Young Writers Society

After I get settled into my room and perform for the Legion it is time for Dad to go.
"Well, I guess I'd better get going. Have fun Brigid and remember that no matter what happens you will always have a home here with these guys."
We walk out with Dad to the car.
"Right Dad. Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Don't you worry. Everything is going to be alright and I'll be home before you know it."
As he cranks the car and drives away i feel a single tear roll down my cheek.
Oh, God watch over Dad. Please don't let him go and get himself killed.
Just then Timberwolf comes up behind me, picks me up and totes me inside with me struggling playfully.


A couple of weeks later I receive word that Dad went missing after an air raid.
Oh no. Dad! I thought you said you wouldn't get hurt. What am I going to do? I don't know what I'm going to do if you die! Please come home Dad. Please, God don't let him die now.
"Brigid, are you alright," Saturn Girl asks me.
"Yeah, but if it's alright I think I'll go hang out in my room for a while" I respond with my body shaking so much that it feels like a maraca.
I hide my emotions surpisingly well.
"Sure, that's perfectly fine. Just remember if you need anything we're here."
"Right" I say as I turn around and go upstairs to my room.

In my room, I look in the mirror and see myself as white as a sheet with tears rolling down my cheeks. I can't help but think that my Dad was killed by the air raid. Just to help me relax a bit I take out my keyboard and prepare to play "Brothers in Arms" by Celtic Thunder. Just before I start playing Superman knocks on the door.
"Brigid, we have to go out for a while. Are you going to be alright here by yourself?"
"Yes, Superman. I'll be alright. Thanks for letting me know though."
"You know how to contact us if you need something right?"
"Right."
I continue playing and singing.
"These msit covered mountains
are a home now for me
but my home is the low lands
and always will be.
Someday you'll return to
your valleys and your farms
and you'll no longer burn to be brothers in arms."
While playing I remember Dad telling me this is his favorite song and that while he is gone if I start singing this song he will know.
As I play I notice alot of noise coming from downstairs. Knowing that I am supposedly alone at Headquarters I stop playing and get up to go to my nightstand, where I have a communicator, to find out where the Legion is. However, before I can get there the door to my room is ripped open. Upon seeing a tall, male figure with blackish-brown hair and red eyes I start to turn and run to get to my communicator even more urgently. Before I can even turn around completely the man has got a hold on my black hair.
"Who are you? Wh-" Before I can say anymore the man has a pale hand clamped tightly over my mouth. His other hand lets go of my hair and before I can attempt to break away from him, he has grabbed both of my wrists holding them behind me.
He laughs cruelly. I groan, frightenedly trying to free myself from his grasp.
"You might as well give up, girl. We both know which one of us has the advantage here."

Hey Celtic!

Sorry it's taken me so long to review this, but for some reason or other I kept getting distracted right when I was about to begin. Anyway, here I am. First, I love Super hero stories. I have one of my own, Super Duper [name change pending], and it has been the simultaneous bane and light of my existence for over a year. I take a different tack on Super heroes than you do, but it's still fun to write.

So, I read this and pretty much can tell you that most of what I wrote about your other story can be applied to this one. You need more image-producing descriptions. Right now it's kind of bland and feels more like an outline than a story. You have a great idea to build on, so I think you can spruce this story up.

Another thing I wanted to ask you about is the MC. I'm sensing that you really like the name Bridgid since you've used it in two stories so far. Just from the point of view of a reader, this can get very complicated. If, for example, I'm a huge fan of one of your stories and I've always thought of Bridgid as the half-faery princess, then reading this story about another Bridgid who hangs out with Superman will throw me for a loop. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think you might want to decide which MC should be Bridgid. Just a thought.

Dialogue. Where do I begin? Well, for starters, your characters feel a little one-dimensional in their dialogue. They're speaking, but what they say doesn't really seem real. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. Even when Bridgid finds out her dad has disappeared after an air strike, her reaction and words are too calm. She's thirteen right? Thirteen-year-olds are notorious for their mood swings and for not obeying orders. Not for assuring Saturn Girl that she's alright and then going upstairs to play "Brothers in Arms" by Celtic Thunder. At least, not any thirteen-year-old I've ever known, myself included.

Plot. I don't normally comment on plots, since it just seems too invasive, but I felt like I should make an exception for you. Okay, so Bridgid at this point has been left by her father to live at the Superhero headquarters. Some questions that immediately popped into my head were: How did her dad meet Superman? What type of military was he in? What's his name? (Very important question.) What did the headquarters look like? What town was it in? Was it a sunny day? What time of year was it? What did Superman look like? Was he wearing his suit or something else? What did her dad look like? And so on. I could sit here all day and type questions, but the point is, your story--the descriptions, dialogue, etc.--should have already provided me those answers. Here's a link to a short story that does just that but in a way that it doesn't hit you over the head with telly fact after telly fact. You have to stay away from telling your readers too many things. They get bored. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post791818.html#p791818
I know I have somehow completely diverged away from plot and into style, but I guess I subconsciously find it difficult to talk about other people's plot, so I give up. It's just not in me.

I hope some of this helps you, because despite what this review may appear to be, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think you could handle it or weren't going to take my advice and put it to good use. Besides, I have faith in you. Alright, I'm about to post.

Oh, and another idea. Have you heard about those Will Review for Food threads? Some of those reviewers are just begging for stuff to pick at. I don't always have the time to review this extensively, but I'm sure one of them would be thrilled to give you a piece of their mind on the subject of your work. Of course, if nothing will do but one of my reviews, I will be more than happy to oblige.

As always...
Happy Writing!
Wolfie

Still quite interesting. Timberwolf seems to have taken a liking to Brigid. So I wonder what will happen now. Update soon.