Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

Foxstar sniffed the air. She caught the scent of the other clans, she signaled for her clan to join the others the Thunderclan cats ran down the slope into the clearing. Foxstar could feel the questioning glares of the other clans burning into her fur curious about her clans late arrival, she leaped to her place among the other clan leaders,"Now that Thunderclan have arrived let the gathering begin" Spoke a silver tom Foxstar recognized as Oakstar leader of Riverclan, Oakstar is a wise leader Foxstar respected him, she silently thanked him for not challenging her "Riverclan is doing well, the river is plentiful with fish, and Snowfur has given birth to two healthy toms" Pride entered his eyes,every cat in the clearing knew Snowfur is Oakstars mate,the Riverclan leader stepped back and Lionstar took his place "Shadowclan has been well, there have been no twolegs in our territory and there is enough prey" Foxstar glared at Lionstar if there was enough prey, why did he look so thin and when she thought about it all the Shadowclan warriors did, she knew he lied so his clan won't look weak, but everyone could see that Shadowclan didn't have enough prey, but nobody would challege a Shadowclan leader. The Shadowclan leader moved aside as Tigerstar came forward "Windclan is also well there has never before been this many rabbits on the moor all of Windclans warriors are well fed" You could tell,because all the cat from windclan were bigger than usual. Windclan cats are normally the smallest of the clans, but they were even bigger than Shadowclan now "We have also turned the old fox dens into dens for the elders and queens" the full moon shifted in the sky Tigerstar signaled he was done, Foxstar knew it was her turn to speak "All has been well in Thunderclan there have been enough prey for all of our clan,we caught the scent of a fox in our territory tonight we chased it as far as Shadowclan border" worried glances passed between the Shadowclan cats " you've lead a fox to our territory" hissed one of the Shadowclan warriors 'you see Lionstar they are trying to destroy our clan" said another the fur on the Shadowclan warriors started to rise Foxstar stared in disbelief would shadowclan start a battle at a gathering, the light from the moon was gone she look to the sky, the moon was covered by clouds Oakstar stepped forward "Starclan is angry look the moon is covered, there must not be a fight at a gathring" "This gathering is over." said Tigerstar. Foxstar moved swiftly, she called to her clan when they had gathered she led them back into Thunderclan territory.

Hello, there. First off, I'd like to say that I'm not the best at reviews. Hope you can understand what I write...

To start, I did like that you explained how each of the characters were related to the setting. For example, Foxstar is the leader of ThunderClan, Lionstar is the leader of ShadowClan, etc. Remember that there is a very apparent danger in relaying all this information too soon. From my experience as a reader, knowing everything upfront kind of ruins the fun of finding out.

On to the part I'm not... excellent at. Throughout the piece, I noticed that grammar seemed to be an issue. The flowing of many sentences seemed to break, or continue on where they should have paused. This is easy to fix, adding a few punctuation marks and words. Also, the block-ish format of the writing makes it a bit harder to read. I'd recommend forming it into paragraphs...


Here's my edited version of this chapter (not adding any words):
*All edits will be in bold.

jessig833 wrote:Chapter 1

Foxstar sniffed the air. She caught the scent of the other Clans and signaled for her Clan to join the others. The ThunderClan cats ran down the slope into the clearing. Foxstar could feel the questioning glares of the other clans burning into her fur curious about her clans late arrival (Perhaps this sentence could use a bit of reworking.). She leaped to her place among the other Clan leaders.
(Added Paragraph Break)
"Now that ThunderClan has arrived, let the gathering begin. (possibly "!")" spoke a silver tom Foxstar recognized as Oakstar, leader of RiverClan. Oakstar was ("is" seems to be switching the tense of the sentence.) a wise leader; Foxstar respected him. She silently thanked him for not challenging her.
(Added Paragraph Break)
"RiverClan is doing well. The river is plentiful with fish, and Snowfur has given birth to two healthy toms." Pride entered his eyes--every cat in the clearing knew Snowfur was Oakstar's mate.
(Added Paragraph Break)
The RiverClan leader stepped back and Lionstar took his place. "ShadowClan has been well. There have been no twolegs in our territory, and there is enough prey."
(Added Paragraph Break)
Foxstar glared at Lionstar. If there was enough prey, why did he look so thin? And when she thought about it, all the ShadowClan warriors did. She knew he lied so his Clan wouldn't look weak, but everyone could see that ShadowClan didn't have enough prey, though nobody would challenge a ShadowClan leader. (That one sounded a bit like a run-on sentence. Remember to watch out for those.)
(Added Paragraph Break)
The ShadowClan leader moved aside as Tigerstar came forward. "WindClan is also well. There has never before been (It sounds like these two words should be switched.) this many rabbits on the moor. All of WindClan's warriors are well fed." You could tell, because all the cats from WindClan were bigger than usual. (The switching from 3rd person to 2nd doesn't sound right... in my mind, at least. I suggest changing "you" to "one." It's not critical, though.) WindClan cats were normally the smallest of the Clans, but they were even bigger than ShadowClan now. "We have also turned the old fox dens into dens for the elders and queens."
(Added Paragraph Break)
The full moon had (?) shifted in the sky. Tigerstar signaled that he was done. Foxstar knew it was her turn to speak. "All has been well in ThunderClan. There has been enough prey for all of our Clan. We caught the scent of a fox in our territory tonight. We chased it as far as the ShadowClan border."
(Added Paragraph Break)
Worried glances passed between the ShadowClan cats.
(Added Paragraph Break)
"You've lead a fox to our territory!" hissed one of the ShadowClan warriors.
(Added Paragraph Break)
"You see, Lionstar? They are trying to destroy our Clan!" said another.
(Added Paragraph Break)
The fur on the ShadowClan warriors started to rise. Foxstar stared in disbelief-- would ShadowClan start a battle at a gathering? The light from the moon was gone. She looked to the sky. The moon was covered by clouds.
(Added Paragraph Break)
Oakstar stepped forward. "StarClan is angry! Look, the moon is covered! There must not be a fight at a gathering!"
(Added Paragraph Break)
"This gathering is over," said Tigerstar.
(Added Paragraph Break)
Foxstar moved swiftly. She called to her Clan. When they had gathered, she led them back into ThunderClan territory.

Note that all of the edits are done in my style of writing. I'm by no means an expert on grammar/spelling/Warriors...

Overall, it's a good start to the story. To sum everything up, watch for grammar and information overload. I hope the editing wasn't too cluttered. ^^'