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Watchful (Edited Version)



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Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:24 am
polkadottiger2 says...



Prologue
He found her sitting hunched in an alley, bloodied and bruised. She didn't notice as he approached. She didn't protest as he lifted her off of the hard concrete surface below her broken body. She had no fight left in her.
He held her close to his body, surprised by her lightness. What had happened to her? How could anyone harm someone so fragile? He wondered how old she was. She couldn't be older then eighteen. He looked down at her closed eyelids. She looked angelic, despite the blood dried on to her face and the scarlet line that dripped from the corner of her lip. He wondered briefly where he would take her. But the answer was obvious. He would take her back to them and they would decide. They would decide whether or not she was a threat, if she could be trusted. They would decide whether or not she was worth being sent out into the real world. Or if she was bound, like him, to stay here in this nightmare. He wished he could set her free, send her off to the good world. The safe haven that he was so cursed as to never lay eyes on. He almost would have. But he knew that they had eyes everywhere, and his penalty would be death.

Chp.1
Scarlet awoke with a start as the morning bell chimed. The town square was already bustling with activity and all she could see from her place in the corner of the square were men's boots and women's bare feet. She pulled herself hastily up, gathering her few belongings in preparation for the day ahead of her.
Scarlet dodged and ducked her way through the crowds as she made her way out to the farm. There was only one farm in Jeneyah and it provided work for many of the villagers. Scarlet was in charge of picking weeds and berries and sometimes shucking corn. It was hard work in the hot sun but it did have its advantages. Each day she was allowed to bring home a pouch full of berries and, if she was lucky, a few vegetables. She also got her daily pass that she could exchange for bread and cheese when the merchants came through. Scarlet was just getting used to working all of the time. It had only been a month since her mother had died from a horrible illness that had hit many, and her father had disappeared when she was very young. Many still grieved over her mothers death and although she missed her, Scarlet was determined not to let it stop her. She would provide for herself, and one day she would be just as respected as her widowed mother had been.
A loud voice jolted Scarlet out of her thoughts.
“You! Blondie! Get to work!”
Scarlet's boss was a short stout man with messy, greying hair and although he did nothing but yell all day, he would not stand for anyone else not doing there job.
She pulled her mothers rusty shovel out of her overall pocket and got to work on the weeds.
Scarlet worked hard through the day with the sun hot on her back. It seemed like an eternity before it was finally time to return to the square for the merchants arrival.
The town square was always crowded, but when the merchants came, it was the worst. People competed like animals to get to the front of the crowd, as the guards tried helplessly to keep them back. Scarlet had learned quickly that it was the safest choice to stay near the back of the crowd and rely on the merchants to budget the supplies. Unfortunately, it also limited her choices. By the time Scarlet reached the wagon, all that was left were burnt scraps of bread and the stale cheese from the edges. She handed in her pass and began to scrounge up what she could, when a voice came from behind her.
“Hey there.”
Scarlet whipped around to see a tall handsome figure looming over her. His shaggy brown hair fell into ice blue eyes and a mischievous grin played across his face. He wore a tattered brown shirt and baggy pants. Scarlet noticed a knife sticking out from his belt and the handle of a gun just barely visible in his boot.
“Uh..hi,” she stuttered, shoving her pitiful meal into her pockets.
The boy made a show of scooping up a few stray crumbs from the wagon before turning back to her. “It's Scarlet isn't it?”
Scarlet was taken aback by his question. Most people simply referred to her as Rose's daughter.
“Yeah...should I know you?” she asked. He chuckled.
“Nah, I guess not. I'm not from around here.” He pulled an apple out from a sack slung carelessly over his shoulder and took a huge bite. Scarlet's mouth watered at the sight but she kept her emotions well hidden.
“So, if not here, where are you from?
“It's not too fantastic. But, its not really to far from here...”
Scarlet was once again taken by surprise. Was this boy suggesting that she come with him? Well, it wasn't going to happen. She couldn't trust him. No one could be trusted in a town of murder and crime. Even going to sleep each night could be a terror.
Scarlet looked back up at the boy and found that he was staring back at her intently. Studying her. She opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it.
“Well, I guess I should be going,” he said and with that he turned and strode confidently through the crowd, leaving Scarlet both confused and relieved. Had she misread the signs? What else could he possibly have meant? Could his description really have been so harmless? Certainly there had to be something behind it. Scarlet stared off into the crowd where he had disappeared but there was not a trace left but an apple core.
The day dragged on painfully slowly with nothing to do but watch as people came and went. Scarlet smiled as a small child weaved her way through the crowd to a women waiting with open arms. She remembered what it was like to be held like that. She wrapped her arms around herself, shivering in the cool evening air.
She wondered where the boy from earlier had went to. The nearest village took two days to walk to and you would not want to get stuck out in the night on your own. There was an old legend about a group of people called the Watchful. It said that the Watchful watched over every living thing and if anyone tried to escape out to “the good world” they would be killed. Scarlet had heard wonderful things about the good world. That everyone there was friendly and no one would dream of doing anything to hurt anyone else. Of course this also meant that no bad person would be permitted. Scarlet knew that as a child she had been tested to enter the world but had been denied. She often wondered if the whole legend was just made up to make people behave. Maybe there just wasn't anything better.
Scarlet curled into a tight ball and squeezed her eyes shut. Tomorrow would be another hard day.

Chp.2
“Who do you think you are? Waltzing in here with a pile of food and flaunting it around for us all to see. You probably stole it all!”
Scarlet awoke to the sound of men angrily bickering. This wasn't unusual in Jeneyah but the second mans voice jolted Scarlet fully into the waking world. It was the boy from yesterday.
“Sorry to upset you Sir. I was making a... delivery.”
Scarlet looked up in time to see the boy walking straight towards her. He seemed to have the attention of every eye in the square. Without saying a word the boy began to empty his sack out in front of her. Scarlet's eyes widened in amazement. Fruits she had only dreamed of before, dried meats and the freshest bread she had ever seen. Her empty stomach gurgled in anticipation. But...
“.....Why?” she asked. “I don't even know your name.”
“Pierce,” he said softly. Scarlet was aware that he hadn't really answered her question. Pierce started to get up and walk away but Scarlet called after him. He couldn't leave that quickly. Besides, if he left now no one would be there to stop the man that Pierce had been arguing with from stealing her food.
“Hey! Where are you going? Who are you?”
Pierce turned back, deliberately slowly and walked casually back to where she was sitting. Everyone was still watching him intently. Scarlet really wished they would look away. He crouched down so that he was level with her.
“This is gonna take a fair bit of explaining sweetheart,” he murmured. He had a slight accent that Scarlet could not quite place.
“I've got time,” she said, looking at him expectantly. Instead of answering her question, he rose from his crouch.
“Well come on then. It's not far to where I'm staying.” Scarlet gazed up at him.
“I never agreed to go anywhere with you!”
“Oh come on now, I won't hurt you. Why would I give you all of this food if my intention was to hurt you?”
“Maybe that's your plan. Gain my trust and then lure me away and do...do whatever it is people like you do!” Despite her attempts to sound tough, Pierce chuckled lightly.
“Well I can assure you I-” a loud voice stopped him from finishing.
“Leave the poor girl alone! Isn't it enough that her mother died? Now you have to come in and torment her too?”
Scarlet recognized the man who had been arguing with Pierce earlier that day. He was a tall burly man with greasy brown hair and a few missing teeth. He looked like he had gotten into many fights in his lifetime.
Pierce slowly raised his eyes to look at the man.
“I don't want a fight,” he said. His calm voice hid an icy threat. The man held Pierce's gaze, but addressed Scarlet instead.
“Scarlet, the choice is yours. Leave with this stranger, or stay here with all of us. I made a promise to your mother that I would keep you safe as long as you were in the village, but I can't force you to stay.”
Scarlet looked from the handsome boy standing in front of her, to the familiar faces all around the square. She knew she didn't really have a place left in the square, but did she really have a better chance with this boy? He was a complete stranger to her. Yet there was something about the way he held himself, the way he walked with such confidence, the kindness in his voice when he spoke to her, and overall, the way he looked at her. Straight into her eyes as if by doing this, he could read her thoughts. Learn everything about her. He seemed to observe her very soul, but still, she couldn't trust him, and she knew that there were many people in the world who were gifted with the art of deceit.
Scarlet stood up and faced Pierce.
“I'm sorry but I cannot leave with you. I belong here with my friends, the people I have been with my whole life.”
“I will respect your choice. But I must ask one question. Do you really want to stay here?”
Scarlet faltered for a heartbeat before answering.
“I like it here.” Her voice sounded unsure even to her own ears. To her disgust the boy smirked.
“I'll be close if you change your mind.” And with that he left, every eye in the crowd following him. He did not look back once.

Chp.3
It didn't take long after Pierce left for everyone to return to their usual routines, and Scarlet was left to do the same. She couldn't get Pierce off of her mind. She even felt a pang of regret that she had not went with him. What if she never got to see him again? What if that was her only chance to really make something of her life? But he had said he would be near, and she could almost feel his presence. She imagined him hiding in the crowds, watching her from a distance and she shivered. She wondered if she would be able to help herself if he asked her to come with him again. She would have to. For her own good. She shook herself out of her thoughts and headed towards the farm, not even hungry for her leftover berries from the day before.


Sorry to end so suddenly! I'll update soon, PLEASE REVIEW!
Last edited by polkadottiger2 on Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:52 am
Kei says...



Big improvement from your unedited version, definitely. It's great so far! A few things here and there-

“Hey there.” Scarlet whipped around to see a tall handsome figure looming over her.

“Sorry to upset you Sir. I was making a... delivery.” Scarlet looked up in time to see the boy walking straight towards her.

I would seperate these since Scarlet isn't saying this. There are a few of these scattered in the story.

“Well, I guess I should be going.” He said -It should be, "Well, I guess I should be going," he said
“I don't want a fight.” He said. - Same with this one. Again, a few of these here and there.

“.....why?” -First letter should be capitalized.


Other than a few minor grammatical errors such as the ones above, I couldn't find anything else. Your words are very descriptive and your characters' personalities are portrayed very well. Same goes for the setting. Just make Chapter Three a little longer. ;)

Keep it up! I want to hear more about Pierce!
-Kei
  





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Sun Oct 30, 2011 10:58 pm
StoryWeaver13 says...



I never saw the original version, but this is a pretty good start! I do have one problem though, and in my personal opinion it's a rather big one. On the other hand, it's so much a matter of opinion I'm not sure how much this will mean to you. Your characters. They seem starkly cookie-cutter characters of beautifully innocent yet tragically naive and distrusting girl + picturesque "prince charming" with a potential dark side. We don't need a novel of gods and goddesses, in fact doing the opposite is often what makes the story more relateable. Yet there is definitely an interesting start to this, and I think you've got an interesting potential for this, so keep writing, and do it as you wish, not necessarily to fit my (or anyone else's) perspective of what this should be.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  





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Tue Nov 01, 2011 1:43 pm
truebeauty89 says...



This is amazing work. The story capture my attention from the 1st paragraph. Your attention to detail makes it even more entertaining as I read along. I can't wait to read more. Great Job =)
"Passion makes the best observations and the sorriest conclusions."
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Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:08 am
Stargirl101 says...



This is a beautiful piece of work! Everything fits together perfectly and I cannot wait to read more!
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  








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