Young Writers Society

Note: This story takes place between the main Kanto story-line and the main Johto story-line, after Koga leaves the Gym to join the Elite Four. It focuses on Noah and to a lesser extent, his friends Sam and Krise and their lives in the Kanto region of the Pokemon World.

Noah jogged into his house as he called, "Dad! DAD!!"
His father popped his head out of the kitchen, with a questioning look on his face and a bowl of Pokemon food in his hands. He sighed.
"You don't need to yell, it's a small house. What is it?"
Noah began to rake through the living-room cabinet, "Do we have any Parlyz Heals left?"
His father let out a hearty, bellowing laugh that flooded the three bedroom house with an air of lightness and merriment, "Krise still whipping your skinny butt with her Pikachu then?"
"Come on dad. Really?" Noah gave up with his rummaging and walked into the kitchen.
His father gave him a knowing grin, then turned back to his mixing.
"Sorry, but she is a good trainer. Better than you", he added. Noah raised his hands, palms upwards, in an expression that clearly repeated his earlier question.
"Anyway, I think you used them up already. And I'm not buying anymore. Pay for them yourselves, find some berries or just don't let Venonat get paralyzed in the first place."
"Helpful", Noah muttered as he crossed the brightly painted living-room, towards the front door, "I don't have any money, the nearest decent sized forest is halfway to Lavender and I can't help it if Venonat gets paralyzed, can I?"
He closed the front door behind him before his dad could take the mick anymore. He emerged into the bright sunlight of Fuschia City. He could see the entrance to the world-renowned Safari-Zone in the distance and to his left slightly, with the Gym Directly to his left, but hidden by the hill and the Pokemon Center. He walked past the Warden's old house, which now belonged to his friend Sam. Sam was currently with his parents in Pewter, supposedly to visit the museum, but Noah knew it was because they all wanted to catch a Clefairy in Mt. Moon. He paused to look into the window of the Poke Mart, staring longingly at all the merchandise on offer, including all the things he wasn't ranked high enough to purchase.
He pulled out Venonat's Pokeball and whispered, "Someday Venonat, we'll be able to buy all of that, and more, because we'll be the Leader of Fuschia Gym!"
He replaced the Pokeball in his jacket pocket and continued on his way to Route 18 - just before Cycling road - breaking into a jog when he saw Krise standing in the grass to the left of the path. She was talking to an older gentleman of around 60 who was wearing a suit and carrying a cane. As he got closer, he overheard her telling him about her Pikachu, who was currently out of sight. Noah very suddenly got an ominous feeling in the pit of his stomach. He stopped and cautiously looked around at his surroundings. Behind him was Fuschia, barely a minute away. Cycling Road stretched away ahead of him and then right, with a fence directly on his right. The grass started on his left, and continued almost to the gate for Cycling Road, or Route 17. Everything seemed peaceful and quiet, the only noise coming Krise and the old dude.
Noah warily pulled out his Pokeball, and stealthily released Venonat behind his back.
"Eyes peeled buddy, I've got a feeling."
Venonat tapped his leg in acknowledgment, the peered out from around his legs. Venonat chirruped, and a second later Pikachu leaped out of the grass, straight at Noah!
"Gaaaaaugh!!" Noah cried, expecting to be electrocuted, but at that moment Venonat's eyes glowed bright blue, and Pikachu was knocked to one side by it's Confusion attack. Pikachu hit the ground hard, but bounced straight back up and rubbed it's head. Noah was all set to order a PoisonPowder, but at that moment Krise ran up laughing, the elderly gent following at a more sedate pace.
"Nicely done Noah!" She called, mocking him, "Have you learned to speak to Venonat via telepathy now?"
"Hey", replied Noah, ignoring the jibe as she slowed to a walk, "Since when were sneak attacks allowed?"
The pair grinned at each other, and Noah admired Krises' jet black hair that barely reached her shoulders and piercing green eyes. However, Venonat broke the spell when it chirruped again as the old man arrived. He looked Noah up and down as Noah did the same, then spoke.
"Gracious, that was quite lucky that your Venonat saw this young Lady's Pikachu coming. That would have been a rather nasty shock!" He chuckled at his own joke.
Krise turned back to Noah, her eyes glittering, "Edward here is from the League!"
Noah interest and curiosity instantly shot up. "Are you here about Koga joining the Elite Four?"
Edward chuckled again, "No no, I'm here to select the next Gym Leader of Fuschia"
Noah's heart began to race in apprehension. He swallowed a gasp of excitement, and very cooly asked, "Oh, and who is it to be then?"
Edward leaned in close. Krise and Noah did the same almost unknowingly. In a conspirational whisper, he said, "I'm not allowed to tell possible candidates!"
Noah's heart shot into his mouth and his brain nearly burst out of his ears. This time, he couldn't help an exclamation of wonderment and glee, and it burst forth from his mouth. He might be the next Gym Leader of Fuschia!

I've never reviewed fan fiction before, so let's just see how this goes:)

Well I actually like Pokemon. But I like the older ones better than the newer ones. But I actually didn't watch many episodes of it, I actually own the game (well a couple of the games actually). I haven't seen many of the shows so correct me if I'm wrong but this sounds more like the game than the show. Is that what you meant?

I didn't find any mistakes with your writing. I like reading simplistic things that don't put me to sleep. I usually skim through over ten works on this sight a day and I only end up reviewing one or two. I'm a very picky reader and if I'm going to review I want to like the story. And I did like this story. I liked the style and the idea. So great job!

As I was reading I liked it and understood exactly what was going on (my knowledge of the game helped) but I didn't like the ending. It just seems to me that you can do better, especially with this being a chapter book. It was like someone just walked up to him and offered him his dream. If life was like that, no one would have to work and dreams would be pointless. You have to work for your dream. And if you really did base this off the game that's what the game is all about, working for that top position.

And you really didn't explain why they offered it to him. How did they get his name? It was just like they met him on the road and they suddenly knew exactly who he was and everything. I like simplistic writing, but that doesn't mean I don't like some detail to understand what's going on.

And the other thing that bothered me was your lack of description on the characters. What does this boy look like? And what do his father and those he met on the road look like? I know this is fan fiction but I couldn't picture this story in my head because I didn't know anything about the characters except the things I know about Pokemon. I wasn't sure if the characters you chose had already been created so that was why you didn't describe them or what. But description is good.

Overall I really liked the story. Like I said, it was worthy to be reviewed. I hope to be able to read more of it. I've never seen something quite like this on YWS so thanks for giving it for me to read:)

Hi there!

This is so adorable! I love this. It's cute, and totally retains the dreamy aspects of the game and show. I can totally relate your character to Ash, though you might not want me to say that. xD

Quotes 'N' Comments

"You don't need to yell, it's a small house. What is it?"

This definitely sounds like something a dad would say.

"Krise still whipping your skinny butt with her Pikachu then?"

This is definitely something a dad wouldn't say. And another thing about the dad: I don't like him. He's not mean in a way that's dad-like and that I can respect, and he's not nice at all. He condescending and sort of an idiot. I mean, what kind of dad tells his son that someone is a better trainer than him? I mean, I'm sure he could say it, but that way was a bit blunt and rude. Either try to soften him up or mean him up, because I don't like him at all, and not in the good way. (Never thought there was a good way, didja? )

Characters

Though I do love your main character, he's a little 'flat,' as in his personality doesn't shine. There are a few things you could do to spice it up: make him state his opinions on things. When you speak of which way he should go - which I'm confused of why you've spend a paragraph on it - have him say his opinion on the matters, rather than yours. I want to hear him debate with himself which is most important, you know?

Plot

I think you should add a lot to this section. You need to expand on his home life, and what he's like. Though you do want to get the plot moving, this is a novel and they're typically long. We usually don't see the 'call' in the story until the second or third chapter. We need a little introduction to what his life is like before this. Where's his mom? Is he rich, poor? What is his town like, how old is he, things like that.

What I was saying about the 'call,' if you don't know, it's the thing that happens that introduces us to the main point of the novel. As in: the change in his life is beginning. His call is obviously his discovery that becoming a GYM leader might be attainable. Your call is great, and so is his reaction. What you need to do now is explain to us why he's so excited about becoming a GYM leader, and how it happens.

I really like this! Keep going.

Classy

I finally got around to reviewing! I'm not going to nitpick, though, because all my nitpicks had to do with word choice, things like "You could use a better word here." That's something you should do

I agree with the comment above me regarding Noah's dad, but I wouldn't have called him an idiot. I just think he's kind of a jerk; and because of the way he was talking about Noah in comparison to Krise, it actually got me believing that Noah is not a good trainer, or at least not as good as Krise. Maybe you could show Noah brushing it off like it's no big deal, thinking things like "Wow, Dad, thanks for the encouragement," or "Wow, Dad, you're a buttface."

If Krise really is a better trainer than Noah, you used the correct word for what Noah should be feeling: apprehension. It's a great word. But the last few sentences suggest that he thinks he might actually become the gym leader, which would require him knowing or at least thinking that he's significantly better than Krise, as well as everyone else in Fuschia. If he thought he might be better than Krise but isn't sure, he would be neither excited nor apprehensive but more like anxious. Make sure it's clear as to how Noah compares himself to Krise, and maybe even suggest that his own perception about himself is wrong. Is he naive about his accomplishments? Is he one of those plucky kids who thinks they're way better than they actually are?

Last thing: your description of Krise confused me, because Krise is the actual name of the blue-haired female protagonist in G/S/C. If you're going to use the name of a real character, make their physical traits the same as the real character. If you want a character to look different, make sure their name is different too.

That is all. I will review your second chapter shortly. Good job, and keep writing