan” Kisha replied drinking her last sip of coffee. (This sounds a bit odd. Write something like-

Kisha replied, gulping down the last drop of the coffee(optional) as she stood up.

(break for next line)“Me too”. I opened the door. (Put a comma instead)“Alain!”
(break for next line)Ryan tightly hugged him. comma “Hi bro!”, full-stop
(break for next line)“Hello Alain” Kisha looked at him and gave a wicked smile.
(break for next line)“Hello Kisha, good to see you, you also deserve a hug comma” They both giggled full-stop
(break for next line)“Hi Eva how are you?” Alain asked.
(break for next line)“Good, I am good” we hugged each other.
(break for next line) “Off! It's raining too hard” Alain shivered.
(break for next line)I heard the thundering and falling of rain drops I gazed at Aces who was playing with its toy rat. “It’s just like the other night twenty years ago comma” Kisha smiled.
(break for next line)“Yea same rain, same thundering comma” Ryan hesitated and handed the coffee to Alain.
(break for next line)“Yup! And same we comma” Alain smiled his red lips full-stop (You don't smile your lips, that sentence is a bit wrong) Write something like-

Alain's full red lips spread across his face creating a beautiful smile.

(break for next line)“I wish we didn’t get that play Hamlet full-stop”
(break for next line)“Our lives would have been different comma” Kisha said while taking out the muffins from microwave. I dazed("dazed"means surprised or bemused and I thinks the word you wanted here is probably "gazed") at all of them and wrapped my blue pashmina around me comma “Yes I still remember it twenty years ago May 23, 2011”

So here are the nitpicks in the last two paragraphs as promised. By-the-way great to meet another Indian on YWS, you are an Indian though, right? Saw the name and all so... Anyway see you around and PM me if you need any help.

As always, keep writing...

-moon-