Young Writers Society

I'm hurt i don't want this pain
this hurt i need healing
i need you to help me to
heal me do not hurt me
i call for help again and
again i cry and cry
i don't see no light
again why nobody
would help me
i ask some one to help me
but no one come's
"Look It's A Dove"
i hope it can help me
please i called
The Dove
lands on my bloody head
i Became healed
that what i call healing
but wait
I don't know what to do
pain creep out
no no i'm healed
but this hurt come's
again "PAIN"
I Feel Like
I'm Burning
Alive
I Have To
"Get Out Of Here"
I Can't See
"Help"
Please
No One Hears Me,
My Long Dark Path

Hey, here for a review!

Um, so first off, I'm wondering if this needs to be in poetry? The format seems to fit with that, not to mention the fact that most novels are going to have much more detail and character introduction, etc. So let me know if you need this moved to a different forum.

Now...for the review...

I like the idea behind this piece. It's something everyone can easily relate to, and you have some good descriptions that hit the way we feel head-on. I think I know what you were trying to symbolize with the Dove, and I like it, as well as the subtlety with which you brought up the matter. So, good job on the content! Now I'm going to move on to the mechanics of your writing.

i don't see no light

This bothers me. The use of a double negative ("don't" and "no") actually implies the positive (remember in math? A negative outside of a negative number becomes positive) -- in this case, it means that the narrator does see the light. Now, it seems to be acceptable using double negatives in songs, but in story and poetry writing, it's frowned upon as bad grammar. So I'd scrap this and change it to either "I don't see the light" or "I see no light."

pain creep out

This was confusing. I got the impression that the pain left the narrator, and is now coming back even after the Dove healed him. In which case, wouldn't the pain be creeping back in?

The parts in quotation marks confused me as well, like this:

I Have To
"Get Out Of Here"

When I see something in quotes that isn't dialogue, I assume it's meant facetiously, like those air quotes people use to negatively emphasize something that really doesn't make sense/isn't going to happen. This was the case with the part here. I'm not sure why it needs to be in quotation marks, and it breaks up the flow of the narrative.

One last thing I'd like to say is that you should consider not capitalizing each letter in every line. Starting each line with a capital is fine, but when you capitalize throughout the entire line, it makes it harder for the reader to track the words. It's been determined that all lowercase is the easiest to read, then all caps; the hardest was when both lowercase and uppercase letters were interspersed together. There's no consistency, and humans do love consistency. So, basically, try capitalizing only the first letter of every line.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Please let me know if you've got any questions, and also if this piece needs to be moved to a different forum. Keep on writing! =)

Cheers!
~Hawk

I'm hurt i don't want this painBefore anything, why in the world are your I's not capitalized??? that just took away from the whole poem and was soooo distracting! Please, please, don't write i.
this hurt i need healingtry and get more of an introduction. Maybe tell us what your pain is? How you got it? You never tell us anything about this pain except that it involves your head and you want it gone. Give us more!
i need you to help me toI would put to on the next line.
heal me do not hurt meHm, seems obvious to me. Of course you don't want them to hurt you!
i call for help again and
again i cry and cryI do like the repetition here of again and cry.
i don't see no lightGRAMMAR!! Don't see no light? I think you mean, "don't see any light". Or "I see no light."
again why nobody
would help meDoesn't make sense. Maybe you mena, why would nobody help me?
i ask some one to help meYeah, we know you need help. You don't need to keep repeating it.
but no one come'sNo apostrophe needed.
"Look It's A Dove"Random... It feels out of place and unpoetic. It doesn't match the rest.
i hope it can help me
please i called"Please", I called.
The Dove
lands on my bloody headthis is all you tell us about your pain. you got hit? fell on your head? What happened?!
i Became healed Why capital B?
that what i call healing Unnecesary and bad grammar.
but wait
I don't know what to do
pain creep outPain creeps out.
no no i'm healedAgain, this doesn't quite fit in.
but this hurt come's No apostrophe.
again "PAIN" Why qoutation marks?
I Feel LikeNow every word starts with a capital letter. Why?
I'm Burning
Alive
I Have To
"Get Out Of Here"Why do you have quotation marks? Who's talking?
I Can't SeeWait... your head is cut and your blind? Or is your lack of sight because of the injury. Or from blood running into your eyes... Detail!
"Help"So, basically, this line could have summed up the whole poem. What you have is that you're hurt, you need help but no one comes. At least, that's what I got out of it.
Please
No One Hears Me,
My Long Dark Path I like this line, but I don't get how it ties in.

So, this isn't bad. It just needs some substance. You don't give us anything! No meat. I want to know what you're feeling. Why you're feeling it. It's okay to make your reader guess, but not if they have to guess the whole poem! Also, you say this is part of a novel. How is this a story? this has no introduction into a novel. At least, not that I could find. It felt very vague. Not like the beginning of a novel. Anyway, I hope I wasn't harsh. Keep writing and reading poetry. And I'm sure you can improve this if you like it enough to take the time to go through and work on it some more.

You're very odd. I've read most of your work, and I still don't understand your style I've read this piece four times. Maybe to try and find a secret meaning... Anyway, I find this placement of your words very intriguing. Keep it up 'cus I said so. :b


And do u meen 2 type bad gramer? lol



~GMAmuffin~

Hello! Here as requested!

I don't see this as a novel piece, so I'm going to critique it as a poem. Whichever it is, I hope my review will prove useful!

You've definitely got an idea here. There's a message that sure comes through -- a helpless, begging kind of message -- but the way it's presented doesn't quite live up to what it could be.

First off, the poor grammar doesn't do this piece any good. In fact, it hinders it. It holds the poem back from any sort of potential 'cause it's very distracting. It could very well indicate the hastiness in the speaker's words, but there's no art, no relation or tie, between the grammar and the message. It's all around clumsy and annoying.

That aside, another thing I always look for is a tie between the title and the poem. Besides the last line just plainly stating the title, there's no correlation between the two. The title's never used as a metaphor nor is there any faint indication of a dark path. It's just miserable emotion/complaining which has nothing to do with the title, which is more deep and sincere/poetic.

Only one more point I'm going to make, and that's to emphasize the "miserable emotion/complaining" bit I just said. There's nothing in this poem that satisfies me as the reader. In the end, I'm just annoyed that the speaker has to complain without giving us some sort of story or moral to hang on to. You had a nice dove mention and tied that up with healing, so bravo on that. But it doesn't do anything to the poem as a whole besides give it a pretty color (or, er, not color?).

Overall, this needs work! Make sure you know what you're writing about. The trick is to get the reader to understand it about as well as you, the writer, understand it.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!