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This beginning is a bit cliche. Also, I think you should re-word "in the future of the world." Maybe you could use a date, or a specific year.limegreenleopard wrote:A long time ago, in the future of the world, there was a hospital.
Now here, you start off using a both a church and a hospital.limegreenleopard wrote:It wasn’t your everyday hospital where all the sick patients and clever doctors are, no. This certain hospital (or church) was a very different type of hospital (or church).
But here, you call it a church. My suggestion would be to pick one, and stick to it. This will probobly just confuse the reader if you continue to switch between the two.limegreenleopard wrote:But he never came in to the church
limegreenleopard wrote:“Righteo. All you children have had an experience that has shocked you. Live together and try not to have it again, okay?”
limegreenleopard wrote:None will ever know.
limegreenleopard wrote:Hello, I’m Nancy. Nancy Biggins, if you’re wondering. Sorry if my handwriting goes up down and all over the place. See, I’m a bit more nervous than usual today, although I’m always nervous
limegreenleopard wrote:an emptiness in her lifelesscomma grey eyes that was almost frightening.
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Points: 1464
Reviews: 21