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Chapter One: House Of Nightmares



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Mon May 23, 2011 8:45 pm
Luvzi12 says...



Chapter One: House Of Nightmares

Lying in bed Emily mentally prepared herself for the nightmares to begin. She waited for the pressure to mount her, the whispers in her ear, the slimy lips on her face and the thrusting inside of her. Nightmares. Nightmares that seemed so unreal in the harsh light of day that she dared not speak of them; nightmares that she could never wake from in the darkness – because they were real.

Creaking floorboards in the corridor outside signalled the beginning of the onslaught. The doorknob twisted, the hinges squeaked open, and he was there.

Emily closed her eyes and dreamed herself away. Dreams. Sweet dreams.

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The morning light shined on Emily’s face, waking her. The smell of last night’s sweat was still upon her, her thighs damp, tongue furry with dehydration. She stepped out of bed to shower herself profusely.

She scrubbed her skin raw, brushed her teeth until her gums bled, then stared at her adolescent face in the mirror. Her cheeks were still flushed from scrubbing and her large eyes brimmed with tears of pain. This was usually where she left her thoughts in the morning. In a bid to forget the night before she excessively scrubs away her pain and continues with her day, but today was different. Today there was a mark.

On the right side of her neck was a red blotch. Emily stroked it- it felt dry and sore to touch. She’d tried to rub it away but it had only made the mark worse. Today the nightmares were visible on her neck, red raw and available for all to see – for her to see, and remember. The mark brought back the nightmares as she remembered the weight of her stepfather upon her, the sounds of his lips smacking with lust, his whispers in her ear, “you’re so much better than your mother.”

Emily grabbed the soap in front of her and furiously scrubbed at the mark (though she knew it would do no good) attempting to rub out the memories of the last night... and the night before... and the night before...

She hurtled the soap at the mirror and ran out the bathroom to her bare room. She had few possessions, but she grabbed a satchel from her closet and hurriedly crammed in some dresses, underwear and the small amount of money she owned. She slipped back into the bathroom for her toothbrush, threw it in her bag and left the house.

Walking down the street away from her house, she hadn’t thought it would be this easy. She had enough money for a bus ticket but had no idea where to head for. She walked toward the station, buzzing with feelings of excitement towards her new-found freedom and fear of what was to come, and what she had left behind. Her mother. Her four-year-old sister. What would become of them? Her sister was likely (she hoped) to be too young for her stepfather’s advances, but would her mother be okay? But, then, when had she ever cared for Emily’s welfare?

She stole one quick look back at the house of nightmares, then forward to the open road ahead of her. Shaking with anticipation, excitement and fear, she thought, ‘where is my mind?’

Check out the second chapter here:
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Last edited by Luvzi12 on Sun May 29, 2011 10:02 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Fri May 27, 2011 10:45 pm
Apple says...



Wow, that's touching. I've heard so many bad reviews about that movie that it never occured to me to watch it, though reading this I think I'll give it a second chance. I'm really glad that she got away, her step-father sounds like..... What ever word you want to place in there feel free. :wink:

You have a very fluent writing style that draws in a reader from the start and makes them stay occupied until the end. Yes you do tend to use some words over and over though it doesn't really do anything to down grade your peice.

Today the nightmares were visible no her neck, red raw and available for all to see


I haven't the faintest idea what you're trying to say here. Is that instead of just the nightmares visible there is also her neck? I don't know...but you should really change this because apart from everything else your story was really good. Even as a short story it's satisfying but even then I cannot wait to read more. I feel kind of useless because I having nothing else to say because all in all this story was great. There was a cliff hanger and everything!

I guess great job, I cannot wait to read the next part!

Apple.
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Sat May 28, 2011 10:19 am
Luvzi12 says...



Thank you so much, you're a very kind reviewer! I would definitely recommend the movie- I loved it! (Hence why the first fan fiction I've ever written is about that movie haha!)

That's true about my overuse of names, especially names of people, it's like "Emily, Emily, Emily..." I really need to edit it more but I think it's something a proofreader or editor would be better for (but I guess that's what this site is kinda for haha!)

The second part has been posted now & I'll be posting more probably after the weekend :) topic81437.html
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Sun May 29, 2011 7:29 am
Destiny110 says...



Hey there,
first off I'd like to say thank you for making this story before I actually watched sucker punch, it will make the movie more interesting let me assure you! I love the story and everything is fine excpet this one teensy bit:
Today the nightmares were visible no her neck,

No I understand what you're trying to say, that her step-father left a mark on her neck and that this is bringing back the horrible memories of the night before, but I'm pretty sure that 'no' should be 'on'. Don't beat yourself up over it though, I make that mistake plenty of times, It's just a typing error, I just wanted to draw your attention to it, since proofreading may not always work.

The story seems great, ow if you;ll excuse me *Zips to the second chapter*

~~Destiny110
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