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Young Writers Society


The Nightmare



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Gender: Female
Points: 1010
Reviews: 3
Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:18 am
LittleMiss says...



I stumbled forward through a tangle of vines, and took another glance around the lush forest, hoping to push a surge of renaissance. Something was too familiar about the thorn thickets and barriers of timber surrounding me; I just couldn’t dub it accurately.

A soft breeze ruffled my hair as and faint whispers of scattered words slithered from every direction.

“Desirae,” a soft voice sang, gently louder than the rest. I reeled around and looked to the right; no one was there. I moved my gaze to the left, yet the orator of the voice remained unseen.

An aroma of sweet-smelling cologne pervaded the air, teasing my nose. I brushed my awareness of the vague familiarity begging to fill my mind with something rather than empty memories, and listened closer for a second calling.

“Desiraaae,” a husky voice called my name, harsher than the first one. My ears perked up for a moment, then my hopes drooped; the voices were so conversant, but it was all too ambiguous.

A swarm of bats swooped overhead, and I ducked with a yelp as they passed to the northern extent of the woods. Hastily, I moved forward. The echo of a thin twig cracking permeated the woods, sending a chill down my back as the visual of several unpleasant creatures awakening lingered in sight.

“Desiraaaee… go on…” the voices began to fade as a stroke of recollection hit me. I grasped the memory I was looking for, and I knew that if I didn’t hurry; everything was going to disappear like it had before.
“Desiraaeee,” the whisper sang again in a tone bribing me forth.

I cautiously peered ahead, where the tiny house stood, looking as it had every time before: rusty red, and deserted.
Vigilantly, but hurriedly, I entered, unprepared for the painful image. My heart fluttered rapidly, and my feet clamped. There I was, dead; skin paled and a knife pierced through my heart. Blood slid down my torso, and settled into a puddle I was lying in. I squeezed my eyes shut, but the image had already sewn itself to the inside of my eyelids. I strained to turn and run, but all I could do was stand there and scream.

Spoiler! :
This is a excerpt of a novel I'm writing. I'd like all feedback I can get on my writing style, and everything. Thank-you everyone! :)
Little Miss
  





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19 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1245
Reviews: 19
Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:34 pm
volleyball13 says...



It's got good potential. If you're writing it geared toward teens, then use more known words. Make sure to add lots of details. I would love to read more!!!
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
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Gender: Male
Points: 300
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Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:26 pm
horrorwriter23 says...



It need more detail and scary parts. I would love to read more of it. If you had details.
  





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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 806
Reviews: 7
Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:17 pm
CharityDawn says...



This shows potential! It's the type of story that had me wondering what was coming next up until the last sentence. It was unclear, giving me a foggy sort of impression. And that isn't necessarily a good thing.
I love where you are going with the story, but the set-up is very unclear, making it hard for the reader to relate at all to your character. For example; maybe you could give more insight as to why the voices were haunting her?
There were quite a few run-on sentences where you tried to fit in too many good descriptions at once. I would suggest saving the description for a later sentence where it can fit together smoothly with the preceding sentence.
A few words seemed very out-of-place like 'renaissance'. Sometimes smaller words are better, especially if your using lots of adjectives.
Over-all, I would suggest focusing on keeping your words smooth.
Your writing has potential! Keep up the good work!
*we wear our scarves just like a noose,
but not 'cause we want eternal sleep.*
  








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