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Supreme Team: Friend of Foe Chapter 2 Unexpected Visit



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Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:47 am
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stevensmith05 says...



There he stood with that memorable smirk on his face. He was such an unpleasant figure to come across, I really hated him. His White shoes, his white pants, his white shirt, his white jacket, his white tie and most of all his white hair which was new it used to be brown. Think he was taking the image of white too far. If you had not already guessed, yes it was the man in the white suit, the bastard who had my friends viscously murdered and the girl I loved shot in the head leaving her stone dead. He wasn’t looking at me directly but I know he knew I was there. I remember sitting contently with my head down but I remember hearing those dreaded footsteps getting closer and closer.

His hand was then placed one my shoulder, considered a friendly gesture in context but it only enraged me. I exploded out of my seat and looked directly into his pale blue eyes with fury. He was with two people I had not met before. One was short and fat wearing a navy blue suit and the other was a girl, slim with blonde hair which sounds cute but she had a menacing look about her. He put his hand on my chest and said in a calm way.
“Punk just sit down, we have much to discuss”
There was three of them and one of me, I did not want to make this more of a scene then it had already become, so I sat back down and took a large swig of my quite disgusting Polish larger. The whole room was looking at us in a confused manner. It looked as if my previous life was catching up with me.

He sat down opposite me, I just wanted to reach over and choke him until he could breath no more, so he could hurt people no more. The big man sat down next to me, I remember his name now, it was Phil. They had me cornered in, there was no escape now. The girl went to the bar and I could see she was engaged in conversation with Justyn. She game back over with two points of that rotten larger and give them to White and Phil. I remained sat in a solitude of silence.
He took a sip, then came out with what I expected to hear “So punk, what are you doing here? A crummy little town in Poland is not a place for a man of your certain talents”

I looked round; trying to ensure nobody was listening in as you find people usually are, even when you think you’re the only two people in the world.
“I like it here, it’s peaceful. I lost so many people I love because of you and you come to me, not wise my friend, I dream of putting my head to your chest and not hearing a heartbeat.”

He looked at me, then Phil and then the girl. He then burst out in a ravenous laughter gaining the full attention of the locals. Staring at him as if he was a freak, they knew him too well already then obviously.
“Manon you’re a cleverish girl, tell him basically why he shouldn’t try anything”
She had one of those faces which told you that she wasn’t your average girl who liked to go shopping and paint nails. She was a lot more exciting then that. I remember this was the first time I heard Manon’s voice.
“Errr, my friend Philip or as we know him Detonate can self destruct then reconnect, so for the safety of your erm, friends I would be careful”.

I didn’t care. He would not be so foolish to blow up and kill everybody in the bar or more importantly his boss and colleague. I was not having this anymore I stood up slamming my fits on the table while doing so. Boom! And I flew straight through the window which was behind me and skidded across the floor before smashing straight into a brick wall. She obviously had powers as well. I was now well and truly outnumbered. I saw her scramble out the window like she was fleeing for her life. Then in a moment my life was turned back upside down. The place a called home was on fire after a thunderous noise, he had detonated. The windows shattered the roof tiles falling.

Then the voice, the voice I dreaded so much. “Well, well, well punk I think we warned you”. I thought for a second why is he alive? I never saw him leave but there was something more important I had to do. I turned and sprinted to wards the building, so fast I thought my feet were burning! I jumped through the now shattered window. I could not see, smoke lessoned my site and damaged my breathing. The dead lay still and lifeless on the floor. My colleagues at work, the baker, and the butcher they were all dead. I had brought this hideous horror on this town. I remember coughing violently as the fire enraged more and more. I threw myself over the bar as I continued to choke. I landed on my back, struggling to move. There were no bodies back here, maybe Justyn was still alive. Then all of a sudden after a creak and a crack the floor below me give way sending me towards the cellar below. The fire as you would expect did not affect me because of my power but the hideous smoke still put up a fight in trying to kill me. I was trapped under a heap of wood and metal from the structure above. I could feel it circulating my veins. I felt light headed like this was going to be the end. The end of the nightmare which I called my life at this time.
  





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Gender: Female
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Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:27 pm
Leahweird says...



Wow, big shift in mood there.

I think you are having some trouble with "show vs. tell". To use the first paragraph as an example, you don't need to say the the protagonist hates the Man in White. Between the somewhat snide description, and the knowledgeof what this man has done in the past, we already know that he is not liked. Also, you need to try and spereate you're senstences more. They run on some.
  








I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest