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Young Writers Society


Waking The Fallen City of Evil



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Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:17 pm
a7xlatina978 says...



CHAPTER 1: A NEW PLACE

I lay my head on the window of the passenger side. Having just woken up, the days of driving have worn me out. Although I may have done nothing my body is tired from doing nothing. My mother is driving, my younger and older siblings in the backseat.
My mother: Maria Sanchez-Ruiz
My sisters: Celianette (12), Franca (9), and Laura (3 weeks)
My brothers: Ezekiel (8) and Jorje (17)

I rub my head and think of the sleep I had lost from the nightmares. All I have been having since we left Newark. The nightmares of him…My father…The one man I loathe. My head hurts.
“Bella,” I turn to my mother as she speaks ,”You okay baby?”
“Yeah…”
“We’re almost there.”
“How far then?”
“About a few minutes.”
I look out the window and see the city. It’s bigger and cleaner than Newark, but it’s not home.
“your siblings go to school tomorrow, by the time we get to the new house it will be…about 1.” My mom says happily, the sun makes her brown eyes brighten.
“Wow!” My brother exclaims excitedly, “Is this our new home mama?”
“Yeah papi, How’s Laura?”
“Fine mama.”
The 3 week old is sucking on her hand. I put a lock of dark hair behind my ear. My bangs falls back in my face. My older brother is sitting quietly in the back and looking out the window. The bad part is of having bangs short, when you want them out your face, it comes right back in your eyes. The regular sized houses are to me, like mansions considering the small 2 bed room apartment we had in Jersey. We pull up to a beige house and get out, it has 4 bed rooms. My mom looks around with a big smile. I grab Laura out of her baby seat and place her on my shoulder.
“Look my baby’s, look at our new life.” She breathes taking all her children into her arms.
We hug and go inside where the house is barely filled with boxes.
“Okay now, babies(My sibs)go pick out your rooms. Bella I got your room picked out and Laura is in my room,” We go upstairs and she shows me my room,” For you Mija.”
“Thanks mom.” I hug her and give her the baby.
“I’ll be in my room, start unpacking.”
“Okay.”
I start unpacking my things, Putting the sheets and covers on my bed, putting up my curtains, and I start hearing yelling. I go to the other room to see my sibs fighting.
“Silencio por favor!” I say shushing them.
“Zeke won’t let me have the side of the room I want!” Franca says pouting.
I sigh
“Zeke she gets the side of the room, you get that side, and you get that side.” I say making them stop fighting.
Then I hear a knock at the door. I answer it to find a VERY good looking teenage guy at me door. He has black and red hair the hangs near his eyes, snake bite hoops, and totally amazing green eyes.
“Can I help you?” I ask him.
“Well my mom asked me to come over and meet the new neighbors, cause she’s been curious. She said she’s going to bring over a pie later.” He says sounding bored.
“Ok thanks.”
“So what’s your name?”
“for me to know and you to find out. But lat name’s Ruiz.”
“Ok, Miss. Roo-Eez.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I shut the door and go back upstairs to finish unpacking my room.


CHAPTER 2: GETTING SETTLED IN

It’s been a week since we moved in and my sibs are in school, me and my brother aren’t in school yet. Im a sophomore and my brother a junior. I stir the pot of soup on the stove and put the lid on it. My little siblings are playing upstairs and my brother is hooking up the TV in the living room. Mom is upstairs sleeping, she hasn’t been feeling well lately. The baby is sitting in her rocking baby swing in the living room next to Jorge.
“Jorge?”
“Que?”
“¿Cuál es el bebé?”
“Nada.”
“Bien.”
I put a couple of chopped potatoes in after I break up the chicken meat into pieces. I hear the TV going and I go over to my brother.
“So, we’re finally away from the chaos of home.” I say.
“I hope so.”
I sigh
“I doubt papa would come all the way here.”
“Bella, you know what kind of man he is. He’ll stop at nothing to hurt us.”
“The thing is Jay, that we’re finally free, we’re not getting beat, things are quiet, I can actually feed the little ones more.” I say convincingly.
“I know but I just have a feeling we’re not out of the water just yet.” He sighs
“Jay, please, think of the positive for once, here we’re safe.”
“Okay, I’ll stop.”
“Good, I don’t want that talk around mom or the babies.” I warn him.
“Well aren’t you miss large and in charge?” He mocks.
“Excuse me?”
“You act as if you’re mom.”
“When we were back home I was ‘mom’ to them. Especially when mom didn’t even have the strength to be one,” I snap at him, “I did what ever ‘he’ wanted so they wouldn’t have to endure what we did.”
“Can you shut up and go back to cooking woman?”
I go back into the kitchen and go back to cooking.
“You and I have a duty to this family.”
“I know that, me being the eldest son makes me have to provide for us.”
“Yes and as me being the eldest daughter I must take care of us, especially when our own mother cannot.”
The baby starts crying and Jorge starts shushing her. I groan to myself, put the pot on simmer, go and tend to the baby. I take her from the swing and place her on my shoulder.
“Please, Jorge, you are a man, don’t try.”
“If I’m going to be a good husband and father than I have to try and learn something.”
“Oh please, what woman would want you?”
“What man would want you?”
“I am going to punch you in the mouth if you don’t shut that hole in your face.”
“Fine.”
I give him a look and start filling up bowls.
“Make yourself useful and give this to mama, she‘s not feeling well. Then call the little ones down for dinner.” I say giving him a bowl.
He goes up stairs and I keep pouring soup.
Who ever said that love hurts was wrong...IT KILLS!
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:21 am
MiRaCLeS says...



Okay, I just noticed that there were some grammatical errors along the way, such as this:

a7xlatina978 wrote:For me to know and you to find out. But lat name’s Ruiz.”

The 'F' needs to be capitalised.
There's a few more in there, but I figured that you could correct them yourself.

And also,
a7xlatina978 wrote:Although I may have done nothing my body is tired from doing nothing.

I don't think that you need to state the fact that your body is doing nothing twice. I think that you should delete the last three words from that sentence.

Aside from the little nitpicks, I quite like this story.
So, good job on it. :)
  





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Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:50 pm
a7xlatina978 says...



Thnx for pointing those out, and for liking the story, i love writing although some of my verbal grammer is WAY off i find my writing grammer to be way better
Who ever said that love hurts was wrong...IT KILLS!
  








I don't do time.
— Liberty