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Young Writers Society


The Power Within-Chapter 3



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Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:27 am
HHemayed says...



Hannah woke up to find herself in a room. It wasn’t like a place she’s seen before. Panic struck her. “Where am I?” she thought as she got up, but she soon fell back down. She felt very dizzy and her head hurt a lot.

“Oh my GOD! What am I going to do?” she thought. “ What if..” But the thought was interrupted.

“How do you feel now?” someone asked.

Her heart jumped. She quickly got up and rested on the wall. “Who are you?” she said. ”And what am I doing here?”

“Look, I know you’re scared, so relax. It’s okay. I’m not a criminal or anything like that. My name is Matt. I’m eighteen years old and this is my house.” He paused for a moment and waited for a reaction. “ Any questions? Can you get up?” he says.

“Um, Why are you helping me?” she says.

“Well, I don’t know. I was walking in the woods when I saw you unconscious. I couldn’t just leave you there could I?”

“Oh my GOD! The woods, where are the men who were chasing me?”

“You were being chased?” he says. “By whom?”

She paused for a moment then said “I ran away, my family was very cruel. I just..I couldn’t bear it anymore.” She sighed.

“Um, I don’t know if this would help, but it’s okay. You can trust me, they’re gone.”

“Thank you, I guess”

She tried to get up again and managed to walk a little, but her head was heavy and she nearly fell to the ground if Matt hadn’t caught her on time. He helped her sit. After that he said “What happened to you when you were in the woods?”

“I was running and it was raining. It was very dark and the rain got worse. There was also lightning and thunder, but I just kept running. It got even harder; I think I was running down a hill. I tried to focus so that I’d lose them. It was working, but..” she sighed. “But I looked back. That’s when I tripped and rolled at high speed down the hill. Everything kept on turning and turning, suddenly ‘Boom!’ and the world went black.”

Matt came closer. “Is it your head?”

She couldn’t believe what was happening. “Yeah.” She said finally. He touches it. “Ow!” she says in pain.
He removes his hand quickly. “Sorry, I’ll bring you some ice and um, I’ll see what I else I can bring.”

Hannah was very confused and tongue tied for a moment, so he left. A million thoughts floated in her mind. “Should I trust him? Should I wait or..should I hide??” She didn’t know what to do, so she just sat there, hopelessly. Hannah looked at her clothes. “What a mess!” she thought.

At that same moment, Matt came in. “Here’s some ice for your head and chocolate for you to eat.” A worried look was on his face. “I couldn’t find any ointment, so I hope the ice’s enough. I mean..”

Hannah smiles. “It’s okay, I know what you mean. I never knew there were nice people in this world, so thank you very much. I hope you don’t fail me.”

He looks seriously at her. “I won’t and your welcome.” After a moment of silence he took a look at her head again. “Wow!!”

“What?!” she says surprisingly.

“Your head!”he says. “It..It’s healed! Completely!”

“Really?!”

“Yeah,can you feel it?”

Hannah touches her head. “Not at all.”

“But how?” they say in one voice.
There was a moment of silence, then Matt had an idea. “Why don’t you take a shower?” He points to the bathroom. “I can bring you some of my clothes. I’m sure I’ll find something your size.” “Can you get up?”
She thinks for a moment. “Okay, I’ll try.” She stands up slowly and Matt gets ready to catch her if she falls. Hannah was fine.

Matt smiles. “I’m glad you’re okay.” She smiles back.
“Are you sure you can do it?”

“Thank you, I feel terrific.” she says.

He nods. “Okay, I’ll go bring you the clothes. You can take a shower and I’ll put them on the chair, okay?”
“Okay.”

Hannah goes into the bathroom as Matt exists the room. She takes off her clothes and turns on the water. As she took a nice warm shower, her mind started to concentrate on what was going on. How could she do such a thing? She’s taking a shower or let’s say she’s trusting a total stranger, but how can she? Her mind did the rational thinking now her emotions took its turn. “This guy’s not normal. I don’t feel like he’s dangerous or anything.” she thinks. Her thoughts continue. “Matt’s like the guy in my dreams. I can feel it.” “Stupid thought.” she says quietly.

Suddenly there was a knock. She turns off the water. “Yes?” It was Matt-obviously. “ I brought you the clothes. Are you okay?”

“Thanks. Yeah, everything’s okay.” A second later she hears the door close. “He must have gone.” she thinks. Hannah puts on a towel and goes out.

After getting dressed she looks at herself in the mirror. “Nice clothes.” She says with a smile. “Darn, my hair looks horrible. I really need a comb.” She tries to find one, but apparently there was none.

Hannah went out to ask Matt for one, but just as she was turning around the corner they slammed into each other. Each of them laughed quietly. “Sorry, I was looking for a comb.” she says. He immediately shows it to her. “Vwala.” He says with a smile. She smiles shyly “Thanks again.” “Any time. I bet you’re hungry.”

She laughs quietly. “I won’t lie to you. I’m starving.”

The day passes by happily-yet unbelievable-for both. They had lunch and sat in the balcony, breathing in fresh air. Hannah got to know Matt more and vice versa. Happiness was in the air and Hannah went to bed for the first time without crying herself to sleep. She was so happy and that night was her best. A bond so strong was built between them, not love, not friendship, but something much stronger. A mysterious force brought them together, a power yet to be revealed.
To be alive is not to breathe, eat or drink. It's your ability to prove your existence.
  





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Points: 517
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Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:15 pm
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kasimkaey says...



As I was reading this, I spotted quite a few grammar mistakes but I didn't see them to be the immediate problem - the dialogue was. It sounds forced, almost structured? Like unnatural. It doesn't sound like normal people talking? I don't know if this is just me or not, but I couldn't read it and imagine the people actually talking like that. It's too grammatically sound?
  





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39 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 573
Reviews: 39
Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:31 pm
HHemayed says...



Thanks.I'll try to fix that problem. You're right. It sounded quite strange when I read it again. Weird, I thought it was good when I wrote it. Many thanks. I'm sure I'll fix it once I have enough time. Thank you again. :D
To be alive is not to breathe, eat or drink. It's your ability to prove your existence.
  








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