Young Writers Society

As the Police officer ran along the crowded street of Holzner Road in London, she couldn’t help but think of what she was doing here. Just moments before, she was at Torchwood when a call had coming about another possible ‘Doctor’ sighting.

Turning around the block she halted, temporarily lost in a haze of forgetfulness. Pausing to take a breath of fresh air, she slowly regained her path to the back entrance of the mega store that blocked her from finding the man who had been so troublesome in her past.

Inside the Peacebridge Centre all was as usual as the Doctor calmly slowed his pace down and entered a clothing store.

“Hello!” he said with a smile to the cashier, firmly bracing himself along the youth’s table. “Do you have anything for under ten quid?”

“I’ll go round the back and check,” the boy said simultaneously scratching his chin.

Having little patience at this moment, the Doctor's eyes followed the youth as he unlocked and entered a door labelled 'staff only'. As soon as he heard the lock click, he swung round to behind the cash register and spotted a black and white street photo of himself posted just underneath the desk.

“I’ll just grab this,” he murmured to himself as he removed the picture and sticky tape, also observing the shoppers eying him strangely. Walking back to where he stood in front of the register moments before, he glanced at a rack of sunshades and coolly drew a black pair. Trying them on before depositing it into his chest pocket, he made his way to the exit much to the gasp of an elderly woman who had been watching him. “Right he said,” turning around as their eyes met, “that would be stealing,” and with that he drew some coins from his pocket and left them on the counter before regaining his sprint out of the store.

“Hey you, stop!” He heard a woman shout behind him.

“What now….” He shouted, as he turned to face a very familiar face in an unfamiliar black police uniform.

“Don’t get all shouty with me," she responded walking closer, “I don’t care if you’re the Bishop of Oxford, but if you ever take that tone…”

“Excuse me,” he interrupted, “but who are you exactly?” He asked, knowing that if she were about to arrest him, she probably would have already attempted it.

“You’re coming with me!” She replied.

“What about my rights!” He exclaimed, as she grabbed his cloak before he could pull away.

“You’re a time-lord, not a human,” she answered, as she started to drag him to the side exit of the shopping complex.

“How are you doing that!?” He asked in bewilderment.

“Special gloves, they amplify strength….”

“Clever,” he interrupted. “Just answer me one more question Gwen,” he said, trying not to lose his footing as he looked around him for others, just as she looked at him curiously. “Can those gloved repel sound waves?” In one quick moment he pulled out his sonic screwdriver with his left hand and pointed it at the gloves that clamped his cloak. The machine emitted and ultrasonic sound which instantly led Gwen to cover her ears and lower her right hand, releasing the grip, as the glove was smoking.

“Here let me help,” the Doctor said as led Gwen towards a supporting beam in the store and began to pull on the gloves as he lifted his left leg on the structure for support. The glove quickly came out and as he let momentum have its way he peered into it as his arms raised it above his head.

“Ah ha!” He blurted with enthusiasm, “just as I thought, an apparent remake of a Cybermen’s hand without the sound blocking device, which you know…” he said to her shocked face, as she stared at her hand, “…blocks sound.”

Hi me again I like this part too, I really enjoy the humorous twist you put on things. Here are a few comments on possible improvement:

As the Police officer ran along the crowded street of Holzner Road in London, She couldn’t help but think of what she was doing here.

She doesn't need a capital and I think here should be there.

Turning around the block she halted, temporarily lost in a haze of forgetfulness, and slowly regained her path to the back entrance of the mega store that blocked her from finding the man who had caused her so much trouble in the past.

This is quite a long sentence and so seems a bit confusing. I'd break it up and reword it a bit, so something like this- 'Turning around the block, she halted, temporarily lost in a haze of forgetfulness. She slowly regained her path to the back entrance of the mega store that blocked her from finding her troublesome mark.'

Inside the Peacebridge Centre all was usual as the Doctor calmly slowed his pace down and entered a clothing store.

I'd add 'as' in between was and usual. I don't think you need down after pace.

he said with a smile to the cashier, as he firmly braced himself along the youth’s table.

I think 'firmly bracing himself along the youth's table' might work better.

“I’ll go round the back and check,” said the boy scratching his chin.

'the boy said' sounds better to me than 'said the boy' and you need a comma before scratching.

Having little patience, at this moment the Doctor’s eyes followed the youth as he unlocked the door to an apparent room labelled “staff only”. As soon as he heard the lock click, shutting the door, he swung round to behind the cash register and saw a black and white street photo of himself poster just underneath the ledge.

This whole paragraph is a little confusing- what do you mean by apparent room? I'm going to try and reword this to how I think it would make more sense- 'Having little patience at this moment, the Doctor's eyes followed the youth as he unlocked and entered a door labelled 'staff only'. As soon as he heard the lock click, he swung round to behind the cash register and spotted a black and white street photo of himself posted just underneath the desk.'

Walking back to where he stood in front of the register moments before, he glanced at a rack of sunshades and coolly drew a black one, as he made his way to the exit, much to the gasp of an elderly woman who had been watching him.

This is quite a long sentence, maybe by exchanging the comma after exit to a dash it would be broken up a little.

“Hey you, stop!” he heard a woman shout behind him

he needs to have a capital h.

“Don’t get all shouty with me, she responded walking closer, “I don’t care if you’re the Bishop of Oxford, but if ever take that tone…”

You need to add speech marks after me and there needs to be a you after 'but if'.

he asked knowing that if she were about to arrest him, she would have already attempted it.

he needs a capital h and I don't think you need the comma here. I've noticed that throughout the rest of the story you forget to capitalize a lot after speech so instead of me just going through them all, I'd advise you look back through your work and change it

“You’re a time-lord, not a human,” she answered as she started to drag him to the side exit of the shopping complex.

You need a comma after answered.

“How are you doing that!” he asked bewildered.

I'd put a question mark in as well as an exclamation mark and you need a comma after asked.

he said trying not to lose his footing as he looked around him for others, just as she looked at him curiously.

You need a comma after said.

The machine emitted and ultrasonic sound which instantly led Gwen to cover her ears as he she quickly lowered her right hand as the glove was smoking.

And needs to be an. I'd change 'as he she quickly lowered' to 'and quickly lower' and you need to add a comma in after sound and another after hand.

“Here let me help” the Doctor said, as led Gwen towards a supporting beam in the store and began to pull on the gloves as he lifted his left leg on the structure for support. The glove quickly came out and as he let momentum have its way he peered into it as his arms raised it above his head.

You use a lot of 'as' here and have made some mistakes in wording. I'd break up this paragraph more to get rid of some, for instance- '"Here, let me help," The doctor said, leading gwen towards a supporting beam in the store. He began pulling off the gloves, lifting his leg to push against the beam for balance. The glove quickly came out, as he let momentum have its way. Raising it above his head, he peered into it.'

Ah ha!” he blurted with enthusiasm, “just as I thought, an apparent remake of a Cybermen’s hand without the sound blocking device, which you know…” he said to her shocked face, as she started at her hand, “…blocks sound.”

just needs to have a capital j, I'd change the comma after thought to a dash and the comma after device to a full stop. Started should be stared.

Overall comments: I like how you have introduced Torchwood and Gwen and you've ended nicely. I have mentioned before- you need to capitalize the beginning letters of words after the end of a sentence. You also miss out on some comma's in places or use it too much in others. I'd advise breaking down your sentences a bit more sometimes as they can go on quite long where it would be more effective to have them simpler. If you scan back through your work its quite easy to see where things can be changed, I think all the stuff I have just said is just a matter of not noticing where punctuation is needed through not thoroughly re-reading your work.

The story is interesting so far, although I would like to see more of a storyline developing. Right now all I know is the doctor is running and Gwen is chasing him- what happened to the guys dressed in yellow in the previous chapter? You haven't offered much description of the doctor or Gwen which is OK as everyone already knows what they look like but it might be nice to add in a bit more detail.

I am enjoying your story so far and hope to read more! Hope I've helped

Hi
What has the Doctor done to get his picture in shops? And is the Gwen he is talking to, the Gwen on Torchwood?
I only saw on e problem and that was that the Doctor doesn't wear a cloak, he wears a brown over coat.
That was the only mistake that I saw.
midnightread

who's the 'doctor' ?