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Cocktail (chapter one)



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Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:14 am
psudiname says...



Chapter One
Matt
I went over the plan one final time to make sure everyone knew what they were doing. Raleigh was smiling broadly, anticipating the job to come. I often wondered if she stuck with us for the money or just for the thrill.

"I'm ready," she said excitedly.

"Bring them to their knees," I said. She nodded and got up from the park bench. As she made her way across the bustling city street to the entrance of the office building, I stood up.

"Give her two minutes then make the call," I told Roderick.

"Alright Matt, everything is set up, now we just have to wait."

Roderick was our hacker. His skill with electronics and technology was more than just impressive, it was beautiful. With his skill set, Roderick could perform feats that made hacking look like an art.

"That should be good, she's had enough time," I told him, after a few minutes had gone by. Pressing the on button on his earpiece, he tapped a button on his laptop. The computer patched him through to the office of security in the building under a false answering machine.

"Hello?"

"Hello," he responded, taking on an official tone, "This is Ike Stevenson with securicorp, our monitors are saying that one of your active security cameras has gone dead, are you experiencing any trouble like that?"

"I'm sorry who is this?" The confused security guard responded.

"Securicorp? You know, the company you hired to fix your security equipment? Our system tells us whenever your equipment is malfunctioning, and we just got an error report from one of your cameras. Camera nine I think?"

"I don't remember hiring a--- oh wait, one of our cameras is on the fritz, what should we do?"

Roderick grinned in victory. "Just sit tight, we'll be down there in five minutes."

"Good work mate," I told him, elated that the first step went so smoothly.

"Thanks, but the hard part is still to come. You really think Raleigh can keep the CEO away from his office long enough?"

"Rod, if anyone can do it, it's our girl Raleigh."

I wasn't lying. Raleigh was our people person. She was the social one, a skill that played a major part in almost all of the jobs we did. If she wanted the CEO away from his office, I had no doubt that she could get him to do it. When Raleigh said 'jump', most people would argue over who gets to ask 'how high'. She was also an adept pickpocket, which in this particular job was an essential part of the plan.

"Alright, it's been a couple of minutes, let's bring the van around."

"Sounds good. Lisa, we'll keep in touch," Roderick said, tapping the earpiece in his right ear.

She turned hers on and nodded.

"See you guys when this is over."


The security guard was taken aback by our professionalism and, merely stood in the corner dumbfounded as we worked. He had given us full access to the surveillance room, which included full access to all of the cameras. From here we could see every part of the building, and turn the cameras off and on at will. Passing as an electrician and his assistant, Roderick and I began examining inconsequential wires to keep up the act, in the hopes that the security guard would not get suspicious while we waited for the next stage of the plan to commence.

"So what are you guys doing down there? Can you explain some of this to me?"

I cringed and held my breath, hoping he didn't have extensive knowledge of wiring and cameras.

"well, you see," Roderick replied without skipping a beat, "This micro converter isn't syncing with the transient line that leads to the camera, so as soon as I get the nano resonance under control here we're going to have to shut down the system so we can isolate the problem."

"I see..." the guard said, looking twice as confused as before. I let out a sigh and relaxed, continuing a debate about nonexistent electronic terms with Roderick to keep up the cover. My real job at this phase was to monitor the camera feeds around the building to see what progress Raleigh was making. As it turned out, she was making incredible progress, and was now in a full blown conversation with the CEO. As a young man in his late thirties, Raleigh's twenty four year old looks and charm had seemed to entrance him, and as I watched the two of them on the screen, he never took his eyes off of her. This was good, considering the more focused he was on her, the less focused he would be on the keycard in his front pocket of his suit jacket. It's only a matter of time now, I thought, as I watched her make another subtle flirtatious move.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back," I told the security guard, who was still trying to decipher what Roderick was doing to the wiring. He made no objection. Once I was outside of the surveillance room, I tapped my earpiece and gave Lisa the green light to move in.

Lisa was our combat expert. A second degree black belt in three styles of martial arts, Lisa had a knack for weapons of all sorts, and practiced at the gun range quite frequently. While we had never needed anyone killed before, there is no such thing as 'too careful' for a group of professional thieves. If it came down to it, we might need someone to ensure our escape with deadly force, and Lisa served that role. Her main uses during each job dealt with her acrobatic skills however, and most of the time she was the one climbing buildings or evading security devices. This job was different. This job, we were pulling off in broad daylight, in a building filled with people. Her goal this time was to use the CEO's keycard to get into his office and take what we needed. I could have done it myself, but in the event that someone walked in on her stealing sensitive information, she was far more qualified to beat someone senseless and shove them in a broom closet.

"Ok, it looks like we're ready to isolate the problem," I said, noticing Raleigh inconspicuously passing Lisa the keycard on one of the cameras. Roderick agreed, and right on cue, cut the feed coming from every camera in the building. When the head of security would review the footage, he would find nothing but a convenient several minutes of static. Now it was just a question of Lisa finishing the job.
~~~
Like what your read? interested in reading how it ends? the next chapter is only 700 words, and can be read right here: topic90809.html
Last edited by psudiname on Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:51 pm
TheBucketman says...



I actually thought that this was a good start to a novel. It got me wondering exactly what they aime to accomplish, and why. Also, I enjoyed how after each character was mentioned or spoke, they were described, and every character seems to fit into the story in their own way so far. I really liked it, so feel free to post the next chapter or two in my the Review Warehouse!
  





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Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:54 am
crescent says...



"I don't remember hiring a--- oh wait, one of our cameras is on the fritz, what should we do?"

This line seems a bit out of place. The security guard goes from skepticism to total trust within the duration of this line. I would imagine that his skepticism wouldn't fade so quickly.

The security guard was taken aback by our professionalism and, merely stood in the corner dumbfounded as we worked.
If they've tricked the security guard into believing that they're from "Securicorp" to fix the broken camera, shouldn't the security guard expect them to act professionally? After all, they're supposedly professionals.

When one writes a book, how it should be written all depends on the audience. You tell a lot in the story in comparison to showing the reader. If this is for a younger audience (5-12) it's okay, but if you're targeting older audience (young adults), I'd suggest showing more. In this chapter, you've introduced the reader to the main characters, but the reader has no idea why exactly the MCs are doing. They're breaking and entering and their thieves, but we don't know the details of this hunt. What exactly are they trying to steal this time? Right now, especially while your novel is young, just focus on cranking out the first draft. There are many opportunities for edits and rewrites later, but a first draft is more valuable than a bunch of great beginnings.
Happy Writing!

-Crecent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

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Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:17 am
Lava says...



Hey psud!

I know I'm late in getting this review but the rains have been keeping my internets all creepywonky.

So. I liked this. It was a good start, good use of mystery that makes a reader want to know more. Good use of action. So wahey! Good job!

Onto the comments now:

This is me personally, but goodness, the name Raleigh always reminds me of equations. :P

Anyways,
"I don't remember hiring a--- oh wait, one of our cameras is on the fritz, what should we do?"
as crescent said he's giving in too easily. Try to add a bit more drama. Maybe he checks from some other employee there. Or have him do a full body security check as they enter. A tad more realistic would be better.

When Raleigh said 'jump', most people would argue over who gets to ask 'how high'. She was also an adept pickpocket, which in this particular job was an essential part of the plan.
Good description here. Worded well and just enough.

He had given us full access to the surveillance room, which included full access to all of the cameras.
What happened to their security head dude? shouldn't these people give them access? How is it that as soon as they're here, they get full access? The security dude should confirm with his superiors, ja, to prevent unauthorized access?

Your dialogue is good, but it could benefit with some dialogue tags. Merely because that simple 'he/she said' will give a better sense of who's talking when you're reading.
"So what are you guys doing down there? Can you explain some of this to me?"
This line annoys me. I'm not entirely sure why but it's like hanging there with no support. No emotion or thought attached to this line. It seems too fleeting to be fixed in. So, try re-phrasin/ add a bit more description.

The one thing is, if they're watching Rayleigh on the cameras, won't the head security also see their faces when he reviews the tapes?

Good work, psud!

Onto next chapter now.

~L.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:34 pm
tinkembell says...



Hi Psudiname! Finally here to review ;).

First of all, I really liked this, good suspense, and action. Normally this wouldn't be my kind of novel, but there's something interesting about this that draws me in.

On to the critique!

The start is a bit awkward, I can't quite place why, but I think it's a mixture of a very short sentence, and not knowing exactly what's even going on. It hasn't really got that hook that you'd want in the first line of a novel. I like the part after the first sentence, maybe it'd sound better if you just cut the first line or changed it.

I often wondered if she stuck with us for the money


I think this would read better if you changed 'if' to 'whether' ^^.

She nodded and got up from the park bench. As she made her way across the bustling city street to the entrance of the office building, I stood up.


Notice how short your sentences are? If you look' it's like this the whole way through, and really ruins the flow of an awesome story. A few short sentences are fine for suspense, but try to vary that, connect a few sentences together here and there to make it a little longer and more natural.

Roderick was our hacker. His skill with electronics and technology was more than just impressive, it was beautiful. With his skill set, Roderick could perform feats that made hacking look like an art.


While it's nice to introduce your characters (which you've done for every one), I think you should be following the show don't tell rule here. Instead of telling us that Roderick is brilliant at hacking, why don't you try and show it? It would be a bit strange for you to talk about someone you know in every detail, if you already know them you'd assume everyone else did, so the details would show through that character's actions instead of your words.

I agree with the other reviewers that the security guard gives in a little too easily, I think it's a bit unrealistic. Perhaps some more professionally sounding talk, something said to convince the guard that they're telling the truth.

elated that the first step went smoothly

you really think think Raleigh can keep the CEO away from his office long enough?


Here's where I get a little confused, before it seems like they're really good at what they're doing, experienced ect. When thes lines are said, I can sense a little uncertainty of the missions success. Is this their first time doing something like this? I think you should elaborate on that a little more.

I aslo agree with the fact the security guard shouldn't be taken aback at their professionalism if he truly believes they work for the company. The 'so what are you guys doing' line is a bit weird too. Why should he care? He seems a bit vunerable for a security guard, heh.

[quote]Well, you see," Roderick replied without skipping a beat, "This micro converter isn't syncing with the transient line..."
Everything he says there is just so much loff<3

I loved the ending of the chapter! it was very cliffhanger, and you had the 'I must keep reading to find out what happens next' sort of vibe. However, I feel that the very last line was a bit boring, I think it would be better ending on static.

Overall, this was really good XD.

Keep up the writing,

~Tinkem.
"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
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