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I haven't decided on a title. Sorry.



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 2:46 am
Abigail says...



INTRO

It reached for her, gently caressing her face with its cold hands. Death patiently watched the girl, waiting for her to give up the fight. She did not give up easily, it noted. The girl, barely thirteen, was more dead then alive, but she still fought for life.

MEET ARIA

It was a cold day. Aria had opened her eyes to the sun shining through the rain, strangely enough. Its beautiful, she thought to herself, as she stretched and gently touched her feet on to the cold wood floor. She quickly pulled her feet back under the covers with a shudder.
The gentle cool wind of autumn had given way to the biting cold of winter. The sound of it wailing through the trees was enough to give any one shivers, but today it was just rain. Cold, cold rain.
“Aria! Come down stairs and help feed the horses! Your father is going to town this afternoon and needs them ready to go! And get your brother to help you!” Aria shivered, thinking of going out the door into the rain, and cuddled down deeper into her blankets. “Aria! I’m going to come up and carry you down if you don‘t come down yourself!” Aria could hear the smile in her mothers voice. She reluctantly rolled out of bed, grabbed her pillow, and marched over to Aleksandar’s room, “Wake up sleeping beauty!” She yelled hitting him in the head with her pillow. This is just the chance Alek was waiting for.
With a mighty war cry he jumped up and pummeled her. Crying out with surprise, Aria quickly recovered and hit him so hard he fell off the bed. “Are you okay?” Aria hurried around the bed, just as Alek hurtled toward the wall where she had been a minuet before. A resounding SMACK went around the room. Alek turned over on the ground, his hands covering his face, his shoulders shaking. “Oh, Alek! Are you okay?” Asked Aria hurrying over to his side, she put her arms around his shoulders. That’s when she realized his loud wailing had turned into cackling. She pulled back quickly, but not fast enough for her fourteen year old brother. WHUMP!
The laughter resumed. Alek jumped up quickly and slung Aria over his shoulder, pillow and all, and marched down stairs victoriously, to their Mother looking on with a twinkle in her eyes, and a smile on her beautiful face. “Again? I thought for sure it would be Aria with Alek on HER shoulder! What happened?” Asked their Father, teasingly. “Oh, Derek!” Rebuked Mother, laughing. “Alek, Aria, come along and eat your breakfast. The bread was hot, but not anymore.” Alek put Aria back on her feet, laughing. “ But Father don’t blame me! Alek cheated, so its not my fault!” Said Aria, pink cheeked and giggling. “Okay, okay. Your Father has a one hour ride to the nearest town, so eat fast and go out side and get the horses ready. Your Father and I have a few things we have to talk about, so hurry please.” Said Mother, sadness slowly sneaking into her eyes. “ Is it okay if Aria and I take our food out side and eat with the horses?” Asked Alek. Father smiled, “I think it would be okay. What do you think Rose?” He asked looking at their mother. “Well, I think that would be fine as long as they don’t share their food with the horses.” She replied. Alek smiled. “Oh, Mother ! Why would we do that?” Mother was smiling again now. “Oh, I don’t know. Something about all the carrots and apples disappearing maybe?” The sadness had fled as fast as it had appeared, Aria started to doubt it had ever been there.
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:14 am
Abigail says...



Sorry! This story should have gone in action, not short stories. Sorry!
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:15 am
Abigail says...



Sorry! This story should have gone in action, not short stories. Sorry!
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:16 pm
larnise says...



I like it. There are a few spots where you forgot some punctuation marks, but that should be easy enough to fix. I really like the story line you created, and there is a lot of humor in there. Keep up the good work!
Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.
-Elsa Maxwell
It is more important to have fun than be funny.
-Dr. Laurence Peter
I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
-Dr. Seuss
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 8:58 pm
lilymoore says...



Hello, Abigail! Welcome to YWS! I hope you’re having a wonderful first week! :D
Anyways, it’s reviewing time.


The gentle cool wind of autumn had given way to the biting cold of winter.


This is just a suggestion, not a correction or anything. “cool” and “cold” are very similar sounding words and to me at least, they evoke the same image. It’s just a suggestion but I think a word like “brisk” might work better in place of “cool” or “bitter” in place of “cold.” Sometimes just the smallest fine tuning of word choice can make a huge difference when it comes to the impact of a sentence. You proved this with your use of the word “wail” in the next sentence.

The biggest thing to look into is the last paragraph. Rather than try and explain all of the rules about starting new lines and dialogue punctuation, I’ll give you a little bit of homework instead (because everyone just loves homework) and give you a pair of articles to read. This first one covers a lot of the rules about dialogue. It may seem long but it’s totally worth it and it covers the rules of dialogue punctuation pretty cleanly. This article covers all of the rules about when you should begin a new paragraph. This last paragraph of yours should all be divided up by speaker. But the rest of the rules are pretty helpful too.

Otherwise, this is fairly interesting and I would love to see how and where you go with this. You’ve got the start of a solid family dynamic developed which is great and, in my opinion, pretty difficult to do. Anyways, best of luck to you and if you have any questions about the site let me or one of the other Junior Moderators – the folks with green names and we’ll be more than happy to help.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





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Sat Dec 10, 2011 5:47 pm
Niebla says...



Hey Abigail,

First of all - welcome to YWS! I hope you find everything you're looking for here.

I read this story and I really liked it. I particularly liked the introduction - it really drew me in. It was dramatic and intriguing and left me wanting to read more.

I didn't notice too many mistakes, but there are still a few I would like to point out. They're just small mistakes, but even the smallest improvements can make a story much better. :)

Its beautiful, she thought to herself, as she stretched and gently touched her feet on to the cold wood floor.


That should be it's beautiful, as you use an apostrophe when you're shortening "it is". I expect this is probably just a typing error, though.

Also, "touched" doesn't seem like quite the right verb. How about "placed" instead?

The laughter resumed. Alek jumped up quickly and slung Aria over his shoulder, pillow and all, and marched down stairs victoriously, to their Mother looking on with a twinkle in her eyes, and a smile on her beautiful face. “Again? I thought for sure it would be Aria with Alek on HER shoulder! What happened?” Asked their Father, teasingly. “Oh, Derek!” Rebuked Mother, laughing. “Alek, Aria, come along and eat your breakfast. The bread was hot, but not anymore.” Alek put Aria back on her feet, laughing. “ But Father don’t blame me! Alek cheated, so its not my fault!” Said Aria, pink cheeked and giggling. “Okay, okay. Your Father has a one hour ride to the nearest town, so eat fast and go out side and get the horses ready. Your Father and I have a few things we have to talk about, so hurry please.” Said Mother, sadness slowly sneaking into her eyes. “ Is it okay if Aria and I take our food out side and eat with the horses?” Asked Alek. Father smiled, “I think it would be okay. What do you think Rose?” He asked looking at their mother. “Well, I think that would be fine as long as they don’t share their food with the horses.” She replied. Alek smiled. “Oh, Mother ! Why would we do that?” Mother was smiling again now. “Oh, I don’t know. Something about all the carrots and apples disappearing maybe?” The sadness had fled as fast as it had appeared, Aria started to doubt it had ever been there.


This last paragraph, I think, needs to be seperated out a little bit. The general rule is that you should start a new line every time a new person speaks. It gets a little confusing otherwise.

If you changed it, your last paragraph would look like this:

The laughter resumed. Alek jumped up quickly and slung Aria over his shoulder, pillow and all, and marched down stairs victoriously, to their Mother looking on with a twinkle in her eyes, and a smile on her beautiful face.

“Again? I thought for sure it would be Aria with Alek on HER shoulder! What happened?” Asked their Father, teasingly.

“Oh, Derek!” Rebuked Mother, laughing.

“Alek, Aria, come along and eat your breakfast. The bread was hot, but not anymore.”

Alek put Aria back on her feet, laughing. “But Father don’t blame me! Alek cheated, so its not my fault!” Said Aria, pink cheeked and giggling.

“Okay, okay. Your Father has a one hour ride to the nearest town, so eat fast and go out side and get the horses ready. Your Father and I have a few things we have to talk about, so hurry please.” Said Mother, sadness slowly sneaking into her eyes.

“Is it okay if Aria and I take our food out side and eat with the horses?” Asked Alek.

Father smiled, “I think it would be okay. What do you think Rose?” He asked looking at their mother.

“Well, I think that would be fine as long as they don’t share their food with the horses.” She replied.

Alek smiled. “Oh, Mother ! Why would we do that?”

Mother was smiling again now. “Oh, I don’t know. Something about all the carrots and apples disappearing maybe?” The sadness had fled as fast as it had appeared, Aria started to doubt it had ever been there.


There's another small problem with the way you write your dialogue - one which can easily be corrected.

Father smiled, “I think it would be okay. What do you think Rose?” He asked looking at their mother.


The part where you've written "he asked" doesn't need to begin with a capital letter. Generally you would write: "I think it would be okay. What do you think, Rose?" he asked, looking at their mother. It's only a small point, but I've noticed that you do it with almost every piece of dialogue in your story. Just remember that it doesn't need to start with a capital letter as it's not really a new sentence - it confuses it a little if you do capitalise it.

“Okay, okay. Your Father has a one hour ride to the nearest town, so eat fast and go out side and get the horses ready. Your Father and I have a few things we have to talk about, so hurry please.” Said Mother, sadness slowly sneaking into her eyes.


Again, just a small point - this should be changed to: "Okay, okay. Your Father has a one hour ride to the nearest town, so eat fast and go out side and get the horses ready. Your Father and I have a few things we have to talk about, so hurry please," said mother, sadness slowly sneaking into her eyes. End the dialogue with a comma if you're going to add something like "he said" or "said Mother". Also, you don't need to begin the "said" with a capital letter.

I think that's covered just about everything! Other than for those few points I think you've done really well with this. It kept me reading and I'm still wondering what happens next.

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~
  








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