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Hunted ch. 14



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Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:42 pm
tgirly says...



We pull up to the police station. Alina's asleep by the time we get there and the rain is slowing down. Mitch carries Alina out, but before I can get out they pull away.
"We're taking you to the hospital," Hernandez says, "See what we can do about your shoulder."

After I get my shoulder popped into place, they take me to jail. I pass Silas's cell, where he's simply refusing to give them a phone number. The cop arguing with him has red cheeks, and it looks like he's been yelling.
"Fine," the cop says huffily, "You can just stay in here all night. Maybe you'll be more willing in the morning." Silas smiles at the cop through the bars.
"Now we're on the same page." The cop stomps off. I'm put in a cell with some old dude, stalking back and forth and mumbling to himself. I see Charlie in the cell next to me talking to a guy twice his size and five times as thick.
"Just a second," he says, and sits down facing me. I sit next to him, the bars between us.
"You okay?" I ask him, glancing at the guy he was chatting with.
"Yeah," he says, "Just listening to Beetle's witness."
"Beetle?" I ask.
"That's his name," Charlie says, nodding at the guy he was talking to.
"Be careful, 'kay?" I say. Charlie looks offended.
"Beetle's a nice guy. He wouldn't hurt a fly." I glance at Beetle, unconvinced.
"Okay, if you say so," I say, "Where're the girls?"
"They're in a different cell block," Charlie says, "This one's just for guys." I nod. He turns back to Beetle.
"Where were we?" Beetle asks. He sounds like a bass drum.
"When you were in third grade, and people called you short and twiggy," Charlie says. Well they wouldn't think he was twiggy now, I think. He's the size of a fire truck. I decided to catch a few z's while waiting to see what'll happen. Best case scenario: we get sent to a nice, big, cushy prison. Worst: They break in and kill us like fish in a barrel. It's a miracle I could sleep a wink. But I must have, because the next thing I remember is starting awake. And you kind of have to be asleep to wake up.
"Bilbo," Silas whispered. I'm a heavy sleeper, but when I wake up, I wake up fast. There's no in between, I'm either awake and ready to run, or deep in sleep while I still can be.
"Yeah," I call to Silas.
"Time to bust out," he says. He takes the bars of the jail, and seems to be pushing on them.
"There's no way-" I begin, then stop. Because, ever so slowly, he's bending the metal.
"No..." I say. That's impossible. When he has bent them about a head apart, he moves down lower the bar and starts bending it there.
"Come on," Silas say, "Hurry up."
"That's impossible," I say.
"What're you talking about?" he asks. I blink rapidly.
"You're bending metal," I say, dumbfounded.
"Yeah, so?" he says.
"So? That's impossible." He looks at me funny.
"You don't know?" he asks. The doors to the jail open, and Mitch comes down the aisle with the twins.
"What's taking so long?" she whispers.
"Mitch, he's bending steel!" I say. She looks at me like I'd said he could blink and acted like it was a big thing.
"I don't think he knows," Silas says. Mitch blinks, then shakes her head.
"We'll talk about that later," she says, "Right now, we just need to get out of here," she says.
"Agreed," Silas says. Mitch comes and starts bending the bars of my cell like Silas bent his.
"Hey!" Crazy-Dude-In-My-Cell says, "Superwoman! Superwoman!" and he imitated flying with a cape behind him, which turned to flapping his arms like they were wings. Charlie wakes up from all the commotion Crazy Dude was making.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Mitch and Silas are doing things that any sane person would say are impossible," I say. Charlie smiles at my sarcasm, then stares at Silas as he bends the bars of Charlie's prison. Mitch finishes first, and I maneuver out of the cell. I expect Crazy Dude to fall, but he's too busy ca-cawing to notice he could go free if he wants to. Mitch carefully acquires the security man's keys while he's sleeping, and we make for the exit.
"We have to get out of this town fast," she says.
"No, duh," Silas says. We all climb into the security guard's ride, rejoicing that he seems to have just filled up the gas tank, and take off in his chevy, Silas in the bed, the twins and Charlie in the back seat, and Mitch and I in the front.
"Start explaining," I say.
"Just a second," Mitch says. We pull up in front of some random house and stop.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Switching license plates," she says, "To help hide our trail." Silas hops out of the back, pulling a screwdriver out of his shoe. An odd place to keep a screwdriver. I don't even know how that would work. He sees me looking at him funny.
"What? I have small feet," he says, his tone challenging me to say anything. I resist the urge. After he finishes switching the plates, which took longer than we would have liked but not as long as you would have expected it to take, we were off on the open rode again. Mitch moves to turn the stereo on, but I stop her.
"What's going on?" I ask her.
"Umm, we just broke out of jail, and now we're back to being chased," she says.
"You know what I mean," I say, "What happened back there? That was... impossible..."
"I had to explain it to the twins too," she says, "But I didn't think I'd have to explain it to you guys."
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:50 am
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LindsayG says...



Hey! This was really fun to read. And very suspense-filled! Because i haven't read the previous cahpters I'm wondering what the hell is going on?

And why are they on the run again? This is some really great work.

But something I did notice though, the protagonist is a dude, but there wasn't really any indication from the beginning so i sort of went along like she's a girl then she's in the male cell and i got quite confused....almost thought she was a transexual...lolx. But that's besides the point.

I'd suggest putting in a few details or descriptions to help your readers know exactly what and who the characters are...but that's just - like I said, a suggestion.

This was really awesome though, and I wish you the best of luck!

Keep writing!!!!
I write because there's nothing left to say...
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:06 am
Rydia says...



Okay so I haven't read the previous chapter which means all comments are going to be in context of this one alone. With that said, on to the review!

Specifics

1.
We pull up to the police station. Alina's asleep by the time we get there and the rain is slowing down. Mitch carries Alina out, but before I can get out they pull away.
This is a slightly dreary read because every sentence in this paragraph is of the same length. If that's the atmosphere you were going for, great! But otherwise you might want to lengthen at least one of the sentences.

2. I want to hear a little about the hospital. Even if it's just a few quick sentences about strobe lights, being hand-cuffed to a gurny and how the doctors react to treating a criminal. You move to the jail far too quickly for my liking.

3. I love the name Silas, always have and always will, but you get bonus marks for that.

4. Watch those tenses! It can be quite tricky to write in present tense and you have to be very careful not to lapse into past.
"When you were in third grade, and people called you short and twiggy," Charlie says. Well they wouldn't think he was twiggy now, I think. He's the size of a fire truck. I decided to catch a few z's while waiting to see what'll happen. Best case scenario: we get sent to a nice, big, cushy prison. Worst: They break in and kill us like fish in a barrel. It's a miracle I could sleep a wink. But I must have, because the next thing I remember is starting awake. And you kind of have to be asleep to wake up.
The end of this section doesn't really work in present tense, or at least not the way you've written it. You'd have to describe it in a stream-of-conscioussness type of style. Like: '...like fish in a barrel. I think I dream about the fish, though I don't rightly know and come morning it doesn't matter anyway. I dreamed or slept somehow and now it's time to face the music.'

"Bilbo," Silas whispereds. I'm a heavy sleeper, but when I wake up, I wake up fast. There's no in between, I'm either awake and ready to run, or deep in sleep while I still can be.


"Hey!" Crazy-Dude-In-My-Cell says, "Superwoman! Superwoman!" and he imitateds flying with a cape behind him, which turneds to flapping his arms like they were are wings. Charlie wakes up from all the commotion Crazy Dude was is making.


"What? I have small feet," he says, his tone challenging me to say anything. I resist the urge. After he finishes switching the plates, which took takes longer than we would have liked but not as long as you would have expected it to take, wewere're off on the open rode again. Mitch moves to turn the stereo on, but I stop her.


Plot

Okay lots of nice tension going on here, some fun dialogue and the mystery about the bending the steel bars kept my attention nicely. So a thumbs up as far as this is concerned.

Description

It needed more to be honest. All these people were just shadowy figures. I'm sure you've described them in earlier chapters but it doesn't hurt to remind your reader of how they look when you're talking about their facial expressions and stuff. You could also plump the settings out a little.

Overall

I liked it. You've got a pretty smooth read and from what I could find out about your characters, there's enough likeable ones there. Your main character annoyed me a little bit but Silas and Mitch made up for that so all's good.

Well thanks for the read and feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
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