z

Young Writers Society


Chapter 1



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18 Reviews



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Points: 1040
Reviews: 18
Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:50 am
asweeney1919 says...



Morcia is a plentiful land. The people of Morcia where doing there every day routine; shopping, cleaning, teaching, training and, fetching water. When all of a sudden the ground started shaking. The guard tower started to wobble and it fell to the ground killing many people. Then some one got up and noticed that there was a fiery ball of twigs. And he yelled catapult. Then it hit and the whole city crumbled into bits and pieces.
Then a man named Chris walked in and yelled “what happened?”
He ran up to the area where his house used to be. And he saw his dad on the ground with a rock threw his chest. Then he pulled out the rock and his dad lurched up and spewed out blood. He asked “son is that you?”
Then Chris said “yes it is me.”
Then the dad said “never forget where you came from.” “And Kill the Arcians!”
Then his dad died.
Chris yelled “NOOOOOO!”
10 years later…
The birds were chirping and the deer were eating and Chris was asleep in his hand was a bottle of ale in his hand. when he woke up and put the bottle down and got dressed in his casual cloth clothing. He went outside and chopped off a chicken head, He went inside and plucked the feathers off it and cooked it and ate it. Thats when he decided to head up to the city and buy a new training sword.
He walked outside and there was something trying to steal from his food stalk. He yelled “get off my land!” then the thing looked at him and he saw it wasn’t a person it was this wired creature with horns coming out of his head and eyes as black as a star and moonless night. Chris had never seen such a thing. It stood up and charged at Chris. Then Chris pulled out his broadsword and hewed the thing down with one mighty blow to the head. The thing instantly caught on fire and turned to dust. Then the wind blew the dust away. He said to himself “what was that thing?”
Then he shook his shoulders and continued his hike threw the woods and up to the city. He got there and the guards said “we have to take your weapons while you’re in the city.
Chris said “what? Why?”
Then the soldier said “its new protocol someone tried to stab one of the shop keepers.”
So Chris handed over his sword and went into the city. He searched all day and he finally found something worth looking for. He found a request for a wanted person. He took the piece of paper off the wood and put it in his pocket. He finally found a place selling a trading sword. He bought it and went home for the night. He woke up the next morning to screaming and hollering and extreme heat. Chris’s eyes flew open and he saw fire around him. He got strait up and grabbed his sword and headed out side. He saw several of those creatures that he killed yesterday burning down his house. Chris yelled “what are you doing?”
Then all of the creatures circled him. Right when Chris thought he was about to die these wired people jumped out of the trees and slaughtered the wired creatures one by one. Then all of a sudden they turned there swords towards Chris. Then Chris unsheathed his sword and went towards one of them. He swung his sword in such a way it sliced right through the person’s neck. Then he raised his hands up and a black demon flew out of his hands and flew down and killed the rest of the people. Then the thing flew back into his hand. Chris just stood there looking at his hand in surprise.
Chris stood there all night just looking at hiss hand when he remembered that he needed to clean up all the dead body’s on his property. So he did and then he attached his sword to his belt and decided to leave and never come back. So he just left into the woods. He started to walk and just when he was about to leave the woods a bear appeared out of now where and it sprang at Chris and tackled him down to the ground. He reached for his sword and it wasn’t here.then he grabbed a stick and hit the bear. the bear rolled off him he scrried over to his sword and unsheathed it and sliced threw the bears neck and the head fell off
Last edited by asweeney1919 on Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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23 Reviews



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Points: 1040
Reviews: 23
Thu Oct 14, 2010 12:03 pm
GhostlyImpressions says...



Eurgh. I feel so mean even writing this, and I shouldn't because I actually enjoyed it.
I have one flaw with it that I may just pick you to pieces apart, and that is the constant use of "then".

Don't let anyone tell you that you have written too much though, because if some people don't have the patience to sit and read it, and actually review it then they ought not be here.

That's all I can say, you should definitely keep writing.

- GhostlyImpressions.
Ghosts always float through your mind; but they stay longer than necessary. Like my thoughts.
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 18
Thu Oct 14, 2010 10:02 pm
asweeney1919 says...



thaNX I LIKE THE REPY
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1040
Reviews: 18
Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:41 am
asweeney1919 says...



i fixed some of it hope you like it
  





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Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:15 am
soulidium says...



asweeney1919 wrote:Morcia is a plentiful land. The people of Morcia where doing there every day routine; shopping, cleaning, teaching, training and, fetching water. When all of a sudden the ground started shaking. The guard tower started to wobble and it fell to the ground killing many people. Then some one got up and noticed that there was a fiery ball of twigs. And he yelled catapult. Then it hit and the whole city crumbled into bits and pieces.
Then a man named Chris walked in and yelled “what happened?”
He ran up to the area where his house used to be. And he saw his dad on the ground with a rock threw his chest. Then he pulled out the rock and his dad lurched up and spewed out blood. He asked “son is that you?”
Then Chris said “yes it is me.”
Then the dad said “never forget where you came from.” “And Kill the Arcians!”
Then his dad died.
Chris yelled “NOOOOOO!”
10 years later…
The birds were chirping and the deer were eating and Chris was asleep in his hand was a bottle of ale in his hand. when he woke up and put the bottle down and got dressed in his casual cloth clothing. He went outside and chopped off a chicken head, He went inside and plucked the feathers off it and cooked it and ate it. That's when he decided to head up to the city and buy a new training sword.
He walked outside and there was something trying to steal from his food stalk. He yelled “get off my land!” then the thing looked at him and he saw it wasn’t a person it was this wired creature with horns coming out of his head and eyes as black as a star and moonless night. Chris had never seen such a thing. It stood up and charged at Chris. Then Chris pulled out his broadsword and hewed the thing down with one mighty blow to the head. The thing instantly caught on fire and turned to dust. Then the wind blew the dust away. He said to himself “what was that thing?”
Then he shook his shoulders and continued his hike threw the woods and up to the city. He got there and the guards said “we have to take your weapons while you’re in the city.
Chris said “what? Why?”
Then the soldier said “its new protocol someone tried to stab one of the shop keepers.”
So Chris handed over his sword and went into the city. He searched all day and he finally found something worth looking for. He found a request for a wanted person. He took the piece of paper off the wood and put it in his pocket. He finally found a place selling a trading sword. He bought it and went home for the night. He woke up the next morning to screaming and hollering and extreme heat. Chris’s eyes flew open and he saw fire around him. He got strait up and grabbed his sword and headed out side. He saw several of those creatures that he killed yesterday burning down his house. Chris yelled “what are you doing?”
Then all of the creatures circled him. Right when Chris thought he was about to die these wired people jumped out of the trees and slaughtered the wired creatures one by one. Then all of a sudden they turned there swords towards Chris. Then Chris unsheathed his sword and went towards one of them. He swung his sword in such a way it sliced right through the person’s neck. Then he raised his hands up and a black demon flew out of his hands and flew down and killed the rest of the people. Then the thing flew back into his hand. Chris just stood there looking at his hand in surprise.
Chris stood there all night just looking at hiss hand when he remembered that he needed to clean up all the dead body’s on his property. So he did and then he attached his sword to his belt and decided to leave and never come back. So he just left into the woods. He started to walk and just when he was about to leave the woods a bear appeared out of now where and it sprang at Chris and tackled him down to the ground. He reached for his sword and it wasn’t here.then he grabbed a stick and hit the bear. the bear rolled off him he scurried over to his sword and unsheathed it and sliced threw the bears neck and the head fell off
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:22 pm
Izzye says...



You seem to have a problem with tenses, you change very fast between present and past in the beginning and I think you do need to pick one and stick to it. Also, which is pretty common, you have some confusion of words, for example in the first line you use there instead of their. Finally, you use a lot of short sentences instead of joining them together.

Having said that, you obviously have imagination, my only suggestion is that you find a beta reader.
  





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Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:10 am
ashleysweeney says...



hey i tried to edit it for you but i cant do it from my account. sorry. it's very good though you need to fix the grammar. like instead of where in the first line it should be were.
  





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Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:25 am
ashleymae says...



[quote="GhostlyImpressions"]I have one flaw with it that I may just pick you to pieces apart, and that is the constant use of "then".[/quote}

I agree with GhostlyImpressions because the constant use of the same words over and over gets pretty aggravating. Sometimes, what it does is it draws readers away from your work, because according to some people, it makes it seem boring and not a good piece of writing, eventhough it may be. It could also dwindle your fan base until you have no one. Trust me on this, I know from my experience as an editor for my high school's paper.
Over all, it was a GOOD piece of work. I think you have to work on the repeation of words.
"Together we fight, no matter the price"

-Harlana and Robin, Sweetest Magic
  





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Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:01 pm
Stori says...



Perhaps I can be of some help.

where doing there every day routine;


In this case the proper spelling is "were" and "their." It's an easy mistake, so don't be discouraged.

Then a man named Chris walked in


Where is he walking into?

“And Kill the Arcians!”


No need to separate this from the rest of his speech. Also, "kill" doesn't need to be capitalized. Only the first letter in a sentence or a proper name needs a capital- for example, the Great Hall.

Just so you know, this forum is for stories inspired by other people's work. If you're unsure where to put this, ask around. And keep writing, my friend.
  








You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor