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May The World Burn, Chapter Two



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Thu Dec 15, 2011 11:54 pm
Misfit says...



Spoiler! :
You may want to read chapter one first, for you may be a tad confused. Please and thank you. --Misfit



2


Well, thanks to current events, my good mood has gone completely south. In other words, it is diminished, obliterated. This means that things are awful. Everything definitely started going downhill when we were having breakfast in the mess hall. There really isn’t much to say about this place, we barely spend any time in there. Everyone just goes in, receives the daily servings of dog food, eats gratefully, and then leaves. End of story.
I had another encounter with Brea. The girl who had, hours earlier, found me as I snuck out before dawn. Yes, this morning I saw her in the mess hall to further my sense of humiliation at being discovered.
I mean really, the nerve of her! To purposefully humiliate me during my time of weakness. What a joke! I swear, one day. One day, I’ll be the one that catches her off guard. Just wait and see.


+++


I feel something brush my arm as I walk down the corridor to my solitary unit. I casually check the corner of my eye. “Hello, Brea,” I mutter unenthusiastically.
“Well, well. Good morning sunshine. Aren’t we in a fabulous mood today?”
“I’m sorry but I don’t feel like talking at the moment,” I say as a quick move to get away from her pestering, but she catches on fast.
“Are you sneaking out again tonight?” she asks coyly.
“Leave me be,” I say quickly, another evasive move of mine.
“Oh, so you are then!” I can see the triumphant gleam in her eye. She has me and she knows it too.
I stay silent, deciding to no longer regard her presence. I quicken my pace, come on, only a few more steps until I reach my cell…
Next thing I know, she jumps in front of my door, blocking all means of escape. Brilliant.
“If you’re going out tonight, I say I get to go with you. Being trapped here, we could all use some excitement,” she says haughtily.
“I don’t think you should. It’s dangerous.”
“It’s not fair. You go all the time,” she pouts. “I’ll just follow you anyway.”
“Well, as a matter-of-fact, I won’t be going tonight. Good day.”
“Oh come on, Jo,” she says mockingly. “We both know you’re going tonight. So don’t lie. It’s a very unbecoming habit.” She then turns on her heels and skips down the corridor.
I guess I’m stuck with being followed tonight because deep down inside I know that I will in fact, go. No matter what. She’s won, and we both know it. If you haven’t been keeping score, I have. Brea-Two. Joy-Zero.

My eyes flash open as I check to see the clock mounted upon the wall. Three-fifteen AM. Perfect. I quickly toss on my uniform over my underclothes, and then head out the door. I peer sharply down the corridor, hoping that Brea isn’t there. Just as I think she isn’t going to show, there she is. Smiling mischievously, her blonde curls falling wildly over her face, and her bright green eyes. Making me feel even more of a sense on how my own looks don’t even match up to hers. It’s ridiculous really, but it makes me dislike her all the more for it.
“Finally,” she says. “I was starting to think you had left without me.”
“Oh wouldn’t that have been a darn shame?” I say as I give the most charming smile I can muster.
She falls giddily into step beside me. “What shall we do?”
“I don’t know,” I say, “Why don’t you bestow some of your wisdom upon me?”
Ignoring my rudeness completely, she says, “How about we find a way out?”
“Wait, what? Out as in out, out?”
“Of course! It’ll be quite the adventure,” she says smirking to herself.
“I don’t think we should,” I start, but am immediately cut off by her quickening footsteps traipsing down the expanse of the hall without me. I have no choice but to follow.


+++


“Look! Over here! I think I found a way out,” she whispers all too loudly.
“You thought the janitorial closet, the kitchens, and the furnace rooms were ways out as well,” I say sarcastically. This girl is really getting on my nerves.
“Well, I’m almost quite definitely sure about this one!”
“Alright, alright. Let’s have a look see, shall we?” I say as I approach the door.
I push on the handle a few times to no avail. “Locked,” I whisper urgently.
“Just when I thought I was to get out of here.” She mock-pouts for dramatic effect, clearly begging me to pick the lock.
“Fine,” I say, as I undo my hair pin and slip it easily into the lock. I slowly move it around, then slowly, the lock becomes becomes undone. A quick click later the door is open and Brea looks as if she were to burst with happiness.
“Jo,” she says as she slips by me through the door, “you are truly a genius!”
I know I dislike this girl so much, but even I can accept a compliment. I quickly nod my head and follow her.

Something unsettles me the second we step into that room. I don’t know what it is, but something just isn’t right.
“Jo, I can’t see a thing! Isn’t there a light switch somewhere you can find?”
“I’ll try, just hold on,” I say as I blindly search for a switch.
The toe of my boot catches in the floor, and I immediately feel myself falling forward. I shoot my hands out so that I can catch myself, but instead of landing on the ground I feel something warm and sticky underneath me.
“Hey, look—I found the switch!” Brea says as she flips on the switch and at the same time we both let a horrified yelp escape us. Right underneath me is a navy blue uniform just like ours, but it’s something else that colors it red; blood. I jump up quickly and cover Brea’s mouth.
“Get your hands off of me! They’re all bloody. You’re making me sick,” she says as she throws my arm off of her. In the light, I look myself over. I, too, am covered in blood. I feel something rising in my stomach, but I hold back from getting sick all over Brea.
“Sorry,” I say softly as I get closer to inspect the body.
“Who do you think it is?” Brea blurts out loudly. Geez, I’ll have to tape her mouth shut for
her to stay quiet.
“I don’t know. He looks about a year or two younger though,” I say. He does in fact look younger. Although, it is hard to really recognize him due to the fact that his face is permanently unrecognizable due to the gaping bullet wound in his forehead. Blood covers his entire head, and without looking, and even though I already know he is dead, I quickly bend down and check for a pulse. “Dead,” I mumble as I gently close his eyelids.
“How horrible! It looks like he was shot,” Brea exclaims.
“Multiple times,” I add, looking down on this boy’s corpse.
“Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, do something?” She asks. Fear changing the normal bravado her voice carries to something almost as meek as a church mouse.
I ignore Brea’s worries and listen more intently to what I believe are approaching footsteps. I hear them getting ever closer as Brea keeps rambling on. Suddenly I hear them stop in front of a door on the other side of the room.
“Brea,” I say in the softest whisper. “I need you to go behind those crates and flip the switch. You are then to stay low and not utter a single sound, right?”
“Right,” she says somewhat confused.
“Okay, now.” I whisper as I duck behind the crates, and am soon joined by Brea in the eerie darkness.
The door opens and the room is illuminated by the beam of a flashlight. I dare not peek over the crates, but I can tell that two guards have entered the room.
“You idiot,” I hear one of them say. “I told you not to make such a mess. Look at this! There’s blood everywhere!”
“Sorry sir. He was escaping. Had to stop the little twit before he got out.”
“Alright, well gimme a hand then. This body isn’t walking out by itself,” the man says. Clearly he is the more dominant of the two. I get even lower; I do not want to be discovered by these men.
“What about the blood, sir?” the one who clearly does the dirty work says.
“Leave it, Archie. We’ll be back to clean up soon as we get the stiff out of here. Now let’s go.”
“Alrigh’ then,” Archie says as they take a few labored steps due to the dead weight and shuts the door behind them, leaving a gruesome puddle of blood where the boy’s body just was.

We wait for little to no time before we rush out of there, and as Brea opens the door I try to ignore the pool of blood in my peripheral vision. We run from corridor to corridor and stop at the site where we had met seemingly ages ago.
“Well then,” Brea says as if not really sure how to part.
“Well,” I answer, “we may as well go off to bed. I myself have some washing to do. See you in the mess for breakfast then?”
“Yeah, um, thank you, Jo. Really,” she says as she trails briskly down the opposite corridor towards her room.
Right, time to head to my room. I open the door and get in around four-fifty. It takes me another hour or so to scrub all of the bloodstains out of my uniform. Unfortunately, my white underclothing shall be permanently stained red. Oh well. On that note I climb into my bunk only to be woken up two hours later. Great.


+++


It feels as if I am sleepwalking down to mess, and, who knows, I actually may be. I slowly recount the early morning horrors and, possibly, a new-found friendship. I have barely had any interaction with another human being, but now things seem a little crowded. New roommate and possibly a new friend. It’s just a tad too much for me. Who knows, it might be somewhat helpful; at least I hope it is.
As I approach the mess, I see something floating to my left. It appears to be looking at me. Must be a sentry or something. I think to myself, but as I turn around the shadow seems to disappear into thin air. My tired mind is playing tricks on me. Come onJo, just go to mess. That was nothing.
I turn on my heel and rush towards the mess hall as if my life depended on it. I’m almost there when I crash into Brea.
“Hey! What’s the deal? I was yelling your name for like a minute, and then you just crash into me! You okay, Jo? It looks as though you’ve seen a ghost,” she mocks.
Well, yes, in fact I do believe I just saw a ghost. It was right down that corridor staring at me, you see. Then, it strangely disappeared. You can go take a look if you like. Instead, I say, “No. It was nothing. Sorry.” I mean, I don’t want to seem mental now, do I?
“You sure? You seem weirder than normal,” she teases.
“Oh shut it,” I say as I pretend to be mad.
“Oh, Joy. You are truly the worst actress ever!”
“I try,” I say sarcastically, flashing my best fake smile.
Brea links her arm through mine as we set off to the mess. I quickly glance back to where I saw the mysterious shadow. Nothing. You worry too much, Jo. I keep my gaze forward as I walk with the lightest of steps. Right; I really do worry too much.


+++


Breakfast in the mess was for once, great. Of course, the food was awful, but things suddenly seem lighter now that I have a friend here. Everything seems more…normal. Over breakfast Brea and I exchange many quick glances. Each one shows our knowing of the secret we now share. The secret that now bonds us as friends.
I head down past the gate to a large, indoor stadium, fake grass, trees, and all. Except for the fact that the ceiling is made completely out of titanium steel. Yeah, good luck breaking out.
I am to report there for field training. This is by far my favorite time of the day. It is where we learn to utilize different weapons under different circumstances. Out of all people my age, let’s just say I’ll have the best chance of surviving. By far my favorite weapon is a dagger. I never use guns; I believe them to be messy and overbearing. With daggers, I can throw them from a distance, and when used right, can be the most dangerous weapon of them all.
With a fluid movement of my arm and a quick bend of the wrist, the dagger flies out of my grip and hits the dead center of the bull’s-eye. I cannot help but to smile to myself, as I see everyone else only grazing the target. I look over to where Brea is and see that she is working with a sword. She is, in fact, quite skilled. She stands in the practice circle as clay dummies pop up around her. She gracefully sweeps around the arena as she seems to cut down the enemies without the slightest hint that she’s being challenged.
I decide to go and join her; I mean I may as well. She’s sure knows how to handle that sword. “Hey, mind if I join?” I say as I stride towards the circular arena. Raising my arm slightly in greeting.
“Think you can take it?” she says challengingly.
I lift up my daggers and raise my eyebrows. “We’ll just see, won’t we?” I say, accepting the challenge.
“Alright then,” she says as she presses the button that calls our enemies upon us. She lifts up her sword as I ready my daggers. The first one pops out right behind Brea; I am about to throw my dagger just as she twirls her sword around her body, hitting it square in the chest.
“Good one,” I praise.
“Childs play,” she says, regarding me coolly before running in the opposite direction. I spy a dummy popping up about five yards to my right. I turn around, take a few long strides, and let my dagger fly across to where the throat would be. I watch as it falls, knowing a new one will pop up not far from here. I look quickly to where Brea is.
She’s surrounded by four of them, so naturally I throw a couple daggers her way, taking two of them out.
She nods in thanks as she proceeds to finish off the other two. After I retrieve my daggers Brea and I take out the other fourteen pretty handily. We are breathless by the time the last clay practice dummy falls, crumbling, the gears and electrical wiring of which it’s made up of spilling out on the ground. We nod quickly to each other. A job well done.

As I walk down the empty corridor to return to my room later on, I am again cornered by Brea. “Nice job in training today,” she says, “you aren’t half bad.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re completely horrendous either.” I say jokingly.
She dramatically bows, “Why thank you, you’re so kind!”
I start laughing at the fact that I may actually have found someone of whom I can finally have a good conversation with.
“So, where are we going tonight?” Brea says excitedly.
“Surely not!” I say harshly, “After what we saw last night, I’m not going to risk it.”
“Oh come on,” she whines, “be a sport!”
“I said no!” I say, “Anyway, I’m awfully tired. I wouldn’t be able to.”
“Fine, be that way,” she says. “Tomorrow night I’ll be at the end of the corridor. You may meet with me if you like.” She looks directly at me. “If not, I’ll understand completely.” And that is all she says before she purposefully strides down the corridor .Great now that means I have to go. If I don’t she’ll surely never waste a word on me ever again. Fantastic. The last thing I need is to lose my only possibility of a friend here.


+++


I wake in the middle of the night so suddenly I bang my head hard on the bunk above. While grimacing and muttering quiet obscenities, I see the same shadowy figure watching me in the corner of the room. As I look longer I realize it is an apparition of a man. His blue, sapphire eyes seem to see right through me; his harsh, chiseled, features make him look wolfish. I look at his expression and see one thing: hunger. He then smiles almost merrily, gives a slight wink and disappears into the darkness. Well, that’s different.
And what do you suppose that was Jo?
Nothing, just another mind trick.
Oh really?
Really.
I hope you’re right, Jo. I really do.
Why so?
It’s never a good thing to have something like that following you.
What do you mean?
Never mind. Just go to sleep, Jo. Go to sleep and forget.
I close my eyes and do as I’m told. Again, I have outsmarted myself.

That night I dream of that frightening man. With those eyes, those piercing-blue eyes. I feel naked under the scrutiny of his unfaltering gaze. I then look down and see blood spurting out of my abdomen, where embedded is a jewel encrusted dagger. My dagger.
I wake up with a jolt. That apparition that was in my room last night looked very familiar. Then it hits me, that man; the one from my room is, in fact, the same man who haunts my dreams. I feel a sudden chill and do a double-check just to make sure I am not injured. That dream- it seemed all too real. I gaze into the corner where I saw that apparition last night. Nothing. I replay the dream over and over in my head as I walk down the corridors to mess.
I then stop as my expression changes with understanding. It was in fact, the same man. I may be in some serious trouble.

“Jo! Over here, come have a seat!” Brea says happily. Great, she’s definitely milking it. She knows she won’t be able to find her way around without me. She needs my protection. Being overly nice as a ploy to get me to take her. Oh, why do I have to be so nice all the time?
“Jo,” she says getting impatient, “please come and sit!”
“Alright! I’m coming,” I say as I hurry over to where Brea sits waiting.
“So,” she whispers in my ear, “are you going to take me tonight?”
“I really can’t say no, can I?” I say with a slight smile.
She beams and throws her arms around me. “Oh I’m so happy you’ll take me! We’ll find a way out, I promise!” She says as she lets me go.
“Sounds like a plan,” I say, purposefully giving the corniest wink I can muster.
Brea cracks up and honestly, I cannot help but to join her. The happiness of laughter is a rare treat for us, and I thoroughly enjoy it. Everyone in the mess looks at us oddly. Too bad, for Brea and I don’t care. We have discovered a new sense of lightness. I just hope it lasts.


+++


At the usual time I see Brea at the corner where our two corridors intersect. I wave to her and smile. She then returns the favor. We quickly set off into opposite directions, both looking for a way out. I am equipped with my most prized possessions: two daggers.
From a distance they may seem quite plain, but up close you can see they are adorned with beautiful carvings and are crested with rubies at the hilt. I took them once while stealing extra food from the kitchens. I had seen these two daggers just lying in the freezer. I know, it puzzled me too. I figured no one else was going to claim them, so I did.
I turn around to see that Brea has disappeared from view. I sure hope she doesn’t cause any trouble, but most of all I wish she doesn’t find anything. I want to be the one, the one who saves us. I just couldn’t live through it if she did. She would definitely lord it over me for as long as I would know her. “Hey remember when I found an escape route from that underground prison, Jo?” “Why yes, Brea! I must say that your excellence is utterly amazing!” No way in hell would I ever stand for that.
I continue to peek behind any door that seems suspicious, but I see nothing. As I start to head back towards Brea I hear light footsteps behind me. I turn around and see the figure striding down the corridor. I quicken my steps as I hear the other steps quicken as well. Frightened, I rush towards where Brea and I are to meet.
The steps behind me stop suddenly. I know I shouldn’t, but I turn around to see. It is then, that I come face to face with him. His eyes inches from mine, he seems to look into my very soul, as if he now knows every secret of mine, every imperfection. I find that I cannot move cannot look away. He has me ensnared. He then lovingly secures a stray piece of hair behind my ear as he leans in. His voice is kind and soft, as if cooing a pet, or coaxing prey into his trap.
“Do not worry. You will get out of here, and when you do,” he makes purposeful eye contact, “I shall immediately come to see you.”
I stare blankly into his eyes. I find that I cannot speak.
“I must go now, my pet. Do not worry I shall be watching closely, my dear. If I were you, though, I wouldn’t go looking into unknown places. You may not be pleased with what you see,” he says warmly, licking his wisp-thin lips, as if he knows what we had seen a couple nights ago.
I simply nod.
“Good. Now, why don’t you go back to your friend. She is lost and looking for you. Hurry now, pet. I’ll keep in touch,” is all he says before again, disappearing into the darkness.
“Destiny is usually just around the corner. Like a thief, a hooker, or a lottery vendor: its three most common personifications. But what destiny does not do is home visits. You have to go for it.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind
  





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Fri Dec 16, 2011 12:29 am
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dogs says...



"I Do not want to be discovered by these men"

I don't like this line, it is awkwardly worded and it doesn't explain why, I mean I definitely understand why she doesn't want to be discovered by these guys but maybe expand a little more upon why. So maybe say: I don't want them to discover me...

"come onjo, just go to the mess"

a space in-between on and jo

"I feel naked under the scrutiny of his unfaltering gaze"

Great line! Arguable the best one I have read so far in your writing.

"I want to be the one, the one who saves us"

This line is sooo fantastic because it gives Jo a whole other level of character and deeper meaning and whats going on inside of her head.

"as if cooing a pet, or coaxing prey into his trap"

oh yes! I sense a hint of foreshadow in here! Always good! I always liter my writing with foreshadow and usually it is very subtle but when the bomb hits and everything is revealed that foreshadow really comes back up to bite them and it has an amazing effect on the reader.


Alrighty sorry this took so long but it was a lot of writing to read! Anyways this is really good so far. It is even more enticing with your plot line and the mysterious blue-eyed man. I really really reallllllyyyyy like how you have "layered" Brea. For example on the outside Brea is tough and ambitious and out there and brave and wants to be the hero. But in reality she is just as scared sometimes as Jo because she dosn't understand where she is going and couldn't possible get anywhere without Jo. She just wants a friend. Which is another stroke of brilliance you put in here, the slowly developing friendship as to how such a gory and scaring moment has united these two girls in a quest to discover the escape.

Well thats all I have to say here, this is really good and I am deeply anticipating the next chapter!!! Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
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Sat Jan 07, 2012 2:17 am
Carina says...



review #8 - team yellow
Although I'm still relatively new to YWS, this is..by far the best piece I've seen.
I was reading faster and faster, anticipating and wanting to know what's going to happen next. Bravo! It's hard to find and get into that kind of pace.

I'll highlight the highlights of my thoughts while reading:
• Good image. I can picture everything in my mind and yet still point stuff out.
• I just seriously love your characters so much. With Jo's gruff yet yielding personality mixed with Brea's chirpy, meddlesome character, you created half of an awesome story. You don't need character development; you got it all. Good job!
• Unlike my other review, your transitions and Jo's narrations were pretty smooth.
• There's still a little confusion with commas, run-ons, and fragments, but I see them right in some spots, wrong on others. I have a feeling you know everything' you just kind of mistyped them. [I provided most (not all!) of these little nitpicks down below, though.] Did you proof read? I know it's a pain to read a million words over and over again, but, well, we all have to go through this stage. Try reading backwards. That might help.
• I know I already said this, but this plot and story is awesome. I'm not as confused anymore, and I can see the story unfold itself. I can barely contain my excitement just typing this sentence; I want to read on!
• I'm a little confused about the language. Some of it is like modern dialogue, and in other places, it's older. I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but I'd stick to one era of speech.
• Sometimes you switched from first person to second. I'm okay with it from time to time (actually, it really boosts the story sometimes), but it can't be in "random" places where the mood is stuck in the first person world. I'll point it out below.
• You tend to use "I mean," "I guess," "though," and "in fact" a lot. It's not bad, but it would be nice if you could spiff it up with other words.

My thoughts? AMAZING. :)
If you scroll down, you'll find a lot of nitpicks like in my other review, but actually, it's not a lot since this is a pretty long chapter.
Though it doesn't matter; nitpicks are super minor, but writers need them, right?
So here they are:

Nitpicks.
There really isn’t much to say about this place, we barely spend any time in there.
I'd put a semi-colon there.

dog food
... XD

I had another encounter with Brea. The girl who had, hours earlier, found me as I snuck out before dawn.
Red: Put a comma instead of a period since you're describing Brea (and it's also a fragment).
Underlined: Snuck is not a word! A lot of people get this wrong. Once I even saw it in the newspaper! The word you're looking for is sneaked. (Congratulations! Now you can correct people whenever they say "snuck"!)

To purposefully humiliate me during my time of weakness.
I'm not sure about this sentence. Was this whole chuck of block of where this sentence belongs to a prologue or what? I don't remember Brea humiliating Jo.

I swear, one day. One one day, I’ll be the one that catches her off guard.

Good morning(,) sunshine.
Noun of direct address-- a comma is needed here.

Aren’t we in a fabulous mood today?
Does she mean "you" instead of "we"?

I’m sorry(,) but I don’t feel like talking at the moment ...

“Leave me be,” I say quickly, another evasive move of mine.
The wording is kind of awkward. Try rewording it?

“Oh, so you are(,) then!” I can see the triumphant gleam in her eye. She has me and she knows it too.


I quicken my pace, come on, only a few more steps until I reach my cell…
That should be the end of the sentence.
Also, for the second sentence, is that her thought or just some narration? If it's a thought, I'd recommend italicizing it. It's a lot more convenient.

“Oh(,) come on, Jo,” she says mockingly.


I guess I’m stuck with being followed tonight(,) because deep down inside(,) I know that I will(,) in fact, go. No matter what. She’s won, and we both know it.
I think the commas I put in are right, though I'm not 100% sure. (Sorry! I'm in the learning process myself.) The second sentence is kind of iffy. Yes, it is a fragment, but sometimes, fragments are good because it can provide a good, strong voice. I'm leaning more towards that for the second sentence, so I'd let it be.

If you haven’t been keeping score, I have. Brea-Two. Joy-Zero.
Consider using commas instead of hyphens here.
Also, I like these sentences (very humorous and enjoyable), but this is one of those moments where I'm confused between switching from first to second.

Just as I think she isn’t going to show, there she is. Smiling mischievously, her blonde curls falling wildly over her face, and her bright green eyes. Making me feel even more of a sense on how my own looks don’t even match up to hers. It’s ridiculous(,) really, but it makes me dislike her all the more for it.
Underlined are fragments.
“Oh(,) wouldn’t that have been a darn shame?”


“I don’t know,” I say, “Why don’t you bestow some of your wisdom upon me?”
Hahaha! I love the sarcasm.

“Of course! It’ll be quite the adventure,” she says(,) smirking to herself.


I slowly move it around, then slowly, the lock becomes becomes undone.
You already said "slowly," so avoid the repeating and use another word.

... Brea says as she flips on the switch and at the same time we both let a horrified yelp escape us. Right underneath me is a navy blue uniform just like ours, but it’s something else that colors it red; blood. I jump up quickly and cover Brea’s mouth.
Underlined: I don't know, this part seems rush. Maybe you can break up the sentence?
Red: It should be a regular colon.
Green: I think saying "to" would be better.

“I don’t know. He looks about a year or two younger though,” I say. He does(,) in fact(,) look younger. Although, , although it is hard to really recognize him due to the fact that his face is permanently unrecognizable due to the gaping bullet wound in his forehead. Blood covers his entire head, and without looking, and even though I already know he is dead, I quickly bend down and check for a pulse.
I corrected this for you, but I underlined the "recognized" because you already said that. Avoid repeated base words.

“Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, do something?” She she asks.

Fear changing the normal bravado her voice carries to something almost as meek as a church mouse.
I don't know, I find this awkward.

“Right,” she says(,) somewhat confused.



- The whole footstep thing is kind of cliche, especially if the character heard them far away. Use something better for the dramatic moment? (Perhaps a metal pile of scraps falling from outside the door or something like that?)

“Okay, now.” I whisper as ...
Should be a comma.

Sorry(,) sir.


“What about the blood, sir?” the one who clearly does the dirty work says.
I'd say "asks" instead.

“Leave it, Archie. We’ll be back to clean up soon as we get the stiff stuff out of here. Now let’s go.”


... Archie says as they take a few labored steps due to the dead weight and shuts the door behind them, leaving a gruesome puddle of blood where the boy’s body just was.
I was confused here. What just happened? Did they just leave? The wording is kind of awkward.


- Avoid specific times (like saying four-fifty PM or this and that lasted for twenty minutes) unless you really need to. For time, say it's the afternoon or morning, etc.

- Did anyone see Jo go to her room all bloody? What about Nicole? Where was she?

On that note(,) I climb into my bunk only to be woken up two hours later.

New roommate and possibly a new friend.
Fragment.

Who knows, it might be somewhat helpful; at least I hope it is.
End of sentence.

Must be a sentry or something. I think to myself, but as I turn around(,) the shadow seems to disappear into thin air.
Jo thought what to herself? The sentence before that? Again, I'd recommend using italics for thoughts. It'll save confusion.

Well, yes, in fact I do believe I just saw a ghost. It was right down that corridor staring at me, you see. Then, it strangely disappeared. You can go take a look if you like.
Consider using italics?

You worry too much, Jo.
Again, italics.

Breakfast in the mess was(,) for once, great.

Over breakfast(,) Brea and I exchange many quick glances.


I head down past the gate to a large, indoor stadium, fake grass, trees, and all. Except for the fact that the ceiling is made completely out of titanium steel.
You don't need what I just crossed out, but if you think you do, then I'd put it somewhere else since it doesn't flow right.
Underlined = fragment

I decide to go and join her; I mean I may as well.

Raising my arm slightly in greeting.
Fragment.


- The image in training is perfect, but wouldn't they wear some kind of protective gear?

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re completely horrendous either.” I say jokingly.
Should be comma.
Oh, I know you know how to do this; I'm just pointing out the typos for you.

Surely not!” I say harshly, “After what we saw last night, I’m not going to risk it.”

Instead of saying "surely not," maybe "Nowhere!" would be better
The comma should be a period.

“Oh(,) come on,” she whines, “be a sport!”


And that is all she says before she purposefully strides down the corridor .Great, now that means I have to go.
Spacing is a little off.

I wake in the middle of the night so suddenly I bang my head hard on the bunk above.
What about, "I jolt awake in the middle of the night and ..."

Well, that’s different.
And what do you suppose that was, Jo?
Nothing, just another mind trick.
Oh really? ...
This is wonderful; I love the style. However, I was confused at first because I thought it was narration. Use italics for the whole thing since it's all in her mind?

With those eyes, those piercing-blue eyes.
Instead of a comma, consider using a dash.

Then it hits me, that man; the one from my room is, in fact, the same man who haunts my dreams.
Loving it.

It was(,) in fact, the same man. I may be in some serious trouble.
This is kind of obvious. Reword it?

Being overly nice as a ploy to get me to take her.
Fragment.

“Jo,” she says(,) getting impatient, “please come and sit!”

(,)
“Oh(,) I’m so happy you’ll take me! We’ll find a way out, I promise!” She she says as she lets me go.
I think you know this, but if there's an "oh" at the beginning of a sentence, then there always has to be a comma following after it, even when you narrate it without a pause.

“Sounds like a plan,” I say, purposefully giving the corniest wink I can muster.
I don't know why, but I chuckled at that... XD

Too bad, for Brea and I don’t care.


I wave to her and smile. She then returns the favor.
Combine these sentences together.

I sure hope she doesn’t cause any trouble, but most of all I wish she doesn’t find anything.
I'm a little confused. At first, I thought she meant finding more dead bodies, but that didn't make sense. Then I realized that she meant finding an escape route. Try making it more clear at the beginning.

“Hey(,) remember when I found an escape route from that underground prison, Jo?”


“Why(,) yes, Brea! I must say that your excellence is utterly amazing!” No way in hell would I ever stand for that.
Also, XD

I turn around and see the figure striding down the corridor.
The "figure"?

It is then, that I come face-to-face with him.
Underlined: Awkward. I'd reword it.
Red: You need hyphens there since it's a phrase.

His eyes inches from mine, he seems to look into my very soul, as if he now knows every secret of mine, every imperfection.
Loving the style.

I find that I cannot move(,) cannot look away. He has me ensnared.

His voice is kind and soft, as if cooing a pet, or coaxing prey into his trap.
Good!

“Do not worry. You will get out of here, and when you do,” he makes purposeful eye contact, “I shall immediately come to see you.”
Did I just get the chills?

Do not worry(,) I shall be watching closely, my dear. If I were you, though, I wouldn’t go looking into unknown places.


... he says warmly, licking his wisp-thin lips, as if ...
Good. Something about this just makes it feel right.

Now, why don’t you go back to your friend?
It's a question, so use a question mark.

... is all he says before again, disappearing into the darkness.



Yep, that's all!
Again, kudos on the story.
I'm really looking forward to reading this again-- this will definitely be something I want to reread.
chaotic lazy
—Omni

the queen of memes
—InuYosha

secret supreme overlord of yws
—Atticus

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It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey