Young Writers Society

I think I've found another HP fan! WOO fan-girl scream!

I really like how you did this, you gave an insight of Lily Evan's life with Snape. I do think that it is short and that you could've added a little bit more, but that is just my opinion. I like the way that you flicker back to their childhood and then back again to their school life, you've given Lily Evan a part in the story that really helps clear things up. Even though there are these good qualities, I still think that you have to clear up on somethings.

For one: you have a problem with commas. I want you to read this over and whenever you find a space (place where you pause), just plonk a comma in there, though if it feels like two sentences, just smoosh them together with a semi-colon! That's what I do and it really helps. [That is just my basic tutorial on it, I've been flickering through this site and I noticed that there is actually a page that explains it more, you should really check it out] Another thing that I reccomend is layering, it really helps making things longer and it forces the writer to really read and concentrate on their writing. You need to do this as some of your sentences are dysfuntional with the others and it really tones down what you're trying to say.

Now, I feel that this is a little clunky. Try seperating it into paragraphs and then work from there, it's really easy once you've got music drumming in your ears. Oh, and, I should mention this: show not tell. Though you do have a miniature amount of this happening in your story, I still find it necessary that you do this. But I guess, this is a diary, you wouldn't start explaining the sky in your journal, though you wouldn't let others look at your diary either so I do reccomend explaining characters and surroundings.

Good work, none-the-less.
Hufflepuff ~ HP fan in action.

Haha, I love Harry Potter ♥ I think I'll do this one in purple.

So, first I have to say, her name is Lilly Evans, so you can't really call it "Lilly Evan's Diary." You would have to call it "Lilly Evans' Diary" or (preferrably) "Lilly Evans's Diary" (because that's the correct way to do it, but most people don't because it looks awkward). It's just a nitpick I guess.

Next, your sentences are a bit long and winded, or "run-on" if you prefer. Try breaking them up with commas or other punctuation, like periods or semicolons. It will be much easier to read.

I understand that this is supposed to sound like a teenage girl talking to a diary (because it is), but since this is fiction (albeit, fanfiction), you should still follow the rule where all the characters' dialogue is much more eloquent than they would be in real life - no filler words (um, uh, er, like), and no run-on sentences (excessive and's and such). This is, essentially, a monologue, so it still counts.

One last thing, you use a lot of transition words, which is usually fine if they're all interesting transition words, but you tend to use the bland ones, especially so. Do you remember when your fifth grade teacher insisted on colorful words? Yeah; this is why.

P.S. The word and should never be at the beginning of a sentence.

You're doing a good job so far! Keep writing ^.^