Young Writers Society

Thunder pounded overhead as Jasmine trenched through the rain, umbrella looming over her head like a small black cloud. The bitter wind went straight through her thin jacket, sending violent shivers down Jasmine's back. As if this day couldn't get any worse. She was heading back from school, where she had once again been bullied. Stupid, petty teenage girls. They teased her everyday about her clothes, which were hand-me-downs, and about her family, and pretty much everything else about her. Jasmine scoffed silently to herself, trying to stop the tears that were about to roll down her face. Suddenly a car flashed past her, spraying rainwater all down the side her body.
"You've got to be freaking kidding me!?" She screamed, clenching his hands into fists.

*******************

"So was that her?" Kevin asked his sister, who was staring intently at the road.
"Yes. Now we just have to wait for her to get home, see her dead family and then make our move." Kendra replied. A small smirk appeared on her lips, just adding to the evil look on her face. Kevin leaned away slightly from his twin sister, suddenly nervous. She was prone to acts of violence when she looked like that. Kevin wasn't sure his sister should be on this assignment, since she was so close to this project emotionally. Kevin felt sorry for this Jasmine girl; her life was about to become hell.

********************

Jasmine unlocked her front door, finally making it out if the rain.
"Hey, I'm home!" She called into the haouse. Her voice fell on silent air, and alarm bells started going off in her head.
"Hello?" She said, taking a couple steps into the house. The car was still in the driveway, so they must be home. Thunder roared again and suddenly the house lights shuddered off.
"Mom? Dad?" Jasmine cried out, her voice shaky. The hairs on her arms and neck were raised, and her heart was racing. Something wasn't right. Jasmine finally felt her way into the living room. The curtains were wide open, letting in a little bit of light from outside.
"Guys!? Where are you?!" She cried, and then tripped over a large object. Jasmine turned around to see what it was and saw her father, eyes wide and mouth open in a silent scream, and blood trailed down his face. Jasmine let out a bloodcurdling scream and backed away from him and ran into something else: her mother. She was laying on her face, but Jasmine could see the gashes in her back and the blood everywhere.
"Jasmine..." Her mother then whispered, her voice barely audible.
"Mom? Mom, you're still alive! I'll call 911..." Jasmine started but her mother grabbed her hand. Jasmine wanted to pull away from the warm wetness of her mother's hand but stayed put.
"Run away. Far away. Find...James...." Her mother then went limp.
"Mom? Mom!? Mom!!!!!" Jasmine screamed, tears rolling down her cheeks as much as the rain was outside. Suddenly, the front door banged open from down the hall.
"Hello? Is anyone here?" A voice called out, waving a flashlight around. Jasmine ducked down and sneak into a different room.
'Get out of the house now.' A voice said in her head. Jasmine jumped and looked around, but couldn't find the source of the voice.
'Quit dawdling. Get out now!' The voice repeated. Jasmine paused, debating whether or not to listen to the voice in her head, or to stay put and be taken to an asylum since she was obviosly going crazy. She could hear footsteps heading towards her and several voices on the other side.
"Have you found her yet?" One of them said. It was a woman's voice and Jasmine could feel her maliciousness through the door.
"Not yet Ma'am. But she hasn't left the house yet. We have guards posted outside." Another voice replied.
'That's not good. We've got to find another way out.' the voice in Jasmine's head growled quietly. Jasmine nodded and then crawled over to the nearby closet and pushed away several of the boxes. Behind them was a small door, just large enough for Jasmine to fit through.
'That works.' the voice said. Jasmine nodded and carefully opened the door and slipped through. The small crawlway was lightless and Jasmine could hear the squeaks of mice farther down. She swallowed and then headed forward. She would rather face the rats that whatever that woman was on the other side of the door.

*********************

"Where is she?!" Kendra growled, talking to the captain of the Black Ops Squad.
"We don't know Ma'am. We're still trying to locate her." He replied. HE tried hard to hide the fear in his voice, but he was in fact terrified of this woman. He had heard too many rumors.
"How could a 17 year old girl get away from a highly trained Black Ops unit!?" Kendra snarled, but Kevin placed her hand on her shoulder.
"Remember who her help is. That is much more talented that a Black Ops unit." He said. Kendra glared at her brother, but then nodded. He was right, and she should be more patient. They would catch her, eventually.

*********************

Jasmine finally made it to the end of the tunnel, covered in cobwebs and who knows what else.
'Good job, now just be careful getting out.'
"This leads all the way to my neaighbor's basement. We should be okay." Jasmine replied, and opened the door in fron tof them. The basement was freezing cold and Jasmine shuddered as she placed her feet on the concret floor.
'We've got to get out of town.' The voice then ordered.
"Out of town?" Jasmine whispered, heading upstairs.
'Yes.'
"Why?"
'Just get some place safe first and then we'll talk.'
"Fine." Jasmine sighed and headed out the backdoor.
"Hey you!" An unfamiliar voice called out. Jasmine bolted off without looking back.

***************

"Hm, maybe calling out to her wasn't such a good idea." Nathan mused to himself, watching the girl run off.
"Maybe. Now go follow her and make sure she gets out of town before Kevin and Kendra catch her." his mentor's voice crackled through the earpiece.
"Yes sir." Nathan replied, chasing after the girl.
"And keep a look-out for Kay. He should be around." His mentor said.
"Why is Kay here?" Nathan asked. Not that he held any grudge against Kay, but he was always getting in the way when it was time for Nathan to shine.
"He just happened to be in the area. You know Kay, always wandering."
"True." Nathan laughed quietly and then focused on his goal. He galnced around, looking for the usual black suited army guys that was under payment of Kendra.

****************

'We're being followed.' The voice said.
"I thought that was obvious." Jasmine replied, panting. She wasn't used to running this much.
'No, it's someone new. The person that shouted at you earlier. I can't tell whether or not he's good or bad though.'
"Great." Jasmine said and then stopped as she approached the road.
"The train station is on the other side of this street, but down a couple of blocks. The next train leaves a 4:00, and it's 3:56 right now. The next train isn't till 5:30." Jasmine explained.
'Good, then let's hurry.' The voice ordered and Jasmine started down the street awas, pulling her hood up over her head.

**************

"Where is she!?" Kendra screetched, throwing several books at the captain.
"We found a small crawlway that leads to the neighbors house. She must've have gone out that way. The only exit out of town is the train station so that's where she must be heading." The captain replied, neatly dodging the books.
"Then go get her!" Kendra hissed and then whirled around and headed out the door.
"Come one Kevin, we're going after her." She ordered. Kevin followed behind hastily and gave an apologetic look to the captain on the way out. The two got into the car and Kendra drove off, tires squealing on the wet pavement.
"Where's the train station?" Kendra asked, her voice tight.
"Turn at the next right and it's down about 50 yards. There's no way she can get there before us." Kevin said, tacking on the last sentence for his sister's benefit.
"Of course she won't. I won't let her." Kendra snarled, and violently turned the car around the corner, almost hitting several other people.

******************

Nathan followed the girl down the street, looking around for any enemies. He could sense their presence, but he couldn't seem to locate them.
"Sir, we haven't got much time left. They're coming, and I don't know if she'll make it on time." Nathan reported.
"Then make her run." His mentor ordered.
"How?" Nathan replied, but then remembered the cold, solid object hooked into his belt.
"You know how." His mentor replied. Nathan sighed and grabbed the gun. He cocked it once and then fired into the air. Everyone around screamed and dropped to the ground. The girl spun around, eyes wide in fear. Nathan faked a sly smirk and pointed the gun at her. As he fired, she dodged into oncoming traffic, elicting several honks and cars screeching to a stop.
"Run." Nathan whispered to himself then pulled out a smoke bomb and swiftly disappeared from sight.

*******************

Kendra saw the billow of smoke rise up into the air.
"They're here." She growled and pressed down on the gas pedal. Kevin looked around, but could see them anywhere. Unfortuantly for him, they were masters of disguise.
"I can't believe they're already hear." He said to himself.
"They must have hacked into one of our communication lines...again." Kendra snarled. Her eyes were alight in anger."That James, next time I see that traitor, I'm going to make sure he dies this time." Kevin didn't say anything, just returned his eyes to the streets, scanning them for the girl.

******************

Jasmine crashed through the train station doors, her heart in her throat.
'That was close.' The voice sighed. Jasmine nodded and approached the ticket window.
"One ticket for the 4:00 train." Jasmine breathed. The man behind the counter looked through his books and smiled.
"Lucky for you I have one available seat left. Here you go ma'am." He heanded her a ticket and Jasmine left without another word. She quickly headed over to where the train was just now coming in.

********************

Nathan entered into the train station and nodded at the man behind the counter and headed to the train. The crowd of people kept the girl hidden from sight, and he had his fingers crossed, hoping that she would get on that train.

**********************

Kevin and Kendra entered, Kendra fuming.
"Where is she?" Kendra hissed, acting like a wild animal now. Kevin patted his sister's shoulder and pointed to the train.
"THERE SHE IS!" Kendra screamed and bolted forward, Kevin trailing after her.

**********************

"THERE SHE IS!" A voice screamed. Jasmine looked behind her and saw two figures racing towards her.
"Dang it!" Jasmine panicked and pushed people to get on the train. Suddenly a warm hand grabbed hers and pulled her on. Jasmine looked up and saw a man with grey hair, spiked up and a bandana covering one eye.
"Who...?" She started to ask, but he just smiled at her and walked off the train.
Jasmine watched his figure disappear into the crowd and then walked over to an empty seat on the train.

*********************

"THERE SHE IS!" Nathan heard Kendra shouted and spotted the two running over towards the train and he dashed over to stop them when a familiar figure appeared off the train.
"Kay." Nathan said, almost sighing with relief.

**********************

Kendra finally reached the crowd when a figure stepped in front of her.
"Sorry, the train's full. I'm afraid you can't get on." He said to her.
"Kay." Kendra snarled, backing up. He looked at her with mild amusement, and then spotted Nathan.
"Hey Nathan! Come join the party!" He waved. Kendra turned around and saw the blonde haired prodigy walking up behind them.
"This isn't good." Kevin whispered. Kendra huffed in annoyance and then pulled out a smoke bomb out of her pocket.
"Maybe next time." She said, her voice dripping with bloodthirst. The twins disappeared in a giant could of purple smoke.

******************

Jasmine pulled out her ipod and plugged in the headphones.
'Get some sleep Jasmine.' the voice ordered. Jasmine didn't reply, but closed her eyes and quietly cried to herslef.

Hi there!

Wow...this is great! I was reading through this, my eyes glued to the screen; I didn't want to stop reading! These are the kind of stories I like, the ones where the main character has both bad and good guys chasing them and they're not sure which side is the good one. It adds a little bit of mystery to it, I guess. The reader knows who's good, but the main character doesn't. Wait, isn't that dramatic irony? I was never good in English with all the irony stuff.

Anyway, reading through this is have some corrections/nitpicks to point out to you. There's quite a few, but I figure since this is a novel you'd want to know the mistakes you made. So, here goes:

The bitter wind went straight through her thin jacket, sending violent shivers down Jasmine's back, as if this day couldn't get any worse

You should combine these two sentences because the second sentence isn't really a complete thought. If you would've had Jasmine thinking, "Great, as if this day could get any worse!" that would've been okay. But because you used it in the narration, it needs to be combined with another sentence.

She was heading back from school, where she had once again been bullied.

This sentence sounds weird to me. I see you want to tell us that Jasmine gets bullied in school, but I think you should say it a different way. Like have tears streaming down her face and say she was crying because of what the girls said to her at school. You know what I mean?

"So was that her?" Kevin asked his sister, who was staring intently at the road.

"Yes. Now we just have to wait for her to get home, see her dead family and then make our move." Kendra replied.

This is good for intorducing another set of characters, but I think you should've left the one part out about her dead family. Without this bit of imformation you keep the reader guessing, wondering what will happen with Jasmine.

Jasmine unlocked her the front door, finally making it out if the rain.

Just a little nitpick; the front door isn't technically hers.

'Quit dawdling. Get out now!' The voice repeated. Jasmine paused, debating whether or not to listen to the voice in her head, or to stay put and be taken to an asylum since she was obviosly going crazy.

So after this, Jasmine seems to listen to this voice without much hesitation. Wouldn't she be at least a little freaked out? Or does she simply think that it's her own voice telling her what to do?

Kendra snarled, but Kevin placed her his hand on her shoulder.

Kevin is a guy so it should be 'his' instead of 'her'.

"Remember who her help is is helping her. That is They are much more talented that a Black Ops unit."

This sounds better than saying 'who her help is'. And saying 'that is' gives me the impression that whoever's helping her isn't human. But based off the rest of your description, these people seem to be human.

"Hm, maybe calling out to her wasn't such a good idea." Nathan mused to himself, watching the girl run off.

Ha! This made me laugh. Anyway...

"I can't believe they're already hear here."

Wrong here.

Sorry if that was long, I had a lot to comment on.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. I like how you broke up the story a little by telling it from each of the character's point of view. But I think by the end you had too short of narrations (I guess that's what I would call them) from the characters. Maybe you could cut out a couple and have another character describe what they're seeing instead? It just gets a little hectic with the constant changing of point of view.

PM me if you put up any more chapters! I'll be happy to read them. Keep writing!

OK to start out you did well, but when you threw the dialogue in there it threw me off and it didn't sound natural. Then when you got to the part where she finds her dead father, you didnt put enough emotion and emphasis into that part and after that you lost me, I stopped reading. Try something like: "Her pulse slowed as her eyes drifted downward. Bloodied and broken her father's corpse lay beneath her feet. A petrified scream tore from her chest as pure terror took hold." Try and make it more exciting and terrifying.
Sorry if I was rude, but I hope this helps. Keep Writing,

Allo! here to review:)
I really liked your story! It was gripping and action packed and you already have sympathy for the main character and...! It just has everything that a story needs far.

"Hey, I'm home!" She called into the haouse.

Something wasn't right. Jasmine finally felt her way into the living room. The curtains were wide open, letting in a little bit of light from outside.

Maybe its just a personal taste kind of thing but I think that you should describe her journey a bit more, maybe she's in the hallway then takes the door to the living room, something like that.

"Guys!? Where are you?!" She cried, and then tripped over a large object.

Was there not enough light for her to see her dad? Or was she walking backwards? or something, I think you should explain a little more here.

"This leads all the way to my neaighbor's basement. We should be okay." Jasmine replied, and opened the door in front tof them. The basement was freezing cold and Jasmine shuddered as she placed her feet on the concrete floor.

Jasmine nodded and approached the ticket window.
"One ticket for the 4:00 train." Jasmine breathed. The man behind the counter looked through his books and smiled.
"Lucky for you I have one available seat left. Here you go ma'am." He heanded her a ticket and Jasmine left without another word.

Does she pay for the ticket?

Only other thing I think you should do is, I think you should describe the house a bit more, since so much takes place in there, and - I assume - it has some sentimental value to Jasmine. So far great! Looking forward to reading more

Hi there!

You've got a lot of action going on, which is great, but I think there's a little too much action and not enough description. I think the pacing was a little too fast; slow it down a bit by adding more feelings and descriptive detail.

"Mom? Mom!? Mom!!!!!" Jasmine screamed, tears rolling down her cheeks as much as the rain was outside.

This is a good start, but I think you've got to put more feeling into it. I know you've got the Black Ops rushing in real quick after Jasmine discovers the fate of her parents, but try and squeeze in some more description there and the story will really come to life!

Hope I helped! Don't stop writing!