z

Young Writers Society


Cocktail (chapter Two)



User avatar
73 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 262
Reviews: 73
Sat Nov 26, 2011 4:48 am
psudiname says...



Chapter Two
Lisa

The keycard slid easily through its respective lock, making a satisfying click as the light turned green. My heart began to beat faster and faster now that the dangerous part had started. It's funny, I thought, how extensive combat training makes you no less afraid of the unknown.

Seeing file cabinets and computers spread out before me ripe for the taking was both exhilarating and terrifying. I could only pray that Matt and the others had set everything up right, or I would soon be in handcuffs. I trusted Matt more than anyone in the world, but even geniuses make mistakes.

I knew my time was short, so I wasted none of it, breaking the file cabinet's lock with a crowbar while I waited for the USB drive to finish dispersing Roderick's malware. I then emptied as many of the documents from the cabinet as I could find into the briefcase I had brought. Anything that looked like customer lists, income reports or tax forms went into the briefcase, while the malware made copies of every file with certain keywords. Everything was going great until one variable upset the plan.

Having entered in a hurry, I neglected to make sure the door was closed completely. While it had appeared closed, it remained ever so slightly ajar, prompting a young office worker to enter the room expecting to report to the CEO. Instead, he caught a precisely aimed kick to the side of the jaw and went spiraling backwards into a file cabinet. The papers in his hand flew dramatically in every direction, drifting to the ground like autumn leaves in the wind.

A burst of panic hit me as I realized my cover was blown. I picked up the briefcase and retrieved the USB drive before rushing from the room. Closing the door behind me, I took a deep breath. Dressed in a suit, I looked just like an office worker and blended right in. I reminded myself that my cover was not really blown until someone found the body, and slowed down my pace. If I walked too quickly, I would draw too much attention, but if I walked too slow, someone might discover the body. I eventually decided on a brisk businesslike gait, and made it safely outside.

I took a breath of cold city air and laughed. Charlotte, North Carolina had never looked so beautiful. We had done it. Now came the fun part. Payday.

Matt had me standing backup as usual, in the event that anything went wrong. We had only been part of one sting operation, but ever since then Matt had always been nervous about getting paid or taking jobs. Raleigh had quickly identified the man as an FBI agent and diffused the situation, and I was confident she could do it again, but nevertheless I kept my silenced Smith and Wesson tucked inside my coat pocket.

"We have what you wanted, but we need to see our money first," Raleigh demanded.

"I already gave you the collateral, so now it's your turn. Show me the documents and I'll pay you the second half."

I began to sweep the floor of the antique shop slower so that I could grip my pistol underneath my coat with one hand. There was nobody but the client and the three of us, so if anything got ugly I could shoot without hesitation.

"Fine, take a look at them," Matt said, putting the briefcase on the table and opening it. The man flipped through the papers, checking to make sure they were not forged or faked.

"All of that, plus a USB drive with every file on the CEO's personal computer."

"This is good. You guys really live up to your reputation." The client said smiling, as he verified the information on the documents with his iphone.

"Now the money," Raleigh demanded again, giving the man a cold stare.

"Of course, here you go, twenty five grand, all in cash."

Raleigh opened the client's briefcase, and began taking out stacks of cash. After she had pulled out a sufficient amount of random bills from the case and made sure none were counterfeit, she shook hands with the man, and closed the briefcase. The deal had been made. We had won.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





User avatar
67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Sat Nov 26, 2011 9:59 am
DarknecrosisX says...



Nice, I liked the tension at the start of the chapter, and I could see how well your characters have been developed. Especially with Raleigh being an understandable, yet serious man. It was a bit short for me, but I thought it flowed extremely well, noticeably with the dialouge.

I really enjoyed this, I'll be sure to read more!

DNX :J
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





User avatar
763 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3888
Reviews: 763
Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:26 am
Lava says...



And again, psud!

Great job! Although I hope this does extend, for it being the Novels section and all. I'd hate to see it end so short with not much more of background info to digest.

I'm not generally a fan of action/adventure, but you managed to keep me interested and connected to the story without making it too cliche.

A good point to note is your tone varied from Lisa to Matt. Which is a wonderful accomplishment. Give yourself a pat.

So.
You could've have spared more detail when the employee entered the room. Because this chapter is really short, I felt you could've worked more into it. Try to add some tension and excitement in the description. The part of him entering and being kicked was heavily in the 'telling' category which is fine in some cases, but here, 'showing' would;ve upped the the tension and excitement. That entire chunk until she leaves with a business-like gait could do with some reworking.

And then,
I took a breath of cold city air and laughed. Charlotte, North Carolina had never looked so beautiful. We had done it. Now came the fun part. Payday.
you throw us a beaut of a simple sentence that tells a lot about the character.

Speaking of characters, I'm completely clueless about their ages. They seem like young 20-somethings out to earn a quick buck. And also, you need to add a but more character development info besides what you mentioned in the first chapter. What I mean is things like those innate actions and personality quirks we can get to know through description.

Do let me know if there's another chapter.

CHeers!
~L
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








I don't do time.
— Liberty