Young Writers Society

Soot lazily opened one eye at the sound of another cat approaching.
"What is it, Ambertail? I haven't been off my paws in moons..." She rolled over, turning her back to Ambertail.
"Kestrelstar wants you to join a hunting patrol."
Soot huffed and heaved herself to her paws, grunting as she did so. Kestrelstar always wanted her doing something to help the Clan. Everyone knew that he was prejudiced against loners and strays, but Soot was one of them now. She'd already proved her worth to the Clan when she saved an apprentice from a badger. Besides, Kestrelstar was the one who invited her to the Clan! It had been about ten moons since she joined. Why didn't he trust her?
"Hurry up, Soot!" Leopardfrost called across the camp's clearing. Soot trotted over to the small group and followed them up the hill and toward the river.
"Soot, you take the forest. That's what you're used to." Ambertail motioned for Soot to turn left here, and she did so.

After a little while of no successful hunting, Soot heard a rustling in the leaves in a nearby patch of grass. She twitched her whiskers, pinpointing the location of the creature. Carefully, she crouched down, slowly sliding over next to the noise. Soot wiggled her haunches and tensed her muscles.
As soon as she left the ground, she caught the scent of the animal in the grass.
She immediately backpedaled, twisting in the air to avoid landing on them. She hit the ground on her flank, then rolled over to get a view of the two pairs of eyes looking back at her.

There, in the grass, were two kits.

Oh, they're cats! Makes much more sense now. I'm guessing you're a fan of the Warriors books? I haven't read them myself but my friend has...should this maybe be in with the fanfiction?

Anyway, hello again! I'm back to review!

One thing I noticed is that you use a lot of the character names in the dialogue--like 'Bob' in the sentence, "Don't do that, Bob" to where it's marking the address. They're tempting to use, but they make the dialogue sound sort of silly if you read it aloud. (Which I recommend doing--always read your dialogue out loud.)

You also use a lot of adverbs. You don't have adverbitis, necessarily, but adverbs are usually always trimmable. Read through and make sure the adverbs are actually adding something.

Other than that... I don't have too much to say. This chapter's so short, and your writing's pretty solid.

Let me know if you have any questions. And, if you want to get this moved into fanfiction, contact one of the JMs, the folks in bright green. They'll help you out.

Rach

Hello again Allie! I see that you're a fan of Warriors as well XD

As Rachel said, this seemed like pretty solid writing.

A couple of things though...

So, something that irked me a tad was that you didn't elaborate on your characters, or your setting. What does Ambertail look like (Well, I assume she has an amber colored tail, but besides that)? And Leapordfrost? And where are they? I suppose they're in a forest but what season is it? I couldn't quite see it in my mind. How old is Soot? What Clan is this?

However all those questions will probably be explained in upcoming parts, it's just this chapter left me curious XD

Anywho:

I liked your cliff-hanger ending, and the way you described her pouncing and turning and stuff... I find it very hard to explain things like that in writing, but you did it well.

You left me curious! I want more!

--
Tabby (a name inspired by Warrior cats btw XD)

Hi! I'm also a big fan of Warriors. I started reading your story, and so far, I like it. You could add a little more description, like describing the forest or the other cats. But so far, you have me curious about the happenings in the plot. Please keep writing this, I'd like to read another person's Warriors story. Break a leg!

"Soot, you take the forest, that's what you're used to."

After a (I took out the word 'little' that was here)while of unsuccessful hunting, Soot heard a rustling in the stems in a nearby patch of grass.

Carefully, she crouched down, slowly sliding closer to the noise.

She hit the ground on her flank, then rolled over to get a view of the two pairs of eyes staring at her.

There, in the grass, were two kits.

Wonderful ending

Well, this is the beginning of a very interesting story.

Like some others have said, a little more description would make it better. I'd love to know what the other cats look like.
I saw no other errors other that the ones I pointed out above and I'm really eager to read more! Write soon!

Keep writing,
Alzora