z

Young Writers Society


Shadowed Tracks (Prologue)



User avatar
67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:40 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



The streets were cold... for a human. Well, that was what Gregory was making it look like.
"How can you walk around in a short sleeved shirt like that?" he asked. "It's the middle of December!".
He was right, well I guess having seen so many bitter months it didn't really strike me as very noticable. Then again, having blood that was cold as ice did help with blocking out the freezing conditions.
"Where are we going again?" Gregory muttered. "Something about a meeting?"

"Yeah, something like that" I grinned back.

"Who with?"

"You'll see". We stopped outside a small cafe called 'The Corner Coffee Creationists". Hm, alliteration? From a Refractor? How quaint. I could tell the door was locked, mainly as it was midnight... and Refractors were a paranoid bunch. I closed my eyes and pushed the darkness through me, allowing me to expel a tendrill of darkness from my hand into the lock. I listened closely as I picked the lock. I heard a sudden click and opened the door slowly. "Stay here. Make sure nobody looks into the window" I whispered to Gregory. As a mortal he was quite useful, he was very perceptive and loyal, two things that weren't easy to come across in a mortal. He wanted me to take him on as an apprentice, to become a Necromancer. It was very unusual for someone to make such a swift choice about something that would change your life forever. And not necessarily for the best.

The door closed behind me, and the strong smell of coffee drifted through the air. The room was a brilliant cream with a tan border, not as if any mortal could tell that in the terrible lighting conditions. Being a Necromancer I can see in the pitch-black darkness as well as well as I can in daylight, as well as bend the darkness around me. Remembering this, I shifted the shadows from the tables over the windows to black them out. As muh as I wanted to kill a pathetic little civillian that stuck their nose in Warlock business, I needed to settle things here without attracting attention. I walked towards the stairs, sweeping my hand across a smooth oak table which too maintained the bitter cold from the outside. Quick as a flash I turned and expelled a wave of darkness from my hands, and a figure flew over the counter to hit a rather hard refrigerator. "Good evening Cereus," I chuckled, "just here to tie up a few loose ends".

"What do you want with me Umbrim?" Cereus replied, up as quick as flash to the table a few metres away from me. That was the thing with Refractors, they could move a MAC speeds, and concentrate light into painful bursts of energy. Luckily, Cereus Velox was a relatively weak Refractor, and I a very powerful Necromancer.

"I need you dead. You've seen me around the town, and the last thing I need is the Bereau up my arse again"

"I promise I won't tell! Honest! Just leave me alive!". He was actually shaking. His middle-aged body, dressed in a cream jumper and khaki trousers, was rather small, and he knew he could never compare to me in a fight.

"I can't take that risk, and you know that I would never let you live anyway". A black tendrill shot out from my palm and impaled the Warlocks body, pinning him to the floor. His blue eyes started to weep, but I didn't feel mercy, Necromancers have very little emotion inside them, that's what makes us so formidable. We are not blinded by such pathetic feelings, we just live using practicality. I delivered the killing blow by skewering his head with another tendril, and the crimson fluid from his head leaked into his ruffled chestnut hair.

I went upstairs to search his bedroom for that letter he wrote when I visited this place during the day. No doubt it was a report to the Global Bereau Of Immortal Lawbringers, who I had managed to evade for the past fourteen years. I just started to settle down in this pathetic place these mortals called a 'City', but yet again another Warlock had a sense of justice and decided to try and report me to the Bureau. I spilled all the clothes and objects from the drawers and shelves, yet I could not find the letter. "Shit".

I walked back into the freezing cold streets, locking the door behind me. "How was the meeting? I heard an awful crash".

"Not now Gregory. We have to go. Again"

"Now where to?"

"I don't know. How about Germany? America is getting a little tired now, don't you think?"

"Whatever you say Rerus. To Munich it is"

"Yes, Munich sounds good, check for the next flight within ten hours"

Gregory whipped out his phone, computer thing. I don't know what it is but it seems quite useful to the humans, not like a superior being such as I needed one. We walked along the bland footpath through the brightly lit streets of New York, heading to the airport to yet again another safe-haven. But I knew it was only a matter of time before they caught up with me, although I was praying that day would be for a while yet.
Last edited by DarknecrosisX on Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





User avatar
9 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 285
Reviews: 9
Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:50 am
View Likes
ArahAkachi1 says...



Love This keep it coming :)
Writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And then the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as I am!
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:05 am
View Likes
Leahweird says...



Definitely a good start to something. I have teo critisisms though. First, this is just a nitpick but I think you spelled "bureau" wrong. (Unless you were trying to say somthing else. It needs to be made clearer if that is the case.)

Secondly, the opening is rather abrupt, mostly because we know nothing about your character at this point. I think it might be more effective to start directly with Gregory's line, and then have the necromancer make his comment about not feeling the cold. This is just my opinion though.
  





User avatar
29 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2005
Reviews: 29
Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:50 pm
Crow29 says...



Just a few nitpicks really.
Firstly, watch your spelling, grammar, tenses and this will be a lot better. Check things out if you're not sure. For example, it's MACH not MAC.
Also, maybe a bit of background on things like refractors and the bureau. You didn't really give ny indication as to how bad having
the Bereau up my arse again
actually is. Bureau doesn't sound too scary really.
As an idea, I don;t get much of a sense of what is going on. If this was chapter 1 or 2, I'd be a lot more unimpressed, but as this is a prologue it's forgivable, mostly because the detail will be coming later.
Other than that, not a lot. Gonna read chapter 1 now :D
Crow29
At the end of the day, when the sun is gone and the light is lost, the shadows will play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV9IJVoFR_Q
  





User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 281
Reviews: 5
Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:30 pm
View Likes
TyrantOfWar says...



Hi, it's me. Anyway, contradicting what Leah and Crow said I do think bureau is spelt right. The necromancer Umbrim is exactly what a necromancer should be so well done. :)

Now onto the criticism (I promise not too be too harsh):

The reader actually doesn't know too much about Umbrim apart from that he is a merciless biatch (I like it) and I would also like to know what was the letter is.

Anyway I did enjoy and will read onto the first chapter.
I want to see you choke on your lies,
Swallow up your greed,
Suffer all alone in your misery.


My Life Story:
Lies Greed Misery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dq9q6afIP8
  





User avatar
67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:05 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Firstly Mad Dog, no swearing, especially not on my novel, so edit your post or I will... yeah, you get the picture.

Secondly, the letter was reporting Umbrim to the Bureau.

Thirdly, I corrected the spelling of Bureau.

So, yeah... I hope you enjoy the rest of the novel. :)
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  








*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits