Young Writers Society

"Brigid. We're here." My Dad's voice brings me back to the present. We pull up in front of the Legion of Superheroes' Headquarters. My Dad is in the military and has to go and fight in a foreign country for a few weeks. Since he is good friends with the Legion, he convinced them to let me stay with them while he is away because of his military career. I am thirteen now and missing my Homeland more than ever. We get out of the car, get out my luggage, the cat in her carrier, and walk up to the door and ring the doorbell.
While we wait for someone to open the door dad says "Are you nervous Brigid?"
Big time! Especially with you going off to war. I can't even imagine what i would do without you if you were to go and get killed.
"Yeah, Dad just a wee bit."
"Just relax these guys are just like you and your friends."
Just then, Superman opens the door and greets Dad. Next, Dad introduces me to Superman.
"Glad to meet you Brigid."
"Right, glad to meet you too," I say with a slightly nervous blush. My Irish accent usually gets laughed at by others. Though Superman didn't laugh he just gave me an accepting smile
He reaches for one of my bags and says "Come on in and I'll introduce you to the others."
So the three of us go inside and find the other Legionaires.
"Nice to have you Brigid, I hope you enjoy your stay" Timberwolf says.
"Right, thank you" I reply with a nervous smile and blushing cheeks.
Wow! He really is sweeter than he looks. I'm sure I'm going to get along with these guys just fine.
"Hi Brigid, it's nice to finally meet you. Your dad has told us so much about you," says Saturn Girl.
Once I had been introduced to Timberwolf, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, and Lightning Lad, Timberwolf and Saturn Girl lead me upstairs
"Brigid, this is your room." Saturn Girl says as she opens the door to a room with lilac colored walls, a daybed with sheets that match the walls, and a great view of the city. "Just next door on the right is Timberwolf's room and I'm on the left over here. Do you need any help getting unpacked?"
"No, thanks for asking though" I reply.
Oh my gosh! This looks just like my room at home I wonder if they knew my room at home is like this.
After I had gotten unpacked, I put on my favorite dress. When I get back down stairs, Dad suggests that I give the legion a glimpse into my heritage (meaning he wants me to sing some Irish songs). So since I love to sing I agree and after supper I perform "Danny Boy" by Chloe Agnew in the auditions section of the Headquarters which is basically a medium sized metal arena with 2-3 entrances and a panel of judges seats lining the upper wall.
"Oh, Danny boy,
the pipes, the pipes are calling
from glen to glen and down the mountian side
the summers gone
and all the flow'rs are falling
'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide."
As I perform I notice Timberwolf talking to Superman and Dad. After I finish Superman says "Brigid, I assume you know of Legion auditions right?"
"Yeah, I know they are very frustrating to you guys."
Especially Lightning Lad. I wonder why he gets so upset about Legion Auditions.
"Well I was wondering, since you seem to enjoy performing, if you would mind singing for us during Legion auditions."
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Oh my gosh! I can't believe this! The Legion wants me to sing for them of all people!
"Sure, that would be great. Thank you!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljOXUGxbMYY link to Danny Boy by Chloe Agnew

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

I don't usually review fanfics but I saw Legion of Superheroes and thought cool!
Anyways.

When you have people talking, you'll want to start a new paragraph every time a different person talks so it's not confusing.
ex. you wrote:

While we wait for someone to open the door dad says "Are you nervous Brigid?" "Aye, Dad just a wee bit." "Just relax these guys are just like you and your friends."

it should be:

While we wait for someone to open the door dad says "Are you nervous Brigid?"
"Aye, Dad just a wee bit."
"Just relax these guys are just like you and your friends."

Hope that helps.

Since you have Brigid talk in an Irish accent, you don't need to have her tell us that she does. Maybe add a tag after she first talks, and mention something about her being made fun of their.
ex.

"Aye, Dad just a wee bit." I say. My Irish accents usually gets laughs from others...

Or something like that.

Another thing I noticed was you never told us what other superheroes were present at the headquarters, just Superman. Plus this is supposed to be the 31st century according to the Legion of Superheroes comics, yet nothing seems new technological and such. Plus you mainly tell us what is happening instead of show us. And there's a lot of information all bunched together in one long paragraph, so split that up.

I like the concept and I'm sure that since it has to do with superheroes it will get a lot of action and excitement! :] So when ever you fix this or post more PM and I'll review and read it! Sounds like it's going to be good!

-Narniafreak!

Hey Celtic, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I am 13 now and missing my Homeland more than ever.

thirteen, not 13. Also, if she's been in America since she was in kindergarten, wouldn't it kind of be her homeland?

"Aye, Dad just a wee bit."

Um... really? Who talks like that, except for old farmers in Ulster?

Timberwolf and Saturn Girl lead me upstairs

Full stop missing.

After I had gotten unpacked I put on my favorite dress(pictured below)

As I perform "Mo Ghile Mear" i notice Timberwolf

Capital I.

Thank-you!"

no hyphen.

II. CULTURAL OVERKILL

Celtic, do you live in Ireland? I can't remember. If you do, you'll have noticed that people don't really say "aye" here at all. They say like, you know and right a lot, they say ye or youse depending on where they're from, but they don't say "Aye." Who does say aye?

As with the songs... she sings four songs to show her heritage, by modern bands? I can't say I'm familiar with Mo Ghile Mhear, but if it's about heritage, then surely she's going to sing some of the older, more traditional songs, not stuff by Celtic Woman and Celtic Thunder.

Basically, I think you're trying too hard with all the heritage stuff- especially considering she's been in the US since she was very small. Calm it down.

III. DESCRIPTION

Read over your story. There's very little description there, I have no idea where Brigid is, what anything looks like, smells like, sounds like, feels like. Boring! If you want to pull us into a story, do so by showing us what everything is! And let us into her head, what does she think of the individuals? Has she met them before, no? Then show us her first impressions.

There's not nearly enough detail in here. Fill it up to the brim with sounds and sights. As it is, it's a narrative with no depth.

IV. OVERALL

Needs a little work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Interesting story going on here!
I personally never watched Legion of Superheroes.... but I did recognise some of the names.
Okay, I personally didn't see much wrong, except for your overuse of the word "aye". Now I've lived in Scotland, rather than Ireland, so I don't know what they say there, but I've got a pretty big hunch that they don't say "aye" that much. I can't even picture a girl of thirteen saying "aye" period, but then again that's just me...
Also, the song "Sing Out" isn't really an Irish song... if I'm not mistaken it's really just a New Age song that Celtic Woman decided to sing. You'll find that quite a few of their songs aren't really all that Celtic.

(Though I think it's awesome you chose Mo Ghile Mear, that's one of my favourite Gaelic songs!)

Very interesting. I wonder if she has some kinda latent ability or will she be like Karate Kid. Only time will tell.