Young Writers Society

Mintpaw

"You three go ahead. I'm going to wait for Storm." The other members of the patrol
stared at me like I'd grown a fifth paw. As always, I looked to my mentor for support.

Ripplepelt half-lidded his eyes: What are you doing?

I did my best to signal, It's important. Trust me. Ripplepelt nodded.

Whew. A breath I'd been holding whooshed out of my nose. Hopefully no cat would notice.

"Well?" Severed-tail, a veteran warrior, shot out his claws. "If you're going to stay, don't hold us up."

Gratefully I dashed back into camp. I was something of an oddball:
fur shaded from gray to solid black, with a patch on my forehead like a mint leaf.
Add to that the fact that I had no littermates... At least, I mused, there was Littlestorm.

He'd been there for me ever since the day I'd broken my forepaw in a climbing
accident. I'd often wondered if Someone hadn't put us together.

"Going to visit the medicine cat?" A cheerful she-cat's voice broke into my thoughts.

Hey Stori! I'm here to review.

First, I'm going to go over the nitpicks that I have. They're the least important and easiest to do.

Stori wrote:"You three go ahead. I'm going to wait for Storm." The other members of the patrol
stared at me like I'd grown a fifth paw. As always, I looked to my mentor for support. Okay, this is an odd way to start a story. There's no introduction whatsoever that pulls me in and makes me want to read more.

Ripplepelt half-lidded his eyes:Try "squinted." I know that it's not very catlike, but it's a lot smoother. What are you doing? Make sure you specify (the first time, anyways) that this is some kind of silent communication.

I did my best to signal, It's important. Trust me.Either replace the comma with a colon (:) or put the italics in quotations as well

Whew.I don't like onomatopoeia. Just describe the cat letting out a relieved sigh; you don't need the rest.

Gratefully I dashed back into camp. I was something of an oddball:
fur shaded from gray to solid black, with a patch on my forehead like a mint leaf.
Add to that the fact that I had no littermates... At least, I mused, there was
Littlestorm. This paragraph is somewhat mismatched. You go from showing the cat running into camp in one sentence to what he looks like and the fact that he has no siblings after that. Focus on one idea and expand on it. Not to say that you can't have all of these ideas in your story, just not in the same paragraph.

He'd been there for me ever since the day I'd broken my forepaw in a climbing
accident. I'd often wondered if Someone hadn't put us together. Make the 's' in someone a lowercase. And for a final sentence in a story, this is very anticlimactic.

Plot:

This is the biggest problem for me. All of the other things are just technicalities, but your plot is in serious trouble. You've gotten absolutely nowhere in these few short sentences. You need to do something in every section of your book, and you need to expand on those ideas to your fullest capabilities. Just write more about this!

Also, I may know that this is based off of the Warrior Cat series by Erin Hunter, but you should specify that so that others can know as well.

Thanks Sir Knight.