Young Writers Society

Hmm...interesting. I enjoyed it but hmm, I think it's a little too much blood for me. You know what's crazy? I started a story with the exact same name but gave up on it because I thought it was too lame. Enough about me. I liked it but um...a bit gory for me. Sorry.

Bloody gory... absolutely positively remarkable. OOOH it makes me feel all tingly. very good job.

thanks!

I really like this so far!! I like the action beginning, the setting description is good, and the characters seem interesting. It jumps around, which gives me the feeling this novel is going to be sort of like a puzzle that all fits together at the end. It's a technique that works well sometimes and not so well other times. I think it will work well for this.

Right now the reader has a lot of questions, which is good, since it'll make people read on...just make sure you answer all the questions by the end.

While he's in the car on the way to the school, you might want to mention how uncomfortable the handcuffs are. Handcuffs hurt. Cops tend to put them on really tight, which can give you a feeling like when you hit a volleyball with the wrong part of your wrist.

One thing I don't get: Since he's in the dorm anyway, why doesn't Luke just ask the guys in his dorm where the showers are instead of wandering around lost? I know he's not hesitant to ask people, because he ends up asking Ashlee. So why not ask sooner? And how can Ashlee not know where the showers are if she's been at the school for six months? At some point in that six months she has to have taken a shower.

In the scene with the dumpster there are a few unnecessary capitalizations. For example, why is "dumpster" repeatedly capitalized? You also mention that Ashlee is blonde twice.

They search for the retainer for forty-five minutes. During this time, what do they talk about? Or are they silent most of the time?

The woman had a wide, phony smile that dwindled when she saw Luke, then expanded an extra two inches to make up for its flaw.

I like this sentence.

“Come in, come in,” she said, with that same simpering smile that reeked of phoniness.

I agree with whoever said you need to use another word here, since you already described her smile as phony.

“Luke Breinstein, I trust?” she asked. He nodded. “Ah, wonderful.”

I think maybe the "Ah, wonderful," should be a new paragraph, because otherwise it almost seems like Luke is the one saying "Ah, wonderful."

“I don’t know Luke,” she replied, still giggling.

There should be a comma before "Luke."

I’m going to throw up. It was her first conscious thought, and it was an unpleasant one.

Really? It was unpleasant? (In other words, you don't have to tell us that.)

Not again! Not here! She thought, fear coiling in her stomach and mixing with the nausea.

"She" doesn't have to be capitalized here. Same goes for some other sentences.

It was biting cold inside the trailer.

This should be "bitingly cold."

Ashlee sighed, giving up on the wire, though it chaffer her skin painfully.

I think that's a typo. Shouldn't it be chaffed?

Post more soon okay?

Oooh, I really liked those last two chapters you posted! You added some good humor in there. I liked it. I think it went just a tad bit too fast. Maybe give some foreshadowing that somthing is going to hapopen; perhaps making Ashlee nervous about something and she won't tell Luke.
Good Job!

uh...he doesn't like or trust the boys in his dorm, because they ask him all sorts of personal questions (that's in the revision) but he does end up asking them. Ashlee doesn't know where the showers are in the BOYS dorms. : I'll post more soon

I mean with Ashlee. I might have missed it, but when she ends up in that trailer, it seems very abrupt though the description in that scene was very good.

that was for J Wilder I didn't see ur post when I wrote that but thanks. I'm trying to slow it down
thanks for the crit!

Awesome! I loved this! I can't wait for more!

You're vague. In this case, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. It looks like you need to write an outline of this story to develop an orderly picture of this.

When I read the first chapter it seemed like it should have been in the middle. I wasn't sure who was Ashlee andSnyder. I hated the name Snyder.

I don't like the changing viewpoints of the characters in a single chapter. It seems... I don't know.

AND THIS IS THE WORSE STORY EVER!

Nah... just kidding. But... it seems very vague. Almost as vague as this critique. Yeah.

you're right. I should write an outline. thanks for the idea. And no, it doesn't change viewpoints every chapter. It needs to be vague. Besides, this is nothing, if you want vague read The Di Vinci Code. THAT is vague.

I didn't have time to read all this properly, but the first part seemed exciting. Still needs work, but an extremally promising start. One suggestiong. Unless you plan to use that opening bit (refined, of course) as a prologue, don't have the flashback. Editors hate flashbacks. If it's important and it came first, tell it first. The hook is in the beginning, not the end.

I'm new but an old hand at writing, well sort of, it is a great story, but the realistic type of modern story writing has never really thrilled me that much, but I mostly read fantasy type adventure stuff, mostly what i write too. hmm, your well on your way to having something great just didn't peak my interest