Young Writers Society

Dear Mockingjay,

I love you Jay. Before your read any of this. Make sure you know that I love you. If your reading this right now your father and I have been captured by the capitol. I know I never told you a lot. I know you don't know why when you walk the streets people cast you dark looks and try to ignore you. I know you don't know why sometimes your father screams and shouts like he's 5 years old. I know you don't why your father has a metal leg and I have scars all over my body. But, one day you you will. I can't tell you all of it right now but...I'll try. Jay, A long time ago the capitol was a shining kingdom. It was the ruler of all the puny little districts that surrounded it. The districts did everything for the capitol. But, one day the districts decided it wasn't fair. And they rebelled. The districts fought and fought. But, the capitol fought back...stronger. 12 districts we're defeated. The 13th obliterated. The result was...The Hunger games. The rules of the hunger games are simple. In punishment for the rebellion, each of the twelve districts must provide one girl and one boy, called tributes, to participate. The twenty-four tributes will be imprisoned in a vast outdoor arena that could hold anything. Over a series of several weeks the tributes we're forced to fight to the death. The last tribute standing would win. ( Sorry I kinda took this part from the book I just quoted it...I couldn't think of a better way to put it) Though it was wrong no one complained. No one wanted their lives taken away just as they we're in district 13. No one complained in till...The 74th hunger games. The two tributes we're Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark. Yes. Your father and I. We fought and we ended up winning. But, Jay. We did something terribly wrong. We made a fool out of the capitol. Then it became war. The districts started to rebel again and we found out that there really was a district 13 out there. Still living. After 74 years they we're still very much alive. And fighting the capitol. So they helped us. And the districts won...I guess. But, after that I was sent back to district 12. The capitol wasn't in charge anymore. District 13 was in charge. You'll meet the president soon...I think you'll like her. She's a close friend of mine. Well. That's all I can say right now. Good by Jay. And remember.
You are the new Mockingjay.

Love, Your mother

I can't help it. I start to cry. Next to me, Seth holds me tight and Primrose comes and sit's by my feet. Haymitch just sits there not really saying anything. I look out the window of the hovercraft and see a blur of fire pass by. " Gale? Tell me...I thought the capitol lost? Then how are they bombing us? " Primrose asks lightly. My sweet little sister who is trying to stay strong for me. But, really it should be the other way around. " Well. The capitol lost but, they still exist. They might not have power over any of us but, think about it. We now have power over them and what are they going to do? Their going to rebel. And what is the obvious person to target? The mockingjay. The person who started the rebellion. Your mother. But, what they don't know is that we don't really need Katniss anymore. Because she had a daughter. That's just as beautiful and strong-willed as she is. " Gale answers. I shiver a bit when he says the last thing. He acts like my mother is nothing. He acts like the districts just used her and then threw her off to have kids that would be just as " Beautiful and strong-willed as she is. "...And I know it's true. I nod and dig my face into Seth's jacket that smells like smoke. When I had gotten home Primrose and Haymicth had been standing there with a look of fear and surprise on their faces. My mother and father we're no where to be seen. Of course the first thing I did was run off to Haymitch's house. But, it turns out he wasn't there either. That's when I started to panick. Not just because I couldn't find anyone. Because the bombing was getting worse. All around me children and adults we're running around screaming and not knowing what to do. Right beside me a bomb came down killing about half of district 12's population. I had screamed and ran all the way to the only place I could think of. Seth's house. I ran in and Gale and Seth we're sitting on the couch as if waiting for me to barge in. They took me to the meadow where the hovercraft picked me, Haymitch, and Prim up. They told me what was happening. Well, Gale told me. He explained to me everything. Then he gave me the note. He said he never read it but, I doubt that's true. There's a screeching and I feel the rough hands of Gale shaking me. " Jay. Jay where here. " I jump up and rub my eyes. Seth holds the door for me and I step out breathing in the scent of clean air. In the distance I see the trail of fresh smoke. I sigh. " Where's this district 13 place? " Haymitch asks. I nod looking around for the first time. Where is everything? I only see a field of grass. " It's underground. " A gruff voice answers. I spin around and see a man a little bit older then my mother and father. He is older and he has scars and bruise covering his body. I realize he's also sitting in a wheelchair. Who is this man? I turn to Gale for help but, he just had a look of disbelief and surprise on his face. " Cinna? " " What? " I look on the ground. What's...Cinna? But, then I realize. Cinna is not a plant or a grain. Cinna is the man standing in front of me.

Hi! Teardrop here!

First of all, I think you really need to divide this up into more paragraphs. When you start dialogue, when a new person talks, you make a new paragraph!

Lilybeans333 wrote:Dear Mockingjay,

I love you Jay. Before your read any of this. Make sure you know that I love you. If your reading this right now your father and I have been captured by the capitol. I know I never told you a lot. I know you don't know why when you walk the streets people cast you dark looks and try to ignore you. I know you don't know why sometimes your father screams and shouts like he's 5 years old. I know you don't why your father has a metal leg and I have scars all over my body. But, one day you you will. I can't tell you all of it right now but...I'll try. Jay, A long time ago the capitol was a shining kingdom. It was the ruler of all the puny little districts that surrounded it. The districts did everything for the capitol. But, one day the districts decided it wasn't fair. And they rebelled. The districts fought and fought. But, the capitol fought back...stronger. 12 districts we're defeated. The 13th obliterated. The result was...The Hunger games. The rules of the hunger games are simple. In punishment for the rebellion, each of the twelve districts must provide one girl and one boy, called tributes, to participate. The twenty-four tributes will be imprisoned in a vast outdoor arena that could hold anything. Over a series of several weeks the tributes we're forced to fight to the death. The last tribute standing would win. ( Sorry I kinda took this part from the book I just quoted it...I couldn't think of a better way to put it) Though it was wrong no one complained. No one wanted their lives taken away just as they we're in district 13. No one complained in till...The 74th hunger games. The two tributes we're Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark. Yes. Your father and I. We fought and we ended up winning. But, Jay. We did something terribly wrong. We made a fool out of the capitol. Then it became war. The districts started to rebel again and we found out that there really was a district 13 out there. Still living. After 74 years they we're still very much alive. And fighting the capitol. So they helped us. And the districts won...I guess. But, after that I was sent back to district 12. The capitol wasn't in charge anymore. District 13 was in charge. You'll meet the president soon...I think you'll like her. She's a close friend of mine. Well. That's all I can say right now. Good by Jay. And remember.
You are the new Mockingjay.

Love, Your mother

I can't help it. I start to cry. Next to me, Seth holds me tight and Primrose comes and sit's by my feet. Haymitch just sits there not really saying anything. I look out the window of the hovercraft and see a blur of fire pass by. " Gale? Tell me...I thought the capitol lost? Then how are they bombing us? " Primrose asks lightly. My sweet little sister who is trying to stay strong for me. But, really it should be the other way around. " Well. The capitol lost but, they still exist. They might not have power over any of us but, think about it. We now have power over them and what are they going to do? Their going to rebel. And what is the obvious person to target? The mockingjay. The person who started the rebellion. Your mother. But, what they don't know is that we don't really need Katniss anymore. Because she had a daughter. That's just as beautiful and strong-willed as she is. " Gale answers. I shiver a bit when he says the last thing. He acts like my mother is nothing. He acts like the districts just used her and then threw her off to have kids that would be just as " Beautiful and strong-willed as she is. "...And I know it's true. I nod and dig my face into Seth's jacket that smells like smoke. When I had gotten home Primrose and Haymicth had been standing there with a look of fear and surprise on their faces. My mother and father we're no where to be seen. Of course the first thing I did was run off to Haymitch's house. But, it turns out he wasn't there either. That's when I started to panick. Not just because I couldn't find anyone. Because the bombing was getting worse. All around me children and adults we're running around screaming and not knowing what to do. Right beside me a bomb came down killing about half of district 12's population. I had screamed and ran all the way to the only place I could think of. Seth's house. I ran in and Gale and Seth we're sitting on the couch as if waiting for me to barge in. They took me to the meadow where the hovercraft picked me, Haymitch, and Prim up. They told me what was happening. Well, Gale told me. He explained to me everything. Then he gave me the note. He said he never read it but, I doubt that's true. There's a screeching and I feel the rough hands of Gale shaking me. " Jay. Jay where here. " I jump up and rub my eyes. Seth holds the door for me and I step out breathing in the scent of clean air. In the distance I see the trail of fresh smoke. I sigh. " Where's this district 13 place? " Haymitch asks. I nod looking around for the first time. Where is everything? I only see a field of grass. " It's underground. " A gruff voice answers. I spin around and see a man a little bit older then my mother and father. He is older and he has scars and bruise covering his body. I realize he's also sitting in a wheelchair. Who is this man? I turn to Gale for help but, he just had a look of disbelief and surprise on his face. " Cinna? " " What? " I look on the ground. What's...Cinna? But, then I realize. Cinna is not a plant or a grain. Cinna is the man standing in front of me.

Here's some links incase you wanted to find out more about grammar.

topic44898.html

topic19432.html

topic44752.html

Lilybeans333 wrote:( Sorry I kinda took this part from the book I just quoted it...I couldn't think of a better way to put it)

Well, I really don't think that's a good idea, no offence. You could have worded it differently to make it your own. Also, it sounds wierd in the middle of the story to say that. I suggest re-wording it so you won't have to worry.

Also, I found it odd how Katniss called her "Mockingjay" rather than her name. But that's just me. Also, this begins differently than it ended in Mockingjay. If that made sense.

Anyway, could use some editing, details, and emotion but keep writing!!

~Teardrop

Hi! I hope my suggestions help.

This part was a little better than the first. It has a more action and explanation, but I don't think it's enough. If they Capitol was defeated, how are they bombing them? If there's bombs going off why was Gale and Seth just sitting at home, wouldn't they be running around helping people or trying to find Jay? [because that's what Gale did in the past] I'm very confused on what is taking place here.

First, the letter. It really needs to be split up into paragraphs. Also, the letter explains things that happened before Jay was born, as if she never knew about them, yet later Primrose, who is younger, knew the Capitol was defeated. Why wouldn't Katniss and Peeta tell Jay, who's seventeen, yet they told their youngest daughter?

You'll meet the president soon...I think you'll like her. She's a close friend of mine

If I remember, I don't think the person who became president of Panem [Paylor] was really close friends with Katniss. I could be mistaken, but I didn't think they were friends.

Every time a different person speaks, indent to a new paragraph. It's easier to read that way and to understand who is the one actually talking.

As you describe the bombing and everyone running around screaming all you do is tell what is happening. This part is a great opportunity to show what is happening. You can talk about how things felt as the bombs rained down, how the air smelled of smoke or other sensory details. This is what will make the story exciting and keep readers engaged and wanting more. Much of the actual Hunger Games books are showing and describing. There are times to tell such as a back story, but this would be a showing time.

It says

They took me to the meadow where the hovercraft picked me, Haymitch, and Prim up.

How would they know this hovercraft was safe? The district is being bombed, and I assume that the bombs are coming from hovercrafts.

Well, Gale told me. He explained to me everything. Then he gave me the note. He said he never read it but, I doubt that's true. There's a screeching and I feel the rough hands of Gale shaking me.

This part confuses me. It's talking in past tense, then all of a sudden switches to present tense. And I'm unsure why Gale was shaking Jay at this point. I thought he was explaining what was happening.

I nod looking around for the first time. Where is everything? I only see a field of grass. " It's underground. " A gruff voice answers. I spin around and see a man a little bit older then my mother and father

First, Jay just stepped out of the hovercraft and is looking towards the place the underground district is. However, Cinna's voice comes from behind. Was he in the hovercraft or he someone how came up behind them? That seems a bit odd. Second, the thing that bothers me about Cinna is he died in the original story. It doesn't technically say for sure but that's what they make it out to be. He was tortured and killed, first for aiding the "rebels" and second for the Mockingjay dress. I honestly don't think there was any way he could have survived. Plus, Plutarch was pretty sure the Captiol killed him. And Gale didn't ever really know Cinna, he may have recognized him but he wouldn't have known him.

I hope my suggestions help. If you keep writing and get used to describing things and showing instead of telling it'll keep getting better. It has potential to be good, but you must also remember the original story and try to write off that, even simple details. If you need any help feel free to ask! Keep writing!!

-Narniafreak!