Young Writers Society

DelanieHeart wrote:

Draco Malfoy was sitting on a deep green, velvet couch in the Malfoy manor, polishing his broom. He had been observing his father all morning. He did not seem quite himself. In fact, Lucious Malfoy had been behaving quite oddly ever since the Dark Lord’s demise. He was still the same, but yet somehow different. He never recovered from such a loss of respect in the Wizarding World; Mr. Malfoy had believed Voldermort would regain his full power once more.

“Draco,” Mr. Malfoy said after a few moments of pacing on the ancient rug that sat in front of the fireplace, his black robes billowing out behind him. “Go and get changed,” he ordered. Draco looked up at his father with a confused glance. “What for?” “We’re going somewhere,” his father snapped, motioning for Draco to get up. When a different person talks, you need to start a new paragraph. I see this happening many times.

“Where? And what’s wrong with what I'm wearing?” he whined, looking down at his baggy black pants and wrinkled white shirt.

“Don’t question me, Draco,” Mr. Malfoy said in a menacing voice, his fingers curling. “Just do as I say. Now go and get changed.” With that, Draco’s father quickly strode out of the room, calling for his elegant wife, Narcissa Malfoy.

My father’s going mad, Draco thought as he headed up to his room. He changed out from what he was wearing and into a pair of black pants and a gray shirt, before throwing his robes over himself. He made his way downstairs and saw his mother and father waiting by the fireplace. Draco guessed that they were traveling by Floo Powder. He was very tempted to ask his father where they were headed to once again, but he decided it would be best if he kept his mouth shut. No need to make his father more irate with him. Perhaps Draco would be able to ask for a new broom when they got back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione watched as the Malfoys stepped out of her fireplace and saw that Draco wore an expression quite similar to hers; one of pure shock and surprise. “What the hell are we doing in this Mudblood’s house, father?!” Draco asked, staring hard at Hermione before examining the house around them with obvious distaste.

“Watch your tongue, Malfoy!” Hermione said angrily. “You're standing in my house. I don’t appreciate you insulting me in it either!” “Oh yeah?” Draco looked at her threateningly, his eyes narrowing. “What are you going to do about it, Mud blood?” Once again, you'll need to start a new paragraph once Draco starts talking.

“Silence, Draco!” Mr. Malfoy said angrily, poking his son in the back with the tip of his wand. “That is not how you talk to a lady,” snapped the angry reply from his father. He looked up at Hermione and gave her a tight smile, which made him seem rather constipated. “Hello Mud – er, Miss Granger,” Mr. Malfoy said, covering his mistake quickly, “Are your parents at home? I need to have a word with them.”

Hermione eyed Mr. Malfoy suspiciously, her unease growing every second the family she hated was in her house. “And what is it regarding?” She did not trust the Malfoys, so there was certainly no way she wanted her parents speaking to them; who knows what kind of mischief they could cause?

“Look, Miss Granger,” Narcissa Malfoy said with an air of superiority, “We’re here to speak to the adults of this household. Where are they?” she repeated after her husband, her long silver hair swaying as she leaned forward.

“Mother, why would you want to speak to those stupid muggles?” Draco asked, still looking at Hermione with annoyance. Mrs. Malfoy shot Draco a look that told him to remain quiet. Before Hermione could say anything else, her parents came trotting down from their bedroom. She groaned. She honestly did not want them talking to the Malfoys. The Grangers seemed slightly puzzled seeing unfamiliar people standing in their living room.

“Yes, may we help you?” Mr. Granger said uncertainly as he approached the Malfoys. “Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Granger, it’s a pleasure to finally meet the both of you,” Mr. Malfoy gushed, gliding forward to shake their hands a little too enthusiastically, his black robes dramatically sweeping the floor. “I'm Lucious Malfoy; this is my wife, Narcissa Malfoy and my son, Draco Malfoy.” You don't quite need to add Malfoy behind each of their names. This isn't really important, though. But the readers, and the Grangers, can infer that their son would have the last name of Malfoy.

Mrs. Malfoy gave a small smile. “Pleasure to meet you,” she said with the same air of superiority. She looked like she was getting bored with all the small talk. Draco chose to remain silent in all of this before his parents tell him to shut up once more. He looked around the Granger household and noticed the stark contrasts to his own home. For one thing, it was much brighter in here, as compared to his gloomy and dreary mansion. It was also much smaller here, he observed with slight disgust. If this is something that Draco thought, you'll need to italize it. If it's not the exact words he thought, then you can leave it alone.

Mrs. Granger looked from one Malfoy to the next. “I've heard about you all from Hermione,” she said, her eyes finally settling on Draco, “Especially about you.”

Mr. Malfoy let out a chuckle, which sounded more like he was trying to clear his throat of something vile. “I hope Miss Granger has said nice things about us,” he laughed heartily, causing the Grangers to shy away. Mrs. Granger shook her head slowly, still watching the strangers in her home. “Not exactly, no.”

Mr. Malfoy attempted to chuckle again. “I guess Draco and Miss Granger have never been all that friendly.” “That’s an understatement,” Again, you'll need a new paragraph.Hermione said loudly, glaring at Malfoy before looking hopelessly at her parents. “You're a funny girl, Miss Granger,” Mr. Malfoy said with that same constipated smile. It was obvious he was trying not to yell; the vein in his forehead looked as if it was about to burst. “Well, I came here in hope of changing things between you and Draco.”

Hermione did not quite like the sound of that. She fidgeted uneasily on the spot and wondered what Mr. Malfoy had in mind. “Father, things between the Mudblood and me are just the way it should be,” Draco said with a tinge of apprehension. Mr. Malfoy ignored Draco and looked at the Grangers. “Mr. and Mrs. Granger, I come here today with a marriage proposal. I want my son to wed your daughter.” Need a new paragraph.

Hermione’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened at Mr. Malfoy’s statement. Her parents gasped while Draco looked like he was about to pass out. The only two people who appeared calm were Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy. The room grew quiet as each person tried to sort out what they had just heard, minus Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy. This sentence sounds stiff near the end. You could try rewording it by saying "The exception of Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy" or something like that.

“NO WAY!” Draco and Hermione yelled in unison after a moment of silence. “Mr. Malfoy, our daughter’s far too young for marriage. She hasn’t even turned eighteen!” Mr. Granger informed him, his face turning a light red. “Besides, I don’t think it’s a very good idea to get—”

“Don’t be silly, Mr. Granger,” Mr. Malfoy interrupted, “I think it’s a perfect idea! Don’t you think so, Narcissa?”

“I think it’s a fantastic idea,” Mrs. Malfoy agreed, still wearing a blank expression. She began to tap her foot, the sound resounding throughout the house and increasing the tension.

“I don’t think it’s a fantastic idea!” Draco exclaimed. “I think it’s stupid! Father, have you gone crazy?”

“Draco, if you cease to remain quiet, I’ll be forced to put a Silencing Charm on you,” Mr. Malfoy said irritably. Draco folded his arms angrily and cursed under his breath. Everyone’s telling me to shut up! And father’s treating me like a little kid! How can he expect me to marry that filthy little Mudblood? Draco shouted inside his head, hoping a sliver of his emotions would reach his father.

Hermione glared hard at Mr. Malfoy. “I know what this about. I finally figured it out,” she seethed, arms folded. “You want your son to marry me because you want to gain the respect of the Wizarding World once more.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Miss Granger,” Mr. Malfoy said quietly, his voice low and menacing. It was a sign for Hermione to stop talking but of course Hermione pursued her lead, ignoring Mr. Malfoy completely.

“After Voldermort was defeated, you were lucky not to be found guilty for being a Death-Eater. The Ministry Of Magic acquitted you, but you were still not fully accepted by the Wizarding world. Most witches and wizards were certain of your connection with Voldermort, so they refused to treat you with any respect whatsoever.

“So, here you are today, wanting your son, your only pureblood heir, to marry me, a Mudblood, just so that you, Lucious Malfoy, can gain the same prestige and status you once had among wizards and witches. By getting your only son married to a muggle-born, you want to show the Wizarding World that you're truly at peace with muggles and muggle-born wizards and witches. But I'm not going to let that happen, Mr. Malfoy. There’s no way I'm going to marry your son and give you that satisfaction of power once more.”

Draco had the urge to move forward and teach Hermione a good lesson, but he couldn’t help wonder if she was right. It did make sense. His father wouldn’t mind ruining his son’s future to get what he wanted, and his father had proved that over and over again. “You have a very vivid imagination, I must say,” Mr. Malfoy said coolly, his fingers tightening slightly. “You're right about peace between wizards and muggles. That’s what I want and nothing more. I'm not interested in power and status.”

“I'm sure you aren’t,” Hermione said, rolling her eyes. “Nothing you say is going to convince me to marry your son. There’s just no way. We hate each other and enmity is the only relationship we’ll ever have,” Hermione said with a huff, sitting back down on the couch and glaring at the family in front of her.

“Well, there are other ways of convincing you, you know.” Mr. Malfoy said silkily, wand slightly raised. Mr. Granger placed his hand on his daughter’s shoulder protectively. “Mr. Malfoy, I have to ask you and your family to leave right now. As you can see, we do not approve this proposal and from the looks of it, neither does your son. There is no point forcing this upon them, so please leave.”

The sides of Mr. Malfoy’s lips twisted up into a small smile. “Maybe with Draco and Miss Granger living together the same dormitory, things may change. For the better, I hope.”

Draco turned to his father, a look of perplexity on his pale face. What the hell did his father mean? “I don’t understand, Mr. Malfoy? We’re in different houses!” Hermione asked, voicing Draco’s confusion.

“Don’t you know, Miss Granger?” Mr. Malfoy asked, smirking. “Draco’s the new Head Boy. And I know for a fact that you're the new Head Girl.” Hermione frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “You must be mistaken. The new Head Boy is Terry Smithers from Ravenclaw. I was informed of that in the letter I received from Hogwarts.”

Mr. Malfoy’s smirk remained in place. “Let’s just say that Mr. Smithers has met with a rather unfortunate accident and is unable to perform his duty as Head Boy for the next month or two. In fact, he won’t even be able to attend school. I heard it had something to do with a rogue band of nitflickers.”

Hermione fought the compulsion to whip out her wand and curse Mr. Malfoy. “What did you do to him?!” she demanded.

“So with some convincing from Professor Snape,”, Mr. Malfoy continued as though he had not heard Hermione’s question, “Dumbledore has decided that Draco shall carry out the duties of Head Boy instead of Mr. Smithers.”

Draco seemed delighted at the prospect of being Head Boy and he gave Hermione a smug smile. Hermione wanted to kill him and it almost felt like the tension was relieved. They hated each other; that was that. “Maybe then the two of you will learn to put your differences aside and who knows? Anything can happen,” Mr. Malfoy said with a glint in his eye.

“There’s no way anything’s happening,” Hermione said, throwing Draco a dirty look. “No way at all.”

“I’ll agree with the Mudblood for once,” Draco said, casting Hermione an equally dirty look. “Nothing will be happening.”

“Mr. Malfoy, I'm going to ask you yet again to leave my house,” Mr. Granger said with as much patience as he could muster. “Now.”

“Let me know if you change your mind, Mr. and Mrs. Granger.”

“I'm sure we will,” Hermione muttered sarcastically, shooing the Malfoys out.

Exchanging one last look of loathing with Hermione, Draco walked towards the fireplace and in a blink of an eye; the Malfoys disappeared into the emerald green flames. the semi-colon isn't needed in this sentence. A semi-colon is used to separate two sentences that are related. You could place a period after "Draco walked towards the fireplace." then get rid of the "and" there and start a completely new sentence.