Young Writers Society

I added the introduction because that's how the beginning of my book is right now. Unfortunately I have writers block so enjoy what i have so far. Seraphina= a 14 year old stubborn girl with BRIGHT blue white eyes, an  EXETREMELY long brunette braid that goes down to the back of her knees and if possible it is always in a braid because its so long and thick and curly, her hair might be long but her height is not tall shes relatively short for her age and has the ability to control the weather and has a mark like a candle flame on the side of her neck which she tries to cover up with the ribbon Mickinzie=a timid 4 year old with jet black double dozen braids and a vast intelligence and the ability to see the future and although she doesn't have a mark on her neck whenever she goes into a vision her hair turns white and that is why she has to wear a Hood where ever she goesJose= a 18 year old guy with a little to obedient attitude and medium long jet black hair extremely tall and slightly built body and has countless abilities concerning his mind and he has the alchemical symbol for the mind on his neck                                                   I hit the ground running, turned a corner and bolted right into the scaly paw of an enormous animal. I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could. "Let go of me!" I writhed " let go of me!" "Seraphina" I was so surprised that I stopped writhing and it said my name again  was about to ask how the creature knew who I was but before I could   I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine "Seraphina wake up!" She said to me shaking me. hard. "Let me go!" I shouted at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent thrashing."Oh! you're awake!" She stilled her frantic movements to wake me up and exclaimed " sorry its just you woke up your sister by screaming and scratching at the wall and she ran to my room to tell me and I got scared!" she was still holding my upper arms when she glanced behind her and i looked around her and saw my baby sister in her white nightgown and double dozen black braids clutching "puppy" to her chest with both arms and she asked me "Sissy are you OK" and ran to my bedside dropping the stuffed animal along the way my mother let go of my arms as Mickinzie wrapped her arms around my neck and i patted her back and glanced at the clock. it was 6:45 leaving me ten minutes to get ready for work so with my mothers help i pryed the 4 year old off and sprang off my bed and into the closet. i grabbed my ripped knee jeans and a black t-shirt and my silver half shirt which i made myself it reached to half of my rib cage and tied off just under the bust i ran out of the closet grabbing my sneakers and into the bathroom to brush and braid my knee length hair and put my two signature accessories the gold family prayer necklace which i never take off and a long silver ribbon used as a choker and tied off to the side i ran out of the bathroom to the stairs and slid down the railing and ran to the kitchen grabbing a cereal bar and kissing my mother and sister goodbye i ran out the door prepared for whatever the world had to throw at me.   “Hi my name is Seraphina I am here for the job opening to move boxes from the boats to the warehouses” I announced to a man across the table from me “Oh I’m sorry that jobs been filled already but I hear you are and brown belt in martial arts” he asked leaning both elbows against the table “Um yes that’s correct why?” I asked him interested in what he had planned“well as you know there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division” he looked at me with confidence and all but shoved me out the door saying something about how i was wasting his time i ignored it so i would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner until I earned some money at least. When i walked into the mess hall i searched for   a table to eat at when i turned around and i jumped because the girl that was there was not there a couple of seconds ago and i knew it"Hi I'm Missy! so your the new addition to the night guards division I'm one of the division myself so I'll help you out while your in with us"she looked to be my age a lot taller though she was and quite hyper if you asked me " so whats your name""Seraphina so how did you get into the night division no offense but you look more like the type to go to a help stop global warming rally" i said and we both laughed " oh do palates and study jujitsu" she started to walk across the room and i followed " so why are you in the night division?" she asked looking me in the eyes " I'm a brown belt in martial arts" i looked away from her to where we were going " i got kicked out before i got my black belt" i confessed the instructor had told the entire dojo about how my father had left and he compared me to him as if he were better so i used all the stuff i had learned from him against him till one of the older boys dragged me away from him " how do you get kicked out of martial arts!" she looked at me amusement in her tone of voice " you don't want to know" i said not wanting to explain my deadbeat dad to anyone he left and took my big brother with him when my mom was pregnant with mickinzie and that's all i cared to find out about him" OK so who did he assign as your partner" she asked me confused and wanting to change the subject" someone named Jose Oscars" i told her hoping she knew what i was supposed to do tonight " aw i feel bad for you he doesn't talk to anybody and when he does its like he reads your mind creepy right" she shuddered just looking at him she pointed him out and i went over to say hi and introduce myself he was a tall kid he had long jet black hair and looked seventeen maybe eighteen he had some muscles when i reached his table i noticed he was sitting alone i sat down on the table on his left side and when he noticed me i started to introduce myself he simply held up a hand to stop me "let me guess your name is Seraphina and you are my new partner" he looked up at me and smiled and took my hand all i could say was"how did you know that?" i asked him curious at how he knew my name before i said a word " you will find out soon enough" he mumbled " whats that supposed to mean bub" i was getting frustrated with this kid i had only just met him and i didn't exactly relish in being around him " nothing nothing its high time we go out and have a quick run through of the grounds" he said grabbing my arm and leading me out the door " hey man let go i don't even know you" i said extracting my arm from his grip" oh but you should i mean, i know you i know you very well" he said this like we had already met before today and he stopped and attempted to grab my arm again but i dodged out of the way and kicked him square in the chest sending him against the wall " don't ever say you know me you know nothing about me-" i never got to finish my sentence because that's when the roof was ripped off the building and a long orange head snaked in through the opening i didn't get a good look at it because Jose grabbed my arm and pulled me along down the hallway " come on we have to get out of here and get Mickie!" he announced i flinched hearing my baby sisters name " how do you know mickinzie" i demanded " just follow me " he lead me out the doors and into the warehouse yard still holding my arm he yelled " Darya!" and before i could ask who that was a white dragon landed in  directly front of us "Whoa" i tilted my head back so far i nearly fell backward he tightened his grip when i tried to back away and started to lead me to the dragons side " uh-uh no way your getting me up there" there was no way i was going any closer to it i shook his hand off and looked at him stubbornly " its ride or be carried" he looked down at me with a smug smile on his face i just folded my arms across my chest defiantly and smiled back at him "you chose" he said and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me the rest of the way and (to my definite surprise) leaped onto its back in a single jump and set me down in front of him and i sucker punched him " hey that hurt" he rubbed his chin "lets go Darya" she vaulted into the crisp if not freezing night air  "where is your little sister so we can pick her up " i looked at Jose thinking he said it but he just laughed at me and i realized that he hadn't said it Darya had "you can talk!" i leaned forward surprised" yes i can never mind that where is your sister?" she asked again to numb to ask why we needed her i told her that she was probably at the house we had been in the air for ten minutes when i felt like we were being followed i looked back and sure enough there was another dragons looming behind us and i knew instantly that the fact he was following us was not good"another one" i said in dismay "it cant get any weirder than this" i thought to myself and i flinched when Jose answered my thought"oh yes it will, Darya we have to get out of here" he had to shout to be heard, she whipped her head around to look at what we were seeing an alarmed look in her large brown eyes she turned quickly and Jose just managed to grab the spike in front me and told me to do the same "hold on tight!" he shouted in my ear and she dived towards the earth and much my embarrassment i screamed then at the last moment she reared and landed in my back yard"I'll lead him away you go find your sister and meet me back here" she took off and i ran into the house to go get my sister and get out of there i knew that if i didn't get her out of the house we would put our mothers life at risk i opened the sliding glass door and ran through the house to my sisters room she was laying in bed sleeping so i packed a backpack with a blanket her stuffed dog and some food and water bottles and put a comforter around her and carried her to the door she laid her head on my shoulder and fell back asleep i opened the door and Jose came to see Mickinzie "you never met me but I'm your big brother" he looked at me when he said this the world started to spin around me "what!- you're my- you can't be!" when truly i believed him i just didn't understand it all"we'll explain later" i jumped when i heard Darya behind me "let's go! i lead him away but not for long" she lifted me and Mickie onto her back while Jose mounted by himself i settled myself with Mickie in my lap and we took off looking for a place that was safe enough for the night   when we had finally landed in the forest outside city limits i handed Mickie to jose and got down jose handed the 4 year old to me and jumped to the ground and landed one leg stretched the other bent and slid up and i sat down on a rock Mickinzie wide awake now and gaping at Darya from my lap"so your our brother" i asked him sitting with a glare for some reason i was furious at him   "is it a dragon" Mickinzie asked jose unfortunately saving him from answering my question"yes of course i am little one" daryas booming voice resounded through the forest and it scared Mickinzie so bad she leaped out of my lap and hid behind me putting me between her and darya "theres no need for you to be afraid little one i have no interest in hurting you whats so ever please dont hide from me im here to protect you" she said snaking her head around me to look at Mickie who wrapped her ams around daryas muzzle and giggled when darya lifted the 4 year-old  onto her back  and started to walk around with her to keep her occupied when jose started to walk away i grabbed his arm and he stopped "you have some questions to answer buster" he tried to extract his arm but i tightened my grip " first why are we here and second why do we need protecting?" i fired questions at him at a steady pace "first we're going to destroy that orange and black dragon you saw earlier and second his plans are to take you two from us and use you to conquer the human race that dragons has a history like no other which is also why we need to find his weakness and we need you to help us and we did not want to endanger your aunt by leaving Mickinzie there" he smiled satisfied but i was confused "wait she is not our aunt she is our mother" i said to him defiant of what he was saying "no she isnt i watched our mother and father die and before they died they asked darya to take care of us but she wanted you two to have as much a normal life as possible so she sent you to live with her sister but for darya to watch from afar and to intervene when nessacary" he reached out and put a hand on my shoulder and the world started to spin and i got dizzy and i fell and the world faded to black.                                                                                                                      

Ok first of all i love how the begining started in a dream. It totaly caught my attention, and it kept me wanting more. Secondly i found that you had alot of sentences that ran long. Even right in the prologue you kept keeping the same sentance by connecting everything with "And". Remember that there are other conjunctions as well .

Good story line, but I caught several structural errors. Try to keep your sentences a little shorter, capitalize your I's, and watch punctuation. Other then that I enjoyed it.

Hello, Dragons.
I think that there was a pretty good plot line in this, but the punctuation was horrible. I'm sorry--It was just so hard to understand when sentences went on and on and on without a comma.

But other than that...keep at it:)

--Lollipopper

Hey Dragons, I love you story but, and I hate to do this, there's a few small problems.
All you need to do is slow the story down a bit, capitalize your I's.
When a new person starts speaking make a new paragraph, otherwise you confuse the reader.
I noticed that when someone speaks it tends to be like this - " I'm your big brother " - just make sure you don't put in spaces where they don't need to be.
Between chapters leave some space to separate them, otherwise it looks cluttered. Your story is interesting and I look forward to reading more!

Hey! Don't know if you remember this.. or if you even go on YWS anymore, but you asked me to read this... and I did! A dream at the beginning at the story? Great job!

Thank you Penguin i appreciate that DDD