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Young Writers Society


Hunted ch. 12



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Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:51 pm
tgirly says...



Spoiler! :
Changing the order a little bit.


I glare out the window. Mitch glares ahead as she drives. Silas glares at me. Everyone's in a glaring mood. Well, actually, Mitch is the only one in a glaring mood. Silas and I are in a knock-out-eachothers'-lights mood. But we have to settle for glaring.
You could hear a pin drop. Which is odd, when you have Aya and Charlie around. They're usually pretty big talkers. Alina, not so much.
I glance at Mitch. She glances at me her face softens, and she gives a little smile. I feel like fireworks are going off inside me. But it's only for a moment. She looks back at the road, and hardens again.
"Having Billy here makes me miss Brett," Silas says.
"It' that what your name's really short for?" Charlie asks, "It's not Bilbo but Billy?"
"I hate the name Billy," I say, "And my name's not Billy or Bilbo. It's Bill. What do you people not understand about that?"
"Maybe we should just call 'im Bretty," Silas says, a snicker on his face. Mitch screeches to a halt. We all look at her in surprise.
"He is NOTHING like Brett," Mitch says icily.
"He's EXACTLY like Brett," Silas says, in the same icy tone, "I bet he even fights like him." Alina murmurs something from the back. I catch the words, "find out." Everyone ignores whatever it was.
"Doubtful, Si. I can't think of a single way that he's like Brett," Mitch says, "besides the fact that he annoys you, and a lone snowflake could find some way to annoy you."
"Silas?" Alina says.
"He's self-centered," Silas says, "He's pathetic, he's lazy, he can't watch, he-"
"Talks about people in third person when they're sitting right in front of him," I say.
"Don't start with me, Brett-Boy," Silas says. I return his gaze unwaveringly, challenging. I'm about to reply, when Aya helps Alina out.
"Guys!" she yells.
"What?" Mitch says, sounding ready to punch someone. Alina points out the back window. a familiar, beat-up, dark grey bus is pulled up behind us. It's Them.
"How good are you fighting one on one?" Mitch asks Charlie. Charlie just looks scared.
"Can you shoot a gun?" Mitch asks. As if in answer, They open fire. We all hit the ground as the back window shatters.
"Everyone out!" Mitch says. She doesn't have to say it twice.
Mitch is among Them before I've gotten my seat belt off. It's a terrifying beauty, to watch her fight. They all try to converge on her, but They don't try to shoot her, in case They hit one of Their own, she moves so fast. She keeps on her toes, always moving, always alert. She elbows one in the ribs, then grabs another's head and smashes it with all her strenth on her knee. Another guy comes at her from behind, but she twists and grabs his arm and twists in behind his back, kind of like she did with Silas the day we fought.
Silas joins her now, punching a girl who was about to hit Mitch from behind. I guess manners don't matter when people are trying to kill you.
"Hey," Silas says, as he punches someone in the gut, "Bilbo... fight!" I run over. I'm not as great as Mitch or Silas, but I get the job done. I see Mitch throw a gun towards the younger kids who are waiting by the van. Alina grabs it and starts taking extremely careful aim, making sure she doesn't hit one of us. For a second, I question the saneness of giving guns to little kids, but then I have a fist whizzing towards my head, and I have to get out of the way.
I'm about to block another dude's kick, but suddenly he has an odd expression, and drops to the ground. Charlie's standing behind him.
"What did you do?" I ask Charlie. I'd never known Charlie to be violent. It scared me that the guy on the ground wasn't moving.
"Pressure points," Charlie says, "He's still alive."
"Behind you!" Mitch shouts. Charlie and I duck and roll. I look up, but there's no one behind me. I hear a stream of curses, and see Silas pummeling someone while hopping on one foot. The sight is as hilarious as it sounds. I make a mental note to laugh about that later.
Strong arms come from behind and start choking me. I kick the guy in the shins. The person lets go, and I spin around to see that it's the girl I saw earlier at the river. She sweeps my leg out from under her. She aims her gun. I start rolling.
Bang!
I get out of the way just in time and jump to my feet. I punch the girl as hard as I can. The girl grabs my wrist before it reaches her. Still holding my wrist, she gets behind me. Forcing me to my knees, she dislocates my shoulder. She leans over me to see my face. I utter a wordless scream. She stares at me with those cold, dark eyes in that pale face. Her eyes are expressionless, but her mouth is curled in a sick smile, as if she enjoys watching me suffer. I wonder for a second if she's entirely human.
"Kira!" someone shouts. She's gone. I gratefully black out.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Wed Aug 31, 2011 3:57 am
Apple says...



Hellooo! ^.^ I'll be your reviewer today so I hope you're ready for an absolute fan-girl squeal because I just love this!

Oh lordy, oh lordy! This is so good. The fighting scene, the talking scenes and the character interractions are just all so thought out they make me want to start giggling like a four year old. I have to fan myself with a pamphlet because for some reason your story has given me a rush. It helps that I'm listening to rock music as I read but still ,I've been punching the air and screaming "Mitch" over and over non-stop. Scary, but true! Now even though I am of a fan of this story and your writing, I still picked up on some things that I think you know know.

Your main problem is that you tell and not show - though (yes, there is a though) it is only some areas. When you have dialouge flying through, your words travel more smoothly otherwise when you dump a whole heap of info on me (like in the fight scenes) I feel like it truly comes out. Don't worry, this usually always happens with most writers. It's pretty hard to show someone who isn't the MC fighting but it is possible so don't stress. I suggest adding in thoughts. Your character admires this Mitch and if I was him then I would to. Because she is a very cool character, I really want to stress that! Anyways, when its the part when Mitch is kicking Them's butt, add in some of the character's thoughts.

She makes a kick: 'Her legs are so long and firmly built, I wouldn't want to be hit with one of those!'

Now that has to be one of the worst examples in the world but you get my point! Place more admiring in their but then don't place too much because it will go overboard and then you'll have people complaining about that aspect. What can I say? Writing is a pain but by Jove it is fun! Just moderate and it'll work out. It's a tricky thing but you'll get it. Trust me!

The second and final nitpick is that your sentence structure feels a little loose. Like you haven't knitted every together. Sometimes it feels as if you've just left it hanging and this is not what you want. What you as a writer desire is that every sentence will have a red ribbon tied around the last word in the sentence so that its not only finished but God dam sexy (in other words: good). The only thing I can suggest to you is going over with a red pen, reading aloud every single sentence and not being afraid to butcher out text. I know it seems terrible getting rid of hours and hours of writing but if it doesn't fit then there is not use keeping it. Just save it in another document. Remember, it's not what you want but what the reader wants. To a degree. You should write what you want but...yeah...just ignore my rambling. I am not making any sense.

Anyways, I really did like this story. So I haven't read the other chapters but I can garuntee that I will go over them now. When you have the next chapter up make sure you shoot me a PM or post on wall. Don't forget...Anyways, thanks for the good read. I hope my review helped somewhat.

-Apple.
I spy!
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:50 pm
IcyFlame says...



TG!
Happy review day from Team Gryffindor!
Let's see what we have here *pushes enormous spectacles back*
tgirly wrote:I glare out the window. Mitch glares ahead as she drives. Silas glares at me. Everyone's in a glaring mood. Well, actually, Mitch is the only one in a glaring mood. Silas and I are in a knock-out-eachothers'-lights mood. But we have to settle for glaring.

Woah, woah, woah, hold on a second! Repeating 'glare' worked just about... up until the the point you added the 'well actually'. It gets boring, which isn't a great start to a chapter!
The next thing I'm going to pick up on is your use of capitalization. For instance:
tgirly wrote:"He's EXACTLY like Brett," Silas says, in the same icy tone, "I bet he even fights like him."

This may just be me, but I think the capitals make it look tacky. Try turning them into italics instead:
tgirly wrote:He's exactlylike Brett," Silas says, in the same icy tone, "I bet he even fights like him."

You also need to watch the way you formulate your speech. Especially in this particular sentence. Changing the comma for a full stop would render it looking like this:
tgirly wrote:He's exactlylike Brett," Silas says, in the same icy tone. "I bet he even fights like him."

Much neater, huh? Just take the time to flick through and check that that hasn't happened many more times.
Lastly, I wasn't too fond of your ending sentence. I think it's much less powerful than the penultimate one, and as a result leaves the end of the chapter seeming a little anti-climatic. If I were you I would remove it altogether.
That's all I have for nitpicks but sorry if that sounded a little harsh! I tend to focus on the improvements rather than the good aspects because I know that's how people get better.
Keep on writing.
Icy.
  








shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
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