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Post Twilight Saga : Forever Dusk ~Chapter 01~



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Fri Jun 18, 2010 12:31 pm
Currer says...



Edward and Bella's story ended in the book Breaking Dwan .......... Now a new story begins from Renesmee Cullen's point of view ......... This is her story



Forever Dusk

~ * ~





Chapter o1

~ Flashback ~


The alarm was so loud that the nearby cup containing cool water fell down and broke making a piercing noise.

I woke up at once. It was 08:00 AM and I was late for school. I changed my clothes and rushed to the kitchen. My mom Bella, gave a smile while placing breakfast for me. I was different from mom n dad. I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitterend under sun. My mom was probably was the most swift mom.

"Ren...did u over slept ?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years.

"Ya.....gotta go!" I answered her with my mouth fully stuffed with toasts.

I gave her a good bye kiss....her skin was very cold but I loved the way she was.

I was out door is the mist. I had just walked a few steps and mom came running towards me having a jacket in her right hand.

"You'll get cold.....C'mon wear it" she was very caring to me I loved her a lot.

Mom, Dad and rest of Cullens except me were never harmed by the changes in the weather. I was different though.....Forks High School was the place mom n dad 1st meet. I keep hearing the fun they had by Aunt Alice. She is very close to me like a friend.

I took a deep breath and entered the hall. There stood Zaara, Knox, Daisy and Aron talking to each other {probably about me}. Zaara waved her hand and Daisy ran towards me. It was clear on her face that she was kinda worried....

" Ren...how ar u?" she asked me with no smile as far as I know she is a very happy chatty girl.

"Fine...Daisy u look worried...any prob?" It was clear on her face that she was not fine. My other fiends surrounded us.

"Take her to the washroom and then tell everything" Knox suggested.

"Ok...still there is time" Zaara checked her wrist watch and concluded.

After that I was taken to a isolated washroom. Knox and Aron waited outside.

"Its hard to tell but....." Zaara said with a little gilt.

"Go ahead she'll understand " Aron shouted at Zaara.

"I know you dip !" Zaara yelled back.

I was really confused with my observations. My friends very informal to me were behaving strangely.....

"Your bro Derek........he was expelled !" Daisy finally answered after a short pause.

Derek was not my bro biologically but he was adoptted son of Aunt Rosali and Uncle Emmet. I haven't talked to them for a while due to my busy life.

"How? When?" I asked both of them.

"Well, he is said to have slaughter one of his friend in the woods." Daisy answered and cried. She was actually very intrested in Derek. And couldn't see her all hopes scattered.

I know why it happned. Derek was newly converted into a Vampire and was unable to control his thrist. I barely talked to him sicne he left Cullen family a year ago and was living in hidings. Drinking animal blood like Cullens but Human ?! It was hard for me to believe. But I was sure that the Cullens will soon capture him.

"Ok I see" I gave a straight forward answer to prevent any further questioning and the bell rang.

"So you're fine...right?" Zaara asked as we walked towards the Language Class.

"Ya..totally" I replied with an artificial smile since I never wanted a human girl to worry about the Vampires. Daisy was still crying and was comforted by Knox.

I occupied the seat near the window. It was raining and the rain droplets looked like fingers slowely coming downwards. Aron sat next to me, Zaara n Daisy wereat my back and Aron was sitting I front of Knox.

"Ok ! silence class ! Today we will start the story 'The Tempest' but before that I would like to indroduce you'll with a new transfer student" Our Language teacher Mr. Jamson announced when the class was silent.

A boy with white skin walked inside the room. His cheaks were red and hairs were very very dark blue. It was hard to guess at 1st.

His gaze were straight and he had an expressionless face.

"Say hi ! to Master Leon Nightingale, He is from Alaska and will now be studing in this school" Mr. Jamson announced with joy probably because he was from north.

"Sit over there" Teacher pointed at the seat in front of me.

I wished.....that he must not sit I fornt of me least cause I'm kinda "scared" of strangers. But it didn't worked. Leon took the seat and the class strated. He was very calm that time however I never expected that from him since I somehow avoid strangers in my own way.The class went on and on . I had already finished reading the story at home so It was up to me to pay attenton on the lecture or not.

I looked at his back for a while. His hairs were rare I must say very rare. He wore a violet Tshirt. Because of that his arms were looking too white though they were pinkish white. I started to write the key points of his arms. Dunno why i did so. Probably the anotomy of his arms was too hypnotic for me to resist.

I was sometimes not in my senses and so my pen slipped from my hand. It fell down near the legs of Leon. He heard the sound and picked it up. He turned around and with my pen in his right hand.

I was paused....time around me was paused.

He gave a simle with his narrow eyes and a big cute dimple on his right cheak. His smile was heavenly.

He kept the pen in my had and I got a "flashback" of his childhood. That was the 1st time I came across the truth that I even had one more supernatural power unlike rest of the Cullen. It was somewhat similar to that of aunt Alice.......

In the flashback I saw a boy eating alone with his mom.

It is the occassion of Christmas. There is no other male except the boy in the room. People are in festive mood but this boy and his mom are not.. Its too depressing to see these two alone in the house. Somebody knocks on the door and the door opens. There is a shadow of a male but his face is not clear. The boy n his mom becomes happy......the moment....they look at this man.

Everything was fast and ended in few seconds. I knew nothing about this paranormal power. Its strange than that of aunt Alice.

"Ren ?! Your not in the class" Mr. Jamson yelled at me.

What was it ? A flash back !?! I gotta talk about it with aunt, mom n dad. I thought to myself as sir kept yelling at me.
  





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Fri Jun 18, 2010 3:21 pm
retrodisco666 says...



Right, the first thing i'm going to say, is that you need to work on the spelling in the piece, and you need to put and instead of n, also there is the grammar, it needs working on abit.

The piece is also moving to fast, way to fast. I think that this is due to the fact that there is not enoguh description in the piece.

I really dislike twilight, with a passion, however with work. This piece could work quite nicely. I think you should write it as a vampire book, but not based around the twilight saga. Create new characters and make it your own. if you were to do that this could become a really good novel. It has alot of potential.

Let me know if you decide to correct it.

Hope i helped.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
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Fri Jun 18, 2010 3:57 pm
Junglelover says...



Hi there!
I can tell you put a lot of work into this, but you have to put some time into checking your spelling.
Also, ad some description. You could make this a good book if you work on it.

Bold= stuff I corrected.




The alarm was so loud that the nearby cup containing cool water fell down and broke making a piercing noise.

I woke up at once. It was 08:00 AM and I was late for school. I changed my clothes and rushed to the kitchen. My mom Bella, gave a smile while placing breakfast for me. I was different from mom n' dad. I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitterend under sun. My mom was probably was the most swift mom.

"Ren...did you over slept ?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years.

"Ya.....gotta go!" I answered her with my mouth fully stuffed with toasts.

I gave her a good bye kiss....her skin was very cold but I loved the way she was.

I was out door is the mist. I had just walked a few steps and mom came running towards me having a jacket in her right hand.

"You'll get cold.....C'mon wear it" she was very caring to me I loved her a lot.

Mom, Dad and rest of Cullens except me were never harmed by the changes in the weather. I was different though.....Forks High School was the place mom n' dad 1st met. I keep hearing the fun they had by Aunt Alice. She is very close to me like a friend.

I took a deep breath and entered the hall. There stood Zaara, Knox, Daisy and Aron talking to each other {probably about me}. Zaara waved her hand and Daisy ran towards me. It was clear on her face that she was kinda worried....

" Ren...how are you?" she asked me with no smile as far as I know she is a very happy chatty girl.

"Fine...Daisy you look worried...any prob?" It was clear on her face that she was not fine. My other fiends surrounded us.

"Take her to the washroom and then tell everything" Knox suggested.

"Ok...still there is time" Zaara checked her wrist watch and concluded.

After that I was taken to a isolated washroom. Knox and Aron waited outside.

"Its hard to tell but....." Zaara said with a little gilt.

"Go ahead she'll understand " Aron shouted at Zaara.

"I know you dip !" Zaara yelled back.

I was really confused with my observations. My friends very informal to me were behaving strangely.....

"Your bro Derek........he was expelled !" Daisy finally answered after a short pause.

Derek was not my bro biologically but he was adopted son of Aunt Rosali and Uncle Emmet. I haven't talked to them for a while due to my busy life.

"How? When?" I asked both of them.

"Well, he is said to have slaughter one of his friend in the woods." Daisy answered and cried. She was actually very interested in Derek. And couldn't see her all hopes scattered.

I know why it happened. Derek was newly converted into a Vampire and was unable to control his thirst. I barely talked to him since he left Cullen family a year ago and was living in hidings. Drinking animal blood like Cullens but Human ?! It was hard for me to believe. But I was sure that the Cullens will soon capture him.

"Ok ,I see." I gave a straight forward answer to prevent any further questioning and the bell rang.

"So you're fine...right?" Zaara asked as we walked towards the Language Class.

"Ya..totally" I replied with an artificial smile since I never wanted a human girl to worry about the Vampires. Daisy was still crying and was comforted by Knox.

I occupied the seat near the window. It was raining and the rain droplets looked like fingers slowlycoming downwards. Aron sat next to me, Zaara n' Daisy whereat my back and Aron was sitting I front of Knox.

"Ok ! silence class ! Today we will start the story 'The Tempest' but before that I would like to introduceyou'll with a new transfer student" Our Language teacher Mr. Jamson announced when the class was silent.

A boy with white skin walked inside the room. His cheeks were red and hairs were very very dark blue. It was hard to guess at 1st.

His gaze were straight and he had an expressionless face.

"Say hi ! to Master Leon Nightingale, He is from Alaska and will now be studing in this school" Mr. Jamson announced with joy probably because he was from north.

"Sit over there" Teacher pointed at the seat in front of me.

I wished.....that he must not sit I front of me least cause I'm kinda "scared" of strangers. But it didn't worked. Leon took the seat and the class stared. He was very calm that time however I never expected that from him since I somehow avoid strangers in my own way.The class went on and on . I had already finished reading the story at home so It was up to me to pay attention on the lecture or not.

I looked at his back for a while. His hairs were rare I must say very rare. He wore a violet T-shirt. Because of that his arms were looking too white though they were pinkish white. I started to write the key points of his arms. Dunno why I did so. Probably the anatomy of his arms was too hypnotic for me to resist.

I was sometimes not in my senses and so my pen slipped from my hand. It fell down near the legs of Leon. He heard the sound and picked it up. He turned around and with my pen in his right hand.

I was paused....time around me was paused.

He gave a smile with his narrow eyes and a big cute dimple on his rightcheek. His smile was heavenly.

He kept the pen in my had and I got a "flashback" of his childhood. That was the 1st time I came across the truth that I even had one more supernatural power unlike rest of the Cullen. It was somewhat similar to that of aunt Alice.......

In the flashback I saw a boy eating alone with his mom.

It is the occasion of Christmas. There is no other male except the boy in the room. People are in festive mood but this boy and his mom are not.. Its too depressing to see these two alone in the house. Somebody knocks on the door and the door opens. There is a shadow of a male but his face is not clear. The boy n his mom becomes happy......the moment....they look at this man.

Everything was fast and ended in few seconds. I knew nothing about this paranormal power. Its strange than that of aunt Alice.

"Ren ?! Your not in the class" Mr. Jamson yelled at me.

What was it ? A flash back !?! I gotta talk about it with aunt, mom n' dad. I thought to myself as sir kept yelling at me.

Hope this helped.

Jungle
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
  





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Tue Jun 22, 2010 1:31 am
KaitelynMiller says...



I'm sure you've heard this a million and a half times, but you really need to work on spelling. This isn't a text you're sending to a friend; it's a piece of work you're posting online for people to critique. It'd be a lot easier for us to do our job if we weren't tripping over incorrect spelling, grammar and punctuation. It's simple words too. You can't expect a critique on your piece if we have to be your editors.
I was different from mom n dad. I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitterend under sun.

:arrow: I was different from mom and dad. It's kind of an amateur sentence and it doesn't flow well with the rest of your piece.
:arrow: I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitter in the sun. Again, amateur sentence. Plus it starts the same way as your previous sentence.

You're whole piece could use some work and I don't mean to sound rude, but it's how I review things. You have a great idea going, but you need to make your pieces sound more grownup if you expect people to be interested in them.

Sorry again.
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Tue Jun 22, 2010 2:06 am
Naydy says...



First thing. I like the story.
Second. Did you read all story the Twilight saga?
Third. I hope you write some more.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!
  





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Tue Jun 22, 2010 3:34 pm
midnightread says...



Hi Currer
First of welcome to yws.
I love the way that this is about Renesmee, but I thought she could only put her thoughts into someones else head not get memories from them.
Right, nit-picks.
There are loads of problems with this, but none of them are major.
You made some spelling mistakes and used the wrong word in some places so I would advise a re-read of what you've written so you can correct your own mistakes.
I also saw that you write in short hand, not to sound like a git but you're meant to write in the proper way, like writing first as first and not 1st.
pm me if you have any questions or when you post more.
midnightread :elephant:
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A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


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Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
  





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Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:41 pm
thegirlandthepen says...



:) Welcome to YWS :)

My name is Eddie and I'm going to review this for you today, and quite frankly; I'm going to correct all of your grammar and spelling mistakes. Please remember for next time to spellcheck it somehow, if you're writing this on Microsoft Word it shouldn't be a problem, however if whatever you're writing on doesn't have a spellcheck, I'm pretty sure they are easy to download. If not I'd be more than happy to go over your work before submitting it, thats up to you. Okay, on with the review!

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Bits I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

Currer wrote:Edward and Bella's story ended in the book Breaking DwanDawn .......... Now a new story begins from Renesmee Cullen's point of view ......... This is her story



Forever Dusk (I like the title!)

~ * ~





Chapter o1

~ Flashback ~


The alarm was so loud that the nearby cup containing cool water fell down and broke making a piercing noise.

Why would a cup make a piercing noise? If you're referring to the alarm, you need to swap things around a bit. I.e.
The piercing noise of the alarm was so loud, the vibrations caused a nearby cup of cool water to fall over and smash on the floor.


I woke up at once. It was 08:00 AM and I was late for school.

I like the bluntness of this part, however if the alarm is going off why would she be late for school? Maybe its just me being dumb...

I changed my clothes and rushed to the kitchen. My mom Bella, gave a warm smile while placing breakfast for me. I was different from mom nand dad. I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitterend under /in the sun. My mom was probably was the most swift mom.

I don't understand this sentence. What do you mean by swift? Was she fast? As in running? Or fast as in intuitive, as she always knew what was wrong with you? Please elaborate.

"Ren...[.quote]
I don't mean to be nitpicky, but I've read the books. Bella does not call Renesmee 'Ren' this is the thing with FanFiction you have to stay true to the facts.

did uyou over sleptsleep?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years.

The grammar of this is really terrible, I'm also confused. Renesmee grows fast so techinically it wouldn't be 16 years until she reached 16, it would possible be just about half that. I would suggest changing this.
'Her expressions were always gentle, but then again she hasn't changed at all over the past 8 years.'[/color]

"[color=#FF0000]YaYeah.....gotta' go!" I answered her with my mouth fully stuffed with toasts.

I gave her a good byegoodbye kiss....her skin was very cold but I loved the way she was.

This part reads awkward, try something like. 'Her porcelain skin was cool to touch, but it was something I was used too.'

I was out door isin the morning mist. I had just walked a few steps and mom came running towards me having waving a jacket in her right hand.

"You'll get cold.....C'mon wear it" she was very caring to me I loved her a lot.

I understand what you're trying to do here, its very sweet. However it doesn't make a lot of sense grammatically. I don't want to tell you how to write, but you could try. 'I felt a rush of love for her just then, her caring nature was one of my favourite qualities.

Mom, Dad and the rest of the Cullens' exceptbut me were never harmed by the changes in the weather. I was different though..... (New paragraph here) Forks High School was the place mom n dad 1stfirst meetmet. I keep hearing the fun they had by Aunt Alice. She is very close to me like a friend.

Again the grammar isn't quite right here. Try re-phrasing it slightly. 'We were very close, she was more of a best friend than an Aunt.'

I took a deep breath and entered the hall. There stood Zaara, Knox, Daisy and Aron talking to each other {probably about me}. Zaara waved her hand and Daisy ran towards me. It was clear on her face that she was kindakind of worried....

" Ren...how arare uyou?" she asked me with no smile as far as I know she is a very happy chatty girl.

Grammar... 'Her face expressionless, which was odd as she was always such a happy, chatty girl.'

"Fine...Daisy uyou look worried...any probproblems?" It was clear on her face that she was not fine. My other fiendsfriends surrounded us.

"Take her to the washroom and then tell her everything" Knox suggested.

"Ok...still there is still time" Zaara checked her wrist watch and concluded.

After that I was taken to an isolated/empty washroom. Knox and Aron waited outside.

"Its hard to tellexplain but....." Zaara said with a little giltguilt.

"Go ahead she'll understand " Aron shouted from the other side of the door at Zaara.

"I know you dip !" Zaara yelled back.

Dip? Dipstick maybe? :)

I was really confused with my observations. My friends very informal to me were behaving strangely.....

The vocabulary on this is pretty impressive, however it makes absolutely no sense, sorry.
'I was confused. My friends were behaving strangely...'


[/quote]"Your bro Derek........he was expelled !" Daisy finally answered after a short pause.

Derek was not my brobrother biologically but he was adopttedadopted son of Aunt Rosalie and Uncle Emmett. I haven't talked to them for a while due to my busy life.

"How? When?" I asked both of them.

"Well, he is said to have slaughtered one of his friends in the woods." Daisy answered and cried/began to cry. She was actually very intrested in Derek. And couldn't see her all/all her hopes scattered.

I know why it happned. Derek was newly converted into a Vampire and was unable to control his thristthirst. I barely talked to him sicnesince he left Cullen family/my family a year ago and was living in hidings. Drinking animal blood like Cullens but Human ?! It was hard for me to believe. But I was sure that the Cullens will soon capture him.[/quote]
Another awkward sentence. Try 'He always drunk the blood of animals, like every other Cullen. I didn't believe that he was capable of killing a human. Surely my family would catch him soon, I hoped.'

"Ok I see" I gave a straight forward answer to prevent any further questioning and the bell rang.

"So you're fine...right?" Zaara asked as we walked towards the Language Class.

"YaYeah..totally" I replied with an artificial smile, since I never wanted a human girl to worry about the Vampires. Daisy was still crying and was comforted by Knox.

I occupied the seat near the window. It was raining and the rain droplets looked like fingers slowely coming downwards. Aron sat next to me, Zaara nand Daisy wereat my back/were behind me and Aron was sitting I/in front of Knox.

"Ok ! Silence class ! Today we will start the story 'The Tempest', but before that I would like to indroduce/introduce you'll/you all with a new transfer student" Our Language teacher Mr. Jamson announced when the class was silent.

A boy with white skin walked inside the room. His cheaks/cheeks were red and hairs were was very very dark blue. It was hard to guess at 1st/first.[/quote]
I would re-consider this sentence. Perhaps 'The longer I stared at his hair the more I realised it was actually a dark blue.'

His gaze were straight and he had an expressionless face.

'He kept his gaze to the front of the glass, he wore no expression on his face.'

"Say hi !/Say hi to Master Leon Nightingale, He is from Alaska and will now be studing/studying in this school" Mr. Jamson announced with joy, probably because he was from north.

"Sit over there" The Teacher pointed at the seat in front of me.

I wished/hoped.....that he must not sit I fornt of me least /wouldn't sit in front of me cause I'm kinda' "scared" of strangers. But it didn't worked. Leon took the seat and the class strated/started. He was very calm at that time however I never expected that from him since I somehow avoid strangers in my own way.The class went on and on . I had already finished reading the story at home so It was up to me to pay attenton/attention onto the lecture or not.

I looked at his back for a while. His hairs/hair were/was rare I must say very rare. He wore a violet T-shirt. Because of that his arms were looking too white though they were pinkish white. I started to write the key points of his arms. Dunno why i did so. Probably the anotomy of his arms was too hypnotic for me to resist.



I'm gonna have to stop here because I didn't realise how long it was going to take me, I have to go out now. But I promise I'll come back tomorrow and finish the rest.
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." - Stephen King.

EDDiE. :]

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Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:16 pm
Klpidnc12 says...



There are some grammar and spelling issues in this. I love it though, I like how Rosalie and Emmett adopted a son like Esme and Carlisle. Although I can't quite picture them doing that though, they dont seem ready for that responsiblitly. I
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 12:41 am
Sierra says...



Very good. I only have a few nitpicks.

*I think your characters need to be a little more 3D. They are people. They have fears, likes, dislikes. Make them real!!!
*Correct grammar. And, not n.
*That's it. I'm impressed.
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:59 am
DemiGodsRule12 says...



Spell check please! I really dn't like reading stories were the authors shorten words. So please use 'you' instead of 'u'. And secondly don't 'n' just take the extra two seconds to write out the word. I promise everything will be 100% better if you do.
Overall:
Good story. Everything was really great, except for what I pointed out. Well really everyone pointed it out.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love. By returning, you may ensure that fewer souls are maimed, fewer families are torn apart. If that seems to you a worthy goal, then we say good-bye for the present.” - Albus Dumbledore
  





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Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:18 pm
Charlii101 says...



Currer wrote:Edward and Bella's story ended in the book Breaking Dwan .......... Now a new story begins from Renesmee Cullen's point of view ......... This is her story



Forever Dusk

~ * ~





Chapter o1

~ Flashback ~


The alarm was so loud that the nearby cup containing cool water fell down and broke making a piercing noise.

I woke up at once. It was 08:00 AM and I was late for school. I changed my clothes and rushed to the kitchen. My mom Bella, gave a smile while placing breakfast for me. I was different from mom (and) n dad. I was the only one in our family who ate food and didn't glitterend under sun. My mom was probably was the most swift mom.

"Ren...did u over slept(sleep) ?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years.

"Ya(yeah).....gotta go!" I answered her with my mouth fully stuffed with toasts.

I gave her a good bye kiss....her skin was very cold(instead of very cold say icy to the touch) but I loved the way she was.

I was out door is the mist. I had just walked a few steps and mom came running towards me having a jacket in her right hand.

"You'll get cold.....C'mon wear it" she was very caring to me I loved her a lot.(i wouldn't really have this bit in)

Mom, Dad and rest of Cullens except me were never harmed by the changes in the weather. I was different though.....Forks High School was the place mom n(and) dad 1st(first) meet. I keep hearing the fun they had by Aunt Alice. She is very close to me like a friend.

I took a deep breath and entered the hall. There stood Zaara, Knox, Daisy and Aron talking to each other {probably about me}. Zaara waved her hand and Daisy ran towards me. It was clear on her face that she was kinda worried....

" Ren...how ar u(you)?" she asked me with no smile as far as I know she is a very happy chatty girl.

"Fine...Daisy u(you) look worried...any prob?" It was clear on her face that she was not fine. My other fiends(friends) surrounded us.

"Take her to the washroom and then tell everything" Knox suggested.

"Ok...still there is time" Zaara checked her wrist watch and concluded.

After that I was taken to a isolated washroom. Knox and Aron waited outside.

"Its hard to tell but....." Zaara said with a little gilt.

"Go ahead she'll understand " Aron shouted at Zaara.

"I know you dip !" Zaara yelled back.

I was really confused with my observations. My friends very informal to me were behaving strangely.....

"Your bro(Brother) Derek........he was expelled !" Daisy finally answered after a short pause.

Derek was not my bro(brother) biologically but he was adoptted son of Aunt Rosali and Uncle Emmet. I haven't talked to them for a while due to my busy life.

"How? When?" I asked both of them.

"Well, he is said to have slaughter one of his friend in the woods." Daisy answered and cried. She was actually very intrested in Derek. And couldn't see her all hopes scattered.

I know why it happned. Derek was newly converted into a Vampire and was unable to control his thrist. I barely talked to him sicne he left Cullen family a year ago and was living in hidings. Drinking animal blood like Cullens but Human ?! It was hard for me to believe. But I was sure that the Cullens will soon capture him.

"Ok I see" I gave a straight forward answer to prevent any further questioning and the bell rang.

"So you're fine...right?" Zaara asked as we walked towards the Language Class.

"Ya(yeah)..totally" I replied with an artificial smile since I never wanted a human girl to worry about the Vampires. Daisy was still crying and was comforted by Knox.

I occupied the seat near the window. It was raining and the rain droplets looked like fingers slowely coming downwards. Aron sat next to me, Zaara n Daisy wereat my back and Aron was sitting I front of Knox.

"Ok ! silence class ! Today we will start the story 'The Tempest' but before that I would like to indroduce you'll with a new transfer student" Our Language teacher Mr. Jamson announced when the class was silent.

A boy with white skin walked inside the room. His cheaks were red and hairs were very very dark blue. It was hard to guess at 1st.(first)

His gaze were(was) straight and he had an expressionless face.

"Say hi ! to Master Leon Nightingale, He is from Alaska and will now be studing in this school" Mr. Jamson announced with joy probably because he was from north.

"Sit over there" Teacher pointed at the seat in front of me.

I wished.....that he must not sit I fornt of me least cause I'm kinda "scared" of strangers. But it didn't worked. Leon took the seat and the class strated. He was very calm that time however I never expected that from him since I somehow avoid strangers in my own way.The class went on and on . I had already finished reading the story at home so It was up to me to pay attenton on the lecture or not.

I looked at his back for a while. His hairs were rare I must say very rare.(what is this on about?) He wore a violet Tshirt. Because of that his arms were looking too white though they were pinkish white. I started to write the key points of his arms. Dunno why i did so. Probably the anotomy of his arms was too hypnotic for me to resist.

I was sometimes not in my senses and so my pen slipped from my hand. It fell down near the legs of Leon. He heard the sound and picked it up. He turned around and with my pen in his right hand.

I was paused....time around me was paused.

He gave a simle with his narrow eyes and a big cute dimple on his right cheak. His smile was heavenly.

He kept the pen in my had and I got a "flashback" of his childhood. That was the 1st(first) time I came across the truth that I even had one more supernatural power unlike rest of the Cullen. It was somewhat similar to that of aunt Alice.......

In the flashback I saw a boy eating alone with his mom.

It is the occassion of Christmas. There is no other male except the boy in the room. People are in festive mood but this boy and his mom are not.. Its too depressing to see these two alone in the house. Somebody knocks on the door and the door opens. There is a shadow of a male but his face is not clear. The boy n(and) his mom becomes happy......the moment....they look at this man.

Everything was fast and ended in few seconds. I knew nothing about this paranormal power. Its strange than that of aunt Alice.

"Ren ?! Your not in the class" Mr. Jamson yelled at me.

What was it ? A flash back !?! I gotta talk about it with aunt, mom n(and) dad. I thought to myself as sir kept yelling at me.

right a few spelling mistakes and grammer i would read through your work and use spell check besides this i thought you have captured Stephenie Meyer's story well just go over your work and get spell check on.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1026
Reviews: 2
Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:25 am
sammay says...



I really liked it but you NEED to work on your spelling. This isn't Face book, write out you and the word and. You also need to work on your grammar. Also you said "Ren...did u over slept ?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years. I will have what I corrected in capital letters. Ren...did YOU overSLEEP?" Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years. And I don't understand this part:Mom was gentle is expressions, for me she was same for past 16 years. I can't stand it when authors shorten words unless they are telling what was in a text message. There are some other mistakes I just wanted to point out a couple. Otherwise I really like this story. Good luck!
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  








For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn