z

Young Writers Society


The Watchers.. Prologue attempt



User avatar
29 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 571
Reviews: 29
Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:39 pm
Benrobertringrose says...



The Watchers.


Ever felt as if you’re being watched? As it happens you are.


Loneliness. It’s something people run from, fear even. Yet for me I find a degree of comfort and solace in my loneliness. Socially I have always struggled, actually struggled is an overstatement. To tell the truth my social life had been nothing other than a string of failures. But then who would want to be friends with a boy with an appearance as peculiar as mine. I wield a curly mop of ginger hair; this puts me at an immediate disadvantage. Although to prevent myself being too discriminatory towards gingers, statistically about one in ten will turn out to be actually quite popular. I just don’t happen to be that ginger. Then again, even if I wasn’t ginger my numerous over faults restrict my ability to be prime friend material. For a boy of sixteen I’m incredibly tall yet incredibly skinny. Not a potent mix. I stand out like a gingerly inflamed sore thumb.


The school bullies remind me daily that I’m buck toothed. They have even gone to the trouble of naming me the ginger stallion; apparently I resemble a ginger horse. I guess they have a point. My face is gaunt, the skin tight against the bones that jut out at unusual angles. Thankfully my nose is just a standard nose, perhaps a little long but I’ve always assumed that’s how a boys nose was meant to be. Or maybe that just enhances my horse like comparisons. Well my eyes, as it happens I like my eyes. They are by no means normal but that surely comes as no surprise. My eyes are green, bright green, sharp green even. Also I have good eyesight, don’t forget this seemingly minute detail. It’s my eyesight that got me into this mess.


When you’re the subject of bullying you try to become invisible, as I’ve already mentioned this was never easy for me. But after years of practice, I’m finally getting there. So I sit, as ever on my own, and I watch, I observe, see things that others don’t. Until one day I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see. I named them the Watchers. Because that’s what they are, Watchers. And they watch us. Have you ever felt as if you’re being watched? As it happens you are.


Oh I forgot to mention my name, I’m Gerald.
Last edited by Benrobertringrose on Fri Nov 25, 2011 12:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 690
Reviews: 1
Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:56 pm
tanyax says...



I really enjoyed reading this piece, I really like how secluded you made the character feel for the reader, the loneliness is well portrayed. If you decide to continue it I think you should be careful not to head into the big brother type story line, something more original would make it an exciting read.
Thanks
  





User avatar
304 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22897
Reviews: 304
Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:43 pm
barefootrunner says...



This prologue is intriguing and ominous, with fantastic character mixed in! I already like Gerald. There were isolated typos which I'm just going to go over, but your writing style is superb.
Benrobertringrose wrote:struggled is an overstatement.

I think you meant understatement. An overstatement is an exaggeration.
Benrobertringrose wrote:my numerous over faults

Other faults?
Benrobertringrose wrote:that’s how a boys nose was meant to be.

Boy's nose?
Benrobertringrose wrote:horse like comparisons.

Horse-like could work better.
Benrobertringrose wrote:Oh I forgot to mention my name, I’m Gerald.

This isn't wrong, but to get in an impressive pause, you could try: Oh, I forgot to mention my name. I'm Gerald.
This just slows down the last line a bit, but it doesn't really matter.

So... what happens to Gerald? Who are the Watchers? Give me more! I can't wait!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 517
Reviews: 34
Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:49 pm
View Likes
kasimkaey says...



This was a good read. I don't normally read stuff from the first person point of view because I feel that a third person point of view gives the writer the freedom to include more information and other character's point of view, but this, this I could potentially relate to. Although I wouldn't say I was incredibly interested, I do think that the idea of being watched is something that could be taken so much further, so much potential lies in it. But, as Tanyax said, make it original.
By all means, continue. Your writing is excellent, apart from a few qualms that have been listed above, I didn't really see anything wrong with it. Your paragraphing was good, as was the last sentence. I like how I didn't even realise that I hadn't been told his name until you pointed it out at the end.

KasimKaey.
  








I should infinitely prefer a book.
— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice