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God's gifts chapter 2



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Fri Oct 07, 2011 10:06 pm
smilelikeyoumeanit says...



Alternatively this chapter is written from the view of Nixie Blue. Please read the first chapter before you read this one because it may not make sense otherwise



Chapter 2 – Nixie Blue

We broke from the forest and the skies were laced with a suffocating grey fog, the stench of rotting leaves and debris hung, mucky in the air.
“What did Mary-Anna say this place was called?” Inquisitive Enya asked.
“Kenanpation,” Delilah, intelligently replied.
“Well Kenanpation smells like c***,” replied Enya, miserable and fiery as ever.
“This isn’t normal you know,” Delilah began.
‘What do you mean? The stench,” Soleil guessed, in a researched manor, for Soleil.
“Well yes that but, also the fact that you guys aren’t dead and you’re here. Most people with gifts for the elements of life enter Kenanpation through the obsolete grave. That’s how I entered. You die and you come here. But guys haven’t died on earth. That’s freaky. Everyone is able to pass through the portals to earth when it needs saving but I have never heard of the living passing to here. I don’t know, I don’t get it,” Delilah enlightened us.
“Well maybe we’re special,” Soleil bragged, as ever boosting her own confidence.
“Or maybe you couldn’t live with out us,” cheered Camden.
‘Or maybe you couldn’t live with out me,” Delilah’s voice stilled the convosation and silence barricaded us.

The stale smell sweated on and the dusky coal road that lead us into a small, yet crowded town.
If you’ve ever been to the shambles in York, well it looked just like that. On the other hand, if you haven’t then your stuck with my s***** explanation and your own imagination. Good luck.

The cobbled road was built upon a slant where the left side of every path was at least an inch lower than the right side. Every Tudor shop, with its huge single glaze windows, paned with chipped wood was plastered unevenly in cream, a dusty dirty cream. This was of course with the exception of the bricked shops where the jagged rusty and maroon bricks jutted from the uneven walls. The streets snaked in and out and the road followed as the buildings ranged from towering giants to minute dwarfs. Each door, heavy ebony, was chipped and hagged from its rainbow paint and only big enough for a midget like Enya or Camden to fit through with out needing to duck. Never the less it was enchanting and endearing, I was spellbound by this mystical place, though Delilah was not completely in awe of it like the rest of us.

“This is enchanting!” Soleil shouted, her usually rhythmical voice was just a breath.
“You get used to it,” Delilah grinned to her immortal opposite; she immersed each of us in her knowledge.
“Well I think we should go shopping. The school wont be open this evening for lessons; we need supplies and there’s an inn at the end of the road where we can stay, till the morning. Have a bite to eat and there’ll be plenty of rooms, and if not, well Delilah will just create some more!” Soleil planned our evening and after presenting her with a disapproving grimace Delilah agreed. Following suit so did everyone else. We hit the shops.

Soleil fluttered straight to the haberdashery shop, Delilah to the old bookshop. I glanced in the window of haberdashery shop; the owner of the shop has cast a trance on the material and the tools. Whatever Soleil wished for danced into action and began preparing it’s self for sale. Of course Soleil had no money, and I had no idea how she intended to pay of the metres of fabric, sequin’s, buttons, prints, embroideries and needles that made each decoration work. So I entered to see her plan.
“So miss, that will be 45 coins,” the shop assistant informed her casually.
“Coins?” Soleil asked flipping her radiant pink hair, “I’m sorry I’ve only just arrived here. You see my friends and me are the personification of elements of life. We only found out this morning and we need some supplies to survive. In the morning I could bring you coins.” The shop assistants widened greatly, shock harrowed her face.
“Oh. You’re the girl of day, the only girl of day,” she wisped in fear of our docile friend Soleil.
“Yeah I personify day,” she glittered in her girly.
“Well miss you get them for nothing,” she gifted Soleil and bowed majestically, “and miss take this fabric too.” The show assistant clicked her bony fingers and about 4 meters of a spine chilling material flew off one shelf. The warmest colours imaginable, yellow, orange and gold swirled continually like lava in a circle.
“Use it wisely, young one,” the shop assistant warned Soleil as she drifted meekly back into her shell. Soleil nodded dimly.
I began to leave the shop before Soleil had time acknowledge my presence and accuse me of stalking her when again I heard the shop assistant say, “Don’t use this till you know it’s essential. That do or die moment.”
She scared the life out of me, that creepy hagged lady; she was so solemn with spritly Soleil. I headed to find Camden and Soleil shivered away from the Haberdashery shop, arms laden with goods.

It was then I passed an aquarium, the windows filled with the most amazing fish and although I was usually petrified of fish but it lured me in.
Tiny dolphins, no bigger then clown fish swam energetically in the turquoise water. Schools of bright crimson lights zapped from one side of colossal tank to the other, with out even me finishing my breath. Unicorns, as mad as it may seam, galloped on the shore of the tank. They sparkled like diamonds. There was fish made from gold, silver and bronze and their volatile and almost racist nature meant they fought in army’s against one another. I didn’t really like those fish. The tank arched above my head as I walked into the seemingly small and quaint shop. There were prowling tigers, humongous spiders that did breast strokes through the water (this was a gift I would to surprise Soleil with). Song fish bleated their demonic tones through the water, and the bubbles that left their lips were vivid colours. The ocean that surrounded me was alive. It danced and sang.

It was ice.
Against my back
I leapt into the air.

A dark laughter filled the space.
He was gorgeous.

“You scared me,” I started to explain my pathetic behaviour. His eyes were a cool oceanic blue; they bathed me in his presence. His skin was golden and his long jet-black hair was drenched.
“ I know. I just thought I should wake you up,” He chuckled his voice harmonious and in every way as enchanting as this mythical place. He left.

Though our paths had only crossed for a matter of minutes the image of his face was printed on my mind. On earth I did have a boyfriend. His name was Tab, he was in my year and was amazing and physic’s and drumming.
I knew at some point I would need to go back earth and tell him what had happened. The fact of the matter was, we were all dead, on basic terms. Although five of us had never actually died, we were basically dead. We could re-enter the human world as ghosts but that was all. As for Delilah, she too had never really died, she had just entered this place differently to we had. She had the same memory as the rest of did. She’d been telling us on the way down the coal road.
“I just tripped,” She wove her story, “I found myself flat in the grey mud, outside the obsolete grave. The way you guys fell from the tree, it’s the same. I’m not sure whether your bodies will be a corpse on earth like mine was, or whether you guys will still be alive. But it is rare that people who haven’t really had a deadly experience to come here, or to come through the grabbing tree. I don’t get it. But in conclusion we are all dead!” Delilah resolved the situation, her true intelligent way, “but you know, your not the only one’s who can pass back to earth. I can do it too, there fore I’m just as alive as you guys,” She smiled gleefully at this knowledge. Soleil had of course disagreed and again posed the idea that this was all a dream; by now we all knew she was wrong. If only she did.

Still revelling in his mind-blowing beauty, I headed for the door of the aquarium to leave.
I didn’t want a fish; I was merely lured into looking around. That strange urge, that unexplainable fizz that drew me into the shop, it was fate. Something about that striking young boy that I needed to see. Fate demanded us to united under an ocean sky. I don’t know why but it had to be on this dank, dour evening. Maybe it was to testify him as pure, or for him to be seemingly more beautiful then he really was against the forbidding backdrop.
My friends and I met up outside the aquarium.

“Where on earth have you been?” Enya frenzied, her amber eyes buttered with wrath.
“Me… I, I was just in the aquarium,” I sounded simple and doll like, just like Soleil.
“Nixie darling,” diplomatically Avani began, “This town isn’t safe. All the towns folk are warning us against being here,”
“Especially me!” Soleil blundered into Avani’s explanation.
“This place isn’t right!” Enya roared once more.
“Well, you can’t get out,” Delilah’s voice had a darker taste that lingered in the tension between us. Eye’s sprinted on to her enigmatic stance.
“Well you can’t stay in the real forever you will end up back here anyway. It drags you in.”
“Well if we are going to have to stay here we need supplies,” Camden level headedly replied. She was unfortunately correct. So we carried along the street.

The flame bitten candles trembled in the now blusty winds that flurried. Night threw its curtain upon the small, ancient town, and as the stars started to show their kindly faces something very weird began to happen to Delilah. A godly silver shiver peppered her body, a halo of silver streamed from every pour. Her hair began to glow too and her eyes, her eyes morphed into a violet hue, as though she were mad.
“Delilah!” Camden’s panicking breath smoked. Mist swarmed around her ever wan and shimmering figure. She did not speak, she simply didn’t move, as though this frightful happening was digesting her. Though fear was nibbling at us, we couldn’t just leave or beloved friend in this trance. We had lost her once already in our lives, and that unquestionable pain was not happening again.

A force of haunting purple encased her. Her body remained static but the force ejected us will the force of a wild burly creature. It drummed us into the uneven floors of stone, as Soleil was flung further. It was a through of great detest. Her blood dripped from the jagged edge of the smashed window that Soleil’s body had been hurled through.
Flames of black coal reigned alight around her as silver smoky stars were realized from their burning demonic light. The clouds from above shoved apart and the moon lined up with our friend and the madness calmed.
From the violet fog immerged what pert of me instinctively knew was my friend… and they other half prayed it wasn’t. Chocolate hung her fiendish hair, and her once bronzed eyes were cased in a violet film. Loosely she looked us.

“What’s happened here?” Her growling voice was a weave of harmonies.
“Something came over you,” I replied not intimidated by her.
“Nixie, That was the night. Soleil will be weak, sleepy and drained by life now,” Delilah rasped her voice venomous and I was beginning to prefer the element of day then the element of night. There was something in her voice, as though she was speaking at two completely different but congruent pitches.
“Where is Soleil?” Delilah splinted my thoughts. Avani’s eyes lashed wide and she raced into the bookshop to trial Soleil’s body.

Her battered head lay against the floating autumnal rug that had caught her. A young man was leaning over her cold body and her pink hair was splashed out against the dark contrasting carpet.
“What’s happened?” Avani blundered, her maternal instinct roaring.
“She flew though the window and sliced her arms and back open, she didn’t hit head though, the carpet caught her,” The adolescent explained.
“What happened, with you, Delilah?” Soleil begged her answer wimpy.
“Day is over Soleil, that was the coming of night,” Delilah reasoned with her.
“So I will get smashed into to something every night, and feel like death every night? And what about when day comes?” Soleil’s drained voice hummed.
“I think at about 6pm each evening you should keep your distance from me, or yes, that will happen,” Delilah educated her.

“Can no-one help the bleeding?” Begged the man once again.
“Avani! Your gift is to heal! Can you not help?” I shouted enthusiastically, using my knowledge.
“I don’t know how,” moaned Avani a little confused.
“Your in a bookshop. What type of book do you need?” The man asked his customer services exemplary.
“One about the healing powers of earth,” Avani asked, and after a few minuets has ticked by after his departure he returned with a thick woody green book and caramel pages and gifted it to Avani. A quick lick of her fine fingers and she started flicking through the book until she found a page she wished.

“Gaia, to thee I pray,
The Mother Nature,
Save your daughter of the day.
Her scars so deep,
Her back of blood,
Away the pain sweep.

Seal all open wounds,
Feast! Tell the great hounds,” Her delicate voice recited the poem angelically.

From the open window was a strange occurrence; the jagged door way was the entrance for a pack of green translucent dogs. They shimmered with fierce leafy green sparks flowing through it like blood. The dogs licked the deep cuts of Soleil’s. Their green tongues stitched the bloody wounds of her’s back to normal. It was as though she had not been harmed. Majestically the dogs ran slowly back through the smashed windows. The smashed glass danced behind them and slotted, like a jigsaw puzzle, it’s self back together. To an on looker nothing had happened.

“I know who you are!” cried the young man in amazement, “You are the six immortals to become. You the girl who just cast the spell, your earth, right? And you, miss with the pink hair, you personify day. Between the other four of you there must be fire, air, water and night, yes?” We nodded to him in response, “ I can’t believe it is true, I thought it was only a myth! Girls please take these books for free, No charge. Never a charge.”
“Sir, I already have some books,” Delilah’s two-tone voice responded.
“Then double for you miss…”
“Nyx. Immortal of night,” Delilah responded to his difficulty.
“What did you buy?” Camden pressed for an answer.
“Ellis Myths,” Delilah’s response was blunt, “traditional Kenanpation fairy tales.” We just nodded in agreement, though truly none of us really understood what Delilah was talking about.
The young man returned and gave each of us a mountain of books specific to our gift. Delilah was thrilled, in her studious merry manor, and read the blurb of each book in away that was lethargic to reality.

“And take this too,” He hollered as we left the shop and galloped toward us with the carpet, “You may be needing this, Miss day.”
  





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Sat Oct 08, 2011 5:03 pm
1wasprt says...



Well while I was reading through it I noticed that it was extremely long, so you might want to break it up into parts or something.
I like your use of descriptions, as my teacher says you used your face. (see, hear, taste, touch, smell)
What I would recommend is that you get to the point faster. I still kind of don't know what the plot of the story is, and I did read chapter 1. I believe this could be an excellent story with the right amount of work. Good job.
He who is without sin may cast the first stone.
~John 8:7
  





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Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:11 pm
Vervain says...



Okay, my review on this is quite a bit shorter. I don't think I can afford to spend another two hours on a review. XD

I think what I'd say the most about this, though, is imagery. You give us a lot of descriptions and adjectives and words, but there's little imagery. Sure, you tell us what Avani did, but were her hands shaking, did her voice tremble, did she look nervous, did she mess with her hair? Exactly how did Soleil fly into the window? Was the blood thin, viscous? Dripping slowly, quickly, horrifyingly? Nixie seems like a good viewpoint. I like how she sees things; I like how she reacts. She seems like a very balanced viewpoint, due in part to the inconstant nature of the sea, I would think! You personify her very well, and she in turn personifies the other characters very well. The story is stable, and that's the only reason I'm telling you imagery, imagery, imagery. Especially in a long project such as this. I love your ideas, and I think they'll turn into something great, but I want to be able to see the slums in Kenanpation and smell them and hear them. Were the streets bustling? Did animals cry out, or were they silent - perhaps eaten by souls desperate for another meal? You have a beautiful idea and beautiful characters and a beautiful story unfolding before the reader. It can't hurt to add a few more words and let them know absolutely everything of importance.

Especially with this viewpoint. Nixie seems like the kind of person who notices, you know? She doesn't sound like she would just notice Soleil's blood dripping, but she would think it was dripping quickly or slowly - and mind you, everything you say in first person in a story is relative to that character. For example, Nixie could be paler than Soleil and would thus say her skin was darker, or she could be lighter than Soleil and thus say her skin was pasty, creamy, white, light, etc. As such, the observation of the blood dripping slowly would be if Nixie saw it dripping quickly in some instance before, or quickly if she saw it dripping more slowly in a former incident. You know?

Like I said, it's really cool. I can't wait to see more. (And I used up most of my pedanticism on my first review; if you'd like me to go through for grammatical edits and possibly PM the edited version to you (with obvious edits, of course, so you would know where things had been changed), I would be happy to. Really, anything you feel like, I would be happy. <3)
stay off the faerie paths
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:10 pm
polinkacreations says...



Hey again:D
Polly here.
I have noticed that your writing is getting better. That is very encouraging.
Here come the (not so many) nitpicks:
in a researched manor, for Soleil.
- In Soleil's researched manor.

I would like more imagery and metaphors. It really adds to the story overall. Long descriptions can be tiring after a while.

He was gorgeous
- ...who? :D
Night threw its curtain upon the small, ancient town, and as the stars started to show their kindly faces something very weird began to happen to Delilah.
- An example of a very good sentence. Love it.
silver shiver
- silver glitter?
What happened, with you, Delilah?
- "What happened to you?"

Overall, the second chapter was very good, and I like how you open up the different parts of this world, it really drags me in. Well done, and keep writing:D

polly xx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
  





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Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:56 pm
Betheny says...



Hello again, lets see what you've written this time shall we?

I like how you've swapped to a different character to get a different perspective on whats going on, although in agreement with 1wasprt in the fact that it takes a while to get to the point. There are a few typos and little bits and pieces that could probably be edited but I believe polinkacreations covered all, if not all, of them. The main thing I'd say is that watch what you say, when you're comparing the town to the shambles in York is could be interperted in a bad way, especially if you're from around that area. Now, I'm not saying you meant it in a bad way but you know, be careful.

Hope this has helped, love Beth x
"The world existed to be read. And I read it." - L.S Schwartz, Ruined by Reading
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:48 pm
Leahweird says...



I don't have time to do a full nit-picky review, but I have some generic comments. I really like how Delilah is now the one in charge of exposition, and "the change from day to night" was really interesting. I still think it might have been more interesting if they didn't know who they were yet when exploring the swamp and the town, but people recognize them nevertheless. This is just my opinion though.

I think switching narrators is cool, but if your going to do that you need to make the voice of each girl and the way she tells the story completly different, which is extremely hard to do.
  








I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera