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God's gifts chapter 4



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Wed Oct 26, 2011 3:29 pm
smilelikeyoumeanit says...



Hi again all. I have tried to give Avani's chapter a more informal tone to it, to make the character warmer. It's quite long this chapter, but stick with it, it's just there is a lot in it so that the next chapter can follow on properly. Please read the other chapters first and give me your thoughts :)

Chapter 4 – Avani Graphite
I have never missed a night’s sleep. I could sleep for days if you just left me there, but last night I didn’t sleep a wink. The room was so comfortable, the mattress was really soft, and the pillows plush, the quilt thick, but I still could not sleep! I hate them kind of things.

I just lay, so silent and gazed at the roof. I couldn’t wake blessed little Enya. I loved my friend greatly but she’d bite my head off if I ever dared to wake her. She’s just like a sleeping dragon. You never wake a dragon.

The matter was I was scared, for starting D.W.D. I try to act brave but what my friends don’t know is that I actually panic about things a lot. The revolving ivory and gold ceiling was a little hypnotizing for me; it stopped me from going completely out of mind. They’re like my children and especially now, when they were detached from their real mother’s; they were going to need someone to sort everything out for them. That’s what I have to do…just it’s always at my own expense.

The dawn broke through the night. The room filled with colours. Soleil would be up. She struggles to sleep at the best of times; so the prospect of meeting loads of new people, a new school, new clothes, new impressions and also the fact that she was magic… well that girl would be on an excitement sugar rush. I must say I felt sorry for Nixie having to share a room with her because she would be bopping around the room like a pogo stick. She worried me from time to time.

I didn’t dare go visit them mind, not this early anyway. It would only be about 4 o’clock in the morning and Nixie would be shouting at Soleil to “Shut up and let her sleep!” and honestly I’d rather keep looking at the ceiling.

So I just lay there still looking at the swirling ceiling. The dawn grew stronger and the sky was orange, with a hint of red. This sending my thoughts whirling once again, I thought about those silly little rhymes that children are taught. Those like red sky at morning Shepard’s warning and things along them lines. It would be great to have one of them written about us. I tried to think of one but it was hard to make a proper rhyme.

When finally the day reached a suitable time, I got out of bed, had a shower, dried my hair and then realised that I had nothing at all to wear. So finally I plucked the courage to go and see Soleil and Nixie. It was Soleil. She would have a plan.
I knocked on the door and there was a huge clash as something was dropped.
“What the hell was that?” Soleil’s voice leapt.
“It was only the door,” Nixie shouted back in return.
“You divvy’s it’s just me, Avani!” I shouted at them through the door. Divvy was a word we often used to describe each other. I think it means stupid though I’m not really that sure. It was something Soleil picked up when she went to live in Newcastle for a while. It just caught on.

“Hey! That’s my word,” Soleil yelled back. You see my point. The door unlocked and they let me in their equally plush room. I shuffled sleepily through the small corridor and then I saw them.
“Oh my god!” I started.
“They’re great aren’t they?” Nixie jumped up and down a little too excited.
“How? Where? Oh my God I don’t even know were to start?” I couldn’t find the right question.
“I did it!” Soleil bragged her voice chiming like it always does. I would have disciplined that girl if it weren’t for how amazed I was.

Stood, on 6 manikins, were 6 rather spectacular dresses. I presumed one for each of us, and honestly I was rather proud of the fact that Soleil hadn’t just made six for herself. It wouldn’t have surprised me. So I let her off with the scolding.

The one on the furthest left had to be Enya’s. It was red, yellow and orange. It had a cropped yellow bodice that would really push up her relatively big boobs (It is on of them facts only me and Enya have proper boobs, the other’s are like pancakes, so we flaunt it) over one shoulder were ripples of yellow, orange and red like little flames to make a strap and under a crimson red sash were millions of ripples in the same colours. Under the manikin was a pair of glittery red ballet shoes. Enya would hate the shoes and want the ribbons cutting off but I didn’t tell Soleil that because she was rather proud of her self.

Next to it was what I guessed to be Delilah’s dress, which was in two parts. The first was a simple silver body con dress that would show how thin Delilah was. It had a slight shimmer but nothing too garish. It was the second part that would catch eyes. It had a big black, to the floor coat made of that thick, woolly material that coats are made out of. Round the edges of the armholes was silver lace and down the front it had big silver military buttons. But it fitted the slim manikin perfectly. With it was a pair of understated black brogues.
Then was Camden’s which was honestly one of the cutest things I had ever seen in my whole life. She was going to look adorable, though I did think Soleil had taken the idea of air a little bit to the extreme. It was a fitted pink bodice made from this leather type material. The skirt was made of pink wings of every fashion ever imagined. There were butterfly wings in pink, fairy wings, dragonfly wings; every winged creature had been given its place upon the lavish skirt of the dress. Then to prove that she’d truly out done herself Soleil had added a pair of massive bright pink wings.

“Why the wings?” I asked a bit puzzled.
“Exactly! Why the bloody wings?” Asked Nixie starting to go a little mad as she tried to make her hair go wavy with the straigtheners.
“Because, Mary-Anna said something about Camden being able to fly, so I thought awh, then she needs wings. It’s really just that simple,” Soleil was stating the obvious again.
“Yeah but you didn’t need to give her wings,” Nixie cried in return.
“Well how else is she going to fly?” Soleil quizzed.
“She just will,” Nixie spat back that flair of anger apparent.
“What? How?” Soleil could equally headstrong.
“Girls! Get over it!” I broke the pair up, they could be so immature sometimes.

Next to Camden’s dress was Nixie’s dress, which was bright blue. It was one of those floaty one-sleeved dresses, which she intended to wear with her Jeffery Campbell limited edition blue glitter heeled boots. She was very proud of these shoes because she had queued for 4 hours outside Bloomingdales to get them, though I had no clue how Soleil had managed to get them here. The dress was plain at the front with only three tears at the bottom each getting darker in colour. Around the neck were big square diamonds and around the only arm. On the back however was a big yellow starfish with coral swirling around the back. It was a little bit, well over the top, but that would satisfy Nixie.

There was only one that could possibly be princess like enough to satisfy Soleil. It had a bodice of pure gold, shiny and polished. Crisp like armour but the whole bottom of it was sparkling white, brilliantly riddled with gold beads and specks of glitter. It was a big netty, tutu; to the floor ball gown and if it wasn’t for Soleil it would have belonged to Cinderella, or Belle or some other Disney princess. Next to the dress was a pair of lace white shoes, which were very bridal.

Finally there was what I expected to be my dress. A cropped bodice of a warm crimson red that was made to look like petals, with a brown body-con bottom. This would show off my hips and boobs (which is, as I said earlier was my assets). The back had a long skirt of green leaves down t it, which made a train upon the floor. It was very majestic and a pair of crimson heels accompanied it. I loved it; Soleil had got my outfit right.

“How on earth did you manage to make all these dresses, Soleil?” I quizzed again.
“Well I woke up at, like, 6, and I had this rush of power. So I took all the material out of wardrobe that I’d bought at the haberdashery shop yesterday. I scribbled down some designs on a sheet of paper with each of us in mind. From there I looked up in that general enchantments book, you’ll have one too, read the spell and the material made it’s self into what I wanted. When it’s day, apparently anything will do what I want,” She grinned loving the idea of everything and everyone doing what she wanted them too.
“Wow,” I breathed. Soleil continued twiddling her hair around a pair of curling tongs, which I was surprised she hadn’t enchanted to do it on its own yet.
“I made uniforms too,” She added, “And, because lazy bones wouldn’t get up,” Her eyes hit Nixie, “ I went and found out what time we needed to be at DWD for, she said 10am, apparently they need time to organize the main hall or whatever it is for a welcoming for us.”

I unhooked my dress from my manikin and took Enya’s too, and headed back to our room to get ready. Enya was stomping around still in her pyjamas, hair ringing wet and not an ounce of make up on.
“Where the hell did you do run off to?” Enya shouted in a mad fashion.
“To get clothes. Soleil made you a dress,” I informed her. I lay the red, yellow and orange fiery dress upon on Enya’s bed, “Oh and there’s a hair drier, a pair of straigtheners, a pair of curling tongs and a brush in the draw of the dressing table, be ready for 10.” With that she slung her long chocolate bob over her shoulder and went to dressing table, silent. I hated it when Enya was huffy.

There was an old brass alarm clock, which sat on the fireplace. To keep Enya in check I had set it too ten to ten, so we had time to get down to the lobby and get to D.W.D for ten o’clock. But we would definitely be late; between Nixie and Soleil time keeping was a mystery. As I had predicted they were no were to be seen when we got to the lobby. On the other hand, all too punctual Camden and Delilah had been there for half an hour.

I did notice that the pair was silent when we got there. Sat at opposite ends of the couch, Camden pale. Usually Camden couldn’t leave Delilah alone and doted and idolized her. It was a smidge weird.
“Were are dumb and dumber?” I asked the cold pair.
“No idea. Maybe their room?” Sleepily Delilah answered.
“Oh god.”
“Go get them, or they’ll never come down.” I gave Delilah a nod and head back up the 4 flights of stairs to get Nixie and Soleil.

The dizzy twosome, were still frantically racing round the bedroom. Soleil was wiggling her fingers and a comb of pearls appeared from the yellow glitter that left her fingers while she breathed a spell. Nixie sat on the bed and heaved the Jeffery Campbell boots on to her feet.
“Chop, chop!” I shouted into the door.
“Coming,” Soleil obeyed, pushing the comb into her head as she ran out the door. Then out hopped Nixie still trying to lace up her shoes.

Finally, we walked up to them doors. Those doors that I dreaded do much. Confident and headstrong Enya and Soleil marched up to the door and pushed it open.
“Oh My God!” squeaked a high-strung student.
“Ahhhhh!” shouted Camden a little shocked.
Delilah froze a little and her eyes pained as the pair screamed like idiots.
“Right chill!” She spat, “Who are you and what are you doing here?”
“I’m Jenna, an air messenger. I was told by Miss Animus and Lord Burk to come get you,” Jenna panted still a little in awe, “Which of you is which?’
“Fire,” Enya spoke softly.
“Water,” said Nixie.
“Air,” Camden said.
“Earth,” I said.
“Day,” Soleil sung.
“Night,” finally sulked Delilah.
“Stay in that order,” softly, Jenna instructed us.

We filed into a line, just as Jenna had instructed, and shuffled with her up a big twisty stone staircase. There were no windows in the corridor, it was just pitch black. I could hear Soleil panting like she was going to faint, Enya gritted her teeth, Nixie cried a little, and all I could think was how seriously pathetic they were all being.

All the noise stopped. The light broke in. It had to be a dream.

The grass was lush and bright green and dotted with tiny pink flowers. A waterfall fell from above the schools building at one side and the river it created weaved through the benches of oak, which had about two thousand students perched upon them, each a different coloured school shield upon their breast. Although the sun was shining brighter then it had ever shone there were tiny silver stars strung just above our heads. We walked down the path, made of jewelled gravel.

Stood beneath an arch of fire was a lady of long bright blonde hair. The wind, which dance delicately around us at all times, played with her hair a little. She wore a floaty green to the floor robe over a short plain white dress. Her face was ageless.

Next to her was a rather dashing piece of talent, his hair thick and red and his face dream like. He was, shall we stay stocky, but that was unfortunately clothed in a pink shirt.

On the opposite side stood an older man with a violet tint to his grey hair. He still looked rather strong, and though he could take all six of us in his hands and snap us clean into two parts. That would mean that we were dead, which is a little counter productive. He wore a blue robe over a white shirt and a pair of black dress trousers.

He stood with a more mature lady too. Her was long and brown and loosely in ringlets. To say she was about eighty, she looked good. Her red, to the floor, plunge dress was rather forgiving though. Also she wasn’t toned.

In the centre was who I presumed to be Lord. Burk. He had a black robe on which was tied with a piece of robe that merged through the spectrum of the elemental colours. He also had a big wooden stick with him, which looked rather important. It was a not so wild guess.

Jenna ran and sat in one of the many benches and left us face to face with the five strong people, in the most wonderful garden you could imagine, that was in the exact centre of the school.
“Girls, long awaited girls, we are all pleased to see you here today. To finally have you were you belong,” the man in the black cloak roared. He was a bit of a friendly giant. “I am Lord. Burk (told you so) the head master here at DWD and after all these years I never thought I would get to meet you, yet here you stand. Please introduce yourselves.”

We looked at each other; Delilah went all sheepish and dropped her eyes. Enya’s eyes blazed with annoyance at the idea of her going first and Nixie and Camden just stayed silent, frozen.
“Well they say I have the gift of the gob, so I guess I’ll go first,” Soleil informally introduced herself. There was a chirp of laughter from the students and Soleil wrinkled her nose a bit confused, which wasn’t abnormal. She tossed her long pink hair and stepped toward Lord. Burk.
“I’m Soleil Corona, I’m the personification of day and one day I’ll be its immortal,” the woman in green snorted a little at this sentence, “I’m half Spanish, and fluent in the language, placer estar aquí,” her charming voice sung like a bell.
“As charming as imagined,” Lord. Burk greeted Soleil with a peck upon her hand.

I scanned the line, no one else looked to be moving, so I stepped forward next.
“Avani Graphite my lord, personification of Earth. I speak nothing but English but I’m a little bit more practical,” I rumbled forward.
“Ah, I see a loving heart,” Lord. Burk addressed me and kissed me upon the hand too.

“Oh God! If all the rest of you are going to be wimps!” stormed Enya after a long few minutes of silence, “Oh hell, I did it again.”
“I presume you’re the personification of fire,” Lord. Burk asked.
“You guessed right, Enya Wood. I always seam to give a first impression of shooting off like a rocket,” she scowled, still huffing, however I new her sweeter side would become more apparent.
“It will be of use,” Lord. Burk smiled and pecked her hand too, with this she giggled.

Soleil smiled to Nixie and then she too stepped forward.
“Nixie Blue, I’m the personification of water,” and she played with her short blonde hair the whole time she spoke.
“Ah, lovely to meet such a beauty,” Lord. Burk proclaimed and lifted Nixie’s head from the floor and pecked her raised cheekbone. She ran pale at this.

Delilah and Camden looked at one another, more untied then this morning, and spoke together.
“I’m Camden Brush.”
“And I’m Delilah Nyx.”
“She personifies night.”
“And she personifies air.”
“What a tight knit pair,” commented Lord. Burk, he took and hand from each of them and kissed it intern.

“ I would like you girls to meet my senior staff,” Lord. Burks declared.
“Mrs. Fitch, head of fire,” and he pointed to the woman in the plunging red dress. “Master. Fontane, head of water,” and the violet haired man bowed. “Miss Animus, head of Earth,” and the woman in the green robe smirked. “And finally Mr. Greer,” and the dashing ginger man gave an even more dashing grin. I wanted to faint. He was beautiful.

“Now girls, the staff from the crackling wood have brought your possessions, please go change for classes start immediately,” directed Lord. Burk. As he spoke six red bags of a gossamer material floated from the sky and landed in our hands. Each with the uniform Soleil had made for us inside. So went and obeyed. Period.

“You’re going to get killed,” I said, and it was true, Soleil was going to be skinned alive.
“Don’t panic so much, I’ll be fine,” She chimed.

It was not going to be fine. The uniform for DWD was strict, navy blazer, black skirt or trousers, plain blouse, black loafers and colored embellishment upon the right breast. With everyone’s, bar her own, Soleil had respected this and made outfits to match, however her own, did not. She tottered merrily around in a pair of patent black stiletto heels, some high waisted black jeans, a pussybow blouse and a glittery gold blazer (which did have a black version of the school logo upon the right breast).
“I’m always over dressed,” She giggled. That was true.

“Hi guys!” She squeaked merrily as she walked into the craft class (that only us two had been placed in) like she was the queen or something. They of course pandered to this stupid behaviour and waved at her and took photos on their phones, like she was the queen.
“Right, come along Soleil,” I pushed her to the back of the classroom.
“What! I’m one of a kind.” This was one thing that Soleil gift had got right. There was no one as stupid as Soleil, and in that case, she was one of a kind.

That blonde woman from earlier that day entered the classroom, this time in a black to the floor robe over an emerald green dress. Her moody eyes hit Soleil instantly.
“Miss Corona!” Her voice roared. I had told Soleil that her stupid outfit spelled trouble.
“Yes,” Soleil replied, not sensing the tone.
“What kind of a joke is that outfit!”
“My uniform,” Soleil had finally got it.
“That’s not uniform!”
“Why did you swear?” Soleil switched the topic.
“Who said I had to answer to you?”
“Well just I don’t think it’s very good teaching, and also why can’t I wear this. I am the only girl of day. There is no yellow badge that I could get my hands on at so short notice, so I made a gold blazer, it’s still symbolic,” For once the dizziest girl alive had a point.

Miss Animus (yes I remember her name) looked at Soleil like she was going to slap her from the front of the classroom. Soleil being her typical drama queen self got out of her seat and marched to the front of the class eye to eye with Miss Animus. “I don’t see the problem.”
“Don’t see, well you should and also only natural hair colours are allowed.”
“I was pink this morning, there wasn’t going to be a difference.”
“Get a wig then.”
“Is that what your hair is?” and only I knew that Soleil was being serious. She was that thick.

The room started clapping and cheering Soleil; this gave her a massive confidence boost. So she hopped on to one of the tables.
“This is who I am Miss Animus, the way I was picked. I know they say it’s a blood thing but here I am. I’m not going to change. I am a little rebellious, good god!” The class took in a huge gasp of breath. Apparently your not supposed to say things like that. That didn’t bother Soleil. “It was a curse, get over it. Isn’t that what you encourage students to do, be themselves?”
“Who do you think you?” Miss Animus spat at Soleil.
“Soleil Corona, The girl of day.”
“Get out!” screamed Miss Animus, pulling Soleil from the table and pushing her out the door as she continually hurled abuse about going to sue the school. That was one awkward lesson.
Last edited by smilelikeyoumeanit on Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:35 pm
Leahweird says...



I liked how you're working harder at making the narrators different. I also thought that comparing enya to a dragon was genious. Very thematically appropriate.

One actual criticism. You keep putting a period after Lord in "Lord. Burk" and there shouldn't be one. Just like you would only use a period if he was called "Mr. Burk" and not if he was "Mister Burk". The character himself was neat though.
  





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Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:46 pm
polinkacreations says...



Hey there:) Yay, another chapter! I guess I'll just dive straight into it, and I will then give you a general overview.
I have never missed a night’s sleep.
- I like this first line. Suspense straight away - impressive!
I hate them kind of things.
- I hate those things/I hate those kinds of thing.
She’s just like a sleeping dragon. You never wake a dragon.
- Hahahaahah this is amazing!!
was - I was scared

craping my pants
- crapping, and secondly - I think that's a bit too crude for a piece of writing.
revolving ivory and gold ceiling was a little hypnotizing for me
- were hypnotizing.
mother’s
- mothers.
This sending
- This was sending, or as this was sending.
them lines
- the lines.
Divvy was a word we often used to describe each other.
- I like this. Adds to the personal feeling, and makes the scene more real. Well done, these little details make your writing stronger.
You see my point.
- What point?
“They’re fucking great aren’t they?”
- Ahhh, erase the fucking. Not very fitting, sorry. Informal can be performed in other ways.
manikins
- mannequins.
(It is on of them facts only me and Enya have proper boobs,
- It's a fact that.... In a matter of fact, ...
her self.
- herself.
I broke the pair up, they could be so immature sometimes.
- I broke them up. They could be so ...
It was a little bit, well over the top,
- a little bit, or well over the top? :D
it’s self
- itself.
too.
- to.
Were
- where

Is the Lord called Burk? Then don't put the stop after "Lord". It's a little confusing.

seam
- seem
queen or something
- queen, or something.
“What kind of a piss take is that outfit!”
- you really think a teacher would say that?
That was one awkward lesson.
- good ending.

So, overall - I like the development of your characters in this chapter. I also like how the plot evolves - but what about the incident in the night? Is that going to come later? I really want to know more about that evil outburst! :D
You are becoming better at writing. Just replace the "mannequin" - you got it wrong in a couple more places, but aside from the grammar, your plot is good. It evolves very fast, and I would sometimes like a bit more description, for example in the school - how it looks like, what's it inside, for me to get a sense of what I'm reading - like I'm watching a movie in my head, and not just seeing heads talk.
That's a little improvement to consider.
Anyways, thank you for asking me to review this, glad to see you improving! :D
Keep up the good work ;)
xxx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
  








The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle